God is love.

"dear you"

2011-09-14T01:35:00.003-04:00

dear christopher or christina,

i've always loved names with Christ in them. it's funny because i was never very religious, which you could've guessed by now, but the way the word "Christ" looked on a page was beautiful, i thought. i still do. it has an archaic feel to it; i always imagine it in faded script, the name of the Son of God who died for our sins. i guess i'm more religious now than i ever was or at least more aware of my sins.

the window in front of me is streaked with drops of rain and has been for the past three days. perhaps, that's why i'm writing now. because of the rain and how it reminds me of you.

"you." if i knew who you'd turn out to be or knew you were actually a "you" when i conceived you in my womb, then i imagine "you'd" be sitting on the empty blue, fabric couch in the living room, watching television drowning out the pitter, patter of rain drizzling the windows with your sitcoms, reality shows, or baseball games. or perhaps you'd be practicing an instrument. guitar. i like guys who play guitar. i also like girls who are musical. girls are better suited for the piano. my mother thought so too, or maybe she conditioned me to believe it by forcing me to take lessons. i can still remember being bent over the mahogany piano that my mother had bought brand new, stretching my little fingers as far as i could to hit the right notes at the right time to produce something mellifluous. but my best practices echoed through the air with cacophonous intensity into my mother's disappointed ears. i wouldn't have wanted that for you.

but who knows. you could've been talented. you could've been good at everything i was bad at. i didn't understand my mother's incessant nagging that i take up another instrument after i gave up on the piano. i was only nine years old, but mother panicked, afraid the window for discovering my talents was rapidly closing.

i tried my hand at stringed instruments: the violin, cello, even the harp. but i wasn't fit for music, so my mother imagined that i was harboring some secret artistic ability in my hands. so she hired an art tutor, a poor art school student, who would guide my left hand with hers to draw a fat elephant with cylindrical legs and feet, big, flappy ears, and a snake-like trunk. she hoped that by guiding my hands along, i'd learn to draw like her. her hands were like training wheels waiting to be taken off when i learned to balance the pencil by myself, drawing the same smooth curves, and shading in the dark and light lines of the elephant to show depth. i never did. i liked how easy it was to just let her guide my pencil and effortlessly produce such pretty drawings.

i never did find my talent. but i found your father when i was 15, who last i heard was working as a mechanic back in our hometown. he was a handsome boy with light brown hair and green eyes, a high bridged nose and thin lips that he liked to constantly keep moist with his tongue. i called him by his middle name, Chris, even though everyone else called him by his first, Pete. that was special to me. he made me feel like the talent i didn't have. our relationship felt so natural. when he swept my hair back and told me he loved me, i wanted to give him everything. and i thought that it would be enough.

i thought that it would be enough that one, wet afternoon, he climbed up and through my window drenched in the summer downpour. as he looked at me with piercing, green eyes he told me that he wanted all of me and that he would make me feel special. because i was. peeling off his soaked shirt, i gave him my all.

his last words to me were, "i'll see you around." and he left, climbing out the same window that he had crept in through. the next few weeks were a blur of tears and confusion as i wondered where he had gone, why he hadn't bothered to talk to me since that rainy day. then the nausea came. and the vomiting. i had to look for him when i suspected that there was life inside of me. i even harbored a secret hope that this would yoke me and your father together. when i told him i was pregnant with you, he denied that you were his. he denied me and told me to stay away because he didn't know me. i should've known then. i should've known that you weren't just a mistake. maybe you weren't his, but you were mine.

but i was blind.

i didn't see you as anything, just a violation of me, not a part of me, so i let you go. i let you go before you took one breath and i let you go before i could know you.

i'm sorry.

even if i've said it a thousand times, it wouldn't be enough, but i need you to know that i am truly and completely sorry.

i'm sorry that you couldn't hear your name called by your own mother, that you never uttered any words, that you never fully came to be.

forgive me, please. i know i don't deserve it, but i need your forgiveness. i need you.

this apartment is empty without you. my closets overflow with pairs of designer shoes, my kitchen with pots and pans that i don't even use, my bedroom where i sleep alone. i wonder where all this time has gone and i wonder if the greatest punishment is having never gotten to have you or no longer having the opportunity to grow a life inside me. it seems that the window has closed.

i like to think that my greatest talent was yet to be discovered in your birth, in being a mother.

Christopher. Christina.

Love,

Mom

xxx

2011-09-06T18:31:00.003-04:00

an O after our first date,

another O, maybe a X on a cheek after,

the latter depending on your comfort.

i don't want to force it. or force you.

i want to earn your X and swear an

oath to you, so that all our days

will be spent XOXOing in love

and intimacy to the glory of God.

why don't we seal our oath with an X?

i'm afraid that my XXX obsession will

rear its head to tempt me, to rip me from

from your O.

but i pray that God will change me, that i

will fight for you. the only XXX i want is

with you on our marriage bed. i want to

X you everywhere, my lips scaling every

inch of skin on your body, to O you in my

arms as you fall asleep. i hope these X's

and O's will be the overflow of love from

God to us and from us to our children.

i will keep these X's and O's to myself until

we are bound together and i pray that our lives

together will be like pi, 3.14..., and be filled with

endless

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOs...

roller coasters

2011-08-11T12:02:00.003-04:00

"are you afraid of roller coasters?"

i am.

"why? you think you're going to fall off and die or something?"

maybe. that's part of the reason, i guess.

"well, it has happened, i'm sure. so that fear is validated, but the chances of that happening are slim to none."

to be honest, i don't know why i am scared of roller coasters. i'm not sure if it's a fear more than a dislike or even hatred for a roller coaster.

"elaborate."

well, a roller coaster is essentially a joy ride. people enjoy riding them, but some people hate them. and most of them are scared of falling off and dying, but i've ridden enough coasters to know that i don't like them. i don't like them because they're not fun at all. people that love them find them thrilling for different reasons. the screaming, the laughing, and the blood pumping through your veins faster than it normally would, but there's no real risk in a roller coaster.

"i mean there are risks in riding it like everything else. like riding a car is a risk, but it's not as fun as a roller coaster."

that's very true, but people ride the coaster for that risk. no one rides a car just for pleasure, it gets you places and the risk you take riding it is a risk you take because you have to. but people that ride roller coasters want to take the risk of riding a roller coaster because it's the closest you can get to almost dying.

"i think there are a lot of ways that you can almost die without riding a roller coaster."

right, like bungee jumping, sky diving. i'm not saying that people who ride roller coasters have a death wish, but they want to feel the thrill and climax of almost dying when they ride. it's evident in most roller coasters. they all have a big, slow climb up to a top of a peak and slowly go over that peak to drop hard and fast downwards. the anticipation of the climb and the slow agonizing tip over the edge until you plunge down into the depths.

"yeah, but that's part of the fun. it's like you think you might die, but you know you won't. there are a lot of people like you that think they're going to die, but they're not sure. that's why you're afraid."

maybe. but remember, it's more of a dislike for me than fear. my problem with roller coasters are that they're not what they appear to be.

"what do they appear to be?"

roller coasters market themselves as joy rides that feature big drops, sharp twists and turns, and super speeds in hopes that people will be full of fear, but at the same time full of courage to face it when they ride it.

"so?"

so, that's not real courage at all. it's a fake. a phony courage that's made up by a fake fear.

"what fake fear?"

the fake fear of death. roller coasters strike fear into a lot of people's hearts, but it's not a real fear at all because there's no real intended risk for those who are going to ride it. all roller coasters are designed to a tee to be the safest possible ride that people can enjoy. there's no risk of dying or falling off because they're designed to be that way.

"they'd be out of a job if they didn't."

yeah, but imagine a roller coaster with none of the safety precautions and all of the risks.

"no one would want to ride it."

most people wouldn't want to ride it because they would really be afraid. that fear that they thought they experienced before, when the roller coaster was safe, would be exposed for what it really is.

"which is..."

nothing. it's nothing, but take away the safety, make the most dangerous roller coaster and some people would ride it. they would ride it with real fear, but real courage and if they survived they'd experience a thrill and joy that no other roller coaster could give them.

"so you don't like roller coasters because they're not really dangerous?"

i don't like them because what roller coasters really are are fake joy rides for fake people who think they harbor a real courage and conquering spirit when it's really just a glorified test drive. roller coasters are an equivocated contortion of safe danger.

"so i'm riding this one alone."

i'll ride with you, but don't expect me to scream.

paper

2011-07-06T17:30:00.002-04:00

people throw it away, some recycle, some keep papers to remember or document or perhaps for sentimental value, but at the end of the day it's still paper. thinly, cheaply produced paper only as good as the writing that's on it. some words are holier than others. some words are meant to entertain or to inform, but they are only temporary. there are timeless classics, however. books. the Holy Bible. original manuscripts, maybe. first editions. of course now everything is digital. digitally archived, saved, published, retweeted, blogged, posted. some will defend paperbacks and hardbacks against kindles. but the only thing that matters are the words on the page and as i was looking through the pages and pages of random Christmas and birthday cards, elementary school achievement certificates, college essays, and interesting newspaper bits i thought were interesting, i found that i couldn't bring myself to throw away certain bits of paper.

the ticket stubs to The Dark Knight in Imax, which i saw twice.

a piece of construction paper with random bits of encouragement written by my classmates during my freshmen year of college, whom i really didn't know at the time.

cards that my grandfather had hand drawn on pictures of birds and other creatures.

at the same time, i found it really easy to throw away other papers that had no meaning to me now.

bank statements, random notes of encouragement from people that i served with at a retreat, none of whom i really talk to now. certificates of achievements from elementary school, what achievements? i don't know.

there's so much paper in this world, let alone my room, and i wonder what the point of it all is.

my friend wes was cleaning out his old room, which he just moved back into, and all of these bits and pieces of paper, photos, memories were being resurrected for a moment before being tossed to never be thought about or looked at again.

i'll look back again someday and look at all these papers that i have accumulated over the years and wonder why i've kept them. why i've held onto these things that don't have the same meaning as it once did. maybe i'll look back on these blog posts and wonder if they've all been a waste of digital space. it makes me want to matter. not me, but my words. not the words itself, but what they're about, who they point to. will i point to Jesus and the Kingdom or myself and how great i am, i was, i used to be. what will the value of these words be?

will these words be remembered? will they encourage? will they help at all? or will it all be tossed into a fire, ink fading, creases crumbling, paper to ashes.

the tree of life

2011-07-02T00:33:00.003-04:00

i've just come back from an abstract night. i decided to wash out the filth transformers 3 that infected my eyes and brain with a thinking movie, the tree of life. i bought the ticket an hour before showing, so i walked over to best buy, used their bathroom, and bought the king of limbs for $6 to listen to on the ride home. i walked into the theater expecting no one to be there, but there was an older asian couple sitting, talking, eating popcorn. i sat down in the 3rd row, dead center, best seat in the house, at least to me and began to ponder about my own life. my sins, my need for Christ, how i've been dealing with my problems and how i've been stuck in this rut of sin, confess, sin, cry out, sin, etc. as i thought, more and more people started walking in and i couldn't help but notice the kind of people that walked in. another couple walked in, younger, white, and seemed to enjoy kissing each other. a father and son walked in, talking about the film they were about to watch, enjoying one another's company and this time they had together as father and son. some other couples walked in, a group of middle aged friends, a group of high school/college friends, a group of girls who kept whispering and giggling, tempting me to turn around and to tell them to shut up (i didn't).

the movie started and although i knew that the visuals would be good, i didn't realize how beautiful each shot would be. every scene had a sense of elevation, a sense of awe and wonder invoked by the camera angles. the scenes with the actors were so natural and intimate, the camera was almost like a spirit or ghost in which we could peer into the lives of these characters. but the tree of life went beyond these characters' stories, it went into our own lives and how every person, action, and event shapes who we are.

the visuals are amazing, the acting is great, but this film will divide audiences. i know that most people that i know would hate this movie. "nothing happened," "what just happened," "this movie sucks," "i don't get it" are all responses that i would expect to hear and i would disagree because most people walk in with a certain expectation and when the film doesn't meet that expectation, it's all downhill from there. i walked in expecting a visually compelling film that dared to ask and answer life's hardest questions: "what's the meaning of it all?" "is there a God?" "why do people die?"

the film doesn't answer these questions definitively and i don't think anyone was expecting it to, but at times the film does drag on and seems out of focus. it seems to tackle too much and answer too little. at worst, the tree of life seems like sequences of abstractions and existentialism, but at best, the tree of life seems to have glimmers of hope, redemption, and the power of unfailing love.

during the film, i witnessed some people getting up and leaving. i was trying to be patient with the film and with the group of girls behind me who kept whispering and giggling. but i know that the tree of life has something for everyone. that somehow that we are connected with one another, that God has created us for relationship and fellowship, that as we were watching this film, we, as an audience, were connected on a deeper, human level. that like the characters in the film, we have known pain, love, rebellion, and forgiveness.

to those who want to watch this film, or are at least willing to, i would say this: be patient and don't be quick to anger. the film is far from perfect, but it dares to be great and perhaps some will dare to say that it is.

how about that novel you've been working on...

2011-06-04T16:49:00.002-04:00

so how about it?

i don't know.

i don't know why i can't seem to focus. i want to do so many things, but i can't seem to be disciplined enough or self-controlled to complete anything.

this is due to my lack of patience.

impatient to work hard, impatient to go through the stress, impatient to sit down and think.

like guns n roses, i could use a little patience.

2011-05-29T14:33:00.001-04:00

1 + 1 = 1

little successes

2011-05-25T13:18:00.002-04:00

little accomplishments are like little medals. they make us feel like we're worth something. like we did something productive or useful with our time, our lives.

like this blog post for instant. when i hit that orange "Publish Post" button, i feel a tiny hand pat me on the back, my ego saying "way to go," or "that's right, dun. word is born." my ego switches back and forth between a 1950s Beaver Cleaver type of character and a 1990s rapper from QB.

blog posts are one of many things that make us feel good about ourselves. i started eating Greek yogurt, which has way more protein than Go-Gurt. is it as fun to eat as Go-Gurt? no, but i do feel better after i work out because i know that my biceps are that much closer to Arnold's (like Terminator Arnold, not former Governor/adulterer Arnold).

we do little things like this all the time. i chose diet instead of regular, i didn't eat that chicken tender that fell on the floor, i held open a door for somebody when they were kind of far behind me, i read a chapter of a book today, ok it was a graphic novel, but i took extra time to appreciate the artwork.

are these little successes bad? in a way. you're tooting your mini-horn a lot. and many toots equal a big toot, which leads to tooting your pants, and an awkward walk back to your house to clean up your tooting mess.

what's the point?

you're not really getting anything done. in the giant picture of things, you choosing to dwell on these small successes are making you complacent towards the race you're running. i'm a Christian, so i'm running towards the finish line to hear, "Well done, good and faithful servant." others are running towards success as an author, or as a chef, or as a good businessman, or a good parent, or student, etc.

we all have to keep our eyes on the goal. or else we'll forget why we're running in the first place and settle for cheap gold wrapped chocolate medals instead of the real thing. we don't want to be those people who decided to veer from the path because they saw a nice patch of grass and said, "this is good enough for me." we want to keep running until we see the finish and the reward that comes with it, whatever it may be.

little successes aren't always bad. maybe you read a chapter of a real book and it inspired to you to write your own story. maybe eating broccoli instead of cheese fries was a step forward in reaching your target weight, that's great. but let's not dwell on these things and see them as the real prize. let's see these little successes for what they really are. steps towards the real, true success that we are trying to reach. and in Christ, it's been accomplished, we just have to get there by His grace.

caught up

2011-05-25T12:46:00.003-04:00

i think i get caught up in my fantasies too much. i enjoy thinking and imagining what i'm going to do and how i'm going to be so much better when the end results of those actions culminate in my being instead of actually doing them.

i fantasize about writing a script and having that script sold, filmed, winning awards, being called the best written script of all time, getting a piece of the multi-million dollar pie, and living off one success the rest of my life. being known as the guy who wrote the Academy Award winning "insert future film title."

but i get caught up in that and i'd rather just sit thinking about how i'm going to do this and do that, how i'm going to be better at this, improve in that, take time to learn this, and the list goes on. sometimes i feel a panic that i'm not going to do what i always dreamed of doing, which should make me work harder at something, but whenever i have that pressure to achieve, i just shut down.

it's weird.

basketball players dream of making that game winning shot, being like mj.

mma fighters all want to be the best. to win that belt, to be champion. bj penn said, "I just want to be the best ever. Is that too much to ask?"

every kid out there has some kind of pipe dream of being the best in everything, but as you get older, you realize that you can only choose one thing and there's a big chance that you won't be the best in it.

but they all try. we all try. some fail trying to learn the basics. some give up under the high demands of practicing their craft. some fail trying to reach the top and losing to better competition. some just crumble under the pressure of not being good enough and constant failures.

i think most of us can say that we all failed at something at some point, but very few of us can say, "yeah, i'm the best." a lot of us, including myself, just throw in the towel. i think i throw in the towel before i even try.

i just look at my failures or look at the task in front of me and say, "wow, i can't do it." that's something i need to really look at in myself and convince myself to just try, but at the same time, i think that there's a beauty in simple Gospel truth in these everyday challenges. the truth is that some or most of us won't be able to do it, many of us won't be the best. and some people go into depression or they go and work harder, but i don't believe the solution to it all is to "just keep going, or keep pressing on" because sometimes no matter how hard you push, you won't be able to move a brick wall.

i find that once the pressure is off, once the whole label or title of wanting to be the best is out and when the burden is lifted off your shoulders, you are truly free to be the best. it's a weird thing. once the pressure is off, i find myself wanting to actually do the things i want, to follow through on some things that i find challenging or difficult. and that's what Christ did for me.

instead of trying to keep the rules and be the best Christian i could be, i found that i was more of a lawbreaker, a worse person, and that i was failing constantly. it wasn't until i heard the Gospel of trusting in Christ's finished work on the cross and His resurrection that i felt that i was truly free to be me. and not just that. He freed me to do my best for His glory.

we all get caught up in something, in trying to be the best or at least imagining so without any follow through because we're afraid of failing and rightfully so. we will fail, but in Him we find all we need. we find that we can't do it and that's great. He can do it and then we can be free to do our best.

2011-05-25T12:45:00.001-04:00

1 + 1 = 1

waiting

2011-05-22T15:20:00.003-04:00

i used to believe waiting was the best part. the anticipation of a moment. the chills or tingles or adrenaline pumping through your veins because what you were waiting for was finally about to arrive. it's not the goal, but the journey that matters.

well, yes and no.

i used to love the waiting because you had something to be excited about. you looked forward for who knows how long for the last (supposedly) post-mortem Tupac album to drop. for the last Harry Potter movie to come out (please J.K., just one more book). for the latest iPhone, the five v-necks you ordered from gap in different shades of gray, the 12 books you ordered separately on Amazon Prime so you could open each package like a giddy 10 year old girl on Christmas morning. sure, we look forward to reading these books, seeing the movie, listening to the album, wearing the v-necks, playing Angry Birds on the iPhone, but at the same time, a little part of us is disappointed after we experience these things. why?

because it's over.

no more anticipation, no more excitement. why do shopaholics keep shopping? they think that one scarf or blouse or handbag will really complete their wardrobe, but then it's all over when they purchase it. they don't get that same feeling when they first saw that piece of clothing. they don't feel that same excitement from first purchasing that item when they continue to wear it. maybe that's why a lot of dudes throw away their first wives when they see a better and younger version of their wives. wasn't the initial excitement of starting a relationship or even just waiting for the right girl to come along, the most thrilling and heart pumping anticipation that a guy has felt?

but we get caught up in waiting. we want to wait again. after we achieve a goal, we want to achieve better, which isn't bad in some situations. you wrote a novel and you want to write a better one, sure, go for it. you want to be healthier and eat organic. expensive, but sure man, knock yourself out eating steroid free meat. but obviously, in other delicate situations, we can't always just go for another goal because we miss the excitement and thrill of the chase. most obvious example?

brett favre.

yes, the man will be a hall of famer. yes, he's had a great career, even has a ring to show for it. yeah, it would've been cool for him to win a ring before he retired and he tried. but he might have overstayed his welcome because let's face it. he didn't say that he wanted to stay to win a ring. mike bibby and juwan howard are still in the nba and on the heat because they want to win a ring. noble. terrible players, but i can still applaud their efforts while bibby misses open 3's and howard stands around in the paint intimidating no one. favre stayed because of the thrill. yeah the ring would've been cool, but favre even said in a documentary that followed him when he won his first and last superbowl ring in the '90s that he was sad because it was all over.

all of the regular season games to get them to their initial goal: the playoffs. then came the playoffs with higher stakes, win or go home, and finally they made it to the big game with the chance to win it all. to be the best in the nfl. all of that drama, the sweat, tears, the frustration, the practices, the interceptions, the touchdown celebrations, the winning field goals, the last minute drive to the endzone. all of that gone. over.

and favre wanted that again. not so much with the goal of winning it all again, but to experience that journey to win it all again.

same with us. we enjoy the anticipation and are disappointed when it's over. that's why there are sequels. we want it to continue. we want to wait again.

but after spending 5 years at a college and now having to really think about what to do with the rest of this earthly life, i can say that waiting isn't it. it is about the goal and actually reaching it. sure, the journey is important. it'll test our patience and we'll have good times and bad. God will change and mold us according to His will and the journey can definitely be part of that. but God didn't send Christ to die and rise again, so we could just anticipate His Kingdom come. His Kingdom will come and we wait for it to be established. the sooner, the better. we want to have glorified, resurrected bodies and to worship God forever, and to live life as He created us to. it's not about waiting. it's about the end that will bring about a new beginning. it's the end that will bring about eternity. where we will no longer wait, but enjoy what we have waited for. except this time we will be truly happy, excited, and thrilled, even more so than what we anticipated here on earth.

so i will continue to wait.

but i know i must pursue as well. and maybe that's something better left off for another post...

2011-05-07T17:47:00.001-04:00

i've done wrong.

post op

2011-04-29T12:34:00.002-04:00

whats up to all my loyal followers out there. basically sam and maybe wes if i'm lucky. i don't think i have very many people that read this blog. i hear tumblr is all the rage; wordpress might even be a better choice; hell xanga might even make a comeback. but anyway i got back from the doctor's today after having surgery this past tuesday and things are looking up...

for a while, actually maybe a little bit even now, i felt that God just didn't care. i had this disc herniation for a long time as my doctor implied today, to which i neither confirmed or denied due to insurance purposes, but i've had it for a long time and with it, i've had doubts.

i had doubts about whether God loved me and i had doubts about my own salvation and after all the bitching and the moaning about my back and not being able to work out, i did see some bright spots. these may not seem like bright spots, but areas that had light shed on them by God's grace, which humbled me. i realized i put a lot of emphasis on my physical appearance and took a lot of pride in the way people saw me. after working out and gaining some muscle, i felt untouchable and very cocky, so i believe that this injury humbled me. God broke that idol of pride and self-image i had been worshiping. but i continued to worship it because i refused to acknowledge the God who loved me and died for me. my depraved heart still desired to worship the false hope of getting better and going back to my idolatrous ways. i was a mess. i tried to find joy in lust, in a relationship, in anything but what i truly needed: the Gospel.

it wasn't what i needed, it was Who i needed. i needed Jesus and i still need Him and will always need Him. i distanced myself from Him because i associated Him with emotion, with happiness, but i never felt that way and i wouldn't for a long time. i didn't want to set myself up for disappointment as if i could truly be disappointed with the Almighty Father. but that's what i did. i distanced myself, i needed to seek Him, and i tried to, but i gave up easily because what i wanted wasn't going to come easy.

after the surgery, i realize that i need Him and there is nothing else. whatever i end up doing or whether i make a full recovery or not, i need to worship Him because He has been good to me. He died for me, He loved me, and i want to rejoice. so this is my post op repentance of sorts, i just pray that it will be a repentance of action and not of words. thanks for all who have prayed for me. God bless you. God bless you who desire to know Him and God bless those who don't, may He mercifully open your eyes.

idolatry

2011-04-25T19:13:00.002-04:00

forgive me, Lord. i thought that by believing in the rightness of doctrine that i was safe.

so instead of lovingly correcting or pointing out mistakes for Your sake and the sake of Your Church, i took joy in ridiculing those who were wrong.

i forgot, i refused to believe that the Scriptures pointed to You. instead of rejoicing in the person of Jesus Christ, i rejoiced in my knowledge. instead of loving my brothers and sisters, i judged them as inferior. instead of praying that they would turn to You and do everything for Your glory, i delighted in their mistakes, in the lack of insight because i was lacking. i was missing.

i replaced You with words on a page. i replaced You with knowledge. i replaced the joy of my salvation for vainglory. i'm sorry. please, forgive me. there is You and only You matter.

force of habit

2011-03-21T21:33:00.002-04:00

i have no love in my heart

so i will force it.

i will force myself to do loving things,

to have loving thoughts, to be as lovely

as i can be.

maybe one day, i won't have to force

myself anymore and i'll find that the

love in my heart flows out naturally

like a spring of water.

i hope that one day that these habits

will become the real thing and that i won't

be a horrible person anymore with a

horrible heart. until then,

i will try to make myself love.

hypocrite

2011-03-17T00:14:00.002-04:00

i do what i hate.

would i do something that i hate?

i wouldn't.

then i must love what i do, but i always regret it after.

am i still a hypocrite?

images

2011-03-03T15:12:00.002-05:00

people fall in love with images. when i give you roses, you'll take a snapshot of a moment and use it to define me. when i raise my voice and lose you for a second, you'll take a picture of me, and use it against me when you begin to weigh your options. i wonder how many images you will take of me. i wonder which of them will tip the scales, either in my favor or our end. i hope you will see that i am not just one or many images of one kind, but that i am all of them. romantic and all. anger and all. kisses on the forehead and all. the silent treatment and all. sins and all. the bad images will always outweigh the good and you will look for others, who only show you their best side, you will choose to see their best side and ignore the bad because you find comfort in knowing that at least those images won't be of me.

workshop

2011-03-03T15:10:00.004-05:00

i liked the details

because they were

detaily.

i liked the story

because you

told one.

i liked the voice

because you

spoke.

i thought you used

i too much.

i thought the story

wasn't good.

i thought the voice

was inconsistent.

i didn't like it.

i think i'm a liar.

opinions

2011-03-03T15:10:00.001-05:00

they don't matter.

2011-02-15T12:22:00.002-05:00

you miss running. you miss feeling the ground under your feet as you sprint across a field exhibiting your youth and promise. you feel like a Greek god, an Olympic runner pacing to receive the prize. you miss feeling invincible in the gym. potential to be unleashed with hard work and dedication. you miss the hope of sculpting a body of granite out of what is now a body of dough.

you cling to your pride in hopes of having it all back again, of regaining your former glory.

but you may not. you may have to deal with this pain the rest of your life. all your hopes are in the resurrection, but you're not sure that you will be resurrected into eternal life or eternal damnation.

now as the days go by, you contemplate the future. success or failure awaits. the only contentment you have is in your fantasies of fame or glory or love.

all you have are doubts. i wish you would be sure of something.

romance

2011-01-03T16:56:00.007-05:00

her hair flows down like a water fall

his hard body meets her soft skin

their bodies fit together like a puzzle

he traces the curvature of her body

with his finger

she rests her head on his abs and sighs,

we read those words and fall down

we crave to live these scenes out

like we are the perfect stars that

act it out, like we are the fantasies

that others will dream of

we do our best to recreate these

moments in real life, but we can

never capture the feelings that

captured us in the first place

so we hold on to these fantasies

hoping that they will come

true one day,

he wakes up next to her

she wakes up next to him

he goes to blow his nose in

the bathroom

she needs to pee

he's hungry and she wants to

shower. he opens his mouth

to say something and she

comments on the weather

both wonder where to go next from here.

hunger

2010-12-28T15:37:00.002-05:00

i always want to read new books. even when someone buys me new books, i have a desire to go to the bookstore and devour even newer ones. i want sit all day in that bookstore and eat up the greatest literature, ancient and contemporary. but therein lies my problem.

i want to devour. not read, not learn, but consume.

i have this hunger and it's to complete something. to completely be done with something. i've never been a finisher. never beaten a video game on my own (thanks cheatcc.com), never mastered an instrument or a genre of music, never written anything as complete as i wanted it to be. to be more specific, i have a desire to completely own and finish something and on a grander scale than one could imagine.

i want to watch every great film ever made, to master every note and nuance of jazz guitar, to read every single masterpiece ever written, to be really amazing in just one thing.

of course, i've thought of putting in the work. and then i change my mind.

the hunger subsides and then it comes back when i feel i can satisfy it.

my hunger is satisfied by my imagination and fantasies. dreams of success, of living a comfortable life with hardly a struggle. i fantasize about writing, but never revising. i fantasize about the critical success, but never what it takes to get there.

i think about how no one's ever gotten full off of thinking about a hamburger or pizza.

i think about how hungry i'm going to be when i wake up from all these delusions and i can't wait to try again. only this time i won't get lost in the dreams, i'll be set in reality.

dear Preacher,

2010-12-27T15:51:00.002-05:00

please forgive me, for i did not know what i was doing.

i didn't see you for who you really were.

you are a man of God. a messenger, a shepherd, a counselor.

but i didn't see you as that. rather, i saw you as an entertainer, a comedian, a public speaker.

and when you didn't fulfill my expectations, i was disappointed. i called you a boring preacher with nothing insightful to say, even though i never took the time to carefully listen to your words.

you spoke what God wanted you to every Sunday and every Sunday many failed to listen. many were lost in sleep, daydreams, whispers and i was one of them. lost in my own world, trying to figure out my own problems while you were speaking the answers to me. i tried to pay attention in my later years and found that there was wisdom flowing into my ears. gold into my mind.

i am sorry.

i was one of the many who did not care about you or what you preached. i left to seek another preacher who would preach in a way that i desired. i came back and found that i was deaf before and all i had to do to hear was to listen.

forgive me, Preacher. for what it's worth, i am sorry. and now, i am listening.

the root

2010-12-01T01:48:00.002-05:00

when i think about all the art in the world. paintings, sculptures, poetry, fiction, film, music, i'm struck by how many people appreciate these things in a supernatural way. i can't explain what about a painting makes me think. i can't explain why i am moved by certain music. i can't explain my love for film in any myriad of words. but i can tell you the obvious. art is beautiful and it is crafted with passion, and the world is better because of it.

but when i ponder at the root of it all. the purpose in the pencil, the brush, the camera, the guitar, or the chisel, i realize that without a root, it's all meaningless. beauty for beauty's sake means nothing, unless it points to something greater. just as art means something, the beauty in art means something as well. the sights that have taken your breath away, the tears you cried from laughing at a scene, the woman that commands your love, your loyalty. these are all a shadow of what is real, of the spiritual. c.s. lewis said it best, "You don't have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body."

we are creators just like the Creator, who has given us that ability, but unless we use the creativity he has given us for His Kingdom and glory, it is all meaningless, a chasing after the wind.

i don't mean to take away the beauty of art in this world. it's beautiful and will always be beautiful, but it will ultimately be in vain.

let us humbly surrender ourselves to Him, who is able to do much with the little we have.

we have tried our best to shape ourselves. we have tried in order to obtain joy or what we would hope give us joy, but to no avail. let go.

let Him mold you and shape you. it will be hard and painful at times, but we will come out joyful and happier than we could have ever dreamed of. in order to truly create, to truly be an artist, we must surrender the artist within us to Him.

as He takes what we give Him, we will find that now we are truly free to create. and for the right reasons. in order to point to the great glory of Jesus Christ. His Spirit will be Your muse, but much more than that. we will find that He is our God. as we write, paint, shoot, play we find that He is the One who has given us this ability in the first place and that when we created without purpose, we were not creating at all.

by His grace, He becomes the reason for your craft. He becomes the reason why you continue to challenge yourself and excel in your craft. soon His hands become the guide, the root to all of your creation and that brings you joy. no longer will you accept glory for your work because you are not your own. you were bought at a price. your sole desire is to know Him and to make Him known.

this is our end. the Creator creating us to create for Him. He is the artist that has painted many other painters into existence, who would continue the creation of colorful, splotchy, expressive portraits that He so mercifully started in us.

ambitions

2010-11-18T20:16:00.003-05:00

i used to want to be a car designer.

didn't know anything about cars except the names of a select few sports cars that i stored in my mind, just in case if someone asked me what my favorite cars were. i learned that lesson the hard way when my friend asked me what my favorite car was and i blurted out the durango, which was the most recent car commercial i had seen. my friend proceeded to question my taste in cars and i started doing some research from then on.

i don't know what made me want to be a car designer. i couldn't even draw. my mom made me take art classes twice a week back in elementary school because she was concerned about my ability to only draw stick figures. even after the art classes my skills went from horrible to average, probably near the bottom average right above where i used to be.

it never occurred to me to pursue a job where my talents lied. i grew up with little money and that led me to desire a lucrative job. bruce wayne was my hero. tony stark was my back up hero. my mother told me to pray to be like king david, but i wanted to be like solomon, the richest and smartest dude ever. i quickly lost my desire to become a car designer. i really didn't know what to become. high school came and went, but at least i discovered what i enjoyed. film and writing about it. there was one small thing about it that made me hesitant to pursue a major in communications: the money. of lack thereof.

4/16 happened. made me question my purpose. juggled biology, human nutrition, and came back to my senses by switching to english, but now i'm as lost as ever.

4 college years have come and gone. but at least i've got ambitions. i want to write a movie or a book, maybe both. but the question remains in my heart. do i want to this for Christ or for me. these past years have shaped me spiritually as well and i'm torn between wanting to pursue my passions, which are very secular, or to pursue what i think God would rather have me do, which of course i can't know for sure.

i've lived most of my life with a legalistic scale in my hands, making sure that the bad things i do don't weigh more than the good ones, even though i know that the bad far outweighs the good by tons.

what am i doing.

i'm scared of falling into the world and losing faith.

i'm scared of losing my dreams by following the "holier" path.

there is no compromise between the world and God, so i must choose one. is there no way that i can point to Jesus through film? books would come easier, but i still have this desire to be recognized by the world and to be paid handsomely for it.

oh, God, save me from myself. change me and lead me. open up doors of opportunity for me for Your kingdom.

in the end, my ambitions will be burned up in the flame and nothing will remain.

but if i persevere through trial and temptation and forsake all, what will remain? life. and that to the fullest. forgive me, Lord Jesus, help me to seek You with all my heart.

struggle

2010-09-29T17:40:00.002-04:00

what happens after the struggle. everyone has a struggle that they've overcome or are overcoming or are losing to.

the most obvious one is money. people work because no one has all the money they could desire. a lot of people spend their entire lives working for money. forget your boss, your parents, your God. you work for money. enough to retire on. enough to buy that car. enough to send your kids to college. enough to eat. what happens after all that.

you used to have a purpose. money gave that to you, now you've got enough to die on.

i'm like that guy from Office Space. i just want to do nothing. i'd probably be the guy version of Paris Hilton or Kim Kardashian if i had a wealthy family. i'd probably want the attention and fame, too because i need to have some kind of goal, however vain it may be. but if i got rich right now, i'd do nothing. buy a cabin up in the mountains, eat out all the time, write sometimes if i felt like being productive, play video games, watch movies, exercise, read, and do it all over again.

God had a good reason for giving us a ultimatum between Him and money. with money, i'd have no struggle and no desire to grow. i'd be the same person getting older and finding hobbies to spend money on. maybe the greatest sin of having money is what it does to you. it makes you lazy. it makes us content in the wrong thing and it takes away from what God wants to do with us. we don't want ultimatums, we don't want struggles, we just want to have what we want when we want it.

the more i think about it, the more i realize that there's no true joy here. we spend hours watching internet videos, films, shows wishing that we could have the same attention that we give them.

our wires are screwed up. we don't see the big picture. we don't imagine Heaven and the joy that it contains. we even use God as a slot machine to get our way and when we don't, we move on to the next one hoping that we'll hit the jackpot.

we need the struggle. we've just chosen the wrong one.

2010-09-24T00:54:00.002-04:00

i don't think i have writer's block, but i've lost the will to really write or wonder about things. i mean i still do, sometimes. but, i don't have that zone that i would get into to write. the world seemed so complicated and i was so eager to figure everything out. now, the world seems so plain to me. i don't want to figure it out because i can't.

from this time last year, i think i've lost a lot of faith. or maybe i've cut away the fat from the meat and it turns out that there wasn't much meat to start out with. starting from that, i feel that i'm starting from scratch. all of my deep issues have risen to the surface. i've tried my best to ignore them. my issues with love, acceptance, forgiveness, faith have all bubbled up and i've filled my time doing work, playing games, watching tv, anything to escape the reality of dealing with these things.

the truth is that i never truly believed that God loves me, i never could accept myself therefore i believed God rejected me, Jesus died for me but i couldn't believe that He was enough for my forgiveness, and faith, i had faith in myself, not Him.

Lord Jesus, i let go.

pick your poison

2010-08-09T18:29:00.005-04:00

each decade has a drug of choice.

the 1970's had marijuana, which is still prevalent today.
the 1980's had a big crack problem, which is still felt in some areas of the country.
the 1990's was a mix of things. marijuana, being the gateway drug, opened up people to cocaine and maybe heroine.

the thing about these drugs is that they came in and out, even though the remnants remain with us. kids still smoke pot. adults do cocaine occasionally. if you're doing heroine then you're most likely to die of an overdose, but it's not an epidemic. a lot of these drugs are experimental, hopefully non-habit forming, although it doesn't justify the use of them. with the internet, and the technology to make the internet readily available in all circumstances, the past decade has been culminating the new drug of choice: information.

you can call it the internet, but it entails so much more: social networking, chatting, googling, gaming, cyber sexing, blogging, commenting, youtubing, multi-tasking, and the list will continue to increase. because unlike the other physical drugs before it, this drug is far more mental and spiritual than we will choose to believe.

marijuana was done mostly in groups of friends. cocaine could be shared. heroine was individualistic, but you could have a friend to share the high with. the point is that people did these drugs with other people. the severely addicted would do these drugs by themselves because of their craving, but usually people were not alone in the deed. the age of information is different.

everyone has a laptop, iPhone, netbook, blackberry, anything that has internet access and no one shares these items. we may take turns using them, but we don't surf the web together. when we're at our friend's house and there's nothing to do, we use their computer. and we're fine. we can be fine for hours looking at videos, reading the latest blogs or reviews, checking the scores, chatting with other people, doing things that you didn't need to leave the house for. but that's the transition we're making. we can leave our house and do these things. all we need is 4G. all we need is our laptop and we can go to a bookstore or starbucks or anywhere with free wi-fi. pastor Mark Driscoll pointed out the irony in one of his sermons, people go to these public places, so they can be by themselves. you go to where other people are because you know that they're not going to bother you. they're not going to approach you unless you're near an outlet.

people will point to eHarmony, w.o.w., facebook, myspace, aim, and other social networking or gaming or dating sites to show how the internet brings people closer together. but do they? do you really know a person after chatting with him or her for a few hours as opposed to meeting them and seeing their physical mannerisms or details in person? does gaming for days on end make you best friends with someone? does catching up with an old friend mean "friending" someone on facebook? when we want to know more, we use wikipedia or google. we want to know everything about anything. and it's readily available to us. who directed that film? when did it come out? does she have pictures? is this restaurant good? how hot is it today?

we haven't cut out the middleman, we've added one. we've eliminated experience. we don't go outside to feel the weather. we've degraded our smiles and tears into emoticons. we talk about everything via aim and when we meet in person we have nothing to say. we've replaced it all with information and we can't stop. one thing leads to another and hours will pass. you have filled your mind with trivial matters that you will regurgitate in a rare "conversation," that may last a few sentences before you take out your phone.

i don't believe the internet is evil. it's made things easier. paying bills, writing mail, applying for jobs, buying things, staying in touch with people. it's not an absolute evil, but doesn't our excess turn it into some kind of monster?

this generation is going to be raised on the iPhone and the apps it comes with. kids already have facebooks, even though they are in elementary schools. the internet has good, but it opens up potential for bad things to happen. "to catch a predator" was aired on tv for a reason. cyber stalkers, sexting, cyber abuse, cyber sex are all terms along with lol, gg, btw, :P, brb because we've allowed them to be. the next generation will be raised by information alone. what kind of people will they be if their parents are stuck on the internet googling how to be a good parent?

am i going too far? maybe. but something from this post, i hope, will resonate with you. job applications are almost, all, online. email is the preferred way of communication. videochats and instant messaging/texting are eliminating face to face contact. will interviews become a multiple choice test? some parts of it are, testing your personality. will match.com become the way to meet your spouse? for some, it has. will you live your "life" online? or will you experience joy and pain, suffering and hope in a tangible way that you can't translate onto the internet? real or unreal? the thing is that whatever you choose there will always be a mixture of unreal with the real and vice versa. we live to see the dawn and use nightlights to ward off the darkness. we love cooking over an open flame as long as it is propane fueled. we love walking around in an air conditioned atmosphere. but what will be overshadowing the other? whether you do anything about it immediately or let it simmer in your mind for a long time, the day will come when there's no choice left, but to pick your poison.

pornea

2010-07-19T19:22:00.003-04:00

i'm not sure what most people's first experience with sex is. i know it starts very early, 12 is the average age of kids who see their first pornographic material. with the world going in the direction it is, i'm sure that the age will decrease in the future. the cliche is that some kids are channel surfing and come across shows like "Baywatch" or certain music videos that have scantily clad pop "princesses" or maybe even stumbling upon the Discovery channel and seeing animals mating. all very likely, all have happened to me except the latter. watching animals doing it is more of deterrent.

the common theme is that most boys' switch the gear into puberty earlier because of images. we see body parts, it starts getting hot, and you feel desires that you've never felt before. next you feel is some guilt, like you've broken some kind of law or code, but it feels good and you want to keep feeling it. no matter what. you keep looking at the images. progresses deeper into pornography. that progresses into fetishes. some people may have a tighter rein on this than others. maybe you think you have a tighter rein on it than others. my question is, are we even supposed to be looking at it?

do animals watch other animals. are we the only species that watch people have sex? is it natural to watch it? it's natural to be stimulated by it. we can't help that. but is it natural to watch it as a form of entertainment or pleasure? is it natural for actors and actresses to simulate sex in films? is it natural for adult actors and actresses to perform in front of a camera for millions of viewers?

there are many things that aren't natural, i know. the laptop i'm typing on. am i supposed to be spending hours on the internet surfing the web reading about sports, movies, and whatnot? is it natural that i'm typing as a form of communication. well, we've taken language and communicated it into a different form. perhaps the same concept can translate with porn. but i don't believe that is a viable opinion.

sex is personal. it's an expression of love. of commitment. of marriage. of loyalty. Pope John Paul II said it best, "The problem with pornography isn't that it shows too much, it's that it shows too little." Pornography shows just what it promises. Two people having sex. But it's sex that's ripped out of the natural body of love. Sex isn't love or vice versa, it's a vital organ needed to keep the flesh and blood healthy and sane. when taken out of context it becomes disgusting, disturbing, and fake.

porn is a substitute for relationships. it adds to our isolation and we wonder why we are so lonely. we're afraid to take chances. to get rejected. we want acceptance in any way possible. and porn never turns us down, but it always lets us down. we're not meant to watch or look at these things. i pray that i have the faith to step out and take chances instead of settling for one part of a body. i want to experience it all and i hope you do, too.

it'd be easier

2010-06-25T21:24:00.002-04:00

i think it'd be easier if karma was real.

maybe not karma in a what comes around goes around. maybe more of a you reap what you sow. maybe they're similar to each other in a lot of ways like people say that Buddha and Jesus are. maybe i'm being blasphemous right now. forgive me, Lord, if i am. now that brings me to my point, which is what if God worked on a rewards based "relationship." kind of like an employer/employee thing.

you clock in. you put in your "good" work and you clock out hoping that the "bad" won't be enough to outweigh the hard work you put in earlier. i used to live like this. maybe i still do.

i live like i can do enough to good to tip the scales in my favor of salvation, blessing, love, grace, etc. when i sin, i feel lower than low. i feel like there's no hope. i ask for forgiveness, but i just write a mental i.o.u. to God hoping that i can pay Him back for his forgiveness. but by now, the i.o.u.'s have piled up like late bills and i have no idea how to pay them off.

it'd be easier to ask for mercy and to be forgiven of all this debt, but then again i think wouldn't it be easier to just keep the reward/punishment program to continue. i can always file for bankruptcy later when i'm at my end, but for now i can grind it out. a couple of big payments and i'll be out of the hole... for a little while.

it's difficult because with grace i take advantage of it and i use it as an excuse to sin, but with works i'm trying and trying to save myself like i'm trying to keep from drowning on dry land.

it'd be easier if i gave up. it'd be easier if i kept fighting. it'd be easier if i did both. it'd be easier if i wasn't making it so hard.

God, please help.

addiction

2010-05-17T19:14:00.002-04:00

we have two views of addicts. the serious view and the funny/intrigued view. addicted to heroin? serious. addicted to shopping? seriously? addicted to video games? funny. and kind of sad. but we all have our vices. people get addicted to the most dire of things, while others get addicted to things that we didn't realize were addicting. when i think of addiction i think of junkies on the streets scraping together change for the next fix. i think of 12 step programs that tell you that sobriety is life. i think of rehab and how so many celebrities go to get clean only to relapse back into their addictions closer to death.

and i look into my own life. what are my addictions. lust, pride, self-worship. i inject myself with images that flow through my veins into my mind, my thoughts to satisfy this demon that i can't fight off. no matter who i hurt, how it effects me in the end, and how much i want to stop and be free the addiction doesn't care. the addiction only knows what it wants and that, eventually, with enough tempting i will give it what it needs.

i hate that. i hate that i hurt those i love with addiction. i hate that i go into bouts of depression and self-deprecation that takes all of me to get out of. i hate that i can't let go of it.

i find that i need something bigger in me to defeat this. i need a desire just as strong or stronger to overpower this lust; this cancer; this sin. God, help me.

learning

2010-04-28T10:08:00.003-04:00

you know how in disney movies the supposedly nonredeemable character goes through obstacles and circumstances that he or she would never have gone through before to come out transformed, a new character with new actions.

in beauty and the beast, the beast was "unlovable" until belle loves him and he's transformed into a handsome, white (i think he should've been black because of that manly, soulful voice, but disney, right?) prince.

the old dude in Up is turned from a bitter old man into a mentor/father figure at the end of the film because he realized that all the adventure that he needed and wanted with his wife already happened while she was alive.

in freaky friday, the mother and daughter switch bodies, so that they will learn what it's like to be in each others' shoes and to understand, hence growing closer together.

and in blah blah blah. the list goes on forever and will continue to grow.

my question and sort of pondering is this.

am i going through that same thing right now?

for the past 6 months almost, more likely 5, i've been in pain and don't get me wrong i'm way better off now than 4 months ago, but am i missing a lesson here?

i believe things happen for a reason and that God's got a lesson to be learned in all circumstances. the most apparent lesson that i need to learn is patience.

i am impatient. not with waiting for my hot pocket to be done or waiting in line at the dmv, but with learning lessons themselves. i want to know it all, do it all, and be done with it all.

but i'm not done. not as close to done as i would want to be, which would be to be done.

i am impatient. i've come to terms with that. i want to say that i've gotten more patient in the past few months, but at the same time i ask myself how much patience do i need?

and that is where the problem lies.

love God and love people? ok. how do i do that? how much? what do i do? when is it enough? when will my quota of love be fulfilled?

tithe? how much? 10%? every week? every paycheck? what my heart allows me to give? to charities? organizations?

go on missions? share the Gospel? how many people? pray for her? him?

what do i have to do to earn God's love? His favor? when will He be happy with me? i'll do whatever it takes. i'll work all my life to earn it. when i sin and He doesn't like me anymore, i'll make it up to Him. i promise. He'll be proud of me. one day, i'll be worthy.

i'll work 'til the day i die. i'll do whatever He wants. as long as He promises to love me and accept me.

i'll do anything and everything. but i'll fail. like i always do. i'll say i'm sorry and ask You to forgive, but i won't feel forgiven. i'll pray to love more, but i don't feel loved. i'll remind myself of truth, but i will believe the lie.

i tell myself that i will learn. God will teach me. i'll learn and never forget. but i do. will i ever really learn? or will i constantly struggle to accept the truth? will i be too late in the end?

i know that i will always be learning, but never fully learned. and i'm ok with that now. i just want to know the Truth. i don't want to keep asking the same questions anymore.

i think i think too much

2010-04-07T09:15:00.002-04:00

i really do. whether the devil is coaxing me and tempting me with unreasonable and illogical thought patterns or whether i'm just paranoid and fatalistic, i spend most of my time in my thoughts. and i buy into many of them. some are ambitious. some say that i'll be famous one day, that i'll be a good writer, that i'll have a lot of money, and live a good life. i want to believe them. some others say that i'll be alone, that the worst is yet to come, and that i will die miserable, unloved and unknown. i fight to not believe them.

if i choose not to believe any of these thoughts, will i be better off? i believe that God can work in these thoughts. but at the same time they get the best of me and i find myself believing lies and irrational prophecies of my own deduction. do i turn it all off? i don't have the power to do that. you say don't think about it, i think harder. the more i think about ambitious thoughts the more i realize that it can't come true. the more i think about evil ones the more i realize how powerless i am to keep them from coming true. the more i realize how powerless i am the more i feel that they are inevitable.

the harder i think and the more i lose hope. the more i think the more i think about evil days. the more i think the more my jealousies rage. the more i think the more i think "i'm not worth it. the world's better off without whatever i am."

i get sucked into these delusions, but i've found strength to fight them. but i feel if any of my horrible thoughts would come true i would lose once and for all. if one thought came to be i would realize my worst fears and find that it was true all along.

i've found myself at a point of surrender. if i give up these things to God, then i may have hope. the remnants of fear or worry may linger, but if i can have hope in One who can redeem me i feel that i can go on no matter what thoughts may come true. i find that it's really not complicated. it's simple. at least i think it is.

need

2010-03-14T21:16:00.002-04:00

i hear people say, "i can't believe that everyone is evil or else i'll lose hope in humanity. i need to believe that people are inherently good or else we're all just hopeless messes." i believe that statement sets itself for failure and that to hope in humanity is ultimately hopeless. if we were to believe that people were inherently good, then we wouldn't be able to explain why we have crime. why we have murderers, rapists, thieves, liars, and corrupted, selfish people is anyone's best guess. people will point to psychology for answers; they will point to peoples' backgrounds and the way they were raised as excuses for the reason as to why people are as they are, but these all go full circle. because, in the end, we can't explain why some cheat on their spouses, why they lie to get ahead in their career, why they drink until they lose all control of their senses, and why we divert or distract ourselves from asking the real questions that we need answers to. we can say that people do these things because of a certain cause and the effect is that we do these horrible things, but that doesn't account for the reason why we feel the need to do these things. in this evil world, believing that everyone is good isn't an optimistic worldview that everyone should adopt. it will only make you question all the more why there are such atrocities in this world if everyone is good. it's inconsistent.

i can believe that there are some good, some bad. but we know that in this world, no one is perfect. there is no one that is wholly good and wholly bad. we can bet that there are robbers that have children that they love and care for and that the evil they do is for their childrens' good. we can bet that there are good men that raise money to help the poor, but pocket some of the proceeds for their gain. good actions for evil intentions. so there can't be just good people and bad people. you can say that we are all, individually, mixes of good and evil. so what are we then? a bunch of lukewarm people that don't know which side to take? i think we would be content to be a mix of good and evil for who are we to judge one another then? no prisons, no wrong or right because we are all a mix of good and bad, so there would be no need for justice, but something inside us compels us to do so.

i believe that everyone is evil. whether you're a kid stealing a candy bar or you're a mass murderer on death row. we all share the same common disease of sin and evil. how can i believe this? how can i have hope in this hopeless context? i have hope because of this hopelessness. there's no good news without bad news. we surely cannot appreciate or know what light is without the dark. we don't know what right is without wrong. we have this sense of rightness because of the evil inside of us and a desire, a need for something more. we need justice, we need hope. we desire a hope in this hopelessness. it is only in this context that hope is real. but that desire is not enough; there must be something tangible, something real to have hope in. there is. thank God, there is. we need forgiveness, we need redemption. we need faith. to believe in something more than what we have, than what we are. we need Jesus. we are lost in our separation and ignorance because of sin. we need to become hopeless, to come to the end of ourselves and fall into the arms of Christ. we need to.

2010-03-02T13:59:00.002-05:00

i gave it up
no more vices for me
i gave you up
no more sins in me

will i be happy now?
will i be happy now?
will i be happy now?

i gave all that i had
no more things to buy
i saved many lives
i'll be safe when i die

will i be happy now?
will i be happy now?
will i be saved now?

diversion

2010-02-27T23:54:00.003-05:00

distract me from what i really am
hide me behind laughter and silence
i want to be covered up; blanket me in
what i'm not, what i desire to be
because i don't want to feel the pain
of knowing what i'm not capable of

but that's not what i really need
take all these diversions from me

burn me up
burn me until i stop screaming
burn me until you see what i really am
burn me raw

i will be happy when i am refined
when i am refined i will have nothing
to be sad about so i won't cry
when i am refined there will be no
excuse for me to commit crimes

that's what i really need
take all these diversions from me

burn me raw
burn me until i shine
burn me until you see what i really am
burn it all away

worship

2010-02-27T12:53:00.004-05:00

"There are only two kinds of people in the end: those who say to God, 'Thy will be done,' and those to whom God says, in the end, 'Thy will be done.'" -C.S. Lewis

we're all worshipers. i believe we grow up worshiping an ideal version of "you" whatever or whoever that might be. i grew up wanting to be a rich, good looking businessman that had the prettiest girl on his arm living happily ever after. i wanted to be the guys in the movies; i wanted to be james bond, rambo, the athlete, the romantic, the hero. i wanted to be the best, the richest, the most attractive. i wanted to be the desire of everyone's heart. i wanted to be a god. i wanted to be worshiped.

and now at 22 i find myself at these odds. the odds of self-worship against worshiping God. i thought that worshiping God would be easier; it's reasonable enough. give glory to the one who created you, but i find myself desiring my own praise. isn't this evil? doesn't all the evil in the world come out of some form of self-worship? people kill each other because something doesn't go their way; they're not pleased with another person, so they end it. people rape because they want pleasure and will do anything to get it. people steal to satisfy a desire. people cheat, abandon, lie to get their way. because at the center of it all it's a desire to please one's self above all. the devil has the same problem and now he's trying to feed that lie to as many as he can to drag down as many as he can to the hell that he's heading towards. worshiping God requires self-sacrifice; losing yourself; putting others before you. people don't like that. why? because you ask yourself, "well, what do i get out of it?" which is missing the point. i believe that when Jesus said that whoever keeps his life for himself will lose it and those who lose their life for me will find it, he meant that living for yourself isn't the way to live. that by worshiping God, the Creator, and losing yourself in Him you will find who you really are. you will find life in your death. that in self-denial; dying to yourself you will find what it means to truly live, to be like God, but not being God. it's not easy. i find myself natural becoming a devil, while struggling to worship and be like God. i'm happy to have this struggle though. it lets me know that i'm on the right track. that this struggle is the beginning of something that, when finished, will be my natural state, who i really am.

wedding

2010-02-21T13:46:00.005-05:00

a man weds a woman. a woman weds a man. there is a wedding ceremony, wedding cake, wedding guests, wedding cards, wedding gifts, wedding pictures, wedding decorations, wedding reception, wedding vows. i think about all these things. the details of a wedding. i never think about what it really means to wed. i never thought about it as an action, just a bunch of details that people put so much care into. what does it mean to wed, to be married. there's a nice ceremony where people are dressed in their best, a reception where there is celebration for the honored couple, but we forget about the details that have become redundant over the years. the vows, the kiss, the guests. what does it all mean?

the vows. aren't vows for knights? for samurais to honor and would fight to the death for? isn't it for that one guy who gets saved by a kung fu master and is indebted to him for life? vows are forever, right? when the action hero takes a vow of vengeance upon the person who killed his family, we expect the hero to follow through. he may get tired, weary, discouraged, but we expect fully that he will get his revenge and that he will make good on his vow. but of course we expect that in a movie. it wouldn't make much of a film if he changed his mind or found another woman to start a family with and forgot about his vow. we'd have serious questions about his character and his intentions. why is it so different with marriage. people are getting divorced left and right. have they forgotten their vows? when they made them, didn't we expect them to follow through? when they said that they would be together until death no matter what circumstances would arise, did we just think that it was a euphemism? maybe i didn't take it so seriously because no one else did. but it just makes us out to be liars. the vows are real. there may be times when you wish you weren't married, when you wish the person you were married to were different, when you want to cheat, when you want to leave, when you want to end it. we want the easy way out. but when we don't keep the vows it kills the relationship and the people involved in it. it hurts the other person when you want to be selfish and break the vows. but remembering them and keeping them keeps the marriage intact. the vows keep the couple alive. the vows are for life.

the kiss. i don't have much experience in this department. i think every kid knows kisses are sometimes wet and sloppy, but the people that kiss you care for you. one day you're too old to be kissed good night and its time to find someone else that you can kiss. the kiss isn't just a physical sweet gesture that lets everyone know that you are together or that you care or that you share the same bed. i believe its symbolic. when you kiss at your wedding you're saying this is my spouse whom i love and will love until death and the only one who i will kiss as long as i live. i don't think its a sin to kiss your parents and your children or a close friend, but that's why the bride and groom kiss lips. i don't know how the kiss came about. maybe adam and eve were hanging out and one of them suggested to the other if they wanted to touch mouths. "like the thing i use to put food into and chew and swallow?" "well, maybe not teeth, but just the outer part of the mouth." and the kiss was born. or maybe they didn't find touching nostrils and ears quite the same thing as touching lips. i figure you don't kiss everyone you meet and that it's reserved for someone you care about and want to share your life with. maybe that's why the kiss comes after the vows. it's a seal. a promise to keep the vows.

the wedding guests. yes, you will invite people that you have never seen before, but at least you can get wedding gifts or money to pay off the wedding from them. but the guests are more than guests. they're witnesses. your best man, maid of honor? men and women to keep you accountable, to make sure that you are making a lifelong choice and that you must keep it. the guests testify to your vows, your kiss, and your lifelong journey together as one. the witnesses are going to be one of the reasons that you keep your vows. you don't want to tell everyone that you have broken your vows that they were witness to. it's shameful and you become a liar. you break the faith that they had in your marriage bond. they don't know all the details of your married life. they don't know what he's really like. they don't know how she treats me. but they care. they care enough to be there to see you join together as one. but i don't want to stay with her or him for their sake, what about what i want? this is what you wanted. you wanted forever. you wanted vows, kiss, the witnesses, and everything. if you didn't mean it, then you shouldn't have. this is why there are no divorce ceremonies. we don't celebrate it. we say forever and mean it. weddings are the beginning of no end.

2010-02-17T18:45:00.002-05:00

i am scared to be happy. i used to be scared of thunder storms. i remember one time i was at my grandmother's house and i was lying on the couch as it began to thunder and rain. i could feel the dampness in my hair as sweat seeped through my nervous pores. i heard cracking as an unfortunate tree got hit by lightening and i saw severed branches on the ground where it didn't belong. the wind began to blow and rain started to pour and every so often a flash of light alerted my attention and fears towards the storm. i imagined my father, who was coming to pick us up, in a horrible accident. maybe a tree limb fell on his car, maybe the car slipped on the road, maybe lightening struck him, who knew? but he came. and i was relieved as me and my sister left to go home where it was safe, where i knew everything would be in its right place and be there to stay.

i realize that i wasn't so much scared of the lightening, the rain, and the wind themselves. i was scared of the effect that they would have on me. and the same fear grips me now. happiness? happiness i can't grab, i can't hold onto, and no matter how tight i may grip it it can go away. i am scared to be happy because i know that at any instant it can be taken away. of course, this is true in all things. i can lose any part of my body to disease or accident; i can lose my family or friends through death; i can lose myself in my depression. so why happiness? why does it matter so much? maybe i've grown up listening to too many happily ever afters. no one tells you what happens after happily ever after because happily ever after means forever. people living happy forever. but the more i've grown up the more that isn't true. disappointment, failure, crushed hopes have all the more watered my fear making it grow into this giant tree whose shade i'm under, not allowing any sunlight to touch me for fear of being burned.

the more i stay under this tree, the more i feel the vines of pride strangle me and hold me down to where i don't belong. i don't belong under this tree of fear. i want to be free and i want to cut these vines that are holding me down. cutting them hurt because it seems that they have become a part of me, stuck on me like tape, like a bandaid i don't want to rip off because it'll pull out some of my hairs with it, but wounds need to breathe to heal. and i want to breathe and heal and i may get burned, i may fall, i may lose it all, but God will help me rise again. the God of redemption and hope in whom we can't be disappointed in, in whom there can be no failure. so God help me to lay it all out there. cut these vines so i can cut down this tree and give me seeds that will grow to bear fruit.

the great impression

2010-02-15T15:51:00.002-05:00

what is this that presses itself on me so heavily. am i pressing down on myself or is it something else. this fear, this worry, this depression leaves a great impression on me. i have food, water, clothes, a bed, parents, an education. i have no reason to be depressed. no reason to be greatly depressed. but i feel without hope. where is my God. is He above watching me in my misery or is He next to me as i begin to grow numb to the distractions that i surround myself with, that i fill my eyes with. i am afraid that one day i will wake up alone. and i am afraid that i will say to myself, "see, i told you so." because i expect the worst. i expect the worst in every situation.

people say to me that i am relaxed and cool when things don't bother me the way they bother others. i am not relaxed or cool. i am expecting worse. i still do. i am expecting everyone to leave me one day because of the impression of my depression and i look forward to that day because the worst will be over and i will be at the bottom. i will no longer have to fear anything worse because it has already happened. and once i am at the bottom, i will stay there because to climb is to fall.

i want to enjoy the time God has given me. no matter how short. sin and sorrow hide in dark corners and i may lure myself to their familiar grasp. so i've already lost precious time. God desires perfection and so do i. His Son will stand in my place when all is said and done because i'm broken. i wonder if He's disappointed in me. i know i am. i wonder why i can't stop doing the things i hate. i wonder if i truly hate them.

i'm hoping that love will kick in the door sometime soon to pull out from the bottom. but i'm afraid of being dropped back in. God is good i've learned. He isn't tempted by evil. but He can redeem it for His good. how i desire this. how i desire to be impressed by Him rather than my depression.

2010-02-02T18:58:00.002-05:00

i see your body
your everything
i see my desire
i devour

but i don't see
beyond your flesh
i don't see what
drove you to
this

i see my lust
and the means
to an ugly end
i'm unfocused
breathe
focus

i know who
you are
a daughter
a sister
a lover

i see what
i've become
selfish
weak
a sinner

i walk away
and pray
for forgiveness
for love
for strength

i walk away
and i die
to rise again
anew
because
i don't want
to hear
a father's cry

to new

2010-01-27T21:24:00.004-05:00

i'm having this mental block. this barrier that i can't seem to let go or get through or break. i just want to breathe but i can't even do that. i think. i constantly think about everything. i think about thinking. maybe it's satan's attempt to get me to fall backwards. to get me to my old ways again. but i want to move on. to new.

my old ways were denying me. i was listening to people all around me, but i wasn't really hearing Him, i was hearing them. i was told all these things and i tried to do them, but it shouldn't have been me doing in the first place. i was blind and deaf and i wasn't understanding. but all fingers pointed to You. now i'm ruined. nothing can stand in comparison to You.

so i find myself beginning a journey. of seeking on my own. walking and living out my own story in His light. i still have troubles, i still have questions, but that doesn't matter anymore. i don't want to worry about what others say unless it brings me closer to You. but now i know i must seek You alone. without anyone telling me how it is, just You guiding me into new.

2010-01-22T23:40:00.002-05:00

i hear a lot about living under grace. i've been hearing that lately and asking to do that in my prayers, to live under grace. but i'm not sure exactly what it means. i can't really say i know what grace is by definition. i think i know what grace is not and maybe from there i can conclude something definite.

grace isn't something that you take advantage of and use to your selfish gain. i think a lot of people do this and i used to as well. we say God will forgive me and we do whatever we want. i don't believe that grace is that. if it was we'd have murderers, rapists, and thieves out here while we locked ourselves away in an upstate prison. there isn't a supply of grace that we get every year to use sparingly. it's more of a second chance, grace is a gift.

grace also isn't limited. we say God gave me a second chance, so i can't screw up anymore. but we do and we destroy ourselves. i've been there too. if that was true, grace would be the leading cause of preventable death in the country. everyone would be killing themselves out of fear of screwing up again. grace isn't just one "get out of jail free" card. it's a lifetime of bail outs that we will need. grace is freedom.

grace is a free gift. so, why do i have so much trouble forgiving myself, why do i feel sometimes i'm on my way to hell, why do i have trouble accepting grace, of living under it. i sinned today. i know i will sin again, but today i was filled with grief and horror and wanted to be punished to be justified. i kept telling myself of grace, of living under it, of love. i wondered what love looked like, what grace looked like. and i kept telling myself that Christ on the cross was it. i told myself it was a cliche and doubted, i wanted a feeling, some emotion to help me get through. but the more i thought about it, it made sense. Christ on the cross. died for my sins. forgave all my sins. to give me grace to move on. so that i don't have to suffer. so that i can be different from the rest. grace is making me new.

a time for pain

2010-01-11T18:51:00.000-05:00

6 weeks. that's how long i've been in pain. every morning, afternoon, and night has been slightly uncomfortable to excruciating and the pain doesn't seem to be letting up. about 3 months ago i injured my lower back. after a game of basketball i went back to my cozy apartment hoping to enjoy a hot glass of cocoa while watching a movie on the projector. as soon as i bent over i felt a sharp pain in my lower back and i found that i couldn't bend or move i normally could. i'm no gymnast, but sitting down without groaning in pain and bending my back were things i used to be pretty good at. i put some icy hot on my back and hoped for the best. my back got better slowly over time, but i decided to go back home and get acupuncture to speed up the recovery. i went back and got 3 sessions of sweet needle sticking and suction cupping (for the bad blood) and i was almost 100% without pain. it was great. it was a miracle. it was really Asian. so i went back to school feeling fine, but had some discomfort in my legs. the concept behind acupuncture is to bring the pain out, so the pain in my lower back was moving down my legs to go out through my feet? i think. i'm still not sure, but like an idiot i went back to what i loved to do, which is being manly. and what do manly men do? go back to lifting really heavy weights to impress girls and boys alike.

i wanted to see if i could deadlift what i could before, so i could prove to myself that all that time wasted in the gym wasn't about to go to waste. i did what i had hoped to do, but not without sacrifice. as the days went on, pain in my legs started to get increasingly worse. sharp pain would go down my left leg whenever i sat down on my toilet. sorry for the image. weeks went by without it getting better. i thought it was bad circulation and put my feet in warm water, but it didn't really help. i walked around with the pain like a bleeding wound that no one could see, but i felt. i immediately thought of acupuncture. the promise of instant relief gave me hope, so i dealt with the pain any way i could. i hit my leg to numb the pain, i tried to ignore it hoping it would go away as if my unresponsiveness would bore it into leaving me alone. nothing worked and the pain worsened as i walked, as i woke up every morning to find the same gnawing pain in my leg, and as i woke up a little bit more hopeless every day.

i went home and received the acupuncture treatment i so desired. my mom called the acupuncturist and told her about my condition; she laughed and told me to come if i wanted. i went and explained my pain. she stuck needles in me, but this time i felt no instant relief. i walked out feeling the same. feeling more hopeless. the pain remained and i did not want to waste more money on a treatment that didn't work. then i got a phonecall from my awesome mentor/medical advisor/brother kevin lee and i was pretty stoked to go eat with him. we enjoyed a nice indian lunch buffet while the pain nagged at me reminding me that it was still very real and present. we ate and talked and i held back from getting a 3rd plate that most likely would've put me to sleep. i told him about my symptoms and he said that i had a herniated disc, although not a severe case. the pain in my legs was because the disc was pinching a nerve in my back which connected to my legs. it was called sciatica. well, now i knew my enemy's name. he told me to go google and find exercises to do to treat my back. i had hope again, so i went home to google this pain away.

i found exercises that were painful for me to do. i felt my back bone crack into place, but the pain was still there, but at least there was something i could do now. i went to get acupuncture at a different place. my aunt recommended him to my mother, so i went with my mom and dad hoping for instant relief. i wondered what was different about this man's methods that made him better. i soon found out. painfully. he stuck needles in places that i didn't expect. my wrist, middle finger, foot, arm, and the area between my nose and upper lip. he stuck one in my wrist and twisted it until i hissed in pain. he then grabbed the needles in my arm and above my upper lip and said this was going to hurt. he told me to move my hips in a motion that would stretch my lower back as he twisted the needles. it hurt. a lot. but it got better because i could feel my back loosen up a little. at the end i was glad i went. i was supposed to go again, but i figured it'd be fine. he told me to rest my back and take it easy for a while. that translated to me as: don't exercise, but it's totally cool if you want to go out and eat and drink beer. he actually told me to stop drinking beer because he said that it was bad for my large intestine and he pointed at my acne ridden face saying that it was connected to my large intestine. i appreciated the advice, but i took it with a grain of salt.

i went out and drank and ate and the pain got worse and worse. i went back to the acupuncturist and he said my back was really swollen because i hadn't rested. fantastic. i'm an idiot. so i go home and i do absolutely nothing. but its good for my back, so i don't complain. i ice the back, eat, get fat, and do it all over again. my mom is concerned and she wants me to get an x-ray. she sets up an appointment at the chiropractors. i go and i get bad news. my spine is tilting to the left because my muscle spasms are pulling it that way. i have a disc problem between my L4 and L5 bones. he puts me through a series of tests and then he puts me through a series of massaging. after that, he twists me and cracks my bones to "relieve the symptoms." i'm grateful, but still in pain and i go home. the pain is now in my right leg and it's worse off than before. i can't bend over, i can't make any sudden movements, i get muscle spasms in my butt and leg and all i can do is wait out the pain, i can't squat or even sit without a pain attack. my mom says not to go back to the chiropractor because the acupuncturist said its just going to put me through more pain and money since i don't have insurance. i wish i knew that before. i wish i didn't take x-ray. i wish i didn't waste 130 on that torture doctor they call a chiropractor. i wish that i didn't feel knifes in my legs and butt every time i made a sudden move. i wish i never deadlifted that fateful day in november. i wish i wasn't in pain.

where does that leave me? i was feeling hopeless as i was told that the recovery was going to take a long time. i couldn't imagine a pain free day anytime soon. i felt depressed. my dad spoke up and said there are times in life when you're going to be in pain and times when you're not, don't despair.

and i haven't. this has actually turned out for my benefit. i've been spending time by myself, with God, taking things slow. sleeping early, waking up early. i've spent my mornings and afternoons with a beautiful girl gracious enough to visit me in my misery. we talk about our pasts, our sins, our future, God, and us. i find myself falling deeper and deeper and find myself being consumed by thoughts of her. and i realize that this isn't so bad.

there's a time and season for everything. a time for pain. i don't know when this time will end. but i hope that now is the time to heal. a time for love. and i know that there is no better way than to begin like this.

another year over

2009-12-31T17:28:00.000-05:00

another year of sins forgiven. God thank you, let me start again.

grace

2009-12-25T12:39:00.000-05:00

i believe we're all in need of grace. in a world where everyone's right; where some believe in fate, destiny, religion, or chance there's a desperation in all of us. of course, we don't always recognize it as it is. our desperation takes different shapes and forms in all of our lives.

in my life i have a desperation to be famous, to be popular, to be noticed by somebody, by everybody. i grew up watching movies where the toughest guy always saved the girl; where the loser became the winner; where the richest guy led the richest life, and i wanted all of that. i wanted to be rich, good looking, and able to out-fight/drink/lift/eat/ski/throw/catch/shoot anyone. i wanted to be the guy that every guy wanted to be, that every girl wanted to be with, to be happy. i wanted to be worshipped. i became my own idol and sometimes i still struggle with this, so i get lost in my fantasies waiting for them to come true. but i know if they ever became reality i'd revert to being a scared boy not knowing what to do with all these met desires. i know i would find another idol to worship because it never ends.

whether its the ideal of having a family, a girl, money, success, fame, image we all worship something. we worship not being alone, not being poor, not being failure. we want to avoid what we fear, so we worship the opposites of what we fear.

our idols are no longer made of stone or gold or wood; they are made up of longings. they are made up of our good deeds and the works of our hands.

but trust me when i say that there is nothing else, but Jesus. Jesus Christ. God incarnate. Savior. Lord. Friend. Master. Everything.

the world we live in will deny this, dismissing it as an outdated, primitive, religious, oppressive, superstitious "god" that weak people worship to sooth their conscience or to give them purpose or reason to live. we've all had bad experiences in the church. hypocrisy, judgments, hate, anger, bigotry, the list can go on forever. all i can do for you is the same thing i do for myself: point to Jesus.

you may think you have heard it all. you know the Gospel message. it's not for you. it doesn't make sense to you. you can't believe in it because it's ridiculous. but i know the reason is that you're scared. i'm scared too. i don't want to face my demons let alone admit them. the same as you. but the truth is you have to. in order to grow, to become human, to realize your purpose and your place in life. you have to face your demons, you have to try and fight them. fight off your demons. but i know you will fail because i have so many times and i still do. i still sin and find myself picking up the pieces, but i know i'm not alone. because of grace.

i'm dissatisfied and scared about the future, about now, about my past, about my situation, about events that surround me. and all this can drive me to disbelieve in God, in Jesus, but it does the opposite. why?

maybe it's because i am weak and i refuse to believe that after one dies they cease to exist. maybe it's because i'm not open minded enough and refuse to believe in other religions. maybe because i was raised Christian and it's a part of my identity.

i know it's because of this void in me. this desperation. this disease. this death. i know i can never debate Christianity into you. i can't save you. you want your own belief, your own story, your own philosophy. all i can do is pray. pray for that desperation in you and pray that God will save you. that He will open your eyes and your ears and your heart. all i can tell you to do is seek the truth.

it's hard, painful, frustrating, but it's about endurance. and when all is said and done it's worth it. people will say you're closed minded, judgmental, unloving, a horrible person. we're all evil, we all want to live our own way. i'm telling you to look for God, for meaning, for life. you can't truly live on your own. you need grace. i need grace. pray for me.

God is love.

a change of heart

2009-12-24T13:41:00.000-05:00

i don't know if i've had a change of heart or maybe a misdirection of worry and fear. big difference, i know. i imagined myself traveling around the world like some kind of nomad or wanderer. but i find myself wanting to settle. to settle down and start a family sounds like the normal thing to do, but i think it's an insane adventure that people choose to go on. people have always been looking for a purpose, a reason to exist, and have gone around looking and seeking for meaning to life and naturally it makes sense for all of us to wander, exploring the world. isn't it against our nature to settle; to mate with one person for the rest of our lives and raising kids to do the same. isn't that boring and wrong and unnatural? the more i think about it, i get scared. scared that i won't be able to provide, to nurture, to love. the more i think about it, i settle for the 9 to 5 job, the 2.5 kids, and house with a picket fence. the minivan, the family trips, and the holiday visits to grandma and grandpa. maybe it isn't so bad. and then i think about 20 years from now and whether i'll look back and say what could've been. hopefully i'll look at my family; my wife and kids and say i wouldn't have it any other way.

snow

2009-12-19T12:11:00.000-05:00

i want to be

clean
pure
perfect

like untouched snow.

refreshing

2009-12-08T17:29:00.001-05:00

you're the cool side of a pillow against my warm body.

rebirth

2009-12-08T17:27:00.000-05:00

people are reborn every day
new faces, new noses, new lips,
new chests. regenerated with
new parts because you didn't
like the ones you were born
with.

breaking bones

2009-12-06T12:31:00.001-05:00

you're taking everything i own
you're taking away my home
now i have no place to go
you're slowly breaking my bones

you're slowly breaking me down

at the bottom

2009-11-29T13:55:00.000-05:00

at the bottom
i hope i find You
but i've hit rock.

i built and built
only to fall.
i was trying to get
by the skin of
my works,
but i've barely
escaped the flames.

but You're not
done yet. you've
saved me, so
let me begin again.
i will build on the Rock.
on this Rock that you
have graciously let me
fall on. build me up, so
i can build. i don't
want to barely escape,
but to hear that i
was faithful.

half fullempty

2009-11-26T12:16:00.001-05:00

half full
half empty
half optimist
half pessimist
half our wits

lusts

2009-10-25T19:19:00.000-04:00

we don't have needs
we just have lusts
i've sown no seeds
and now i'll return to dust
my eyes, plucked
my hands, cut
no we don't have needs
we just have lusts

oh, God i know i'm wrong
oh, i fell and now you're gone
oh, how can i pay back what i owe?
oh, i fell, i should have known
oh, how can i atone?
oh, i've reaped what i've sown
you can write my sins on my tombstone
you know there's nothing good in my bones
i hope you can make good of my soul

foundation

2009-10-22T13:52:00.000-04:00

pull me apart
brick by crumbling
brick.

i won't fall
i promise
i won't fall

let the storms
come and
wash away
what i thought
i believed

i won't fall
i promise
i won't fall

let the winds
blow and tear
me down
i am built on
my good deeds
so

i won't fall
i promise
i won't fall

my house
has fallen
and i've
found that
my foundations
were built on
sand

i will fall
i promise
i will fall

seasons

2009-10-18T18:34:00.000-04:00

seasons come and go.
seasons change into another.
people come and go,
some say we don't, that
we just change into another.

like leaves in fall and spring
we change colors, prettiest
as we near our end, we all
fall and become the ground
for others to grow in.

as the sun shines on
the ocean, we sparkle, we
glimmer, and enjoy our
glorious days. but we
will rise above as vapors
in the wind, like ghosts
above the earth, but
below the heavens
with nowhere to go.

but we will continue to rise
towards the Son, to become
a part of the clouds, to fill
them up until they become
heavy with gray. and we will
rain down upon the earth
so more trees can spring
and resurrect to life.

the new leaves will take in the bad
and breathe out good wind.
at the same time the wind
blows away decay in the fall,
but carries life to the flowers
in the spring. the wind carries
vapors above the earth and
towards the Son as the Spirit
so the cycle may continue its end.
believe in love or die in sin.

forgive/forget

2009-10-18T17:35:00.000-04:00

can i move on from this?
can i forgive and forget?
or will i forgive to forget
or forget to forgive?

are they one and the same
or steps toward some
recovery? if i forget
won't i do it again,
if i forgive won't i
forget the lesson?

forgive/forget
forgive/forget
forgive/forget
forgive/forget
forgive/forget
forgive/forget
forgive/forget

if i sin for the 8th
time, will you still
forgive/forget
or have i reached
the limit?

is there any end to your
forgiveness or have i lost
count? i want to move on,
but echoes of my sins
still resound.

kiss/idle

2009-10-18T17:19:00.000-04:00

it's all that's left
when you've given
your everything
to a fantasy

i gave it all away
to pictures in
a magazine,
videos on a
computer screen

i'm drained and
i'm on my way
out and all i wanted
was someone to
kiss goodnight.

* * *

i raised you up
and gave you praise.
you filled me for a
moment, nothing
gained.

i've learned that i can't
fill the void with you,
but you know that i'll
try again and again.

i felt for a moment,
but now i'm ice.
my wound feels numb,
but i'll scratch it until
it bleeds or until i can
feel it again. but you
don't care because you
don't feel at all.

i made you my idol,
but now i'm idle.

for my brothers and sisters

2009-09-28T11:38:00.000-04:00

shoes

these shoes have kept my feet safe
they have been faithful
through rain and shine
i have walked and ran
without trouble
these shoes have stepped
on foreign soil. they have
become international.

they have taken me where i
wanted to go. from China
to the Tibetan grasslands.
from learning to dance with
orphans to dancing in circles
with kind strangers who gave
us something to eat.
these shoes have stepped in puddles,
in waste, on soil, on stone.
these shoes have been faithful.

i like to believe that these shoes still
have hints of those memories in the
soil, debris, feces that linger on the
bottom. i like to believe that at
times i'm in two places at once.
i think about where these shoes
have been and where they are now.

i like to think that they connect me
to where i was, to the people i've
touched. i hope they think of these
shoes when they think of me
because i like to think that they
are a part of me.

an extension, an ambassador overseas.

we drive in circles

2009-08-23T17:23:00.000-04:00

i think we attach ourselves to the scenery we grow up around. i used to look forward to going home and seeing familiar faces. i used to want to stay. i wanted to eat and drink and make music and laugh about the things that unfolded throughout the night and the day after to repeat, repeat, repeat. i still have love for these things, although it is a different love, an evolved love. it is no longer the clingy, depressing, teary, woe-to-loss-of-tomorrow love. it has become something deeper, something mature, a love with purpose, a love that can carry on. many things have contributed to this change, but i like to compare it to a blind man getting his sight back, a deaf man hearing for the first time, a dead man rising again. i believe one day my eyes were opened to the fact that we were driving in circles all along. the fast food joints that we invested so much time in would remain, would expand, would follow me through my college degree, my 9 to 5 job, my 4 bedroom house, my 2.5 children, and it would continue forever through my descendants if they chose to continue the path that i was on. i've found that i don't mind driving in circles as long as there is meaning and i am not sure if there is any so far. sometimes i just want to get out of the car and walk. to not pay so close attention to where my feet will step and look around at the new scenery even if i may fall. i've found that it is all about the heart. and i pray for change to come so that out of that root may come good fruit. to be righteous, not fighting to be right; to love, not condemn; to know the difference between right and wrong and the courage to say so, not accepting all, not rejecting all; to be faithful, not to be blindly believe; and to live in hope, not to die in defeat. i realize that i want to follow, not lead; i want to point others in the right direction then maybe the places and things we used to love would follow us to where we're going rather than us chasing them. the path will be narrow and rough compared to the smooth, wide road that we drive on, but at least the path will be straight and take us to new places, new experiences, to life.

lyrics: take one

2009-08-06T00:50:00.000-04:00

i was done for, Lord
i was dead in my inability to save
strong enough to dig my own grave
there was nothing left
all of my promises, never kept

so i gave up, i stopped trying
to earn my rights
you are the light, help me to
live in it

all i was was trying on my own
just fighting. denied that i had
limits but he was just lying
but i've found that we're all
just lost in this empty sound

so i gave up, i stopped trying
to earn my rights
you are the light, help me to
live in it

there is nothing else, there is nothing else
nothing else but you

photograph

2009-07-12T19:17:00.000-04:00

for over 2 weeks my passport, old tickets, and a tibetan handcrafted pencil and pen case lie on top of my pillowcase on the floor of my room. and your picture lies hidden in my notebook; the picture is of me and you with my arm around your shoulder and we're making a peace sign or victory sign or just sticking two fingers up in a pose depending on what country we're in. i see the picture sometimes when it falls out of the notebook and i look at it and i put it right back where it was. i told myself i would frame the picture, but i haven't. it's not because i don't want to, it's not because i want to forget about you, but i want to protect you.

ever since i came back i have fallen back into my old ways. my sins, my lusts, all these things that i am ashamed of, that i don't want you to know about, that i wish that you will not even come across. but i know the things you will have to go through. the obstacles, the trials, the temptations, but you won't be aware of what they really are because you don't know. your eyes aren't open, but i hope they will be. i hope that God will call out to you, that He will make you aware of the emptiness and hopelessness that lies inside all of us, and i hope that you will go out and seek Him out. but i know that it will be hard, that you will fall, that unless God keeps you that you will die. so i hide you. i hide you in my notebook so you can't see the struggle, the hardships, the doubts, and the evil all around and inside me.

i want to save you. but i can't. i know only one who can, so i pray. i'm afraid that my sins have clouded me and have made me forget about you and all the love and good things that we had. i'm sorry, please forgive me. all i can do is give up. i give up trying to protect you and save you because i know that i am powerless to even save myself. so i give it all up to God and i hope that you will too one day. i pray for that. may love bind us all. God, have mercy on us all.

want

2009-07-05T16:07:00.001-04:00

you know for the longest time
i had trouble thinking about you.
i still do sometimes and i think
it's getting worse and then better,
but now it's different.

i don't know what these other boys,
if there are any, think about you
or if there is a divine plan that
doesn't involve me and you.
but i've finally found the difference.

i've always fantasized about you
and me, but now i'm content to
stop. not as if i've had enough of
you, but because of the reason
to think of you as you are.

maybe one day a man will say
"i know you, i love you, marry
me." and maybe he does know
you and love you and that
satisfies him to be secure enough
to marry you.

but for me i'm not satisfied and
i won't be, not even if we were
married because i want to know
you. i will never know everything
about you, but i will keep wanting to.
when we are 20 years deep i want
to be surprised when you say,
"i really like orange."

i'm not sure if i love you, but
i want to and that has made all
the difference to me. and i hope
that it will be enough for you too.
you are my want, you will always
be my want, and that is my
commitment to you.

hope

2009-06-29T10:17:00.000-04:00

today. today, i sinned against God, against myself, against people that i care about. i came back from china two days ago. for 3 weeks in china i woke, i ate, i drank, i conversed, i taught, i played, i read, i worshipped, i slept, and did it all over again. every day for nearly 3 weeks i did what i couldn't do here, in america, in a free country where millions of immigrants including my parents have sacrificed their today for their children's tomorrow. thousands of miles away in an oppressed, communist country i lived life for 3 weeks, i truly lived, i lived with purpose, something i couldn't do here.

and today. today, i sinned. i was scared. i was scared of going back to my old habits, my old self, my faithless living so i fell back into it to get it over with as if eventually i would've fell regardless of what i did in china, how my faith grew, how i loved God and people in china like i couldn't here. i didn't believe that i could move forward with everything i learned. i couldn't believe that things could be as good or better here than there. i lost faith. so i fell.

today i sat shirtless on the fairly new deck that my parents had built while i was away at college reading yesterday's Washington Post Magazine. the magazine featured an series of pictures that a woman had taken of kids in her old neighborhood in the late 80's and compared them to the pictures of the grown up kids taken as recently as last year. 20 years separated those pictures and the subjects of those pictures wrote little paragraphs of how they were and how they are now. they wrote about what is important in their lives now: about how love is the solution, if they are ready for the change that having kids will bring, about seeing past the surface into the inner depths. the sun beat down on my white chest, the same sun that beat down on me in the Tibetan grasslands. every single picture of these kids that have grown up seemed so disatisfying. i found no hope in any of these pictures or in any of these people that have grown up. ever since i came back i have felt empty and alone because i fear that there is no purpose here, no hope.

i have seen the desperation, the hope, and the joy on the other side of the world for something more, something that this life cannot offer. i was there, we were there desiring the same thing for them and for us. and now that we're back, i'm back, i lost that desperation. the same sun beats down on both sides of the world, it rises on the good and the evil, and we are all lost in the sound of separation. but here, in this country, we don't care, we'll find what we need on our own to drown out that sound. but i have seen good people and i have felt that nothing can drown out that sound except the desperation all people share in desiring God. there is nothing else. and i, i sinned today, but there is hope. the hope of glory in the end. Christ in me. and i'm desperate for that.

higher

2009-05-20T19:56:00.000-04:00

i remember this dark, green radiator hidden behind a giant oak tree in front of the apartments i used to live in when i was a kid. it was probably only 7 or 8 feet tall, but when you're a 3 or 4 foot kid it's a climb. i used whatever nook i could find on this radiator to get my hands on the edge of the top and pull myself up with the little upper body strength i had. before climbing i would imagine what lay up there, so high above me. i wondered if there would be a chair waiting for me or a secret treasure that only i could find, something to reward my efforts because on the ground i was just a dreamer. but if i went higher i would be what happens when dreams come true. i would be happily ever after, i would be a king, i would be content. i climbed up this radiator to get away from wishful gazing, to be off the ground, to be closer to the dream, to be higher. i remember reaching the top and taking a look around. the top was decorated in fall leaves and dirt from other kids' shoes who had climbed before me. i crawled away from the edge to be closer to the heart of the radiator and i sat down. i wasn't disappointed, in fact, i was quite joyful. there was no treasure or chair waiting for me. there was no pat on the back or praise from the radiator or the trees surrounding me. just me breathing in the cool air as i stared into the branches, leaves, nature around and above me. i had done what i set out to do. i had climbed higher and was where i wanted to be. and that was enough. i was content.

2009-05-03T23:16:00.000-04:00

i wonder why i want this so badly.
to feel and be felt. i tell myself
i want to be free from this fire,
my desire, but i go back to it
because i think i need it. maybe
i do. then after i tell myself
i want to be free. i am free.
but i am free from touch in this
touchless world and i want
to go back. but i want to be free
from the touch of my mind.
the illusion of my fantasy.
i need to feel.

when i am done
i sober up and
i see things as
they are
as they should be
but before and during
i am lost in what
could be and what cannot
and i wonder why
i want this so badly.

forgive/forget

2009-05-03T23:13:00.001-04:00

how can i repay,
compensate,
relieve this
burden on
my shoulders.
i walk with a
heavy heart
worried if bad
luck will follow
me until my
debt is paid.
how can i get
up from this
guilt that
will crush me.
will i be overcome
by evil or
overcome by evil.
fire with fire.
because sometimes
all i can see is
the evil in me.
and i feel that
i have ruined everything
for me.
but nothing else matters
except You.
i need You.
i need Your mercy.
i'm forgetting my
forgiveness.
i need Your forgiveness.
i find that i cannot carry
on without it.

trying

2009-05-03T23:11:00.000-04:00

that is all that i am.
i try to live, to love,
to hate evil, to seek
justice. when will
i be? love, seek, live as
i am supposed to.
when will i be human?
to be who i was
created to be.

spare change

2009-04-01T23:23:00.001-04:00

i could spare some change,
to change your circumstances
so you would know that you
are loved.

you could spare some change,
but you don't want to.
stay in your bubble,
justify yourself, all the same.

we have spare change.
only God can change us,
give up our rights,
sacrifice what we call life.

could we spare some change?

this is all in my mind

2009-04-01T11:54:00.000-04:00

you. you beautiful, you sick,
you crying, you healthy, you
laughing, you alive, you dead,
you better, you worse, you
kissing, hugging, loving me.

your scent, your touch, your
porcelain skin, you mouth, your
hips, your spirit, your everything.
i want to kiss your everything.

your image, you beautiful,
i'm with you. we're one.
this is all in my mind.

2009-03-23T18:31:00.000-04:00

i am weary.
i am so sick of being weary
and so weary of being sick.

this sin of mine has blocked,
imprisoned,
killed me.

i am alive, but i am dead.
this sin of mine has killed
what makes me
me.

i find i have no clever remarks,
nothing worthy to say. i have been
reduced to an unoriginal, caged
animal.

i do what i hate. i am dying.
O God, save me!
Have mercy on me!
I desire mercy, not sacrifice.
Your words, not mine.

* * *

I find that sin in me is the death of me.
no longer just right and wrong, but a
darkness that will
do whatever it takes to
cover me, to
hide me, to
make me forget
who i am, to make
me just another patch
in a quilt of black.

where is the light?
show me what i am.
whether i am a conformist,
a plagiarist,
another lost soul.
show me how to be me.
to be original, to be who
i was created to be.
show me, that i may
change.

i want to live!
i want to love!
i want to play
my guitar!
whether i am
on key or off!
i want to feel
joy, depression,
loss, and hope.
i want to taste
the Son.
i want to smell
the earth.
i want to touch
the stars.
to see the things
unseen.
to hear and to
understand.
i want to hold, to
be held, to be let
go, to let go.
i want to be.

2009-03-23T00:46:00.000-04:00

as you get older you have more responsibilities,
more freedom. you can do more.
stay out late, eat what you want, work, buy, exercise,
choose. smoke, drink, sex. all of the above.

more choices = more freedom

there is freedom in less.
there is freedom in not having to do
any of it. having the freedom to say no
i don't want to.

more freedom = harder to say no

m ss ng l tt rs 2

2009-02-22T21:09:00.001-05:00

v w ls r mp rt nt

m ss ng l tt rs 1

2009-02-16T17:46:00.000-05:00

m ss ng l tt rs ar l ke m ss ng t eth
y ur t ng e w ll f ll in the g ps.

all dogs go to heaven

2009-02-16T17:31:00.000-05:00

if only my mistakes could be unmade by an oxy spray

is saying sorry

2009-02-08T16:32:00.000-05:00

really enough? i didn't think you were one of those
who cared what people did with time. maybe you
care about what people do with your time and
i was too selfish to say that that time was yours.

i read poetry the entire time while you spoke
and others spoke about things that i thought
i knew enough about. you approached me
and i didn't see it coming.

all i saw were heels that looked too
old to be worn by my peers. you said
"outside is a nice place to read"
i said "i'm sorry"

you walked away as you said "it's okay,
well it's not okay, but..." and you stopped.
you left me hanging on your words.
i wonder if sorry was enough for you

the feeling of sorry or being sorry
or saying sorry. knowing that i can't
give you back your time or the respect
that i took from you.

all you had to say was "i forgive you"
or "it's okay" and you did, but you
didn't. "...well it's not, but..." doesn't
sit well with me.

and i deserve it. all i am now is sorry
in every way, shape, form and i can't
stop because i didn't hear "forgive"
like a song on repeat i keep repeating

sorry, sorry, sorry until you press the
"forgive" button and all is well with me.

monsters

2009-02-03T16:16:00.000-05:00

live in the mind and in the
dark you seek them.
your hope is in your
blanket and your
nightlight.

as the blanket becomes
foggy and it gets
harder to
breathe.

what will you do?
you must
breathe.

in one
motion.

uncover.

breathe
slowly.

open your eyes
and see
nothing.

get up and wipe off your
sweat and turn on
the light that
reveals.

the light blinds and then you see
the monster beside your bed.
now that you see him
are you not
scared?

freed slave

2008-12-26T23:04:00.000-05:00

freedom. that's what people think of when they think of America.
"I believe in America..." that's the first line to the Godfather.
believing in America means believing in the American dream.
start from scratch and become rich.

but it's not enough. you want your kids to live the dream too.
start from riches and become richer. from generation to
generation, it becomes more about the individual.
it used to be about family.

each generation gets more selfish. looks for its place
in the world. for purpose. so they look to pleasure,
luxuries, and if anything gets in the way of it
they will fight for the freedom to have them.

the freedom to do what you want. to play video games
all day. to eat what you want and when you want and however
much you want. to have sex with whomever you want.
if it doesn't hurt anyone then it's ok.

i wonder if people see what i see.
this freedom that has enslaved us.
why do we smoke, drink, pleasure.
because we can.

i challenge you to stop. why?
because i can and i don't think you
can. try to stop. you'll find yourself
to struggle. as i do.

is this the freedom that our forefathers
dreamed about? it used to be simple.
work hard. love your wife. teach your
children. help your neighbor.

these aren't enough anymore. we are taught
to want more. there has always been a desire
in us for more. this longing to know why you
are here. who created you.

the longing for God is still here. it is filled
with cars, shoes, clothes, money, and other
things. but when you are old and gray and
your lust for women is gone

where will you turn to. retired, living off
your pension, collecting seashells on a
seashore. maybe you'll enjoy it, or you
will realize that you've done nothing with life.

find freedom. it isn't this. whatever this is.
look for freedom and escape the prison
of your mind and spirit. there's more.
there has to be.

2008-11-21T22:38:00.000-05:00

there's a lot i want to say so i need to outline this before i forget.
1. spark plug, engine, journey analogy
2. identity
ok nevermind that wasn't as much as i thought.

on to the spark plug and engine analogy. this actually is from mere Christianity but put into my words and metaphors. c.s. lewis talks about marriage and how most people confuse love with "being in love". i heard hulk hogan in an interview about his divorce and the question was, "do you still love your ex-wife, Linda?" he said, "of course i still love her, but i'm not in love with her." it seems most people find that if you're not in love than it's ok to divorce your spouse. c.s. lewis said it best:

"Now no feeling can be relied on to last in it full intensity, or even to last at all. Knowledge can last, principles can last, habits can last; but feelings come and go. And in fact, whatever people say, the state called 'being in love' usually does not last. If the old fairy-tale ending 'They lived happily ever after' is taken to mean 'They felt for the next fifty years exactly as they felt the day before they were married', then it says what probably never was nor ever would be true, and would be highly undesirable if it were. Who could bear to live in that excitement for even five years? What would become of your work ,your appetite, your sleep, your friendships? But, of course, ceasing to be 'in love' need not mean ceasing to love. Love in second sense--love as distinct from 'being in love'--is not merely a feeling. It is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit; reinforced by (in Christian marriages) the grace which both partners ask, and receive, from God. They can have this love for each other even at those moments when they do not like each other; as you love yourself even when you do not like yourself. They can retain this love even when each would easily, if they allowed themselves, be 'in love' with someone else. 'Being in love' first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. It is on this love that the engine of marriage is run: being in love was the explosion that started it."

and on to my unnecessary analogy because who can follow up c.s. lewis, right? anyway. being in love is the spark that starts the engine. accepting Jesus and surrendering to Him and God's will is the spark that starts it all. the engine keeps running and we drive on, we go on the journey for the long haul. road trip. but so often as christians we try to find that spark again. we want to feel that intensity, that fire, that explosion. but we don't realize that the spark was the beginning and we have to move on. what would happen if you kept trying to spark up your engine? yea that's right you'd die. well you wouldn't die, but your car would. people drain themselves, go into depression ::cough cough::, waste time, and lose faith by trying to do this. i pray that people won't do this and keep on fighting the good fight and following the Lord. i know i did this and it kept me from seeing a lot of things. and this leads me to who i am. it's simple. everyone else probably knows this, but i couldn't see what was in front of me. i am simply a Christian. and i know there are many stereotypes and negative views on that word and what kind of person is associated with that word. i believe that people don't know the full meaning and what that word captures and defines. even Christians don't know or people who claim they are. but that's another entry. and i'm happy right now to just know this.

2008-11-15T18:58:00.001-05:00

i'm on fire. liar liar pants on fire. that kind of fire. and at the same time the fire of passion. lustful kind. this fire has been burning for years and i've never had the guts to put it out afraid of what i would burn on, feed on if there was no more. but i want to put it out. i will, God willing. i need to move beyond this, this mentality, this prison of mine. the freedom people say we have in choosing what is right and wrong for us has become my shackle. this sin in me that burdens me has become heavy and i can't bear it any longer. when this fire has had its fill i feel i can do more. that God has a plan and i'm alright. but soon after the fire returns to burden me and i don't trust God anymore, i don't see anything ahead of me except the heavy load that is on me. i want to look beyond all this. to have faith and trust in all times, good and bad. i want to trust so badly in God. this fire that burns in me isn't the fire that i need. i want true fire that will burn in me a passion that is pure and simple in heart. right now the fire has had its fill and i am a hypocrite because i hate the fire and yet i feed it when i want to feel its warmth. God i'm sorry for it all. i'll face the cold as long as it's with You. and i'll wait for the true fire. send down your spark.

lost

2008-11-13T23:46:00.000-05:00

sorry i couldn't think of any movie title to fit the mood except the word lost which happens to be a tv show, a bad tv show which i think should be canceled anytime now. anyway onwards we go...

i remember growing up in the church and going to my first retreat. it was winter and it was the first time i was away longer than a sleepover, in fact it was a sleepover times 3. i was there for 3 nights or 2, my memory's a bit fuzzy. the important thing is that at that retreat i experienced God for the first time and unfortunately i also experienced my first spiritual high. i only say unfortunately because after that first high you only want more and the only time you look forward to it is at retreats. thus began a long, vicious cycle of dissatisfaction, loneliness, and sin which continues to this day. for the most part i've grown up. i'm in college, i'm on the verge of change as i switch majors and step into new responsiblities as a president of a fellowship. i have a lot on my plate and all i can think of is myself and my problems and how i'm going to do nothing about them.

needless to say i am lost. i used to look for those moments, those times of spiritual high when you feel God's presence and just feel at peace. i used to look for insight, for wisdom that would take all my problems away. i wanted that one moment where my life would change and i would be perfect.

i now know that i cannot be perfect and that Jesus is the solution for that incapability. Jesus is my cornerstone to a strong, healthy, godly life. and i know that having Jesus doesn't mean problems go away, but He'll work with me to overcome them. all i need to do is seek His kingdom, to do His will, to obey, to love. the worst part of me is that i can't, i won't do that. i find myself measuring myself by God's perfect standards and am disappointed when i fall, feeling like i'm going to hell. i feel like i'm making my own hell here on earth. but i can't shake these sins and i wish there was that one moment when everything would be ok. all i feel now is alone. i can't even meet God halfway. my sins have entangled me to the point where i am left looking at these hopeless shackles, wondering if i can be saved.

i see people still looking for those bits of insight, that moment when they fall to their knees and cry and praise God for His goodness and will and plan for them, that moment when their addictions loosen up on them, when answers to problems show up on a silver platter. i admire them because they're seeking something. they're looking. they look to God, they desire what He has to offer. i sit, i read the Word forgetting it after, i pray words wondering if they're heard. i don't look or search for God's will. i haven't desired God in a while, maybe i haven't desired Him at all, all i wanted was a way out of my problems i wanted to use God as that way.

now i'm lost.

2008-10-24T00:46:00.000-04:00

i wonder if this is what people had in mind
back in the day when they realized they
wanted a better future for their children.
maybe they weren't thinking of their children,
just living in their now.
but it saddens me to know that this is the world
that they created, the now we live in.
they didn't know that loneliness would be our
Great Depression. they didn't know that our
World War would be a war against our ourselves.
the world now has cashed in on our loneliness, or
at least the feeling of it. every corner, every ad,
every movie, tv show, book, magazine, and even
people promote security in sexual relationships.
i wish it wasn't so. i wish people knew that they
don't need the girl with the seductive smile on
her lips beckoning you to buy more of the stuff
you don't need. i wish they knew that all "good"
guys aren't as good looking, athletic, or talented
as they should be. i wish that we knew that girls
and guys don't look like all the models in the magazines.
i hope that one day guys won't need to numb their
loneliness by looking at girls on the screen who are
actually worth more than the clothes they take off.
i hope that girls will find what they need in guys, not
what they want.
i wonder if the freedom that Kinsey and Hefner gave
to us was freedom at all. all i see are people who
want more and more distractions to keep them from
facing truth. we have become trapped, shackled by
our desires to compromise. to give to each individual
the right to do whatever they want as long as it
doesn't hurt anyone else.
half of marriages end in divorce, porn as become a
multi-billion dollar industry, teen pregnancies are
higher than they were 50 years ago. since when did
sex become as casual as sharing a drink.
i would like to go back to that time when someone
had the choice, had the voice to decide our future
and tell that person about the world we live in.
i'd ask him if he'd want to live in this world. if
he'd want this children and grandchildren to live
in this world.

2008-09-06T19:42:00.000-04:00

i've been thinking. i am a 3rd year in college. i have one more year. i'm not sad about leaving or anything, i'm worried, pressured about what to do after college. why'd i go to college in the first place, right? aren't you supposed to find what you're supposed to do for the rest of your life in college? ask yourself the same question with more emphasis on "the rest of your life". the rest of my life. i feel that life is too big and too unpredictable and too short to be compressed under a job title. i've been given advice, suggestions from the people that i care about. "you should be a doctor, it matches your personality... your major should be what you want to do and what God wants you to do... just wait for God, you'll be who He wants you to be." so i guess my dilemna isn't that i don't want to be compressed under a job title, it partly is, but mostly it's that i know what i want to do and i'm afraid of failing. my parents believe that i'm in the major i'm in for a reason and i should do my best and i agree. i believe that if i chose english as a major and that would be what i want to do and God could use it for His glory. i believe that i will end up as what God wants me to be. but all this doesn't take my fear away, it just makes me more scared and more pressured to just give up. i just want a purpose, a reason, but maybe this is all beyond me, beyond the fear, the worry, the problems.

vertical limit

2008-08-18T19:29:00.000-04:00

actually i have seen this movie, i think i still have the stub from watching it in the theaters all those years ago. not a great movie, but been collecting ticket stubs ever since so i guess it has a sentimental value. anyway onto the entry...

i've been reading a book called into the wild by jon krakauer. i saw the movie, which was based off the book, with the same name. the movie really spoke a message to me and my spirit. a message that got across to me saying that no matter how successful we are by the world's standards of money, power, and sex we are still dissatisfied and look for more. we look for something greater than what we see around us and something that is greater than us. needless to say, i loved the movie and the book as well and i'm not even done with the book yet. i am in the final 50 pages of the book and i was reading about the author's relation to the inner depths of chris mccandless (the young man of which the book is about) and a few passages caught me and how i've been feeling lately. the passage is taken from the author describing his obsession with climbing a summit called the Devil's Thumb in Alaska and about how he kept failing, but eventually found a way to climb the summit successfully.

"...At dusk I watched, transfixed, as the lights of Petersburg blinked on in the west. The closest thing I'd had to human contact since the airdrop, the distant lights triggered a flood of emotion that caught me off guard. I imagined people watching baseball on television, eating fried chicken in brightly lit kitchens, drinking beer, making love. When I lay down to sleep, I was overcome by a wrenching loneliness. I'd never felt so alone, ever."

"...When I decided to go to Alaska that April, like Chris McCandless, I was a raw youth who mistook passion for insight and acted according to an obscure, gap-ridden logic. I thought climbing the Devils Thumb would fix all that was wrong with my life. In the end, of course, it changed almost nothing. But I came to appreciate that mountains make poor receptacles for dreams. And I lived to tell my tale."

"At that stage of my youth, death remained as abstract a concept non-Euclidean geometry or marriage. I didn't yet appreciate its terrible finality or the havoc it could wreak on those who'd entrusted the deceased with their hearts. I was stirred by the dark mystery of mortality. I couldn't resist stealing up to the edge of doom and peering over the brink. The hint of what was concealed in those shadows terrified me, but I caught sight of something in the glimpse, some forbidden and elemental riddle that was no less compelling than the sweet, hidden petals of a woman's sex.
In my case-- and, I believe, in the case of Chris McCandless--that was a very different thing from wanting to die."

i started feeling this loneliness the author spoke about and when i felt that, i stopped my habitual sin for a week or so. i saw things clearly. i see how futile this world is. then i delved back into sin and i got muddled, saw myself return to my old self. i couldn't take it, so i cried out to God saying i didn't want to go back. and i feel that same loneliness coming back. this void. this need to have everything wrong in my life to be fixed, to be perfect. realizing that everything this world offers is a distraction from reality. the reality being that we're imperfect souls incapable of anything truly good. i want to see the edge of doom, but i know all that i'll find is truth that i already know. the truth being that this world is not it, that eternity lies in the wake. eternity in darkness or eternity in light is our choice. so this is me wanting to come clean. this is me giving up. not to the world. but to God saying i don't know what else to do. and i hope that everyone will experience this. and make it through. i don't know if i'm making it through or not. God, save us because of your great love.

signs

2008-08-11T23:56:00.000-04:00

no. not the movie.

you know when you're at the club or the bar and you see a girl you like. you buy her a drink and introduce yourself. you tell her jokes and charm her until she smiles and gives you her number. you know what i'm talking about? yea well me neither. i pulled that out from a movie called swingers. i'm sure that's how it goes down in hollywood and other hot spots, but it sure doesn't in my life. i had a conversation with my friend while we were having dinner at chick fil a and continued the talk about girls all the way to taco bell to finish off a fast food dinner with more fast food. we talked about signs. about how you know whether a girl likes you or not. well there are tell tale signs like she smiles and laughs at every joke you have or she touches you a lot or she does something nice for you. this may help out a lot of guys, but not me. in christian circles all of the above means absolutely nothing. except for the touching part, that's probably frowned upon. anyway girls that you meet in christian circles do nice things for you like bake a cake for your birthday when everyone forgets, they laugh at your jokes or at least smile because they don't want to make you feel bad, and they always say hi to you no matter what because again they want you to know that yes people care about you. this is all awesome and it's great to be loved, but it's confusing as hell when you like a christian girl and the obvious signs aren't signs anymore. they're the norm. so what signs do you look for that is out of the ordinary, that tells you, "yea, man she digs you. go for it." there's nothing in the Bible that tells you how to date. no manual to tell you how to pick up the signs if there are signs or how to even tell if a girl is flirting or just being nice. we had a whole conversation about it and about situations where you end up in the friend zone and you're just the gay best friend who's not really gay, but still goes shopping with her and tells her she looks good in those jeans. what happened. i'm just venting sad to say. and even sadder nothing insightful is in this entry. it's just me surrendering saying that i don't know anything about girls or how to tell one you like her. of course this will just end up with me admitting my fear of rejection. and that's what it is. fear. even if i knew the signs it wouldn't make it easier to tell her. it's hard. rejection. can't be worse than shopping, right.

2008-08-11T15:47:00.000-04:00

It's a humid summer night. One of those nights when you can taste the air. The trees stand still as they struggle to take in the thick air and behind them is a playground. Cigarette butts and discarded dimebags litter the mulch laying beneath the playground made of recycled material as if to say, "Thank you, Earth for giving us the trees and mulch. Here's something that can't decompose or become part of you again. It's for the kids."
A cigarette glows in the dark. Another cigarette lights up as two figures emerge.
One is seated on the bench overlooking the playground. One is sitting across from the bench on the slide.
The one sitting on the slide stands up as he sees a firefly light up and he takes a drag and blows a draft disturbing its flight.

Sam: "It's sticky as hell. Freakin' mosquitos."
Wes looks at Sam.
Sam slaps his left arm with his cigarette in his mouth.
"Got you, you bastard."
Wes squints his eyes condescendingly at Sam and takes another drag.
Wes: So, yesterday Jane got in a fight with her parents. Like a big fight. She said her parents said that she wasn't their daughter and I guess she felt...
Sam: Disowned?
Wes: Yeah, i guess. it was pretty messed up. So she calls me and i tell her to calm down and she says she needs to get out of the house. So i say ok i'll be there.
Sam: But you don't have a car.
Wes: ...So, i call Ryan, right? ::Sam laughs:: And i ask him for a favor and he says yea. He picks me up and we go to her house. She comes out and i get in the back of the car with her. She's crying and i don't know what to do. so i just hold her and say everything's going to be alright.
So Ryan drops us off at my place...
Sam: wait, she slept over?
Wes: yea.
Sam: where'd she sleep?
Wes: in my room.
Sam: where'd you sleep?
Wes: in my room.
Sam: Ohhh, i see. so you guys slept together. in the same bed together.
Wes: yea... so i locked my door. and we...
Sam: played monopoly? ::Sam laughs::
Wes laughs: so we're lying on my bed and she's cold. i put the blanket over her. and she comes in closer...
Sam: sex?
Wes: yes, but with my mouth.
Sam: huh? ooooh. awww. ok enough.
Wes: yea.
Sam and Wes take a drag. Sam looks at his cigarette.
Sam: i'm never sharing a cigarette with you again.
Wes: ::laughs::
Headlights shine through the trees. Wes picks up his phone.
Wes: Let's go.
They both flick their cigarettes on the mulch. the cigarettes glow in the night as they walk away. the headlights disappear as the cigarettes burn out.

her

2008-08-05T18:01:00.000-04:00

hey i have something to tell you
umm. i uh ... screw it
i think you're the most awesome
person i've ever met.

i know that you don't feel the
same way that i feel about you
and i can't say that i can picture
you and me together.

i'm sure you can do better
than me. whatever i am.
when i think about love
and its application i think

of you. not in a sensual way,
but in the purest way i can.
love is not about just me and you.
it's about God, me, and everyone

we know. so it's selfish of me.
because i just want you and me
to be. i've always thought you
were great. and back then

i was naive thinking that any girl
that talked to me for more than
5 minutes liked me. i know different
now.

i know that you were just being yourself.
you treat everyone the same. you love
everyone. and i hope that things work
out with that guy who likes you so much.

i always saw you two hanging out and
never thought much about it because
i was too engulfed by my lust and pride.
now that i can see a little clearer

i see everything i've missed out on.
and i'll keep all this with me, because
i don't want to ruin any good thing that
might happen between you two.

i know this all sounds stupid and
unexpected and completely random.
i feel a little dumb writing this.
i just needed to let it out.

and last of all i'm sorry for this
if it made you feel weird and
awkward. and yea. i'm just going
to go. have a good life.

love actually

2008-07-22T21:46:00.000-04:00

i actually have not seen the movie, love actually, yet. i should though since the dvd is in my house. i'll get around to it one day, but for now another insightful entry by yours, truly.

today was routine for me. i woke up and heard my uncle painting the walls. he's been doing it for the past few weeks and it's become routine for me to wake up, walk the dog, try to go back to sleep, get up, read the Word, and turn on my laptop. everything was going according to plan until... i fell. i didn't literally fall. i fell as in i sinned. sin, to the world, isn't a serious a word as it should be. due to the reputation of Christians especially those to the far right, the televangelists, the people with picket signs saying "the end is near" sin has become sort of a long, lost, mythical word that used to be used by primitive people when they thought they angered "God". but to me and a lot of other people sin simply means that we fell short of the way God had planned us to live. yes there is a God and not a "God". He's real, whether if you believe or don't believe is a concern of mine and if you'd like to know more be free to ask. i sinned. i didn't meet God's standards. thank God for Jesus, but i still felt horrible. i felt wrong and dirty. i felt stressed. so stressed that i consumed a store bought Uno's pizza by myself, leaving me feeling dirty and fat. i felt depressed to say the least. i should've accepted my mom's offer to go eat jja jjang myun (noodles in black bean sauce) and i shouldn't have eaten that pizza, but what i really wished was that i could go back in time and not sin. but none of those things happened. i sinned, i felt bad, and we were out of bottled water. so i volunteered to go get water and other things that my mom required. i went out because i wanted some time alone. funny as it sounds, i was alone the whole day besides my uncle in the morning. you think i wanted some noise in the house, but i just wanted to wallow in my guilt and feel sorry for myself. as i was driving home i was wondering about love. how commercialized it was. how no one could possibly know the real definition. to find out you probably had to go back in time and ask someone in the beginning. or ask God himself. as i was getting out of the car i carried the 24 pack of water and sesame oil up the stairs to the door, i fumbled for my keys and put the water against the door and me hoping someone would open the door. no one did. and me feeling depressed found the key and opened the door and i realized that i could handle it. if i had one arm my parents would've been waiting for me to get home to help me, but they weren't because i could handle it. out of a random notion i found that God doesn't give us a load heavier than we can carry. i could've fought that temptation and won, but i didn't, i chose to give up. i walked upstairs and began reading the second to last chapter of Where Is God When It Hurts? by Philip Yancey and the last page struck me. God answered my question of what love really was.

"This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers. If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him? Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth."
1st John 3:16-18

Sacrifice is what i get from those words. i just pray that God is my strength and He uses my weaknesses. In Jesus' name. Amen.

the cable guy

2008-07-09T17:48:00.000-04:00

again, no this isn't about that movie. i've never seen it actually, but i hear good things. anyway the tv upstairs wasn't working and i called cox and they sent a cable guy pronto because that's how i roll. i own cox. that sounded terrible. and cox sent the cable guy the next day which was today, but i digress. i was having a talk with my bro, kevin and we always have cool conversations about God and life. we were talking about fasting and cookies and freaks and geeks. earlier we talked about how God works in our lives through people and how great He really is so i should've expected what happened today. i was almost done with another episode of freaks and geeks until the doorbell rang and my dog started yapping. i answered with the dog in my arms and it turns out to be an asian dude. the first thing i notice is his tattoo, i tell him i gotta put the dog away so i put him in my room. i get back to the cable guy, point out the problem with the cable box, and he asks me if i'm korean. i say yea. and the most interesting convo i've ever had with a stranger ensues. i'll probably fill in the details later, but i was blessed in a way and also struck with fear. the dude's name was paul and i know God sent him here for something. other than fixing my cable. but for now i must run.

::update::
he asked me if i was korean and i say yea. i ask him and he says hes korean too. cool, i thought, but not uncommon. he asks if the tv downstairs in the basement works and i say my dad was watching it but it stopped working. so we go downstairs and the tv is fine. it works. he points to my guitar and asks if i play. i say i dabble. he looks at the song i'm trying to learn: bold as love. jimi hendrix? he asks. tough song i say, its real hard, i can't really play it. we go back upstairs and i ask him if he wants anything to drink. he says anything cold, so i get a bottle of water. he says thanks and goes on talking about his guitar and how it's tough to play. the sounds, the tone, its hard, man, he says. that's all i did for 6 months, everyday i'd rip movies and try to learn some riffs and pentatonics. i say that's good, pentatonics are all you need to solo. he goes back to his van to get something. i stay busy coiling up the vacuum cord. he comes back with another cable box and a small laptop. he sets it up and i wait. your parents hardcore christians? he asks pointing to the cross on my couch. my uncle was painting the living room and everything had to be taken down from the walls. the wooden cross was sitting up on the couch in front of the tv. i say yea we're christians. i ask him, what about you. he chuckles and says his parents aren't christians, well they don't follow the path of Christ, but they go to church. i say yea thats the story with a lot of koreans around here. we go into this conversation about koreans and the church. he says I don't believe in the church. i mean i believe in Christ, i'm a Christian, but the church is a man made thing. i notice some profanities as he speaks, but i don't mind. maybe he's just passionate about what he believes. we talk about the youth. he mentions jama, a christian conference up in pennsylvania. i say i heard of it. my friend went to volunteer for it. well it turns out so did he. his aunt and uncle were pastors up there and his cousin was a youth pastor and he went to help him out. he talks about how the kids don't know what's going on. that the same message is spoken about how you're all worthless and you're no good and Jesus died for you. i agree and say i grew up in the church and as a kid when people tell you you're a sinner and Jesus died for you, you don't know what it means. he agrees completely. he talks about how he told his kids in his group at jama to not listen to a certain speaker, that it was bs. he goes into how we need to teach kids how to live. how to fight, how to deal in certain situations. i disagree with some of the things he says, but i don't say it. he talks about how he met a pastor and how he turned out to be the son of the guy who runs jama. he talks about how the pastor he met requested prayer on the same topics that he spoke to the pastor about, the same things he was talking to me about. i say that's God working. he says yea, man. he finishes with the cable. the tv works now. i walk him out and he introduces himself, paul. i'm ryan, i say. nice to meet you man. i say i'll see you around, God bless. he says bye, he doesn't say God bless back.

i realize that God wanted that conversation to happen. i saw that cross on the couch the day before. and i had an urge to put it somewhere else because it was just taking space on the couch. but i didn't. i left it right where it was. that conversation happened because God wanted it to. maybe i'll see paul again, or maybe that conversation was enough for him to start something else. maybe God wanted me to love my neighbor. maybe God wanted me to learn something. i don't have answers. i have questions. why is the most frequent question on my mind. i realize that everything is part of a bigger picture. it's all part of the plan. i used to come up with false revelations to make myself feel better, by answering questions i had that i felt God wouldn't answer. now i'm ok with not having answers. i'm fine knowing that God is in control. i know God will let me know when He wants me to and that i can't make myself grow more than i can make a plant grow. i can say that God is humbling me, that God wants me to love more, that God wants me to do this and that. but God has spoken. God will just us remind us if we forget. if you look in the Bible God didn't give out revelations like they were free samples. also people didn't change overnight. i've struggled with this. telling myself that this was what God was trying to say, all these little nuggets of "wisdom". i'm just waking up to everything around me. God wants me to love Him, love people. and in doing that i know one day i'll look back wondering how i got to that point, how i've changed. but we all have the choice, for better or for worse. hard or easy. right or wrong. i'll look at the cross. that helps.

realize

2008-07-08T18:22:00.000-04:00

no this isn't about colbie caillat's song, but yes she is very pretty and talented. anyway if you just realized what i just realized... just kidding.
i realized that i'm a loser. not a loser in the typical sense. i mean i am a loser in the sense of unathletic, doesn't try hard enough, wastes time, feels sorry for himself sometimes, doesn't have a girlfriend, whose highlight of the summer will be watching The Dark Knight in Imax and then some. i am a loser on the outside, but i am a loser on the inside. the outer loser doesn't care. the inner loser cares about becoming nothing. i don't want to die on the inside. but i am. my sins are catching up with me. these past few years are catching up with me. i'm only getting older. and i have no direction. i'll pray. for forgiveness and then some. but i will keep praying. and waiting. but i am anxious. patience is hard to attain for me. the years i've wasted, doing nothing, self-pity, passiveness, what do i do to get out. to escape the cycle. i'm scared of not knowing what to do after breaking out. maybe that's why i keep sinning even though i don't want to or need to. gotta take risks don't i? depend on God. let's do it.

colorquiz.com

2008-07-07T00:59:00.000-04:00

Ryan's Existing Situation

Is seeking a solution to existing problems or anxieties, but is liable to find it difficult to decide on a right course to follow.

Ryan's Stress Sources

Wishes to be independent, unhampered, and free from any limitation or restriction, other than those which he imposes of himself or by his own choice and decision.

Ryan's Restrained Characteristics

Egocentric and therefore quick to take offense. Able to obtain physical satisfaction from sexual activity but tends to hold aloof emotionally.

Ryan's Desired Objective

Strives for a life rich in activity and experience, and for a close bond offering sexual and emotional fulfillment.

Ryan's Actual Problem

Fights against restriction or limitation, and insists on developing freely as a result of his own efforts.

i took this for fun, but was surprised and freaked out by the accurate tellings. i don't know what to think of this. i feel kind of sad, really. haha. but God is here, so i got no worries.

failure

2008-07-03T16:47:00.001-04:00

i've always been afraid of failure.
failure at being cool. at athletics.
at being good looking. these were
all superficial and i don't really
care much about them as i used to.

but now i find myself scared to fail
at life. at love. at being a person.
God i am scared to death. i'm scared
to die for love, for hope, for this faith
that millions have died for.

i am so scared that i have limited myself
to things that i can do without much effort.
and when i fail i just say i wasn't trying.
that i'll do better next time. that i'll soak in
more information about this and that

and next time. next time i'll be ready.
i'll be so strong and courageous and
perfect. but i'm never stronger.
i am full of fear. flawed. i don't try
my best for fear that my best won't
be enough. even though i know
my best can never be enough.

my self-pity is the worst. when i feel
sorry for myself, i am already defeated.
i don't even try at all. i don't even hope
for anything to come rescue me because
i know that nothing will. because the one
in the way is me. i am afraid to let in
the pain, the suffering that accompanies
failure.

but i have to. i have to let failure and its
friends destroy me, shake me, break me
so that i can be molded into something
better. someone stronger. God i feel
weaker than ever. i am scared more
than ever. but i know that this is
necessary. that i need this more than
anything else right now.

my only hope is that i do what is right.
that i won't sin despite pain. that i won't
fall however weak i get. i hope i fight
the easy way out which is no way out
at all. facing failure is the only escape
from myself. and when i escape i will
see Your face realizing that You were
here all along.

porn

2008-07-01T21:59:00.000-04:00

i don't know what i was thinking. i really wonder if i even know what love is or if i actually like a girl for who she is and not who she is in my fantasies. for me i daydream and fantasize a lot before i fall asleep. i think of marriage. i don't think of white dresses, doves, or anything like that. i think about being with someone and enjoying just being close. like every other man my thoughts get the best of me and they go towards thoughts that i'm not proud of, but i imagine what it would be like to actually be with someone that enjoys being with you. no awkwardness, no fidgeting, and no galloping towards each other in a field with that cliche love music in the background. just me and her holding each other up. i think about the physicality of it all. and the emotional security that that physicality provides in someone. then i realize that this isn't what i'm supposed to be doing. i realize that this is porn. this is porn in my mind. i'm just getting my hopes up. yes porn is porn in the real world with all its graphic depictions, and that is something i will get over God willing, but this porn in my mind is something entirely different and yet it isn't really. to the core i'm just stimulating my desires even more with these thoughts. emotionally and spiritually i am ruining myself with these fantasies. and i know i need to stop. i want to. it's not as easy as i would like it. but without my physical, emotional, or spiritual states in the right. i, as a person, am failing. i am missing God's big picture. i am dying. God is smart. smarter than i know and more real than i lead myself to believe. so i give up. i give it all up. all my burdens and my heavy load. i hope for healing and for rest. God just say the Word and i'll be healed.

gold rings

2008-06-23T13:05:00.000-04:00

my mother would take off her ring sometimes to wear other ones.
my father never took off his ring. it stayed on his left ring finger.
when i was a kid i'd wonder if it was uncomfortable to have on
all the time. i wasn't sure if i could take the burden of wearing
a ring like that all day, everday, forever. but my father did.
he does. he continues after 20 years.

i'm curious to see if i'll have what it takes to be like him.
to wear that ring. to other women it means that a man
is taken. to other men it means that a man's life is over.
to a lot of people it doesn't mean as much as it did when
they wore it that first day of marriage. to me it means
forever. from beginning to no end.

and for everyone who wears the ring it should mean
that they wear it willingly. that they love nothing more
than to bear this burden of wearing this ring that means
much more than "taken", "life over", and "first time."
that ring means you're me and i'm you. we were two
people when we met and now we're one.

Burn

2008-05-27T21:59:00.001-04:00

Remember that lonely summer

when you seared your skin

trying to pick up that frozen

piece of pepperoni on the hot

coil? You ate that pepperoni

and now it’s a part of you. The

burn also became a part of you

and left a lasting impression

on your wrist. A scar.

Remember when she called almost

every day. Remember how she asked

you to take her to her prom and you

took her doing your best to keep

your hips to the beat.

Remember the day when she was

packing up, leaving for college

and all you could do was hug her

and say goodbye.

Remember the disappointed look on

her face when you wished her good

luck at college and left her standing

in her driveway. That summer

ended when she and her

boyfriend posted pictures of

their good times online.

All you got from that summer

was a lasting impression, a scar.

going green

2008-05-23T12:46:00.000-04:00

Thanks Al Gore for opening up my eyes.
I knew too much of anything was bad, but
carbon dioxide really takes the cake.

Global warming is all the buzz and if
everything happens according to plan
we won't have much of a planet left.

It's a good thing we have 8 other planets
or else, man, we'd be screwed. Oh wait,
those planets aren't habitable.

I wonder what the other countries
are doing to stop global warming.
I've got a few bright American ideas of my own.

I guess we all gotta go green.
Stop cutting down trees, stop using
gasoline, and stop making babies.

I just hope it isn't too late or else
we'd just have to stop breathing.
It's time to give back to the planet

that's been so giving. But then again
this could be the beginning of the end
and who knows when Jesus is coming back.

Maybe we'll all start over again. Live in caves
like way back when, and hunt for our food,
the only difference is that we'd leave better

cave drawings. Or we could all build a giant boat,
put all the animals in and God will make it rain for a
while, and when we come out the other side

everything will be better than before. Or
we can just do what the rest of the world
is doing and start consuming a little less.

everywhere

2008-05-23T12:06:00.000-04:00

"it's the same thing every week."
"yea i hear you." i said as i just walked out of an intense prayer and worship time. i cried, i prayed, i walked out to go to the bathroom to find my old church friends waiting around. i said hi and asked how they were doing. "fine," they said. the question to the first line went something like this, "so, do you go out to the fellowship at your colleges?" "no." and the first line was the reasoning. after all that praying and crying i went through. i sobered real quickly. was it the same every week? what i felt in worship was real. i guess they meant that it was just the same thing. Jesus. Jesus this and Jesus that. we grew up in the same church. maybe they had enough or they got the point.
"uh oh we got another crier." as a girl walked out of worship to go to the bathroom. i knew her and i knew that Jesus was working in her. i couldn't help but sit there and take in the cynicism.
"i never cry. i tried to cry in worship and stuff, but i couldn't."
"some people cry and some don't," was the best reply i could come up with.
was Jesus something or someone that we could get sick of. had people had enough of Him. i heard a message this past week which the main point of it was to invite Jesus in everything we did. i know i don't do that. maybe that's a big thing that we're not doing. what do i have to lose. Jesus, i cordially invite You to my life.

break

2008-03-18T23:36:00.000-04:00

what will break me? i wonder.
i feel lonely. i feel beyond the reach
of Jesus. i find comfort that vanishes
as soon as it appears. the girls on the screen
don't know me, but they know how to use
what they've been given.

i want to stop this vicious cycle. this cycle
of abuse, depression, conviction, and recession.
i want to love. in the purest of ways. i want
to love. i want to know how it feels to give it
and receive it. but i'm afraid i'm too numb.

i will keep hoping that i will quit. i always say
"next time." and i wonder, "if not now when?"
i know the time is now. i know that after every
time i sink into loneliness again. i hope that one of
these days instead turning full circle into abuse
i will straighten out into redemption.

one waterfalls

2008-01-31T20:27:00.000-05:00

there were 3 water falls
each one had a distinct character to it
one had misty -almost like vapor- water floating down
one had beautiful blue water pounding the rocks below
the last had thick crystal clear water pure as snow trickling down

each waterfall was different and beautiful in its own way
each waterfall flowed down a different way
but each waterfall flowed into the same pool
the same pool where all men came to drink its living water

2008-01-06T23:36:00.001-05:00

i take advantage. i take advantage of God's forgiveness. in taking advantage i find myself sinning over and over and over not realizing what sin really is. sin is ugly. it's more than ugly. it's the worst thing imaginable. and why do i keep on sinning? besides my sinful nature i think after a cycle of sin has taken place and forgiveness is asked from God over and over, sin loses its sinfulness to us. i find that when my sin is exposed for the world to see i can feel the weight of the sin. the shame and embarassment of it. the regret and guilt of it. the feeling you have when you are caught. the unforgiving hearts of people. then i turn to God and realize that the definition of sin has not changed in His eyes. i am even worse off because in God's eyes sin is even more of an abomination to Him than it is to the world. i am put to more shame, more embarrassment, more guilt, and more regret. the difference is that God will forgive and forget every time because of Jesus. He is that good.