i actually have not seen the movie, love actually, yet. i should though since the dvd is in my house. i'll get around to it one day, but for now another insightful entry by yours, truly.
today was routine for me. i woke up and heard my uncle painting the walls. he's been doing it for the past few weeks and it's become routine for me to wake up, walk the dog, try to go back to sleep, get up, read the Word, and turn on my laptop. everything was going according to plan until... i fell. i didn't literally fall. i fell as in i sinned. sin, to the world, isn't a serious a word as it should be. due to the reputation of Christians especially those to the far right, the televangelists, the people with picket signs saying "the end is near" sin has become sort of a long, lost, mythical word that used to be used by primitive people when they thought they angered "God". but to me and a lot of other people sin simply means that we fell short of the way God had planned us to live. yes there is a God and not a "God". He's real, whether if you believe or don't believe is a concern of mine and if you'd like to know more be free to ask. i sinned. i didn't meet God's standards. thank God for Jesus, but i still felt horrible. i felt wrong and dirty. i felt stressed. so stressed that i consumed a store bought Uno's pizza by myself, leaving me feeling dirty and fat. i felt depressed to say the least. i should've accepted my mom's offer to go eat jja jjang myun (noodles in black bean sauce) and i shouldn't have eaten that pizza, but what i really wished was that i could go back in time and not sin. but none of those things happened. i sinned, i felt bad, and we were out of bottled water. so i volunteered to go get water and other things that my mom required. i went out because i wanted some time alone. funny as it sounds, i was alone the whole day besides my uncle in the morning. you think i wanted some noise in the house, but i just wanted to wallow in my guilt and feel sorry for myself. as i was driving home i was wondering about love. how commercialized it was. how no one could possibly know the real definition. to find out you probably had to go back in time and ask someone in the beginning. or ask God himself. as i was getting out of the car i carried the 24 pack of water and sesame oil up the stairs to the door, i fumbled for my keys and put the water against the door and me hoping someone would open the door. no one did. and me feeling depressed found the key and opened the door and i realized that i could handle it. if i had one arm my parents would've been waiting for me to get home to help me, but they weren't because i could handle it. out of a random notion i found that God doesn't give us a load heavier than we can carry. i could've fought that temptation and won, but i didn't, i chose to give up. i walked upstairs and began reading the second to last chapter of Where Is God When It Hurts? by Philip Yancey and the last page struck me. God answered my question of what love really was.
"This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers. If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him? Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth."
1st John 3:16-18
Sacrifice is what i get from those words. i just pray that God is my strength and He uses my weaknesses. In Jesus' name. Amen.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
the cable guy
again, no this isn't about that movie. i've never seen it actually, but i hear good things. anyway the tv upstairs wasn't working and i called cox and they sent a cable guy pronto because that's how i roll. i own cox. that sounded terrible. and cox sent the cable guy the next day which was today, but i digress. i was having a talk with my bro, kevin and we always have cool conversations about God and life. we were talking about fasting and cookies and freaks and geeks. earlier we talked about how God works in our lives through people and how great He really is so i should've expected what happened today. i was almost done with another episode of freaks and geeks until the doorbell rang and my dog started yapping. i answered with the dog in my arms and it turns out to be an asian dude. the first thing i notice is his tattoo, i tell him i gotta put the dog away so i put him in my room. i get back to the cable guy, point out the problem with the cable box, and he asks me if i'm korean. i say yea. and the most interesting convo i've ever had with a stranger ensues. i'll probably fill in the details later, but i was blessed in a way and also struck with fear. the dude's name was paul and i know God sent him here for something. other than fixing my cable. but for now i must run.
::update::
he asked me if i was korean and i say yea. i ask him and he says hes korean too. cool, i thought, but not uncommon. he asks if the tv downstairs in the basement works and i say my dad was watching it but it stopped working. so we go downstairs and the tv is fine. it works. he points to my guitar and asks if i play. i say i dabble. he looks at the song i'm trying to learn: bold as love. jimi hendrix? he asks. tough song i say, its real hard, i can't really play it. we go back upstairs and i ask him if he wants anything to drink. he says anything cold, so i get a bottle of water. he says thanks and goes on talking about his guitar and how it's tough to play. the sounds, the tone, its hard, man, he says. that's all i did for 6 months, everyday i'd rip movies and try to learn some riffs and pentatonics. i say that's good, pentatonics are all you need to solo. he goes back to his van to get something. i stay busy coiling up the vacuum cord. he comes back with another cable box and a small laptop. he sets it up and i wait. your parents hardcore christians? he asks pointing to the cross on my couch. my uncle was painting the living room and everything had to be taken down from the walls. the wooden cross was sitting up on the couch in front of the tv. i say yea we're christians. i ask him, what about you. he chuckles and says his parents aren't christians, well they don't follow the path of Christ, but they go to church. i say yea thats the story with a lot of koreans around here. we go into this conversation about koreans and the church. he says I don't believe in the church. i mean i believe in Christ, i'm a Christian, but the church is a man made thing. i notice some profanities as he speaks, but i don't mind. maybe he's just passionate about what he believes. we talk about the youth. he mentions jama, a christian conference up in pennsylvania. i say i heard of it. my friend went to volunteer for it. well it turns out so did he. his aunt and uncle were pastors up there and his cousin was a youth pastor and he went to help him out. he talks about how the kids don't know what's going on. that the same message is spoken about how you're all worthless and you're no good and Jesus died for you. i agree and say i grew up in the church and as a kid when people tell you you're a sinner and Jesus died for you, you don't know what it means. he agrees completely. he talks about how he told his kids in his group at jama to not listen to a certain speaker, that it was bs. he goes into how we need to teach kids how to live. how to fight, how to deal in certain situations. i disagree with some of the things he says, but i don't say it. he talks about how he met a pastor and how he turned out to be the son of the guy who runs jama. he talks about how the pastor he met requested prayer on the same topics that he spoke to the pastor about, the same things he was talking to me about. i say that's God working. he says yea, man. he finishes with the cable. the tv works now. i walk him out and he introduces himself, paul. i'm ryan, i say. nice to meet you man. i say i'll see you around, God bless. he says bye, he doesn't say God bless back.
i realize that God wanted that conversation to happen. i saw that cross on the couch the day before. and i had an urge to put it somewhere else because it was just taking space on the couch. but i didn't. i left it right where it was. that conversation happened because God wanted it to. maybe i'll see paul again, or maybe that conversation was enough for him to start something else. maybe God wanted me to love my neighbor. maybe God wanted me to learn something. i don't have answers. i have questions. why is the most frequent question on my mind. i realize that everything is part of a bigger picture. it's all part of the plan. i used to come up with false revelations to make myself feel better, by answering questions i had that i felt God wouldn't answer. now i'm ok with not having answers. i'm fine knowing that God is in control. i know God will let me know when He wants me to and that i can't make myself grow more than i can make a plant grow. i can say that God is humbling me, that God wants me to love more, that God wants me to do this and that. but God has spoken. God will just us remind us if we forget. if you look in the Bible God didn't give out revelations like they were free samples. also people didn't change overnight. i've struggled with this. telling myself that this was what God was trying to say, all these little nuggets of "wisdom". i'm just waking up to everything around me. God wants me to love Him, love people. and in doing that i know one day i'll look back wondering how i got to that point, how i've changed. but we all have the choice, for better or for worse. hard or easy. right or wrong. i'll look at the cross. that helps.
::update::
he asked me if i was korean and i say yea. i ask him and he says hes korean too. cool, i thought, but not uncommon. he asks if the tv downstairs in the basement works and i say my dad was watching it but it stopped working. so we go downstairs and the tv is fine. it works. he points to my guitar and asks if i play. i say i dabble. he looks at the song i'm trying to learn: bold as love. jimi hendrix? he asks. tough song i say, its real hard, i can't really play it. we go back upstairs and i ask him if he wants anything to drink. he says anything cold, so i get a bottle of water. he says thanks and goes on talking about his guitar and how it's tough to play. the sounds, the tone, its hard, man, he says. that's all i did for 6 months, everyday i'd rip movies and try to learn some riffs and pentatonics. i say that's good, pentatonics are all you need to solo. he goes back to his van to get something. i stay busy coiling up the vacuum cord. he comes back with another cable box and a small laptop. he sets it up and i wait. your parents hardcore christians? he asks pointing to the cross on my couch. my uncle was painting the living room and everything had to be taken down from the walls. the wooden cross was sitting up on the couch in front of the tv. i say yea we're christians. i ask him, what about you. he chuckles and says his parents aren't christians, well they don't follow the path of Christ, but they go to church. i say yea thats the story with a lot of koreans around here. we go into this conversation about koreans and the church. he says I don't believe in the church. i mean i believe in Christ, i'm a Christian, but the church is a man made thing. i notice some profanities as he speaks, but i don't mind. maybe he's just passionate about what he believes. we talk about the youth. he mentions jama, a christian conference up in pennsylvania. i say i heard of it. my friend went to volunteer for it. well it turns out so did he. his aunt and uncle were pastors up there and his cousin was a youth pastor and he went to help him out. he talks about how the kids don't know what's going on. that the same message is spoken about how you're all worthless and you're no good and Jesus died for you. i agree and say i grew up in the church and as a kid when people tell you you're a sinner and Jesus died for you, you don't know what it means. he agrees completely. he talks about how he told his kids in his group at jama to not listen to a certain speaker, that it was bs. he goes into how we need to teach kids how to live. how to fight, how to deal in certain situations. i disagree with some of the things he says, but i don't say it. he talks about how he met a pastor and how he turned out to be the son of the guy who runs jama. he talks about how the pastor he met requested prayer on the same topics that he spoke to the pastor about, the same things he was talking to me about. i say that's God working. he says yea, man. he finishes with the cable. the tv works now. i walk him out and he introduces himself, paul. i'm ryan, i say. nice to meet you man. i say i'll see you around, God bless. he says bye, he doesn't say God bless back.
i realize that God wanted that conversation to happen. i saw that cross on the couch the day before. and i had an urge to put it somewhere else because it was just taking space on the couch. but i didn't. i left it right where it was. that conversation happened because God wanted it to. maybe i'll see paul again, or maybe that conversation was enough for him to start something else. maybe God wanted me to love my neighbor. maybe God wanted me to learn something. i don't have answers. i have questions. why is the most frequent question on my mind. i realize that everything is part of a bigger picture. it's all part of the plan. i used to come up with false revelations to make myself feel better, by answering questions i had that i felt God wouldn't answer. now i'm ok with not having answers. i'm fine knowing that God is in control. i know God will let me know when He wants me to and that i can't make myself grow more than i can make a plant grow. i can say that God is humbling me, that God wants me to love more, that God wants me to do this and that. but God has spoken. God will just us remind us if we forget. if you look in the Bible God didn't give out revelations like they were free samples. also people didn't change overnight. i've struggled with this. telling myself that this was what God was trying to say, all these little nuggets of "wisdom". i'm just waking up to everything around me. God wants me to love Him, love people. and in doing that i know one day i'll look back wondering how i got to that point, how i've changed. but we all have the choice, for better or for worse. hard or easy. right or wrong. i'll look at the cross. that helps.
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
realize
no this isn't about colbie caillat's song, but yes she is very pretty and talented. anyway if you just realized what i just realized... just kidding.
i realized that i'm a loser. not a loser in the typical sense. i mean i am a loser in the sense of unathletic, doesn't try hard enough, wastes time, feels sorry for himself sometimes, doesn't have a girlfriend, whose highlight of the summer will be watching The Dark Knight in Imax and then some. i am a loser on the outside, but i am a loser on the inside. the outer loser doesn't care. the inner loser cares about becoming nothing. i don't want to die on the inside. but i am. my sins are catching up with me. these past few years are catching up with me. i'm only getting older. and i have no direction. i'll pray. for forgiveness and then some. but i will keep praying. and waiting. but i am anxious. patience is hard to attain for me. the years i've wasted, doing nothing, self-pity, passiveness, what do i do to get out. to escape the cycle. i'm scared of not knowing what to do after breaking out. maybe that's why i keep sinning even though i don't want to or need to. gotta take risks don't i? depend on God. let's do it.
i realized that i'm a loser. not a loser in the typical sense. i mean i am a loser in the sense of unathletic, doesn't try hard enough, wastes time, feels sorry for himself sometimes, doesn't have a girlfriend, whose highlight of the summer will be watching The Dark Knight in Imax and then some. i am a loser on the outside, but i am a loser on the inside. the outer loser doesn't care. the inner loser cares about becoming nothing. i don't want to die on the inside. but i am. my sins are catching up with me. these past few years are catching up with me. i'm only getting older. and i have no direction. i'll pray. for forgiveness and then some. but i will keep praying. and waiting. but i am anxious. patience is hard to attain for me. the years i've wasted, doing nothing, self-pity, passiveness, what do i do to get out. to escape the cycle. i'm scared of not knowing what to do after breaking out. maybe that's why i keep sinning even though i don't want to or need to. gotta take risks don't i? depend on God. let's do it.
Monday, July 7, 2008
colorquiz.com
Ryan's Existing Situation
- Is seeking a solution to existing problems or anxieties, but is liable to find it difficult to decide on a right course to follow.
Ryan's Stress Sources
- Wishes to be independent, unhampered, and free from any limitation or restriction, other than those which he imposes of himself or by his own choice and decision.
Ryan's Restrained Characteristics
- Feels that he cannot do much about his existing problems and difficulties and that he must make the best of things as they are. Able to achieve satisfaction through sexual activity.
Egocentric and therefore quick to take offense. Able to obtain physical satisfaction from sexual activity but tends to hold aloof emotionally.
Ryan's Desired Objective
- Strives for a life rich in activity and experience, and for a close bond offering sexual and emotional fulfillment.
Ryan's Actual Problem
Fights against restriction or limitation, and insists on developing freely as a result of his own efforts.i took this for fun, but was surprised and freaked out by the accurate tellings. i don't know what to think of this. i feel kind of sad, really. haha. but God is here, so i got no worries.
Thursday, July 3, 2008
failure
i've always been afraid of failure.
failure at being cool. at athletics.
at being good looking. these were
all superficial and i don't really
care much about them as i used to.
but now i find myself scared to fail
at life. at love. at being a person.
God i am scared to death. i'm scared
to die for love, for hope, for this faith
that millions have died for.
i am so scared that i have limited myself
to things that i can do without much effort.
and when i fail i just say i wasn't trying.
that i'll do better next time. that i'll soak in
more information about this and that
and next time. next time i'll be ready.
i'll be so strong and courageous and
perfect. but i'm never stronger.
i am full of fear. flawed. i don't try
my best for fear that my best won't
be enough. even though i know
my best can never be enough.
my self-pity is the worst. when i feel
sorry for myself, i am already defeated.
i don't even try at all. i don't even hope
for anything to come rescue me because
i know that nothing will. because the one
in the way is me. i am afraid to let in
the pain, the suffering that accompanies
failure.
but i have to. i have to let failure and its
friends destroy me, shake me, break me
so that i can be molded into something
better. someone stronger. God i feel
weaker than ever. i am scared more
than ever. but i know that this is
necessary. that i need this more than
anything else right now.
my only hope is that i do what is right.
that i won't sin despite pain. that i won't
fall however weak i get. i hope i fight
the easy way out which is no way out
at all. facing failure is the only escape
from myself. and when i escape i will
see Your face realizing that You were
here all along.
failure at being cool. at athletics.
at being good looking. these were
all superficial and i don't really
care much about them as i used to.
but now i find myself scared to fail
at life. at love. at being a person.
God i am scared to death. i'm scared
to die for love, for hope, for this faith
that millions have died for.
i am so scared that i have limited myself
to things that i can do without much effort.
and when i fail i just say i wasn't trying.
that i'll do better next time. that i'll soak in
more information about this and that
and next time. next time i'll be ready.
i'll be so strong and courageous and
perfect. but i'm never stronger.
i am full of fear. flawed. i don't try
my best for fear that my best won't
be enough. even though i know
my best can never be enough.
my self-pity is the worst. when i feel
sorry for myself, i am already defeated.
i don't even try at all. i don't even hope
for anything to come rescue me because
i know that nothing will. because the one
in the way is me. i am afraid to let in
the pain, the suffering that accompanies
failure.
but i have to. i have to let failure and its
friends destroy me, shake me, break me
so that i can be molded into something
better. someone stronger. God i feel
weaker than ever. i am scared more
than ever. but i know that this is
necessary. that i need this more than
anything else right now.
my only hope is that i do what is right.
that i won't sin despite pain. that i won't
fall however weak i get. i hope i fight
the easy way out which is no way out
at all. facing failure is the only escape
from myself. and when i escape i will
see Your face realizing that You were
here all along.
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
porn
i don't know what i was thinking. i really wonder if i even know what love is or if i actually like a girl for who she is and not who she is in my fantasies. for me i daydream and fantasize a lot before i fall asleep. i think of marriage. i don't think of white dresses, doves, or anything like that. i think about being with someone and enjoying just being close. like every other man my thoughts get the best of me and they go towards thoughts that i'm not proud of, but i imagine what it would be like to actually be with someone that enjoys being with you. no awkwardness, no fidgeting, and no galloping towards each other in a field with that cliche love music in the background. just me and her holding each other up. i think about the physicality of it all. and the emotional security that that physicality provides in someone. then i realize that this isn't what i'm supposed to be doing. i realize that this is porn. this is porn in my mind. i'm just getting my hopes up. yes porn is porn in the real world with all its graphic depictions, and that is something i will get over God willing, but this porn in my mind is something entirely different and yet it isn't really. to the core i'm just stimulating my desires even more with these thoughts. emotionally and spiritually i am ruining myself with these fantasies. and i know i need to stop. i want to. it's not as easy as i would like it. but without my physical, emotional, or spiritual states in the right. i, as a person, am failing. i am missing God's big picture. i am dying. God is smart. smarter than i know and more real than i lead myself to believe. so i give up. i give it all up. all my burdens and my heavy load. i hope for healing and for rest. God just say the Word and i'll be healed.
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