for a while, actually maybe a little bit even now, i felt that God just didn't care. i had this disc herniation for a long time as my doctor implied today, to which i neither confirmed or denied due to insurance purposes, but i've had it for a long time and with it, i've had doubts.
i had doubts about whether God loved me and i had doubts about my own salvation and after all the bitching and the moaning about my back and not being able to work out, i did see some bright spots. these may not seem like bright spots, but areas that had light shed on them by God's grace, which humbled me. i realized i put a lot of emphasis on my physical appearance and took a lot of pride in the way people saw me. after working out and gaining some muscle, i felt untouchable and very cocky, so i believe that this injury humbled me. God broke that idol of pride and self-image i had been worshiping. but i continued to worship it because i refused to acknowledge the God who loved me and died for me. my depraved heart still desired to worship the false hope of getting better and going back to my idolatrous ways. i was a mess. i tried to find joy in lust, in a relationship, in anything but what i truly needed: the Gospel.
it wasn't what i needed, it was Who i needed. i needed Jesus and i still need Him and will always need Him. i distanced myself from Him because i associated Him with emotion, with happiness, but i never felt that way and i wouldn't for a long time. i didn't want to set myself up for disappointment as if i could truly be disappointed with the Almighty Father. but that's what i did. i distanced myself, i needed to seek Him, and i tried to, but i gave up easily because what i wanted wasn't going to come easy.
after the surgery, i realize that i need Him and there is nothing else. whatever i end up doing or whether i make a full recovery or not, i need to worship Him because He has been good to me. He died for me, He loved me, and i want to rejoice. so this is my post op repentance of sorts, i just pray that it will be a repentance of action and not of words. thanks for all who have prayed for me. God bless you. God bless you who desire to know Him and God bless those who don't, may He mercifully open your eyes.
