paper

people throw it away, some recycle, some keep papers to remember or document or perhaps for sentimental value, but at the end of the day it's still paper. thinly, cheaply produced paper only as good as the writing that's on it. some words are holier than others. some words are meant to entertain or to inform, but they are only temporary. there are timeless classics, however. books. the Holy Bible. original manuscripts, maybe. first editions. of course now everything is digital. digitally archived, saved, published, retweeted, blogged, posted. some will defend paperbacks and hardbacks against kindles. but the only thing that matters are the words on the page and as i was looking through the pages and pages of random Christmas and birthday cards, elementary school achievement certificates, college essays, and interesting newspaper bits i thought were interesting, i found that i couldn't bring myself to throw away certain bits of paper.

the ticket stubs to The Dark Knight in Imax, which i saw twice.

a piece of construction paper with random bits of encouragement written by my classmates during my freshmen year of college, whom i really didn't know at the time.

cards that my grandfather had hand drawn on pictures of birds and other creatures.

at the same time, i found it really easy to throw away other papers that had no meaning to me now.

bank statements, random notes of encouragement from people that i served with at a retreat, none of whom i really talk to now. certificates of achievements from elementary school, what achievements? i don't know.

there's so much paper in this world, let alone my room, and i wonder what the point of it all is.

my friend wes was cleaning out his old room, which he just moved back into, and all of these bits and pieces of paper, photos, memories were being resurrected for a moment before being tossed to never be thought about or looked at again.

i'll look back again someday and look at all these papers that i have accumulated over the years and wonder why i've kept them. why i've held onto these things that don't have the same meaning as it once did. maybe i'll look back on these blog posts and wonder if they've all been a waste of digital space. it makes me want to matter. not me, but my words. not the words itself, but what they're about, who they point to. will i point to Jesus and the Kingdom or myself and how great i am, i was, i used to be. what will the value of these words be?

will these words be remembered? will they encourage? will they help at all? or will it all be tossed into a fire, ink fading, creases crumbling, paper to ashes.

the tree of life

i've just come back from an abstract night. i decided to wash out the filth transformers 3 that infected my eyes and brain with a thinking movie, the tree of life. i bought the ticket an hour before showing, so i walked over to best buy, used their bathroom, and bought the king of limbs for $6 to listen to on the ride home. i walked into the theater expecting no one to be there, but there was an older asian couple sitting, talking, eating popcorn. i sat down in the 3rd row, dead center, best seat in the house, at least to me and began to ponder about my own life. my sins, my need for Christ, how i've been dealing with my problems and how i've been stuck in this rut of sin, confess, sin, cry out, sin, etc. as i thought, more and more people started walking in and i couldn't help but notice the kind of people that walked in. another couple walked in, younger, white, and seemed to enjoy kissing each other. a father and son walked in, talking about the film they were about to watch, enjoying one another's company and this time they had together as father and son. some other couples walked in, a group of middle aged friends, a group of high school/college friends, a group of girls who kept whispering and giggling, tempting me to turn around and to tell them to shut up (i didn't).

the movie started and although i knew that the visuals would be good, i didn't realize how beautiful each shot would be. every scene had a sense of elevation, a sense of awe and wonder invoked by the camera angles. the scenes with the actors were so natural and intimate, the camera was almost like a spirit or ghost in which we could peer into the lives of these characters. but the tree of life went beyond these characters' stories, it went into our own lives and how every person, action, and event shapes who we are.

the visuals are amazing, the acting is great, but this film will divide audiences. i know that most people that i know would hate this movie. "nothing happened," "what just happened," "this movie sucks," "i don't get it" are all responses that i would expect to hear and i would disagree because most people walk in with a certain expectation and when the film doesn't meet that expectation, it's all downhill from there. i walked in expecting a visually compelling film that dared to ask and answer life's hardest questions: "what's the meaning of it all?" "is there a God?" "why do people die?"

the film doesn't answer these questions definitively and i don't think anyone was expecting it to, but at times the film does drag on and seems out of focus. it seems to tackle too much and answer too little. at worst, the tree of life seems like sequences of abstractions and existentialism, but at best, the tree of life seems to have glimmers of hope, redemption, and the power of unfailing love.

during the film, i witnessed some people getting up and leaving. i was trying to be patient with the film and with the group of girls behind me who kept whispering and giggling. but i know that the tree of life has something for everyone. that somehow that we are connected with one another, that God has created us for relationship and fellowship, that as we were watching this film, we, as an audience, were connected on a deeper, human level. that like the characters in the film, we have known pain, love, rebellion, and forgiveness.

to those who want to watch this film, or are at least willing to, i would say this: be patient and don't be quick to anger. the film is far from perfect, but it dares to be great and perhaps some will dare to say that it is.

how about that novel you've been working on...

so how about it?

i don't know.

i don't know why i can't seem to focus. i want to do so many things, but i can't seem to be disciplined enough or self-controlled to complete anything.

this is due to my lack of patience.

impatient to work hard, impatient to go through the stress, impatient to sit down and think.

like guns n roses, i could use a little patience.

1 + 1 = 1

little successes

little accomplishments are like little medals. they make us feel like we're worth something. like we did something productive or useful with our time, our lives.

like this blog post for instant. when i hit that orange "Publish Post" button, i feel a tiny hand pat me on the back, my ego saying "way to go," or "that's right, dun. word is born." my ego switches back and forth between a 1950s Beaver Cleaver type of character and a 1990s rapper from QB.

blog posts are one of many things that make us feel good about ourselves. i started eating Greek yogurt, which has way more protein than Go-Gurt. is it as fun to eat as Go-Gurt? no, but i do feel better after i work out because i know that my biceps are that much closer to Arnold's (like Terminator Arnold, not former Governor/adulterer Arnold).

we do little things like this all the time. i chose diet instead of regular, i didn't eat that chicken tender that fell on the floor, i held open a door for somebody when they were kind of far behind me, i read a chapter of a book today, ok it was a graphic novel, but i took extra time to appreciate the artwork.

are these little successes bad? in a way. you're tooting your mini-horn a lot. and many toots equal a big toot, which leads to tooting your pants, and an awkward walk back to your house to clean up your tooting mess.

what's the point?

you're not really getting anything done. in the giant picture of things, you choosing to dwell on these small successes are making you complacent towards the race you're running. i'm a Christian, so i'm running towards the finish line to hear, "Well done, good and faithful servant." others are running towards success as an author, or as a chef, or as a good businessman, or a good parent, or student, etc.

we all have to keep our eyes on the goal. or else we'll forget why we're running in the first place and settle for cheap gold wrapped chocolate medals instead of the real thing. we don't want to be those people who decided to veer from the path because they saw a nice patch of grass and said, "this is good enough for me." we want to keep running until we see the finish and the reward that comes with it, whatever it may be.

little successes aren't always bad. maybe you read a chapter of a real book and it inspired to you to write your own story. maybe eating broccoli instead of cheese fries was a step forward in reaching your target weight, that's great. but let's not dwell on these things and see them as the real prize. let's see these little successes for what they really are. steps towards the real, true success that we are trying to reach. and in Christ, it's been accomplished, we just have to get there by His grace.

caught up

i think i get caught up in my fantasies too much. i enjoy thinking and imagining what i'm going to do and how i'm going to be so much better when the end results of those actions culminate in my being instead of actually doing them.

i fantasize about writing a script and having that script sold, filmed, winning awards, being called the best written script of all time, getting a piece of the multi-million dollar pie, and living off one success the rest of my life. being known as the guy who wrote the Academy Award winning "insert future film title."

but i get caught up in that and i'd rather just sit thinking about how i'm going to do this and do that, how i'm going to be better at this, improve in that, take time to learn this, and the list goes on. sometimes i feel a panic that i'm not going to do what i always dreamed of doing, which should make me work harder at something, but whenever i have that pressure to achieve, i just shut down.

it's weird.

basketball players dream of making that game winning shot, being like mj.

mma fighters all want to be the best. to win that belt, to be champion. bj penn said, "I just want to be the best ever. Is that too much to ask?"

every kid out there has some kind of pipe dream of being the best in everything, but as you get older, you realize that you can only choose one thing and there's a big chance that you won't be the best in it.

but they all try. we all try. some fail trying to learn the basics. some give up under the high demands of practicing their craft. some fail trying to reach the top and losing to better competition. some just crumble under the pressure of not being good enough and constant failures.

i think most of us can say that we all failed at something at some point, but very few of us can say, "yeah, i'm the best." a lot of us, including myself, just throw in the towel. i think i throw in the towel before i even try.

i just look at my failures or look at the task in front of me and say, "wow, i can't do it." that's something i need to really look at in myself and convince myself to just try, but at the same time, i think that there's a beauty in simple Gospel truth in these everyday challenges. the truth is that some or most of us won't be able to do it, many of us won't be the best. and some people go into depression or they go and work harder, but i don't believe the solution to it all is to "just keep going, or keep pressing on" because sometimes no matter how hard you push, you won't be able to move a brick wall.

i find that once the pressure is off, once the whole label or title of wanting to be the best is out and when the burden is lifted off your shoulders, you are truly free to be the best. it's a weird thing. once the pressure is off, i find myself wanting to actually do the things i want, to follow through on some things that i find challenging or difficult. and that's what Christ did for me.

instead of trying to keep the rules and be the best Christian i could be, i found that i was more of a lawbreaker, a worse person, and that i was failing constantly. it wasn't until i heard the Gospel of trusting in Christ's finished work on the cross and His resurrection that i felt that i was truly free to be me. and not just that. He freed me to do my best for His glory.

we all get caught up in something, in trying to be the best or at least imagining so without any follow through because we're afraid of failing and rightfully so. we will fail, but in Him we find all we need. we find that we can't do it and that's great. He can do it and then we can be free to do our best.

1 + 1 = 1