Burn

Remember that lonely summer

when you seared your skin

trying to pick up that frozen

piece of pepperoni on the hot

coil? You ate that pepperoni

and now it’s a part of you. The

burn also became a part of you

and left a lasting impression

on your wrist. A scar.

Remember when she called almost

every day. Remember how she asked

you to take her to her prom and you

took her doing your best to keep

your hips to the beat.

Remember the day when she was

packing up, leaving for college

and all you could do was hug her

and say goodbye.

Remember the disappointed look on

her face when you wished her good

luck at college and left her standing

in her driveway. That summer

ended when she and her

boyfriend posted pictures of

their good times online.

All you got from that summer

was a lasting impression, a scar.

going green

Thanks Al Gore for opening up my eyes.
I knew too much of anything was bad, but
carbon dioxide really takes the cake.

Global warming is all the buzz and if
everything happens according to plan
we won't have much of a planet left.

It's a good thing we have 8 other planets
or else, man, we'd be screwed. Oh wait,
those planets aren't habitable.

I wonder what the other countries
are doing to stop global warming.
I've got a few bright American ideas of my own.

I guess we all gotta go green.
Stop cutting down trees, stop using
gasoline, and stop making babies.

I just hope it isn't too late or else
we'd just have to stop breathing.
It's time to give back to the planet

that's been so giving. But then again
this could be the beginning of the end
and who knows when Jesus is coming back.

Maybe we'll all start over again. Live in caves
like way back when, and hunt for our food,
the only difference is that we'd leave better

cave drawings. Or we could all build a giant boat,
put all the animals in and God will make it rain for a
while, and when we come out the other side

everything will be better than before. Or
we can just do what the rest of the world
is doing and start consuming a little less.

everywhere

"it's the same thing every week."
"yea i hear you." i said as i just walked out of an intense prayer and worship time. i cried, i prayed, i walked out to go to the bathroom to find my old church friends waiting around. i said hi and asked how they were doing. "fine," they said. the question to the first line went something like this, "so, do you go out to the fellowship at your colleges?" "no." and the first line was the reasoning. after all that praying and crying i went through. i sobered real quickly. was it the same every week? what i felt in worship was real. i guess they meant that it was just the same thing. Jesus. Jesus this and Jesus that. we grew up in the same church. maybe they had enough or they got the point.
"uh oh we got another crier." as a girl walked out of worship to go to the bathroom. i knew her and i knew that Jesus was working in her. i couldn't help but sit there and take in the cynicism.
"i never cry. i tried to cry in worship and stuff, but i couldn't."
"some people cry and some don't," was the best reply i could come up with.
was Jesus something or someone that we could get sick of. had people had enough of Him. i heard a message this past week which the main point of it was to invite Jesus in everything we did. i know i don't do that. maybe that's a big thing that we're not doing. what do i have to lose. Jesus, i cordially invite You to my life.

break

what will break me? i wonder.
i feel lonely. i feel beyond the reach
of Jesus. i find comfort that vanishes
as soon as it appears. the girls on the screen
don't know me, but they know how to use
what they've been given.

i want to stop this vicious cycle. this cycle
of abuse, depression, conviction, and recession.
i want to love. in the purest of ways. i want
to love. i want to know how it feels to give it
and receive it. but i'm afraid i'm too numb.

i will keep hoping that i will quit. i always say
"next time." and i wonder, "if not now when?"
i know the time is now. i know that after every
time i sink into loneliness again. i hope that one of
these days instead turning full circle into abuse
i will straighten out into redemption.

one waterfalls

there were 3 water falls
each one had a distinct character to it
one had misty -almost like vapor- water floating down
one had beautiful blue water pounding the rocks below
the last had thick crystal clear water pure as snow trickling down

each waterfall was different and beautiful in its own way
each waterfall flowed down a different way
but each waterfall flowed into the same pool
the same pool where all men came to drink its living water

i take advantage. i take advantage of God's forgiveness. in taking advantage i find myself sinning over and over and over not realizing what sin really is. sin is ugly. it's more than ugly. it's the worst thing imaginable. and why do i keep on sinning? besides my sinful nature i think after a cycle of sin has taken place and forgiveness is asked from God over and over, sin loses its sinfulness to us. i find that when my sin is exposed for the world to see i can feel the weight of the sin. the shame and embarassment of it. the regret and guilt of it. the feeling you have when you are caught. the unforgiving hearts of people. then i turn to God and realize that the definition of sin has not changed in His eyes. i am even worse off because in God's eyes sin is even more of an abomination to Him than it is to the world. i am put to more shame, more embarrassment, more guilt, and more regret. the difference is that God will forgive and forget every time because of Jesus. He is that good.

i've been sick for the past few days. i hate being sick. i hate that tickling feeling in the back of your throat when you breathe in the cold air around you realizing that maybe you should've slept with your clothes on that night. the worst feeling is when you try to deny that you're sick and tell yourself that maybe you caught one of those 24 hour colds that'll go away as easy as you caught it. it's rare though. my head is congested. all i taste is mucus going down my throat. i'm more tired than usual and all i want is to feel better. still hasn't happened yet. i wonder why i get sick sometimes. sometimes i think it's punishment for a sin i committed. sometimes i think it's because i slept in my underwear with only a blanket to cover me from the frosty air that encompasses my room. i've been wondering a lot about whether things happen for a reason or if it's all just coincidence and consequence. then i wonder maybe my sin has effected me in a way that i felt i had to sleep in my underwear to catch this cold. maybe it's subconscious self-punishment. maybe it's God.

when you're sick you don't feel like doing anything except eat of course. i've been meaning to work out, but due to my condition i feel dizzy from the blood rushing to my head when i'm doing handstand pushups. i could suck it up and do some pushups, but why punish myself further? i'm already sick. i bum around my house looking for something to do. after finishing The Lovely Bones i'm looking for more to read. my return to literature is exciting, but reading such an achievement as The Lovely Bones for my first book back wasn't as good an idea as i thought. my passion to read is there, but i'm afraid as i read more and more books i might be disapointed as each book will fail to rise up to what The Lovely Bones was. i want to read The Godfather next.

i'm on the computer a lot these days. scratch that. i'm on the computer a lot. i always sign onto instant messenger and look to see if anyone cares enough to say hi. i end up signing off an hour after i realize that no one does. this day i get imed by Cody. Cody is a girl that i go to school with. we went to the same high school and attend the same university as it happens. in high school me and my friends used to make fun of her outer appearance and mannerisms which happened to lremind people of a penguin. she used to tell us to shut up with a giggle and glitter in her eye that said she didn't really care if she did look like a penguin. a penguin doll in her car seemed to prove her pleasant indifference. it seems that after joining the corps in college has changed her and now instead of laughing along she gives us the finger or doesn't laugh at all. i guess she started caring. i don't see the penguin in her car anymore. she tells me that she wants to eat pho. pho is a vietnamese food, noodles in some kind of msg infused broth served with your choice of meat. i'm not that big a fan of pho, but due to my condition i welcome the hot, flavorful broth this day. she picks me up and we're on our way to the pho house. i order pho tai which is served with raw meat that is cooked in the broth as it is being served and eaten. Cody gets the same thing. we eat and we don't say much. the rare times we do open our mouths is to slurp in the steaming noodles or drink the broth. the times we open our mouths to talk is to talk about parenting. we see a kid eating pho while listening to his ipod at the same time, i wouldn't have a problem with it, but his dad is right across him eating too. i don't know about other families, but in mine my dad would rip the earphones out of my ears and make me listen to him talk instead of whatever rock anthem i was listening to.
"Man, my dad would slap me if i was listening to music while eating," i say.
"Yea, it's just disrespectful. That's the thing with kids these days, they don't listen to their parents." Cody says.
"What do you mean?" i ask.
"Like, they don't listen to their parents at all."
"What. Like... give me an example."
"Well, i'm not going to tell you their name and say they did this and that."
"No, i mean like a general example like of people you've seen or something."
"Well, they don't listen. Like they don't care. They ignore their parents."
"I see. Man i would beat down my kid if he did that. Well if i had kids i'd have to rule with an iron fist, you know?"
she laughs.
"I would instill fear into them. My dad used to lecture me and took me and my sister into a room to lecture us. He'd drag my sister into the room and she'd start crying before she got into it. If i cried, he'd remind me i was a man."
she laughs.
"Yea, my parents stopped with the spanking early on, but man one day my brother and his friends got caught skipping school and going to the mall. Well, they skipped school and they got caught stealing clothes at the mall. My dad got all of them on their knees and just beat the crap out of them. I wish i'd seen it." she says with a cynicism in her eyes.
i drink the rest of my water which is trapped between the ices and the lemon in the glass. i tip the glass almost vertically as the ice crashes down my face.

we pay our check and leave to get some bubbletea. bubbletea is a frozen or liquid drink that is served with tapioca balls at the bottom ("bubbles") that you slurp up through a huge straw. it comes in a variety of flavors. green tea, black tea, mango, strawberry, coconut vanilla. i liked the sound of the last one. a tropical flavor mixed with a traditional vanilla appealed to my senses. i'm told that they don't have that flavor. i get green tea bubbletea by default. i'm not disapointed. i call wes to see if he wants bubbletea. i ask out of politeness. taking advantage wes says he would like a bubbletea. i ask him what kind he wants. he trusts me to choose for him. i decide on a red bean bubbletea. knowing wes i know he likes things out of the ordinary. i would even go far enough to call him an anti-bandwagoner. while i listened to fall out boy and thrice he listened to the pietasters and dispatch. the difference between punk rock and ska or the difference between boring music and good music as he'd say. one time he called me boring for ordering a pho tai while he ordered pho with-every-meat-that-you-have-in-it. cody calls winnie to see if she wants to join us for bubbletea. winnie is a smart girl who used to believe in God. i'm not sure what happened to make her disbelieve. maybe she decided that smoking and partying was something that God didn't agree with while she did. winnie shows up as i'm finishing up my bubbletea. she gets a vanilla frozen yogurt. she takes small bites to ease in the cold. i slurp away at my frozen mix realizing that i drank down all the bubbles.

winnie and cody converse about their drunken escapades. i don't drink or party so i listen with curiosity trying to join in the conversation with a few comments to get some laughs. everytime i try to say something i'm cut off and ignored as winnie and cody converse back and forth.
"Dude, i passed out." winnie says.
"Haha, i stayed up the whole night." cody says.
"Oh my gosh. what did you do?" winnie asks.
"What did i do? i played beer pong, then i went out for a smoke a few times, and watched people sing. that's it."
"No. that sounds fishy. i mean you couldn't have done just that and stayed up the whole night. did you like just stare at a wall for 3 hours?"
"Basically."
"Haha. that does sound fishy." i say trying to contribute to the conversation.
they continue on with their conversation until we realize that it's almost 5 and that wes's break ended at 5. that and the way the bubbletea was melting and was on the verge of overflowing. the bubbles were probably frozen. we left to get to the ruby tuesday's before it was too late.

i sit in the back while cody and winnie continue their conversation in the front.
"Dude when i woke up i was looking for you for like 15 minutes and you were right in front of me." winnie laughs.
"Oh yea." cody laughs along.
They keep talking and laughing while i drown out the noise losing myself in my thoughts. i realize that as much as i try i won't contribute to the conversation or even relate to their lives. as much as i love my friends and enjoy spending time with them i will be shut out. not because they hate me or because they want to make me feel bad. we're different. they enjoy laughing about how much they drank and how much they don't remember about a certain night. i find myself laughing along with them as well. why? i don't agree with partying. i find it a bit silly and a waste of time. i don't mean to judge, but unintentionally i find myself doing the exact opposite. why do they find drinking until you pass out fun? why don't i? why don't i drink? is it really because i find it a waste of time? everyone else does it and finds it a great way to spend their weekend. is it because i'm a Christian? i've got my own problems and my own sins that i wish i didn't have and i guess i don't want to add drinking to the list? i find that i am a stranger to these friends in ways that i haven't thought of before. i am just realizing that the sin that i've been stuck for the past 7 years is truly and utterly dispicable. i hope i realize how sinful sin really is. and i hope that's it's not too late. for me or for them.