1 + 1 = 1

little successes

little accomplishments are like little medals. they make us feel like we're worth something. like we did something productive or useful with our time, our lives.

like this blog post for instant. when i hit that orange "Publish Post" button, i feel a tiny hand pat me on the back, my ego saying "way to go," or "that's right, dun. word is born." my ego switches back and forth between a 1950s Beaver Cleaver type of character and a 1990s rapper from QB.

blog posts are one of many things that make us feel good about ourselves. i started eating Greek yogurt, which has way more protein than Go-Gurt. is it as fun to eat as Go-Gurt? no, but i do feel better after i work out because i know that my biceps are that much closer to Arnold's (like Terminator Arnold, not former Governor/adulterer Arnold).

we do little things like this all the time. i chose diet instead of regular, i didn't eat that chicken tender that fell on the floor, i held open a door for somebody when they were kind of far behind me, i read a chapter of a book today, ok it was a graphic novel, but i took extra time to appreciate the artwork.

are these little successes bad? in a way. you're tooting your mini-horn a lot. and many toots equal a big toot, which leads to tooting your pants, and an awkward walk back to your house to clean up your tooting mess.

what's the point?

you're not really getting anything done. in the giant picture of things, you choosing to dwell on these small successes are making you complacent towards the race you're running. i'm a Christian, so i'm running towards the finish line to hear, "Well done, good and faithful servant." others are running towards success as an author, or as a chef, or as a good businessman, or a good parent, or student, etc.

we all have to keep our eyes on the goal. or else we'll forget why we're running in the first place and settle for cheap gold wrapped chocolate medals instead of the real thing. we don't want to be those people who decided to veer from the path because they saw a nice patch of grass and said, "this is good enough for me." we want to keep running until we see the finish and the reward that comes with it, whatever it may be.

little successes aren't always bad. maybe you read a chapter of a real book and it inspired to you to write your own story. maybe eating broccoli instead of cheese fries was a step forward in reaching your target weight, that's great. but let's not dwell on these things and see them as the real prize. let's see these little successes for what they really are. steps towards the real, true success that we are trying to reach. and in Christ, it's been accomplished, we just have to get there by His grace.

caught up

i think i get caught up in my fantasies too much. i enjoy thinking and imagining what i'm going to do and how i'm going to be so much better when the end results of those actions culminate in my being instead of actually doing them.

i fantasize about writing a script and having that script sold, filmed, winning awards, being called the best written script of all time, getting a piece of the multi-million dollar pie, and living off one success the rest of my life. being known as the guy who wrote the Academy Award winning "insert future film title."

but i get caught up in that and i'd rather just sit thinking about how i'm going to do this and do that, how i'm going to be better at this, improve in that, take time to learn this, and the list goes on. sometimes i feel a panic that i'm not going to do what i always dreamed of doing, which should make me work harder at something, but whenever i have that pressure to achieve, i just shut down.

it's weird.

basketball players dream of making that game winning shot, being like mj.

mma fighters all want to be the best. to win that belt, to be champion. bj penn said, "I just want to be the best ever. Is that too much to ask?"

every kid out there has some kind of pipe dream of being the best in everything, but as you get older, you realize that you can only choose one thing and there's a big chance that you won't be the best in it.

but they all try. we all try. some fail trying to learn the basics. some give up under the high demands of practicing their craft. some fail trying to reach the top and losing to better competition. some just crumble under the pressure of not being good enough and constant failures.

i think most of us can say that we all failed at something at some point, but very few of us can say, "yeah, i'm the best." a lot of us, including myself, just throw in the towel. i think i throw in the towel before i even try.

i just look at my failures or look at the task in front of me and say, "wow, i can't do it." that's something i need to really look at in myself and convince myself to just try, but at the same time, i think that there's a beauty in simple Gospel truth in these everyday challenges. the truth is that some or most of us won't be able to do it, many of us won't be the best. and some people go into depression or they go and work harder, but i don't believe the solution to it all is to "just keep going, or keep pressing on" because sometimes no matter how hard you push, you won't be able to move a brick wall.

i find that once the pressure is off, once the whole label or title of wanting to be the best is out and when the burden is lifted off your shoulders, you are truly free to be the best. it's a weird thing. once the pressure is off, i find myself wanting to actually do the things i want, to follow through on some things that i find challenging or difficult. and that's what Christ did for me.

instead of trying to keep the rules and be the best Christian i could be, i found that i was more of a lawbreaker, a worse person, and that i was failing constantly. it wasn't until i heard the Gospel of trusting in Christ's finished work on the cross and His resurrection that i felt that i was truly free to be me. and not just that. He freed me to do my best for His glory.

we all get caught up in something, in trying to be the best or at least imagining so without any follow through because we're afraid of failing and rightfully so. we will fail, but in Him we find all we need. we find that we can't do it and that's great. He can do it and then we can be free to do our best.

1 + 1 = 1

waiting

i used to believe waiting was the best part. the anticipation of a moment. the chills or tingles or adrenaline pumping through your veins because what you were waiting for was finally about to arrive. it's not the goal, but the journey that matters.

well, yes and no.

i used to love the waiting because you had something to be excited about. you looked forward for who knows how long for the last (supposedly) post-mortem Tupac album to drop. for the last Harry Potter movie to come out (please J.K., just one more book). for the latest iPhone, the five v-necks you ordered from gap in different shades of gray, the 12 books you ordered separately on Amazon Prime so you could open each package like a giddy 10 year old girl on Christmas morning. sure, we look forward to reading these books, seeing the movie, listening to the album, wearing the v-necks, playing Angry Birds on the iPhone, but at the same time, a little part of us is disappointed after we experience these things. why?

because it's over.

no more anticipation, no more excitement. why do shopaholics keep shopping? they think that one scarf or blouse or handbag will really complete their wardrobe, but then it's all over when they purchase it. they don't get that same feeling when they first saw that piece of clothing. they don't feel that same excitement from first purchasing that item when they continue to wear it. maybe that's why a lot of dudes throw away their first wives when they see a better and younger version of their wives. wasn't the initial excitement of starting a relationship or even just waiting for the right girl to come along, the most thrilling and heart pumping anticipation that a guy has felt?

but we get caught up in waiting. we want to wait again. after we achieve a goal, we want to achieve better, which isn't bad in some situations. you wrote a novel and you want to write a better one, sure, go for it. you want to be healthier and eat organic. expensive, but sure man, knock yourself out eating steroid free meat. but obviously, in other delicate situations, we can't always just go for another goal because we miss the excitement and thrill of the chase. most obvious example?

brett favre.

yes, the man will be a hall of famer. yes, he's had a great career, even has a ring to show for it. yeah, it would've been cool for him to win a ring before he retired and he tried. but he might have overstayed his welcome because let's face it. he didn't say that he wanted to stay to win a ring. mike bibby and juwan howard are still in the nba and on the heat because they want to win a ring. noble. terrible players, but i can still applaud their efforts while bibby misses open 3's and howard stands around in the paint intimidating no one. favre stayed because of the thrill. yeah the ring would've been cool, but favre even said in a documentary that followed him when he won his first and last superbowl ring in the '90s that he was sad because it was all over.

all of the regular season games to get them to their initial goal: the playoffs. then came the playoffs with higher stakes, win or go home, and finally they made it to the big game with the chance to win it all. to be the best in the nfl. all of that drama, the sweat, tears, the frustration, the practices, the interceptions, the touchdown celebrations, the winning field goals, the last minute drive to the endzone. all of that gone. over.

and favre wanted that again. not so much with the goal of winning it all again, but to experience that journey to win it all again.

same with us. we enjoy the anticipation and are disappointed when it's over. that's why there are sequels. we want it to continue. we want to wait again.

but after spending 5 years at a college and now having to really think about what to do with the rest of this earthly life, i can say that waiting isn't it. it is about the goal and actually reaching it. sure, the journey is important. it'll test our patience and we'll have good times and bad. God will change and mold us according to His will and the journey can definitely be part of that. but God didn't send Christ to die and rise again, so we could just anticipate His Kingdom come. His Kingdom will come and we wait for it to be established. the sooner, the better. we want to have glorified, resurrected bodies and to worship God forever, and to live life as He created us to. it's not about waiting. it's about the end that will bring about a new beginning. it's the end that will bring about eternity. where we will no longer wait, but enjoy what we have waited for. except this time we will be truly happy, excited, and thrilled, even more so than what we anticipated here on earth.

so i will continue to wait.

but i know i must pursue as well. and maybe that's something better left off for another post...

i've done wrong.