vertical limit

actually i have seen this movie, i think i still have the stub from watching it in the theaters all those years ago. not a great movie, but been collecting ticket stubs ever since so i guess it has a sentimental value. anyway onto the entry...

i've been reading a book called into the wild by jon krakauer. i saw the movie, which was based off the book, with the same name. the movie really spoke a message to me and my spirit. a message that got across to me saying that no matter how successful we are by the world's standards of money, power, and sex we are still dissatisfied and look for more. we look for something greater than what we see around us and something that is greater than us. needless to say, i loved the movie and the book as well and i'm not even done with the book yet. i am in the final 50 pages of the book and i was reading about the author's relation to the inner depths of chris mccandless (the young man of which the book is about) and a few passages caught me and how i've been feeling lately. the passage is taken from the author describing his obsession with climbing a summit called the Devil's Thumb in Alaska and about how he kept failing, but eventually found a way to climb the summit successfully.

"...At dusk I watched, transfixed, as the lights of Petersburg blinked on in the west. The closest thing I'd had to human contact since the airdrop, the distant lights triggered a flood of emotion that caught me off guard. I imagined people watching baseball on television, eating fried chicken in brightly lit kitchens, drinking beer, making love. When I lay down to sleep, I was overcome by a wrenching loneliness. I'd never felt so alone, ever."

"...When I decided to go to Alaska that April, like Chris McCandless, I was a raw youth who mistook passion for insight and acted according to an obscure, gap-ridden logic. I thought climbing the Devils Thumb would fix all that was wrong with my life. In the end, of course, it changed almost nothing. But I came to appreciate that mountains make poor receptacles for dreams. And I lived to tell my tale."

"At that stage of my youth, death remained as abstract a concept non-Euclidean geometry or marriage. I didn't yet appreciate its terrible finality or the havoc it could wreak on those who'd entrusted the deceased with their hearts. I was stirred by the dark mystery of mortality. I couldn't resist stealing up to the edge of doom and peering over the brink. The hint of what was concealed in those shadows terrified me, but I caught sight of something in the glimpse, some forbidden and elemental riddle that was no less compelling than the sweet, hidden petals of a woman's sex.
In my case-- and, I believe, in the case of Chris McCandless--that was a very different thing from wanting to die."

i started feeling this loneliness the author spoke about and when i felt that, i stopped my habitual sin for a week or so. i saw things clearly. i see how futile this world is. then i delved back into sin and i got muddled, saw myself return to my old self. i couldn't take it, so i cried out to God saying i didn't want to go back. and i feel that same loneliness coming back. this void. this need to have everything wrong in my life to be fixed, to be perfect. realizing that everything this world offers is a distraction from reality. the reality being that we're imperfect souls incapable of anything truly good. i want to see the edge of doom, but i know all that i'll find is truth that i already know. the truth being that this world is not it, that eternity lies in the wake. eternity in darkness or eternity in light is our choice. so this is me wanting to come clean. this is me giving up. not to the world. but to God saying i don't know what else to do. and i hope that everyone will experience this. and make it through. i don't know if i'm making it through or not. God, save us because of your great love.

signs

no. not the movie.

you know when you're at the club or the bar and you see a girl you like. you buy her a drink and introduce yourself. you tell her jokes and charm her until she smiles and gives you her number. you know what i'm talking about? yea well me neither. i pulled that out from a movie called swingers. i'm sure that's how it goes down in hollywood and other hot spots, but it sure doesn't in my life. i had a conversation with my friend while we were having dinner at chick fil a and continued the talk about girls all the way to taco bell to finish off a fast food dinner with more fast food. we talked about signs. about how you know whether a girl likes you or not. well there are tell tale signs like she smiles and laughs at every joke you have or she touches you a lot or she does something nice for you. this may help out a lot of guys, but not me. in christian circles all of the above means absolutely nothing. except for the touching part, that's probably frowned upon. anyway girls that you meet in christian circles do nice things for you like bake a cake for your birthday when everyone forgets, they laugh at your jokes or at least smile because they don't want to make you feel bad, and they always say hi to you no matter what because again they want you to know that yes people care about you. this is all awesome and it's great to be loved, but it's confusing as hell when you like a christian girl and the obvious signs aren't signs anymore. they're the norm. so what signs do you look for that is out of the ordinary, that tells you, "yea, man she digs you. go for it." there's nothing in the Bible that tells you how to date. no manual to tell you how to pick up the signs if there are signs or how to even tell if a girl is flirting or just being nice. we had a whole conversation about it and about situations where you end up in the friend zone and you're just the gay best friend who's not really gay, but still goes shopping with her and tells her she looks good in those jeans. what happened. i'm just venting sad to say. and even sadder nothing insightful is in this entry. it's just me surrendering saying that i don't know anything about girls or how to tell one you like her. of course this will just end up with me admitting my fear of rejection. and that's what it is. fear. even if i knew the signs it wouldn't make it easier to tell her. it's hard. rejection. can't be worse than shopping, right.

It's a humid summer night. One of those nights when you can taste the air. The trees stand still as they struggle to take in the thick air and behind them is a playground. Cigarette butts and discarded dimebags litter the mulch laying beneath the playground made of recycled material as if to say, "Thank you, Earth for giving us the trees and mulch. Here's something that can't decompose or become part of you again. It's for the kids."
A cigarette glows in the dark. Another cigarette lights up as two figures emerge.
One is seated on the bench overlooking the playground. One is sitting across from the bench on the slide.
The one sitting on the slide stands up as he sees a firefly light up and he takes a drag and blows a draft disturbing its flight.

Sam: "It's sticky as hell. Freakin' mosquitos."
Wes looks at Sam.
Sam slaps his left arm with his cigarette in his mouth.
"Got you, you bastard."
Wes squints his eyes condescendingly at Sam and takes another drag.
Wes: So, yesterday Jane got in a fight with her parents. Like a big fight. She said her parents said that she wasn't their daughter and I guess she felt...
Sam: Disowned?
Wes: Yeah, i guess. it was pretty messed up. So she calls me and i tell her to calm down and she says she needs to get out of the house. So i say ok i'll be there.
Sam: But you don't have a car.
Wes: ...So, i call Ryan, right? ::Sam laughs:: And i ask him for a favor and he says yea. He picks me up and we go to her house. She comes out and i get in the back of the car with her. She's crying and i don't know what to do. so i just hold her and say everything's going to be alright.
So Ryan drops us off at my place...
Sam: wait, she slept over?
Wes: yea.
Sam: where'd she sleep?
Wes: in my room.
Sam: where'd you sleep?
Wes: in my room.
Sam: Ohhh, i see. so you guys slept together. in the same bed together.
Wes: yea... so i locked my door. and we...
Sam: played monopoly? ::Sam laughs::
Wes laughs: so we're lying on my bed and she's cold. i put the blanket over her. and she comes in closer...
Sam: sex?
Wes: yes, but with my mouth.
Sam: huh? ooooh. awww. ok enough.
Wes: yea.
Sam and Wes take a drag. Sam looks at his cigarette.
Sam: i'm never sharing a cigarette with you again.
Wes: ::laughs::
Headlights shine through the trees. Wes picks up his phone.
Wes: Let's go.
They both flick their cigarettes on the mulch. the cigarettes glow in the night as they walk away. the headlights disappear as the cigarettes burn out.

her

hey i have something to tell you
umm. i uh ... screw it
i think you're the most awesome
person i've ever met.

i know that you don't feel the
same way that i feel about you
and i can't say that i can picture
you and me together.

i'm sure you can do better
than me. whatever i am.
when i think about love
and its application i think

of you. not in a sensual way,
but in the purest way i can.
love is not about just me and you.
it's about God, me, and everyone

we know. so it's selfish of me.
because i just want you and me
to be. i've always thought you
were great. and back then

i was naive thinking that any girl
that talked to me for more than
5 minutes liked me. i know different
now.

i know that you were just being yourself.
you treat everyone the same. you love
everyone. and i hope that things work
out with that guy who likes you so much.

i always saw you two hanging out and
never thought much about it because
i was too engulfed by my lust and pride.
now that i can see a little clearer

i see everything i've missed out on.
and i'll keep all this with me, because
i don't want to ruin any good thing that
might happen between you two.

i know this all sounds stupid and
unexpected and completely random.
i feel a little dumb writing this.
i just needed to let it out.

and last of all i'm sorry for this
if it made you feel weird and
awkward. and yea. i'm just going
to go. have a good life.