didn't know anything about cars except the names of a select few sports cars that i stored in my mind, just in case if someone asked me what my favorite cars were. i learned that lesson the hard way when my friend asked me what my favorite car was and i blurted out the durango, which was the most recent car commercial i had seen. my friend proceeded to question my taste in cars and i started doing some research from then on.
i don't know what made me want to be a car designer. i couldn't even draw. my mom made me take art classes twice a week back in elementary school because she was concerned about my ability to only draw stick figures. even after the art classes my skills went from horrible to average, probably near the bottom average right above where i used to be.
it never occurred to me to pursue a job where my talents lied. i grew up with little money and that led me to desire a lucrative job. bruce wayne was my hero. tony stark was my back up hero. my mother told me to pray to be like king david, but i wanted to be like solomon, the richest and smartest dude ever. i quickly lost my desire to become a car designer. i really didn't know what to become. high school came and went, but at least i discovered what i enjoyed. film and writing about it. there was one small thing about it that made me hesitant to pursue a major in communications: the money. of lack thereof.
4/16 happened. made me question my purpose. juggled biology, human nutrition, and came back to my senses by switching to english, but now i'm as lost as ever.
4 college years have come and gone. but at least i've got ambitions. i want to write a movie or a book, maybe both. but the question remains in my heart. do i want to this for Christ or for me. these past years have shaped me spiritually as well and i'm torn between wanting to pursue my passions, which are very secular, or to pursue what i think God would rather have me do, which of course i can't know for sure.
i've lived most of my life with a legalistic scale in my hands, making sure that the bad things i do don't weigh more than the good ones, even though i know that the bad far outweighs the good by tons.
what am i doing.
i'm scared of falling into the world and losing faith.
i'm scared of losing my dreams by following the "holier" path.
there is no compromise between the world and God, so i must choose one. is there no way that i can point to Jesus through film? books would come easier, but i still have this desire to be recognized by the world and to be paid handsomely for it.
oh, God, save me from myself. change me and lead me. open up doors of opportunity for me for Your kingdom.
in the end, my ambitions will be burned up in the flame and nothing will remain.
but if i persevere through trial and temptation and forsake all, what will remain? life. and that to the fullest. forgive me, Lord Jesus, help me to seek You with all my heart.
