i'm having this mental block. this barrier that i can't seem to let go or get through or break. i just want to breathe but i can't even do that. i think. i constantly think about everything. i think about thinking. maybe it's satan's attempt to get me to fall backwards. to get me to my old ways again. but i want to move on. to new.
my old ways were denying me. i was listening to people all around me, but i wasn't really hearing Him, i was hearing them. i was told all these things and i tried to do them, but it shouldn't have been me doing in the first place. i was blind and deaf and i wasn't understanding. but all fingers pointed to You. now i'm ruined. nothing can stand in comparison to You.
so i find myself beginning a journey. of seeking on my own. walking and living out my own story in His light. i still have troubles, i still have questions, but that doesn't matter anymore. i don't want to worry about what others say unless it brings me closer to You. but now i know i must seek You alone. without anyone telling me how it is, just You guiding me into new.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Friday, January 22, 2010
i hear a lot about living under grace. i've been hearing that lately and asking to do that in my prayers, to live under grace. but i'm not sure exactly what it means. i can't really say i know what grace is by definition. i think i know what grace is not and maybe from there i can conclude something definite.
grace isn't something that you take advantage of and use to your selfish gain. i think a lot of people do this and i used to as well. we say God will forgive me and we do whatever we want. i don't believe that grace is that. if it was we'd have murderers, rapists, and thieves out here while we locked ourselves away in an upstate prison. there isn't a supply of grace that we get every year to use sparingly. it's more of a second chance, grace is a gift.
grace also isn't limited. we say God gave me a second chance, so i can't screw up anymore. but we do and we destroy ourselves. i've been there too. if that was true, grace would be the leading cause of preventable death in the country. everyone would be killing themselves out of fear of screwing up again. grace isn't just one "get out of jail free" card. it's a lifetime of bail outs that we will need. grace is freedom.
grace is a free gift. so, why do i have so much trouble forgiving myself, why do i feel sometimes i'm on my way to hell, why do i have trouble accepting grace, of living under it. i sinned today. i know i will sin again, but today i was filled with grief and horror and wanted to be punished to be justified. i kept telling myself of grace, of living under it, of love. i wondered what love looked like, what grace looked like. and i kept telling myself that Christ on the cross was it. i told myself it was a cliche and doubted, i wanted a feeling, some emotion to help me get through. but the more i thought about it, it made sense. Christ on the cross. died for my sins. forgave all my sins. to give me grace to move on. so that i don't have to suffer. so that i can be different from the rest. grace is making me new.
grace isn't something that you take advantage of and use to your selfish gain. i think a lot of people do this and i used to as well. we say God will forgive me and we do whatever we want. i don't believe that grace is that. if it was we'd have murderers, rapists, and thieves out here while we locked ourselves away in an upstate prison. there isn't a supply of grace that we get every year to use sparingly. it's more of a second chance, grace is a gift.
grace also isn't limited. we say God gave me a second chance, so i can't screw up anymore. but we do and we destroy ourselves. i've been there too. if that was true, grace would be the leading cause of preventable death in the country. everyone would be killing themselves out of fear of screwing up again. grace isn't just one "get out of jail free" card. it's a lifetime of bail outs that we will need. grace is freedom.
grace is a free gift. so, why do i have so much trouble forgiving myself, why do i feel sometimes i'm on my way to hell, why do i have trouble accepting grace, of living under it. i sinned today. i know i will sin again, but today i was filled with grief and horror and wanted to be punished to be justified. i kept telling myself of grace, of living under it, of love. i wondered what love looked like, what grace looked like. and i kept telling myself that Christ on the cross was it. i told myself it was a cliche and doubted, i wanted a feeling, some emotion to help me get through. but the more i thought about it, it made sense. Christ on the cross. died for my sins. forgave all my sins. to give me grace to move on. so that i don't have to suffer. so that i can be different from the rest. grace is making me new.
Monday, January 11, 2010
a time for pain
6 weeks. that's how long i've been in pain. every morning, afternoon, and night has been slightly uncomfortable to excruciating and the pain doesn't seem to be letting up. about 3 months ago i injured my lower back. after a game of basketball i went back to my cozy apartment hoping to enjoy a hot glass of cocoa while watching a movie on the projector. as soon as i bent over i felt a sharp pain in my lower back and i found that i couldn't bend or move i normally could. i'm no gymnast, but sitting down without groaning in pain and bending my back were things i used to be pretty good at. i put some icy hot on my back and hoped for the best. my back got better slowly over time, but i decided to go back home and get acupuncture to speed up the recovery. i went back and got 3 sessions of sweet needle sticking and suction cupping (for the bad blood) and i was almost 100% without pain. it was great. it was a miracle. it was really Asian. so i went back to school feeling fine, but had some discomfort in my legs. the concept behind acupuncture is to bring the pain out, so the pain in my lower back was moving down my legs to go out through my feet? i think. i'm still not sure, but like an idiot i went back to what i loved to do, which is being manly. and what do manly men do? go back to lifting really heavy weights to impress girls and boys alike.
i wanted to see if i could deadlift what i could before, so i could prove to myself that all that time wasted in the gym wasn't about to go to waste. i did what i had hoped to do, but not without sacrifice. as the days went on, pain in my legs started to get increasingly worse. sharp pain would go down my left leg whenever i sat down on my toilet. sorry for the image. weeks went by without it getting better. i thought it was bad circulation and put my feet in warm water, but it didn't really help. i walked around with the pain like a bleeding wound that no one could see, but i felt. i immediately thought of acupuncture. the promise of instant relief gave me hope, so i dealt with the pain any way i could. i hit my leg to numb the pain, i tried to ignore it hoping it would go away as if my unresponsiveness would bore it into leaving me alone. nothing worked and the pain worsened as i walked, as i woke up every morning to find the same gnawing pain in my leg, and as i woke up a little bit more hopeless every day.
i went home and received the acupuncture treatment i so desired. my mom called the acupuncturist and told her about my condition; she laughed and told me to come if i wanted. i went and explained my pain. she stuck needles in me, but this time i felt no instant relief. i walked out feeling the same. feeling more hopeless. the pain remained and i did not want to waste more money on a treatment that didn't work. then i got a phonecall from my awesome mentor/medical advisor/brother kevin lee and i was pretty stoked to go eat with him. we enjoyed a nice indian lunch buffet while the pain nagged at me reminding me that it was still very real and present. we ate and talked and i held back from getting a 3rd plate that most likely would've put me to sleep. i told him about my symptoms and he said that i had a herniated disc, although not a severe case. the pain in my legs was because the disc was pinching a nerve in my back which connected to my legs. it was called sciatica. well, now i knew my enemy's name. he told me to go google and find exercises to do to treat my back. i had hope again, so i went home to google this pain away.
i found exercises that were painful for me to do. i felt my back bone crack into place, but the pain was still there, but at least there was something i could do now. i went to get acupuncture at a different place. my aunt recommended him to my mother, so i went with my mom and dad hoping for instant relief. i wondered what was different about this man's methods that made him better. i soon found out. painfully. he stuck needles in places that i didn't expect. my wrist, middle finger, foot, arm, and the area between my nose and upper lip. he stuck one in my wrist and twisted it until i hissed in pain. he then grabbed the needles in my arm and above my upper lip and said this was going to hurt. he told me to move my hips in a motion that would stretch my lower back as he twisted the needles. it hurt. a lot. but it got better because i could feel my back loosen up a little. at the end i was glad i went. i was supposed to go again, but i figured it'd be fine. he told me to rest my back and take it easy for a while. that translated to me as: don't exercise, but it's totally cool if you want to go out and eat and drink beer. he actually told me to stop drinking beer because he said that it was bad for my large intestine and he pointed at my acne ridden face saying that it was connected to my large intestine. i appreciated the advice, but i took it with a grain of salt.
i went out and drank and ate and the pain got worse and worse. i went back to the acupuncturist and he said my back was really swollen because i hadn't rested. fantastic. i'm an idiot. so i go home and i do absolutely nothing. but its good for my back, so i don't complain. i ice the back, eat, get fat, and do it all over again. my mom is concerned and she wants me to get an x-ray. she sets up an appointment at the chiropractors. i go and i get bad news. my spine is tilting to the left because my muscle spasms are pulling it that way. i have a disc problem between my L4 and L5 bones. he puts me through a series of tests and then he puts me through a series of massaging. after that, he twists me and cracks my bones to "relieve the symptoms." i'm grateful, but still in pain and i go home. the pain is now in my right leg and it's worse off than before. i can't bend over, i can't make any sudden movements, i get muscle spasms in my butt and leg and all i can do is wait out the pain, i can't squat or even sit without a pain attack. my mom says not to go back to the chiropractor because the acupuncturist said its just going to put me through more pain and money since i don't have insurance. i wish i knew that before. i wish i didn't take x-ray. i wish i didn't waste 130 on that torture doctor they call a chiropractor. i wish that i didn't feel knifes in my legs and butt every time i made a sudden move. i wish i never deadlifted that fateful day in november. i wish i wasn't in pain.
where does that leave me? i was feeling hopeless as i was told that the recovery was going to take a long time. i couldn't imagine a pain free day anytime soon. i felt depressed. my dad spoke up and said there are times in life when you're going to be in pain and times when you're not, don't despair.
and i haven't. this has actually turned out for my benefit. i've been spending time by myself, with God, taking things slow. sleeping early, waking up early. i've spent my mornings and afternoons with a beautiful girl gracious enough to visit me in my misery. we talk about our pasts, our sins, our future, God, and us. i find myself falling deeper and deeper and find myself being consumed by thoughts of her. and i realize that this isn't so bad.
there's a time and season for everything. a time for pain. i don't know when this time will end. but i hope that now is the time to heal. a time for love. and i know that there is no better way than to begin like this.
i wanted to see if i could deadlift what i could before, so i could prove to myself that all that time wasted in the gym wasn't about to go to waste. i did what i had hoped to do, but not without sacrifice. as the days went on, pain in my legs started to get increasingly worse. sharp pain would go down my left leg whenever i sat down on my toilet. sorry for the image. weeks went by without it getting better. i thought it was bad circulation and put my feet in warm water, but it didn't really help. i walked around with the pain like a bleeding wound that no one could see, but i felt. i immediately thought of acupuncture. the promise of instant relief gave me hope, so i dealt with the pain any way i could. i hit my leg to numb the pain, i tried to ignore it hoping it would go away as if my unresponsiveness would bore it into leaving me alone. nothing worked and the pain worsened as i walked, as i woke up every morning to find the same gnawing pain in my leg, and as i woke up a little bit more hopeless every day.
i went home and received the acupuncture treatment i so desired. my mom called the acupuncturist and told her about my condition; she laughed and told me to come if i wanted. i went and explained my pain. she stuck needles in me, but this time i felt no instant relief. i walked out feeling the same. feeling more hopeless. the pain remained and i did not want to waste more money on a treatment that didn't work. then i got a phonecall from my awesome mentor/medical advisor/brother kevin lee and i was pretty stoked to go eat with him. we enjoyed a nice indian lunch buffet while the pain nagged at me reminding me that it was still very real and present. we ate and talked and i held back from getting a 3rd plate that most likely would've put me to sleep. i told him about my symptoms and he said that i had a herniated disc, although not a severe case. the pain in my legs was because the disc was pinching a nerve in my back which connected to my legs. it was called sciatica. well, now i knew my enemy's name. he told me to go google and find exercises to do to treat my back. i had hope again, so i went home to google this pain away.
i found exercises that were painful for me to do. i felt my back bone crack into place, but the pain was still there, but at least there was something i could do now. i went to get acupuncture at a different place. my aunt recommended him to my mother, so i went with my mom and dad hoping for instant relief. i wondered what was different about this man's methods that made him better. i soon found out. painfully. he stuck needles in places that i didn't expect. my wrist, middle finger, foot, arm, and the area between my nose and upper lip. he stuck one in my wrist and twisted it until i hissed in pain. he then grabbed the needles in my arm and above my upper lip and said this was going to hurt. he told me to move my hips in a motion that would stretch my lower back as he twisted the needles. it hurt. a lot. but it got better because i could feel my back loosen up a little. at the end i was glad i went. i was supposed to go again, but i figured it'd be fine. he told me to rest my back and take it easy for a while. that translated to me as: don't exercise, but it's totally cool if you want to go out and eat and drink beer. he actually told me to stop drinking beer because he said that it was bad for my large intestine and he pointed at my acne ridden face saying that it was connected to my large intestine. i appreciated the advice, but i took it with a grain of salt.
i went out and drank and ate and the pain got worse and worse. i went back to the acupuncturist and he said my back was really swollen because i hadn't rested. fantastic. i'm an idiot. so i go home and i do absolutely nothing. but its good for my back, so i don't complain. i ice the back, eat, get fat, and do it all over again. my mom is concerned and she wants me to get an x-ray. she sets up an appointment at the chiropractors. i go and i get bad news. my spine is tilting to the left because my muscle spasms are pulling it that way. i have a disc problem between my L4 and L5 bones. he puts me through a series of tests and then he puts me through a series of massaging. after that, he twists me and cracks my bones to "relieve the symptoms." i'm grateful, but still in pain and i go home. the pain is now in my right leg and it's worse off than before. i can't bend over, i can't make any sudden movements, i get muscle spasms in my butt and leg and all i can do is wait out the pain, i can't squat or even sit without a pain attack. my mom says not to go back to the chiropractor because the acupuncturist said its just going to put me through more pain and money since i don't have insurance. i wish i knew that before. i wish i didn't take x-ray. i wish i didn't waste 130 on that torture doctor they call a chiropractor. i wish that i didn't feel knifes in my legs and butt every time i made a sudden move. i wish i never deadlifted that fateful day in november. i wish i wasn't in pain.
where does that leave me? i was feeling hopeless as i was told that the recovery was going to take a long time. i couldn't imagine a pain free day anytime soon. i felt depressed. my dad spoke up and said there are times in life when you're going to be in pain and times when you're not, don't despair.
and i haven't. this has actually turned out for my benefit. i've been spending time by myself, with God, taking things slow. sleeping early, waking up early. i've spent my mornings and afternoons with a beautiful girl gracious enough to visit me in my misery. we talk about our pasts, our sins, our future, God, and us. i find myself falling deeper and deeper and find myself being consumed by thoughts of her. and i realize that this isn't so bad.
there's a time and season for everything. a time for pain. i don't know when this time will end. but i hope that now is the time to heal. a time for love. and i know that there is no better way than to begin like this.
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