post op

whats up to all my loyal followers out there. basically sam and maybe wes if i'm lucky. i don't think i have very many people that read this blog. i hear tumblr is all the rage; wordpress might even be a better choice; hell xanga might even make a comeback. but anyway i got back from the doctor's today after having surgery this past tuesday and things are looking up...

for a while, actually maybe a little bit even now, i felt that God just didn't care. i had this disc herniation for a long time as my doctor implied today, to which i neither confirmed or denied due to insurance purposes, but i've had it for a long time and with it, i've had doubts.

i had doubts about whether God loved me and i had doubts about my own salvation and after all the bitching and the moaning about my back and not being able to work out, i did see some bright spots. these may not seem like bright spots, but areas that had light shed on them by God's grace, which humbled me. i realized i put a lot of emphasis on my physical appearance and took a lot of pride in the way people saw me. after working out and gaining some muscle, i felt untouchable and very cocky, so i believe that this injury humbled me. God broke that idol of pride and self-image i had been worshiping. but i continued to worship it because i refused to acknowledge the God who loved me and died for me. my depraved heart still desired to worship the false hope of getting better and going back to my idolatrous ways. i was a mess. i tried to find joy in lust, in a relationship, in anything but what i truly needed: the Gospel.

it wasn't what i needed, it was Who i needed. i needed Jesus and i still need Him and will always need Him. i distanced myself from Him because i associated Him with emotion, with happiness, but i never felt that way and i wouldn't for a long time. i didn't want to set myself up for disappointment as if i could truly be disappointed with the Almighty Father. but that's what i did. i distanced myself, i needed to seek Him, and i tried to, but i gave up easily because what i wanted wasn't going to come easy.

after the surgery, i realize that i need Him and there is nothing else. whatever i end up doing or whether i make a full recovery or not, i need to worship Him because He has been good to me. He died for me, He loved me, and i want to rejoice. so this is my post op repentance of sorts, i just pray that it will be a repentance of action and not of words. thanks for all who have prayed for me. God bless you. God bless you who desire to know Him and God bless those who don't, may He mercifully open your eyes.

idolatry

forgive me, Lord. i thought that by believing in the rightness of doctrine that i was safe.

so instead of lovingly correcting or pointing out mistakes for Your sake and the sake of Your Church, i took joy in ridiculing those who were wrong.

i forgot, i refused to believe that the Scriptures pointed to You. instead of rejoicing in the person of Jesus Christ, i rejoiced in my knowledge. instead of loving my brothers and sisters, i judged them as inferior. instead of praying that they would turn to You and do everything for Your glory, i delighted in their mistakes, in the lack of insight because i was lacking. i was missing.

i replaced You with words on a page. i replaced You with knowledge. i replaced the joy of my salvation for vainglory. i'm sorry. please, forgive me. there is You and only You matter.

force of habit

i have no love in my heart

so i will force it.

i will force myself to do loving things,

to have loving thoughts, to be as lovely

as i can be.

maybe one day, i won't have to force

myself anymore and i'll find that the

love in my heart flows out naturally

like a spring of water.

i hope that one day that these habits

will become the real thing and that i won't

be a horrible person anymore with a

horrible heart. until then,

i will try to make myself love.

hypocrite

i do what i hate.

would i do something that i hate?

i wouldn't.

then i must love what i do, but i always regret it after.

am i still a hypocrite?

images

people fall in love with images. when i give you roses, you'll take a snapshot of a moment and use it to define me. when i raise my voice and lose you for a second, you'll take a picture of me, and use it against me when you begin to weigh your options. i wonder how many images you will take of me. i wonder which of them will tip the scales, either in my favor or our end. i hope you will see that i am not just one or many images of one kind, but that i am all of them. romantic and all. anger and all. kisses on the forehead and all. the silent treatment and all. sins and all. the bad images will always outweigh the good and you will look for others, who only show you their best side, you will choose to see their best side and ignore the bad because you find comfort in knowing that at least those images won't be of me.

workshop

i liked the details

because they were

detaily.

i liked the story

because you

told one.

i liked the voice

because you

spoke.

i thought you used

i too much.

i thought the story

wasn't good.

i thought the voice

was inconsistent.

i didn't like it.

i think i'm a liar.

opinions

they don't matter.