you know how in disney movies the supposedly nonredeemable character goes through obstacles and circumstances that he or she would never have gone through before to come out transformed, a new character with new actions.
in beauty and the beast, the beast was "unlovable" until belle loves him and he's transformed into a handsome, white (i think he should've been black because of that manly, soulful voice, but disney, right?) prince.
the old dude in Up is turned from a bitter old man into a mentor/father figure at the end of the film because he realized that all the adventure that he needed and wanted with his wife already happened while she was alive.
in freaky friday, the mother and daughter switch bodies, so that they will learn what it's like to be in each others' shoes and to understand, hence growing closer together.
and in blah blah blah. the list goes on forever and will continue to grow.
my question and sort of pondering is this.
am i going through that same thing right now?
for the past 6 months almost, more likely 5, i've been in pain and don't get me wrong i'm way better off now than 4 months ago, but am i missing a lesson here?
i believe things happen for a reason and that God's got a lesson to be learned in all circumstances. the most apparent lesson that i need to learn is patience.
i am impatient. not with waiting for my hot pocket to be done or waiting in line at the dmv, but with learning lessons themselves. i want to know it all, do it all, and be done with it all.
but i'm not done. not as close to done as i would want to be, which would be to be done.
i am impatient. i've come to terms with that. i want to say that i've gotten more patient in the past few months, but at the same time i ask myself how much patience do i need?
and that is where the problem lies.
love God and love people? ok. how do i do that? how much? what do i do? when is it enough? when will my quota of love be fulfilled?
tithe? how much? 10%? every week? every paycheck? what my heart allows me to give? to charities? organizations?
go on missions? share the Gospel? how many people? pray for her? him?
what do i have to do to earn God's love? His favor? when will He be happy with me? i'll do whatever it takes. i'll work all my life to earn it. when i sin and He doesn't like me anymore, i'll make it up to Him. i promise. He'll be proud of me. one day, i'll be worthy.
i'll work 'til the day i die. i'll do whatever He wants. as long as He promises to love me and accept me.
i'll do anything and everything. but i'll fail. like i always do. i'll say i'm sorry and ask You to forgive, but i won't feel forgiven. i'll pray to love more, but i don't feel loved. i'll remind myself of truth, but i will believe the lie.
i tell myself that i will learn. God will teach me. i'll learn and never forget. but i do. will i ever really learn? or will i constantly struggle to accept the truth? will i be too late in the end?
i know that i will always be learning, but never fully learned. and i'm ok with that now. i just want to know the Truth. i don't want to keep asking the same questions anymore.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
i think i think too much
i really do. whether the devil is coaxing me and tempting me with unreasonable and illogical thought patterns or whether i'm just paranoid and fatalistic, i spend most of my time in my thoughts. and i buy into many of them. some are ambitious. some say that i'll be famous one day, that i'll be a good writer, that i'll have a lot of money, and live a good life. i want to believe them. some others say that i'll be alone, that the worst is yet to come, and that i will die miserable, unloved and unknown. i fight to not believe them.
if i choose not to believe any of these thoughts, will i be better off? i believe that God can work in these thoughts. but at the same time they get the best of me and i find myself believing lies and irrational prophecies of my own deduction. do i turn it all off? i don't have the power to do that. you say don't think about it, i think harder. the more i think about ambitious thoughts the more i realize that it can't come true. the more i think about evil ones the more i realize how powerless i am to keep them from coming true. the more i realize how powerless i am the more i feel that they are inevitable.
the harder i think and the more i lose hope. the more i think the more i think about evil days. the more i think the more my jealousies rage. the more i think the more i think "i'm not worth it. the world's better off without whatever i am."
i get sucked into these delusions, but i've found strength to fight them. but i feel if any of my horrible thoughts would come true i would lose once and for all. if one thought came to be i would realize my worst fears and find that it was true all along.
i've found myself at a point of surrender. if i give up these things to God, then i may have hope. the remnants of fear or worry may linger, but if i can have hope in One who can redeem me i feel that i can go on no matter what thoughts may come true. i find that it's really not complicated. it's simple. at least i think it is.
if i choose not to believe any of these thoughts, will i be better off? i believe that God can work in these thoughts. but at the same time they get the best of me and i find myself believing lies and irrational prophecies of my own deduction. do i turn it all off? i don't have the power to do that. you say don't think about it, i think harder. the more i think about ambitious thoughts the more i realize that it can't come true. the more i think about evil ones the more i realize how powerless i am to keep them from coming true. the more i realize how powerless i am the more i feel that they are inevitable.
the harder i think and the more i lose hope. the more i think the more i think about evil days. the more i think the more my jealousies rage. the more i think the more i think "i'm not worth it. the world's better off without whatever i am."
i get sucked into these delusions, but i've found strength to fight them. but i feel if any of my horrible thoughts would come true i would lose once and for all. if one thought came to be i would realize my worst fears and find that it was true all along.
i've found myself at a point of surrender. if i give up these things to God, then i may have hope. the remnants of fear or worry may linger, but if i can have hope in One who can redeem me i feel that i can go on no matter what thoughts may come true. i find that it's really not complicated. it's simple. at least i think it is.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
need
i hear people say, "i can't believe that everyone is evil or else i'll lose hope in humanity. i need to believe that people are inherently good or else we're all just hopeless messes." i believe that statement sets itself for failure and that to hope in humanity is ultimately hopeless. if we were to believe that people were inherently good, then we wouldn't be able to explain why we have crime. why we have murderers, rapists, thieves, liars, and corrupted, selfish people is anyone's best guess. people will point to psychology for answers; they will point to peoples' backgrounds and the way they were raised as excuses for the reason as to why people are as they are, but these all go full circle. because, in the end, we can't explain why some cheat on their spouses, why they lie to get ahead in their career, why they drink until they lose all control of their senses, and why we divert or distract ourselves from asking the real questions that we need answers to. we can say that people do these things because of a certain cause and the effect is that we do these horrible things, but that doesn't account for the reason why we feel the need to do these things. in this evil world, believing that everyone is good isn't an optimistic worldview that everyone should adopt. it will only make you question all the more why there are such atrocities in this world if everyone is good. it's inconsistent.
i can believe that there are some good, some bad. but we know that in this world, no one is perfect. there is no one that is wholly good and wholly bad. we can bet that there are robbers that have children that they love and care for and that the evil they do is for their childrens' good. we can bet that there are good men that raise money to help the poor, but pocket some of the proceeds for their gain. good actions for evil intentions. so there can't be just good people and bad people. you can say that we are all, individually, mixes of good and evil. so what are we then? a bunch of lukewarm people that don't know which side to take? i think we would be content to be a mix of good and evil for who are we to judge one another then? no prisons, no wrong or right because we are all a mix of good and bad, so there would be no need for justice, but something inside us compels us to do so.
i believe that everyone is evil. whether you're a kid stealing a candy bar or you're a mass murderer on death row. we all share the same common disease of sin and evil. how can i believe this? how can i have hope in this hopeless context? i have hope because of this hopelessness. there's no good news without bad news. we surely cannot appreciate or know what light is without the dark. we don't know what right is without wrong. we have this sense of rightness because of the evil inside of us and a desire, a need for something more. we need justice, we need hope. we desire a hope in this hopelessness. it is only in this context that hope is real. but that desire is not enough; there must be something tangible, something real to have hope in. there is. thank God, there is. we need forgiveness, we need redemption. we need faith. to believe in something more than what we have, than what we are. we need Jesus. we are lost in our separation and ignorance because of sin. we need to become hopeless, to come to the end of ourselves and fall into the arms of Christ. we need to.
i can believe that there are some good, some bad. but we know that in this world, no one is perfect. there is no one that is wholly good and wholly bad. we can bet that there are robbers that have children that they love and care for and that the evil they do is for their childrens' good. we can bet that there are good men that raise money to help the poor, but pocket some of the proceeds for their gain. good actions for evil intentions. so there can't be just good people and bad people. you can say that we are all, individually, mixes of good and evil. so what are we then? a bunch of lukewarm people that don't know which side to take? i think we would be content to be a mix of good and evil for who are we to judge one another then? no prisons, no wrong or right because we are all a mix of good and bad, so there would be no need for justice, but something inside us compels us to do so.
i believe that everyone is evil. whether you're a kid stealing a candy bar or you're a mass murderer on death row. we all share the same common disease of sin and evil. how can i believe this? how can i have hope in this hopeless context? i have hope because of this hopelessness. there's no good news without bad news. we surely cannot appreciate or know what light is without the dark. we don't know what right is without wrong. we have this sense of rightness because of the evil inside of us and a desire, a need for something more. we need justice, we need hope. we desire a hope in this hopelessness. it is only in this context that hope is real. but that desire is not enough; there must be something tangible, something real to have hope in. there is. thank God, there is. we need forgiveness, we need redemption. we need faith. to believe in something more than what we have, than what we are. we need Jesus. we are lost in our separation and ignorance because of sin. we need to become hopeless, to come to the end of ourselves and fall into the arms of Christ. we need to.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Saturday, February 27, 2010
diversion
distract me from what i really am
hide me behind laughter and silence
i want to be covered up; blanket me in
what i'm not, what i desire to be
because i don't want to feel the pain
of knowing what i'm not capable of
but that's not what i really need
take all these diversions from me
burn me up
burn me until i stop screaming
burn me until you see what i really am
burn me raw
i will be happy when i am refined
when i am refined i will have nothing
to be sad about so i won't cry
when i am refined there will be no
excuse for me to commit crimes
that's what i really need
take all these diversions from me
burn me raw
burn me until i shine
burn me until you see what i really am
burn it all away
hide me behind laughter and silence
i want to be covered up; blanket me in
what i'm not, what i desire to be
because i don't want to feel the pain
of knowing what i'm not capable of
but that's not what i really need
take all these diversions from me
burn me up
burn me until i stop screaming
burn me until you see what i really am
burn me raw
i will be happy when i am refined
when i am refined i will have nothing
to be sad about so i won't cry
when i am refined there will be no
excuse for me to commit crimes
that's what i really need
take all these diversions from me
burn me raw
burn me until i shine
burn me until you see what i really am
burn it all away
worship
"There are only two kinds of people in the end: those who say to God, 'Thy will be done,' and those to whom God says, in the end, 'Thy will be done.'" -C.S. Lewis
we're all worshipers. i believe we grow up worshiping an ideal version of "you" whatever or whoever that might be. i grew up wanting to be a rich, good looking businessman that had the prettiest girl on his arm living happily ever after. i wanted to be the guys in the movies; i wanted to be james bond, rambo, the athlete, the romantic, the hero. i wanted to be the best, the richest, the most attractive. i wanted to be the desire of everyone's heart. i wanted to be a god. i wanted to be worshiped.
and now at 22 i find myself at these odds. the odds of self-worship against worshiping God. i thought that worshiping God would be easier; it's reasonable enough. give glory to the one who created you, but i find myself desiring my own praise. isn't this evil? doesn't all the evil in the world come out of some form of self-worship? people kill each other because something doesn't go their way; they're not pleased with another person, so they end it. people rape because they want pleasure and will do anything to get it. people steal to satisfy a desire. people cheat, abandon, lie to get their way. because at the center of it all it's a desire to please one's self above all. the devil has the same problem and now he's trying to feed that lie to as many as he can to drag down as many as he can to the hell that he's heading towards. worshiping God requires self-sacrifice; losing yourself; putting others before you. people don't like that. why? because you ask yourself, "well, what do i get out of it?" which is missing the point. i believe that when Jesus said that whoever keeps his life for himself will lose it and those who lose their life for me will find it, he meant that living for yourself isn't the way to live. that by worshiping God, the Creator, and losing yourself in Him you will find who you really are. you will find life in your death. that in self-denial; dying to yourself you will find what it means to truly live, to be like God, but not being God. it's not easy. i find myself natural becoming a devil, while struggling to worship and be like God. i'm happy to have this struggle though. it lets me know that i'm on the right track. that this struggle is the beginning of something that, when finished, will be my natural state, who i really am.
we're all worshipers. i believe we grow up worshiping an ideal version of "you" whatever or whoever that might be. i grew up wanting to be a rich, good looking businessman that had the prettiest girl on his arm living happily ever after. i wanted to be the guys in the movies; i wanted to be james bond, rambo, the athlete, the romantic, the hero. i wanted to be the best, the richest, the most attractive. i wanted to be the desire of everyone's heart. i wanted to be a god. i wanted to be worshiped.
and now at 22 i find myself at these odds. the odds of self-worship against worshiping God. i thought that worshiping God would be easier; it's reasonable enough. give glory to the one who created you, but i find myself desiring my own praise. isn't this evil? doesn't all the evil in the world come out of some form of self-worship? people kill each other because something doesn't go their way; they're not pleased with another person, so they end it. people rape because they want pleasure and will do anything to get it. people steal to satisfy a desire. people cheat, abandon, lie to get their way. because at the center of it all it's a desire to please one's self above all. the devil has the same problem and now he's trying to feed that lie to as many as he can to drag down as many as he can to the hell that he's heading towards. worshiping God requires self-sacrifice; losing yourself; putting others before you. people don't like that. why? because you ask yourself, "well, what do i get out of it?" which is missing the point. i believe that when Jesus said that whoever keeps his life for himself will lose it and those who lose their life for me will find it, he meant that living for yourself isn't the way to live. that by worshiping God, the Creator, and losing yourself in Him you will find who you really are. you will find life in your death. that in self-denial; dying to yourself you will find what it means to truly live, to be like God, but not being God. it's not easy. i find myself natural becoming a devil, while struggling to worship and be like God. i'm happy to have this struggle though. it lets me know that i'm on the right track. that this struggle is the beginning of something that, when finished, will be my natural state, who i really am.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
wedding
a man weds a woman. a woman weds a man. there is a wedding ceremony, wedding cake, wedding guests, wedding cards, wedding gifts, wedding pictures, wedding decorations, wedding reception, wedding vows. i think about all these things. the details of a wedding. i never think about what it really means to wed. i never thought about it as an action, just a bunch of details that people put so much care into. what does it mean to wed, to be married. there's a nice ceremony where people are dressed in their best, a reception where there is celebration for the honored couple, but we forget about the details that have become redundant over the years. the vows, the kiss, the guests. what does it all mean?
the vows. aren't vows for knights? for samurais to honor and would fight to the death for? isn't it for that one guy who gets saved by a kung fu master and is indebted to him for life? vows are forever, right? when the action hero takes a vow of vengeance upon the person who killed his family, we expect the hero to follow through. he may get tired, weary, discouraged, but we expect fully that he will get his revenge and that he will make good on his vow. but of course we expect that in a movie. it wouldn't make much of a film if he changed his mind or found another woman to start a family with and forgot about his vow. we'd have serious questions about his character and his intentions. why is it so different with marriage. people are getting divorced left and right. have they forgotten their vows? when they made them, didn't we expect them to follow through? when they said that they would be together until death no matter what circumstances would arise, did we just think that it was a euphemism? maybe i didn't take it so seriously because no one else did. but it just makes us out to be liars. the vows are real. there may be times when you wish you weren't married, when you wish the person you were married to were different, when you want to cheat, when you want to leave, when you want to end it. we want the easy way out. but when we don't keep the vows it kills the relationship and the people involved in it. it hurts the other person when you want to be selfish and break the vows. but remembering them and keeping them keeps the marriage intact. the vows keep the couple alive. the vows are for life.
the kiss. i don't have much experience in this department. i think every kid knows kisses are sometimes wet and sloppy, but the people that kiss you care for you. one day you're too old to be kissed good night and its time to find someone else that you can kiss. the kiss isn't just a physical sweet gesture that lets everyone know that you are together or that you care or that you share the same bed. i believe its symbolic. when you kiss at your wedding you're saying this is my spouse whom i love and will love until death and the only one who i will kiss as long as i live. i don't think its a sin to kiss your parents and your children or a close friend, but that's why the bride and groom kiss lips. i don't know how the kiss came about. maybe adam and eve were hanging out and one of them suggested to the other if they wanted to touch mouths. "like the thing i use to put food into and chew and swallow?" "well, maybe not teeth, but just the outer part of the mouth." and the kiss was born. or maybe they didn't find touching nostrils and ears quite the same thing as touching lips. i figure you don't kiss everyone you meet and that it's reserved for someone you care about and want to share your life with. maybe that's why the kiss comes after the vows. it's a seal. a promise to keep the vows.
the wedding guests. yes, you will invite people that you have never seen before, but at least you can get wedding gifts or money to pay off the wedding from them. but the guests are more than guests. they're witnesses. your best man, maid of honor? men and women to keep you accountable, to make sure that you are making a lifelong choice and that you must keep it. the guests testify to your vows, your kiss, and your lifelong journey together as one. the witnesses are going to be one of the reasons that you keep your vows. you don't want to tell everyone that you have broken your vows that they were witness to. it's shameful and you become a liar. you break the faith that they had in your marriage bond. they don't know all the details of your married life. they don't know what he's really like. they don't know how she treats me. but they care. they care enough to be there to see you join together as one. but i don't want to stay with her or him for their sake, what about what i want? this is what you wanted. you wanted forever. you wanted vows, kiss, the witnesses, and everything. if you didn't mean it, then you shouldn't have. this is why there are no divorce ceremonies. we don't celebrate it. we say forever and mean it. weddings are the beginning of no end.
the vows. aren't vows for knights? for samurais to honor and would fight to the death for? isn't it for that one guy who gets saved by a kung fu master and is indebted to him for life? vows are forever, right? when the action hero takes a vow of vengeance upon the person who killed his family, we expect the hero to follow through. he may get tired, weary, discouraged, but we expect fully that he will get his revenge and that he will make good on his vow. but of course we expect that in a movie. it wouldn't make much of a film if he changed his mind or found another woman to start a family with and forgot about his vow. we'd have serious questions about his character and his intentions. why is it so different with marriage. people are getting divorced left and right. have they forgotten their vows? when they made them, didn't we expect them to follow through? when they said that they would be together until death no matter what circumstances would arise, did we just think that it was a euphemism? maybe i didn't take it so seriously because no one else did. but it just makes us out to be liars. the vows are real. there may be times when you wish you weren't married, when you wish the person you were married to were different, when you want to cheat, when you want to leave, when you want to end it. we want the easy way out. but when we don't keep the vows it kills the relationship and the people involved in it. it hurts the other person when you want to be selfish and break the vows. but remembering them and keeping them keeps the marriage intact. the vows keep the couple alive. the vows are for life.
the kiss. i don't have much experience in this department. i think every kid knows kisses are sometimes wet and sloppy, but the people that kiss you care for you. one day you're too old to be kissed good night and its time to find someone else that you can kiss. the kiss isn't just a physical sweet gesture that lets everyone know that you are together or that you care or that you share the same bed. i believe its symbolic. when you kiss at your wedding you're saying this is my spouse whom i love and will love until death and the only one who i will kiss as long as i live. i don't think its a sin to kiss your parents and your children or a close friend, but that's why the bride and groom kiss lips. i don't know how the kiss came about. maybe adam and eve were hanging out and one of them suggested to the other if they wanted to touch mouths. "like the thing i use to put food into and chew and swallow?" "well, maybe not teeth, but just the outer part of the mouth." and the kiss was born. or maybe they didn't find touching nostrils and ears quite the same thing as touching lips. i figure you don't kiss everyone you meet and that it's reserved for someone you care about and want to share your life with. maybe that's why the kiss comes after the vows. it's a seal. a promise to keep the vows.
the wedding guests. yes, you will invite people that you have never seen before, but at least you can get wedding gifts or money to pay off the wedding from them. but the guests are more than guests. they're witnesses. your best man, maid of honor? men and women to keep you accountable, to make sure that you are making a lifelong choice and that you must keep it. the guests testify to your vows, your kiss, and your lifelong journey together as one. the witnesses are going to be one of the reasons that you keep your vows. you don't want to tell everyone that you have broken your vows that they were witness to. it's shameful and you become a liar. you break the faith that they had in your marriage bond. they don't know all the details of your married life. they don't know what he's really like. they don't know how she treats me. but they care. they care enough to be there to see you join together as one. but i don't want to stay with her or him for their sake, what about what i want? this is what you wanted. you wanted forever. you wanted vows, kiss, the witnesses, and everything. if you didn't mean it, then you shouldn't have. this is why there are no divorce ceremonies. we don't celebrate it. we say forever and mean it. weddings are the beginning of no end.
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