higher

i remember this dark, green radiator hidden behind a giant oak tree in front of the apartments i used to live in when i was a kid. it was probably only 7 or 8 feet tall, but when you're a 3 or 4 foot kid it's a climb. i used whatever nook i could find on this radiator to get my hands on the edge of the top and pull myself up with the little upper body strength i had. before climbing i would imagine what lay up there, so high above me. i wondered if there would be a chair waiting for me or a secret treasure that only i could find, something to reward my efforts because on the ground i was just a dreamer. but if i went higher i would be what happens when dreams come true. i would be happily ever after, i would be a king, i would be content. i climbed up this radiator to get away from wishful gazing, to be off the ground, to be closer to the dream, to be higher. i remember reaching the top and taking a look around. the top was decorated in fall leaves and dirt from other kids' shoes who had climbed before me. i crawled away from the edge to be closer to the heart of the radiator and i sat down. i wasn't disappointed, in fact, i was quite joyful. there was no treasure or chair waiting for me. there was no pat on the back or praise from the radiator or the trees surrounding me. just me breathing in the cool air as i stared into the branches, leaves, nature around and above me. i had done what i set out to do. i had climbed higher and was where i wanted to be. and that was enough. i was content.

i wonder why i want this so badly.
to feel and be felt. i tell myself
i want to be free from this fire,
my desire, but i go back to it
because i think i need it. maybe
i do. then after i tell myself
i want to be free. i am free.
but i am free from touch in this
touchless world and i want
to go back. but i want to be free
from the touch of my mind.
the illusion of my fantasy.
i need to feel.

when i am done
i sober up and
i see things as
they are
as they should be
but before and during
i am lost in what
could be and what cannot
and i wonder why
i want this so badly.

forgive/forget

how can i repay,
compensate,
relieve this
burden on
my shoulders.
i walk with a
heavy heart
worried if bad
luck will follow
me until my
debt is paid.
how can i get
up from this
guilt that
will crush me.
will i be overcome
by evil or
overcome by evil.
fire with fire.
because sometimes
all i can see is
the evil in me.
and i feel that
i have ruined everything
for me.
but nothing else matters
except You.
i need You.
i need Your mercy.
i'm forgetting my
forgiveness.
i need Your forgiveness.
i find that i cannot carry
on without it.

trying

that is all that i am.
i try to live, to love,
to hate evil, to seek
justice. when will
i be? love, seek, live as
i am supposed to.
when will i be human?
to be who i was
created to be.