we have two views of addicts. the serious view and the funny/intrigued view. addicted to heroin? serious. addicted to shopping? seriously? addicted to video games? funny. and kind of sad. but we all have our vices. people get addicted to the most dire of things, while others get addicted to things that we didn't realize were addicting. when i think of addiction i think of junkies on the streets scraping together change for the next fix. i think of 12 step programs that tell you that sobriety is life. i think of rehab and how so many celebrities go to get clean only to relapse back into their addictions closer to death.
and i look into my own life. what are my addictions. lust, pride, self-worship. i inject myself with images that flow through my veins into my mind, my thoughts to satisfy this demon that i can't fight off. no matter who i hurt, how it effects me in the end, and how much i want to stop and be free the addiction doesn't care. the addiction only knows what it wants and that, eventually, with enough tempting i will give it what it needs.
i hate that. i hate that i hurt those i love with addiction. i hate that i go into bouts of depression and self-deprecation that takes all of me to get out of. i hate that i can't let go of it.
i find that i need something bigger in me to defeat this. i need a desire just as strong or stronger to overpower this lust; this cancer; this sin. God, help me.
