struggle

what happens after the struggle. everyone has a struggle that they've overcome or are overcoming or are losing to.

the most obvious one is money. people work because no one has all the money they could desire. a lot of people spend their entire lives working for money. forget your boss, your parents, your God. you work for money. enough to retire on. enough to buy that car. enough to send your kids to college. enough to eat. what happens after all that.

you used to have a purpose. money gave that to you, now you've got enough to die on.

i'm like that guy from Office Space. i just want to do nothing. i'd probably be the guy version of Paris Hilton or Kim Kardashian if i had a wealthy family. i'd probably want the attention and fame, too because i need to have some kind of goal, however vain it may be. but if i got rich right now, i'd do nothing. buy a cabin up in the mountains, eat out all the time, write sometimes if i felt like being productive, play video games, watch movies, exercise, read, and do it all over again.

God had a good reason for giving us a ultimatum between Him and money. with money, i'd have no struggle and no desire to grow. i'd be the same person getting older and finding hobbies to spend money on. maybe the greatest sin of having money is what it does to you. it makes you lazy. it makes us content in the wrong thing and it takes away from what God wants to do with us. we don't want ultimatums, we don't want struggles, we just want to have what we want when we want it.

the more i think about it, the more i realize that there's no true joy here. we spend hours watching internet videos, films, shows wishing that we could have the same attention that we give them.

our wires are screwed up. we don't see the big picture. we don't imagine Heaven and the joy that it contains. we even use God as a slot machine to get our way and when we don't, we move on to the next one hoping that we'll hit the jackpot.

we need the struggle. we've just chosen the wrong one.

i don't think i have writer's block, but i've lost the will to really write or wonder about things. i mean i still do, sometimes. but, i don't have that zone that i would get into to write. the world seemed so complicated and i was so eager to figure everything out. now, the world seems so plain to me. i don't want to figure it out because i can't.

from this time last year, i think i've lost a lot of faith. or maybe i've cut away the fat from the meat and it turns out that there wasn't much meat to start out with. starting from that, i feel that i'm starting from scratch. all of my deep issues have risen to the surface. i've tried my best to ignore them. my issues with love, acceptance, forgiveness, faith have all bubbled up and i've filled my time doing work, playing games, watching tv, anything to escape the reality of dealing with these things.

the truth is that i never truly believed that God loves me, i never could accept myself therefore i believed God rejected me, Jesus died for me but i couldn't believe that He was enough for my forgiveness, and faith, i had faith in myself, not Him.

Lord Jesus, i let go.