another year over

another year of sins forgiven. God thank you, let me start again.

grace

i believe we're all in need of grace. in a world where everyone's right; where some believe in fate, destiny, religion, or chance there's a desperation in all of us. of course, we don't always recognize it as it is. our desperation takes different shapes and forms in all of our lives.

in my life i have a desperation to be famous, to be popular, to be noticed by somebody, by everybody. i grew up watching movies where the toughest guy always saved the girl; where the loser became the winner; where the richest guy led the richest life, and i wanted all of that. i wanted to be rich, good looking, and able to out-fight/drink/lift/eat/ski/throw/catch/shoot anyone. i wanted to be the guy that every guy wanted to be, that every girl wanted to be with, to be happy. i wanted to be worshipped. i became my own idol and sometimes i still struggle with this, so i get lost in my fantasies waiting for them to come true. but i know if they ever became reality i'd revert to being a scared boy not knowing what to do with all these met desires. i know i would find another idol to worship because it never ends.

whether its the ideal of having a family, a girl, money, success, fame, image we all worship something. we worship not being alone, not being poor, not being failure. we want to avoid what we fear, so we worship the opposites of what we fear.

our idols are no longer made of stone or gold or wood; they are made up of longings. they are made up of our good deeds and the works of our hands.

but trust me when i say that there is nothing else, but Jesus. Jesus Christ. God incarnate. Savior. Lord. Friend. Master. Everything.

the world we live in will deny this, dismissing it as an outdated, primitive, religious, oppressive, superstitious "god" that weak people worship to sooth their conscience or to give them purpose or reason to live. we've all had bad experiences in the church. hypocrisy, judgments, hate, anger, bigotry, the list can go on forever. all i can do for you is the same thing i do for myself: point to Jesus.

you may think you have heard it all. you know the Gospel message. it's not for you. it doesn't make sense to you. you can't believe in it because it's ridiculous. but i know the reason is that you're scared. i'm scared too. i don't want to face my demons let alone admit them. the same as you. but the truth is you have to. in order to grow, to become human, to realize your purpose and your place in life. you have to face your demons, you have to try and fight them. fight off your demons. but i know you will fail because i have so many times and i still do. i still sin and find myself picking up the pieces, but i know i'm not alone. because of grace.

i'm dissatisfied and scared about the future, about now, about my past, about my situation, about events that surround me. and all this can drive me to disbelieve in God, in Jesus, but it does the opposite. why?

maybe it's because i am weak and i refuse to believe that after one dies they cease to exist. maybe it's because i'm not open minded enough and refuse to believe in other religions. maybe because i was raised Christian and it's a part of my identity.

i know it's because of this void in me. this desperation. this disease. this death. i know i can never debate Christianity into you. i can't save you. you want your own belief, your own story, your own philosophy. all i can do is pray. pray for that desperation in you and pray that God will save you. that He will open your eyes and your ears and your heart. all i can tell you to do is seek the truth.

it's hard, painful, frustrating, but it's about endurance. and when all is said and done it's worth it. people will say you're closed minded, judgmental, unloving, a horrible person. we're all evil, we all want to live our own way. i'm telling you to look for God, for meaning, for life. you can't truly live on your own. you need grace. i need grace. pray for me.

God is love.

a change of heart

i don't know if i've had a change of heart or maybe a misdirection of worry and fear. big difference, i know. i imagined myself traveling around the world like some kind of nomad or wanderer. but i find myself wanting to settle. to settle down and start a family sounds like the normal thing to do, but i think it's an insane adventure that people choose to go on. people have always been looking for a purpose, a reason to exist, and have gone around looking and seeking for meaning to life and naturally it makes sense for all of us to wander, exploring the world. isn't it against our nature to settle; to mate with one person for the rest of our lives and raising kids to do the same. isn't that boring and wrong and unnatural? the more i think about it, i get scared. scared that i won't be able to provide, to nurture, to love. the more i think about it, i settle for the 9 to 5 job, the 2.5 kids, and house with a picket fence. the minivan, the family trips, and the holiday visits to grandma and grandpa. maybe it isn't so bad. and then i think about 20 years from now and whether i'll look back and say what could've been. hopefully i'll look at my family; my wife and kids and say i wouldn't have it any other way.

snow

i want to be

clean
pure
perfect

like untouched snow.

refreshing

you're the cool side of a pillow against my warm body.

rebirth

people are reborn every day
new faces, new noses, new lips,
new chests. regenerated with
new parts because you didn't
like the ones you were born
with.

breaking bones

you're taking everything i own
you're taking away my home
now i have no place to go
you're slowly breaking my bones

you're slowly breaking me down