hunger

i always want to read new books. even when someone buys me new books, i have a desire to go to the bookstore and devour even newer ones. i want sit all day in that bookstore and eat up the greatest literature, ancient and contemporary. but therein lies my problem.

i want to devour. not read, not learn, but consume.

i have this hunger and it's to complete something. to completely be done with something. i've never been a finisher. never beaten a video game on my own (thanks cheatcc.com), never mastered an instrument or a genre of music, never written anything as complete as i wanted it to be. to be more specific, i have a desire to completely own and finish something and on a grander scale than one could imagine.

i want to watch every great film ever made, to master every note and nuance of jazz guitar, to read every single masterpiece ever written, to be really amazing in just one thing.

of course, i've thought of putting in the work. and then i change my mind.

the hunger subsides and then it comes back when i feel i can satisfy it.

my hunger is satisfied by my imagination and fantasies. dreams of success, of living a comfortable life with hardly a struggle. i fantasize about writing, but never revising. i fantasize about the critical success, but never what it takes to get there.

i think about how no one's ever gotten full off of thinking about a hamburger or pizza.

i think about how hungry i'm going to be when i wake up from all these delusions and i can't wait to try again. only this time i won't get lost in the dreams, i'll be set in reality.

dear Preacher,

please forgive me, for i did not know what i was doing.

i didn't see you for who you really were.

you are a man of God. a messenger, a shepherd, a counselor.

but i didn't see you as that. rather, i saw you as an entertainer, a comedian, a public speaker.

and when you didn't fulfill my expectations, i was disappointed. i called you a boring preacher with nothing insightful to say, even though i never took the time to carefully listen to your words.

you spoke what God wanted you to every Sunday and every Sunday many failed to listen. many were lost in sleep, daydreams, whispers and i was one of them. lost in my own world, trying to figure out my own problems while you were speaking the answers to me. i tried to pay attention in my later years and found that there was wisdom flowing into my ears. gold into my mind.

i am sorry.

i was one of the many who did not care about you or what you preached. i left to seek another preacher who would preach in a way that i desired. i came back and found that i was deaf before and all i had to do to hear was to listen.

forgive me, Preacher. for what it's worth, i am sorry. and now, i am listening.

the root

when i think about all the art in the world. paintings, sculptures, poetry, fiction, film, music, i'm struck by how many people appreciate these things in a supernatural way. i can't explain what about a painting makes me think. i can't explain why i am moved by certain music. i can't explain my love for film in any myriad of words. but i can tell you the obvious. art is beautiful and it is crafted with passion, and the world is better because of it.

but when i ponder at the root of it all. the purpose in the pencil, the brush, the camera, the guitar, or the chisel, i realize that without a root, it's all meaningless. beauty for beauty's sake means nothing, unless it points to something greater. just as art means something, the beauty in art means something as well. the sights that have taken your breath away, the tears you cried from laughing at a scene, the woman that commands your love, your loyalty. these are all a shadow of what is real, of the spiritual. c.s. lewis said it best, "You don't have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body."

we are creators just like the Creator, who has given us that ability, but unless we use the creativity he has given us for His Kingdom and glory, it is all meaningless, a chasing after the wind.

i don't mean to take away the beauty of art in this world. it's beautiful and will always be beautiful, but it will ultimately be in vain.

let us humbly surrender ourselves to Him, who is able to do much with the little we have.

we have tried our best to shape ourselves. we have tried in order to obtain joy or what we would hope give us joy, but to no avail. let go.

let Him mold you and shape you. it will be hard and painful at times, but we will come out joyful and happier than we could have ever dreamed of. in order to truly create, to truly be an artist, we must surrender the artist within us to Him.

as He takes what we give Him, we will find that now we are truly free to create. and for the right reasons. in order to point to the great glory of Jesus Christ. His Spirit will be Your muse, but much more than that. we will find that He is our God. as we write, paint, shoot, play we find that He is the One who has given us this ability in the first place and that when we created without purpose, we were not creating at all.

by His grace, He becomes the reason for your craft. He becomes the reason why you continue to challenge yourself and excel in your craft. soon His hands become the guide, the root to all of your creation and that brings you joy. no longer will you accept glory for your work because you are not your own. you were bought at a price. your sole desire is to know Him and to make Him known.

this is our end. the Creator creating us to create for Him. He is the artist that has painted many other painters into existence, who would continue the creation of colorful, splotchy, expressive portraits that He so mercifully started in us.

ambitions

i used to want to be a car designer.

didn't know anything about cars except the names of a select few sports cars that i stored in my mind, just in case if someone asked me what my favorite cars were. i learned that lesson the hard way when my friend asked me what my favorite car was and i blurted out the durango, which was the most recent car commercial i had seen. my friend proceeded to question my taste in cars and i started doing some research from then on.

i don't know what made me want to be a car designer. i couldn't even draw. my mom made me take art classes twice a week back in elementary school because she was concerned about my ability to only draw stick figures. even after the art classes my skills went from horrible to average, probably near the bottom average right above where i used to be.

it never occurred to me to pursue a job where my talents lied. i grew up with little money and that led me to desire a lucrative job. bruce wayne was my hero. tony stark was my back up hero. my mother told me to pray to be like king david, but i wanted to be like solomon, the richest and smartest dude ever. i quickly lost my desire to become a car designer. i really didn't know what to become. high school came and went, but at least i discovered what i enjoyed. film and writing about it. there was one small thing about it that made me hesitant to pursue a major in communications: the money. of lack thereof.

4/16 happened. made me question my purpose. juggled biology, human nutrition, and came back to my senses by switching to english, but now i'm as lost as ever.

4 college years have come and gone. but at least i've got ambitions. i want to write a movie or a book, maybe both. but the question remains in my heart. do i want to this for Christ or for me. these past years have shaped me spiritually as well and i'm torn between wanting to pursue my passions, which are very secular, or to pursue what i think God would rather have me do, which of course i can't know for sure.

i've lived most of my life with a legalistic scale in my hands, making sure that the bad things i do don't weigh more than the good ones, even though i know that the bad far outweighs the good by tons.

what am i doing.

i'm scared of falling into the world and losing faith.

i'm scared of losing my dreams by following the "holier" path.

there is no compromise between the world and God, so i must choose one. is there no way that i can point to Jesus through film? books would come easier, but i still have this desire to be recognized by the world and to be paid handsomely for it.

oh, God, save me from myself. change me and lead me. open up doors of opportunity for me for Your kingdom.

in the end, my ambitions will be burned up in the flame and nothing will remain.

but if i persevere through trial and temptation and forsake all, what will remain? life. and that to the fullest. forgive me, Lord Jesus, help me to seek You with all my heart.

struggle

what happens after the struggle. everyone has a struggle that they've overcome or are overcoming or are losing to.

the most obvious one is money. people work because no one has all the money they could desire. a lot of people spend their entire lives working for money. forget your boss, your parents, your God. you work for money. enough to retire on. enough to buy that car. enough to send your kids to college. enough to eat. what happens after all that.

you used to have a purpose. money gave that to you, now you've got enough to die on.

i'm like that guy from Office Space. i just want to do nothing. i'd probably be the guy version of Paris Hilton or Kim Kardashian if i had a wealthy family. i'd probably want the attention and fame, too because i need to have some kind of goal, however vain it may be. but if i got rich right now, i'd do nothing. buy a cabin up in the mountains, eat out all the time, write sometimes if i felt like being productive, play video games, watch movies, exercise, read, and do it all over again.

God had a good reason for giving us a ultimatum between Him and money. with money, i'd have no struggle and no desire to grow. i'd be the same person getting older and finding hobbies to spend money on. maybe the greatest sin of having money is what it does to you. it makes you lazy. it makes us content in the wrong thing and it takes away from what God wants to do with us. we don't want ultimatums, we don't want struggles, we just want to have what we want when we want it.

the more i think about it, the more i realize that there's no true joy here. we spend hours watching internet videos, films, shows wishing that we could have the same attention that we give them.

our wires are screwed up. we don't see the big picture. we don't imagine Heaven and the joy that it contains. we even use God as a slot machine to get our way and when we don't, we move on to the next one hoping that we'll hit the jackpot.

we need the struggle. we've just chosen the wrong one.

i don't think i have writer's block, but i've lost the will to really write or wonder about things. i mean i still do, sometimes. but, i don't have that zone that i would get into to write. the world seemed so complicated and i was so eager to figure everything out. now, the world seems so plain to me. i don't want to figure it out because i can't.

from this time last year, i think i've lost a lot of faith. or maybe i've cut away the fat from the meat and it turns out that there wasn't much meat to start out with. starting from that, i feel that i'm starting from scratch. all of my deep issues have risen to the surface. i've tried my best to ignore them. my issues with love, acceptance, forgiveness, faith have all bubbled up and i've filled my time doing work, playing games, watching tv, anything to escape the reality of dealing with these things.

the truth is that i never truly believed that God loves me, i never could accept myself therefore i believed God rejected me, Jesus died for me but i couldn't believe that He was enough for my forgiveness, and faith, i had faith in myself, not Him.

Lord Jesus, i let go.

pick your poison

each decade has a drug of choice.

the 1970's had marijuana, which is still prevalent today.
the 1980's had a big crack problem, which is still felt in some areas of the country.
the 1990's was a mix of things. marijuana, being the gateway drug, opened up people to cocaine and maybe heroine.

the thing about these drugs is that they came in and out, even though the remnants remain with us. kids still smoke pot. adults do cocaine occasionally. if you're doing heroine then you're most likely to die of an overdose, but it's not an epidemic. a lot of these drugs are experimental, hopefully non-habit forming, although it doesn't justify the use of them. with the internet, and the technology to make the internet readily available in all circumstances, the past decade has been culminating the new drug of choice: information.

you can call it the internet, but it entails so much more: social networking, chatting, googling, gaming, cyber sexing, blogging, commenting, youtubing, multi-tasking, and the list will continue to increase. because unlike the other physical drugs before it, this drug is far more mental and spiritual than we will choose to believe.

marijuana was done mostly in groups of friends. cocaine could be shared. heroine was individualistic, but you could have a friend to share the high with. the point is that people did these drugs with other people. the severely addicted would do these drugs by themselves because of their craving, but usually people were not alone in the deed. the age of information is different.

everyone has a laptop, iPhone, netbook, blackberry, anything that has internet access and no one shares these items. we may take turns using them, but we don't surf the web together. when we're at our friend's house and there's nothing to do, we use their computer. and we're fine. we can be fine for hours looking at videos, reading the latest blogs or reviews, checking the scores, chatting with other people, doing things that you didn't need to leave the house for. but that's the transition we're making. we can leave our house and do these things. all we need is 4G. all we need is our laptop and we can go to a bookstore or starbucks or anywhere with free wi-fi. pastor Mark Driscoll pointed out the irony in one of his sermons, people go to these public places, so they can be by themselves. you go to where other people are because you know that they're not going to bother you. they're not going to approach you unless you're near an outlet.

people will point to eHarmony, w.o.w., facebook, myspace, aim, and other social networking or gaming or dating sites to show how the internet brings people closer together. but do they? do you really know a person after chatting with him or her for a few hours as opposed to meeting them and seeing their physical mannerisms or details in person? does gaming for days on end make you best friends with someone? does catching up with an old friend mean "friending" someone on facebook? when we want to know more, we use wikipedia or google. we want to know everything about anything. and it's readily available to us. who directed that film? when did it come out? does she have pictures? is this restaurant good? how hot is it today?

we haven't cut out the middleman, we've added one. we've eliminated experience. we don't go outside to feel the weather. we've degraded our smiles and tears into emoticons. we talk about everything via aim and when we meet in person we have nothing to say. we've replaced it all with information and we can't stop. one thing leads to another and hours will pass. you have filled your mind with trivial matters that you will regurgitate in a rare "conversation," that may last a few sentences before you take out your phone.

i don't believe the internet is evil. it's made things easier. paying bills, writing mail, applying for jobs, buying things, staying in touch with people. it's not an absolute evil, but doesn't our excess turn it into some kind of monster?

this generation is going to be raised on the iPhone and the apps it comes with. kids already have facebooks, even though they are in elementary schools. the internet has good, but it opens up potential for bad things to happen. "to catch a predator" was aired on tv for a reason. cyber stalkers, sexting, cyber abuse, cyber sex are all terms along with lol, gg, btw, :P, brb because we've allowed them to be. the next generation will be raised by information alone. what kind of people will they be if their parents are stuck on the internet googling how to be a good parent?

am i going too far? maybe. but something from this post, i hope, will resonate with you. job applications are almost, all, online. email is the preferred way of communication. videochats and instant messaging/texting are eliminating face to face contact. will interviews become a multiple choice test? some parts of it are, testing your personality. will match.com become the way to meet your spouse? for some, it has. will you live your "life" online? or will you experience joy and pain, suffering and hope in a tangible way that you can't translate onto the internet? real or unreal? the thing is that whatever you choose there will always be a mixture of unreal with the real and vice versa. we live to see the dawn and use nightlights to ward off the darkness. we love cooking over an open flame as long as it is propane fueled. we love walking around in an air conditioned atmosphere. but what will be overshadowing the other? whether you do anything about it immediately or let it simmer in your mind for a long time, the day will come when there's no choice left, but to pick your poison.

pornea

i'm not sure what most people's first experience with sex is. i know it starts very early, 12 is the average age of kids who see their first pornographic material. with the world going in the direction it is, i'm sure that the age will decrease in the future. the cliche is that some kids are channel surfing and come across shows like "Baywatch" or certain music videos that have scantily clad pop "princesses" or maybe even stumbling upon the Discovery channel and seeing animals mating. all very likely, all have happened to me except the latter. watching animals doing it is more of deterrent.

the common theme is that most boys' switch the gear into puberty earlier because of images. we see body parts, it starts getting hot, and you feel desires that you've never felt before. next you feel is some guilt, like you've broken some kind of law or code, but it feels good and you want to keep feeling it. no matter what. you keep looking at the images. progresses deeper into pornography. that progresses into fetishes. some people may have a tighter rein on this than others. maybe you think you have a tighter rein on it than others. my question is, are we even supposed to be looking at it?

do animals watch other animals. are we the only species that watch people have sex? is it natural to watch it? it's natural to be stimulated by it. we can't help that. but is it natural to watch it as a form of entertainment or pleasure? is it natural for actors and actresses to simulate sex in films? is it natural for adult actors and actresses to perform in front of a camera for millions of viewers?

there are many things that aren't natural, i know. the laptop i'm typing on. am i supposed to be spending hours on the internet surfing the web reading about sports, movies, and whatnot? is it natural that i'm typing as a form of communication. well, we've taken language and communicated it into a different form. perhaps the same concept can translate with porn. but i don't believe that is a viable opinion.

sex is personal. it's an expression of love. of commitment. of marriage. of loyalty. Pope John Paul II said it best, "The problem with pornography isn't that it shows too much, it's that it shows too little." Pornography shows just what it promises. Two people having sex. But it's sex that's ripped out of the natural body of love. Sex isn't love or vice versa, it's a vital organ needed to keep the flesh and blood healthy and sane. when taken out of context it becomes disgusting, disturbing, and fake.

porn is a substitute for relationships. it adds to our isolation and we wonder why we are so lonely. we're afraid to take chances. to get rejected. we want acceptance in any way possible. and porn never turns us down, but it always lets us down. we're not meant to watch or look at these things. i pray that i have the faith to step out and take chances instead of settling for one part of a body. i want to experience it all and i hope you do, too.

it'd be easier

i think it'd be easier if karma was real.

maybe not karma in a what comes around goes around. maybe more of a you reap what you sow. maybe they're similar to each other in a lot of ways like people say that Buddha and Jesus are. maybe i'm being blasphemous right now. forgive me, Lord, if i am. now that brings me to my point, which is what if God worked on a rewards based "relationship." kind of like an employer/employee thing.

you clock in. you put in your "good" work and you clock out hoping that the "bad" won't be enough to outweigh the hard work you put in earlier. i used to live like this. maybe i still do.

i live like i can do enough to good to tip the scales in my favor of salvation, blessing, love, grace, etc. when i sin, i feel lower than low. i feel like there's no hope. i ask for forgiveness, but i just write a mental i.o.u. to God hoping that i can pay Him back for his forgiveness. but by now, the i.o.u.'s have piled up like late bills and i have no idea how to pay them off.

it'd be easier to ask for mercy and to be forgiven of all this debt, but then again i think wouldn't it be easier to just keep the reward/punishment program to continue. i can always file for bankruptcy later when i'm at my end, but for now i can grind it out. a couple of big payments and i'll be out of the hole... for a little while.

it's difficult because with grace i take advantage of it and i use it as an excuse to sin, but with works i'm trying and trying to save myself like i'm trying to keep from drowning on dry land.

it'd be easier if i gave up. it'd be easier if i kept fighting. it'd be easier if i did both. it'd be easier if i wasn't making it so hard.

God, please help.

addiction

we have two views of addicts. the serious view and the funny/intrigued view. addicted to heroin? serious. addicted to shopping? seriously? addicted to video games? funny. and kind of sad. but we all have our vices. people get addicted to the most dire of things, while others get addicted to things that we didn't realize were addicting. when i think of addiction i think of junkies on the streets scraping together change for the next fix. i think of 12 step programs that tell you that sobriety is life. i think of rehab and how so many celebrities go to get clean only to relapse back into their addictions closer to death.

and i look into my own life. what are my addictions. lust, pride, self-worship. i inject myself with images that flow through my veins into my mind, my thoughts to satisfy this demon that i can't fight off. no matter who i hurt, how it effects me in the end, and how much i want to stop and be free the addiction doesn't care. the addiction only knows what it wants and that, eventually, with enough tempting i will give it what it needs.

i hate that. i hate that i hurt those i love with addiction. i hate that i go into bouts of depression and self-deprecation that takes all of me to get out of. i hate that i can't let go of it.

i find that i need something bigger in me to defeat this. i need a desire just as strong or stronger to overpower this lust; this cancer; this sin. God, help me.

learning

you know how in disney movies the supposedly nonredeemable character goes through obstacles and circumstances that he or she would never have gone through before to come out transformed, a new character with new actions.

in beauty and the beast, the beast was "unlovable" until belle loves him and he's transformed into a handsome, white (i think he should've been black because of that manly, soulful voice, but disney, right?) prince.

the old dude in Up is turned from a bitter old man into a mentor/father figure at the end of the film because he realized that all the adventure that he needed and wanted with his wife already happened while she was alive.

in freaky friday, the mother and daughter switch bodies, so that they will learn what it's like to be in each others' shoes and to understand, hence growing closer together.

and in blah blah blah. the list goes on forever and will continue to grow.

my question and sort of pondering is this.

am i going through that same thing right now?

for the past 6 months almost, more likely 5, i've been in pain and don't get me wrong i'm way better off now than 4 months ago, but am i missing a lesson here?

i believe things happen for a reason and that God's got a lesson to be learned in all circumstances. the most apparent lesson that i need to learn is patience.

i am impatient. not with waiting for my hot pocket to be done or waiting in line at the dmv, but with learning lessons themselves. i want to know it all, do it all, and be done with it all.

but i'm not done. not as close to done as i would want to be, which would be to be done.

i am impatient. i've come to terms with that. i want to say that i've gotten more patient in the past few months, but at the same time i ask myself how much patience do i need?

and that is where the problem lies.

love God and love people? ok. how do i do that? how much? what do i do? when is it enough? when will my quota of love be fulfilled?

tithe? how much? 10%? every week? every paycheck? what my heart allows me to give? to charities? organizations?

go on missions? share the Gospel? how many people? pray for her? him?

what do i have to do to earn God's love? His favor? when will He be happy with me? i'll do whatever it takes. i'll work all my life to earn it. when i sin and He doesn't like me anymore, i'll make it up to Him. i promise. He'll be proud of me. one day, i'll be worthy.

i'll work 'til the day i die. i'll do whatever He wants. as long as He promises to love me and accept me.

i'll do anything and everything. but i'll fail. like i always do. i'll say i'm sorry and ask You to forgive, but i won't feel forgiven. i'll pray to love more, but i don't feel loved. i'll remind myself of truth, but i will believe the lie.

i tell myself that i will learn. God will teach me. i'll learn and never forget. but i do. will i ever really learn? or will i constantly struggle to accept the truth? will i be too late in the end?

i know that i will always be learning, but never fully learned. and i'm ok with that now. i just want to know the Truth. i don't want to keep asking the same questions anymore.

i think i think too much

i really do. whether the devil is coaxing me and tempting me with unreasonable and illogical thought patterns or whether i'm just paranoid and fatalistic, i spend most of my time in my thoughts. and i buy into many of them. some are ambitious. some say that i'll be famous one day, that i'll be a good writer, that i'll have a lot of money, and live a good life. i want to believe them. some others say that i'll be alone, that the worst is yet to come, and that i will die miserable, unloved and unknown. i fight to not believe them.

if i choose not to believe any of these thoughts, will i be better off? i believe that God can work in these thoughts. but at the same time they get the best of me and i find myself believing lies and irrational prophecies of my own deduction. do i turn it all off? i don't have the power to do that. you say don't think about it, i think harder. the more i think about ambitious thoughts the more i realize that it can't come true. the more i think about evil ones the more i realize how powerless i am to keep them from coming true. the more i realize how powerless i am the more i feel that they are inevitable.

the harder i think and the more i lose hope. the more i think the more i think about evil days. the more i think the more my jealousies rage. the more i think the more i think "i'm not worth it. the world's better off without whatever i am."

i get sucked into these delusions, but i've found strength to fight them. but i feel if any of my horrible thoughts would come true i would lose once and for all. if one thought came to be i would realize my worst fears and find that it was true all along.

i've found myself at a point of surrender. if i give up these things to God, then i may have hope. the remnants of fear or worry may linger, but if i can have hope in One who can redeem me i feel that i can go on no matter what thoughts may come true. i find that it's really not complicated. it's simple. at least i think it is.

need

i hear people say, "i can't believe that everyone is evil or else i'll lose hope in humanity. i need to believe that people are inherently good or else we're all just hopeless messes." i believe that statement sets itself for failure and that to hope in humanity is ultimately hopeless. if we were to believe that people were inherently good, then we wouldn't be able to explain why we have crime. why we have murderers, rapists, thieves, liars, and corrupted, selfish people is anyone's best guess. people will point to psychology for answers; they will point to peoples' backgrounds and the way they were raised as excuses for the reason as to why people are as they are, but these all go full circle. because, in the end, we can't explain why some cheat on their spouses, why they lie to get ahead in their career, why they drink until they lose all control of their senses, and why we divert or distract ourselves from asking the real questions that we need answers to. we can say that people do these things because of a certain cause and the effect is that we do these horrible things, but that doesn't account for the reason why we feel the need to do these things. in this evil world, believing that everyone is good isn't an optimistic worldview that everyone should adopt. it will only make you question all the more why there are such atrocities in this world if everyone is good. it's inconsistent.

i can believe that there are some good, some bad. but we know that in this world, no one is perfect. there is no one that is wholly good and wholly bad. we can bet that there are robbers that have children that they love and care for and that the evil they do is for their childrens' good. we can bet that there are good men that raise money to help the poor, but pocket some of the proceeds for their gain. good actions for evil intentions. so there can't be just good people and bad people. you can say that we are all, individually, mixes of good and evil. so what are we then? a bunch of lukewarm people that don't know which side to take? i think we would be content to be a mix of good and evil for who are we to judge one another then? no prisons, no wrong or right because we are all a mix of good and bad, so there would be no need for justice, but something inside us compels us to do so.

i believe that everyone is evil. whether you're a kid stealing a candy bar or you're a mass murderer on death row. we all share the same common disease of sin and evil. how can i believe this? how can i have hope in this hopeless context? i have hope because of this hopelessness. there's no good news without bad news. we surely cannot appreciate or know what light is without the dark. we don't know what right is without wrong. we have this sense of rightness because of the evil inside of us and a desire, a need for something more. we need justice, we need hope. we desire a hope in this hopelessness. it is only in this context that hope is real. but that desire is not enough; there must be something tangible, something real to have hope in. there is. thank God, there is. we need forgiveness, we need redemption. we need faith. to believe in something more than what we have, than what we are. we need Jesus. we are lost in our separation and ignorance because of sin. we need to become hopeless, to come to the end of ourselves and fall into the arms of Christ. we need to.

i gave it up
no more vices for me
i gave you up
no more sins in me

will i be happy now?
will i be happy now?
will i be happy now?

i gave all that i had
no more things to buy
i saved many lives
i'll be safe when i die

will i be happy now?
will i be happy now?
will i be saved now?

diversion

distract me from what i really am
hide me behind laughter and silence
i want to be covered up; blanket me in
what i'm not, what i desire to be
because i don't want to feel the pain
of knowing what i'm not capable of

but that's not what i really need
take all these diversions from me

burn me up
burn me until i stop screaming
burn me until you see what i really am
burn me raw

i will be happy when i am refined
when i am refined i will have nothing
to be sad about so i won't cry
when i am refined there will be no
excuse for me to commit crimes

that's what i really need
take all these diversions from me

burn me raw
burn me until i shine
burn me until you see what i really am
burn it all away

worship

"There are only two kinds of people in the end: those who say to God, 'Thy will be done,' and those to whom God says, in the end, 'Thy will be done.'" -C.S. Lewis

we're all worshipers. i believe we grow up worshiping an ideal version of "you" whatever or whoever that might be. i grew up wanting to be a rich, good looking businessman that had the prettiest girl on his arm living happily ever after. i wanted to be the guys in the movies; i wanted to be james bond, rambo, the athlete, the romantic, the hero. i wanted to be the best, the richest, the most attractive. i wanted to be the desire of everyone's heart. i wanted to be a god. i wanted to be worshiped.

and now at 22 i find myself at these odds. the odds of self-worship against worshiping God. i thought that worshiping God would be easier; it's reasonable enough. give glory to the one who created you, but i find myself desiring my own praise. isn't this evil? doesn't all the evil in the world come out of some form of self-worship? people kill each other because something doesn't go their way; they're not pleased with another person, so they end it. people rape because they want pleasure and will do anything to get it. people steal to satisfy a desire. people cheat, abandon, lie to get their way. because at the center of it all it's a desire to please one's self above all. the devil has the same problem and now he's trying to feed that lie to as many as he can to drag down as many as he can to the hell that he's heading towards. worshiping God requires self-sacrifice; losing yourself; putting others before you. people don't like that. why? because you ask yourself, "well, what do i get out of it?" which is missing the point. i believe that when Jesus said that whoever keeps his life for himself will lose it and those who lose their life for me will find it, he meant that living for yourself isn't the way to live. that by worshiping God, the Creator, and losing yourself in Him you will find who you really are. you will find life in your death. that in self-denial; dying to yourself you will find what it means to truly live, to be like God, but not being God. it's not easy. i find myself natural becoming a devil, while struggling to worship and be like God. i'm happy to have this struggle though. it lets me know that i'm on the right track. that this struggle is the beginning of something that, when finished, will be my natural state, who i really am.

wedding

a man weds a woman. a woman weds a man. there is a wedding ceremony, wedding cake, wedding guests, wedding cards, wedding gifts, wedding pictures, wedding decorations, wedding reception, wedding vows. i think about all these things. the details of a wedding. i never think about what it really means to wed. i never thought about it as an action, just a bunch of details that people put so much care into. what does it mean to wed, to be married. there's a nice ceremony where people are dressed in their best, a reception where there is celebration for the honored couple, but we forget about the details that have become redundant over the years. the vows, the kiss, the guests. what does it all mean?

the vows. aren't vows for knights? for samurais to honor and would fight to the death for? isn't it for that one guy who gets saved by a kung fu master and is indebted to him for life? vows are forever, right? when the action hero takes a vow of vengeance upon the person who killed his family, we expect the hero to follow through. he may get tired, weary, discouraged, but we expect fully that he will get his revenge and that he will make good on his vow. but of course we expect that in a movie. it wouldn't make much of a film if he changed his mind or found another woman to start a family with and forgot about his vow. we'd have serious questions about his character and his intentions. why is it so different with marriage. people are getting divorced left and right. have they forgotten their vows? when they made them, didn't we expect them to follow through? when they said that they would be together until death no matter what circumstances would arise, did we just think that it was a euphemism? maybe i didn't take it so seriously because no one else did. but it just makes us out to be liars. the vows are real. there may be times when you wish you weren't married, when you wish the person you were married to were different, when you want to cheat, when you want to leave, when you want to end it. we want the easy way out. but when we don't keep the vows it kills the relationship and the people involved in it. it hurts the other person when you want to be selfish and break the vows. but remembering them and keeping them keeps the marriage intact. the vows keep the couple alive. the vows are for life.

the kiss. i don't have much experience in this department. i think every kid knows kisses are sometimes wet and sloppy, but the people that kiss you care for you. one day you're too old to be kissed good night and its time to find someone else that you can kiss. the kiss isn't just a physical sweet gesture that lets everyone know that you are together or that you care or that you share the same bed. i believe its symbolic. when you kiss at your wedding you're saying this is my spouse whom i love and will love until death and the only one who i will kiss as long as i live. i don't think its a sin to kiss your parents and your children or a close friend, but that's why the bride and groom kiss lips. i don't know how the kiss came about. maybe adam and eve were hanging out and one of them suggested to the other if they wanted to touch mouths. "like the thing i use to put food into and chew and swallow?" "well, maybe not teeth, but just the outer part of the mouth." and the kiss was born. or maybe they didn't find touching nostrils and ears quite the same thing as touching lips. i figure you don't kiss everyone you meet and that it's reserved for someone you care about and want to share your life with. maybe that's why the kiss comes after the vows. it's a seal. a promise to keep the vows.

the wedding guests. yes, you will invite people that you have never seen before, but at least you can get wedding gifts or money to pay off the wedding from them. but the guests are more than guests. they're witnesses. your best man, maid of honor? men and women to keep you accountable, to make sure that you are making a lifelong choice and that you must keep it. the guests testify to your vows, your kiss, and your lifelong journey together as one. the witnesses are going to be one of the reasons that you keep your vows. you don't want to tell everyone that you have broken your vows that they were witness to. it's shameful and you become a liar. you break the faith that they had in your marriage bond. they don't know all the details of your married life. they don't know what he's really like. they don't know how she treats me. but they care. they care enough to be there to see you join together as one. but i don't want to stay with her or him for their sake, what about what i want? this is what you wanted. you wanted forever. you wanted vows, kiss, the witnesses, and everything. if you didn't mean it, then you shouldn't have. this is why there are no divorce ceremonies. we don't celebrate it. we say forever and mean it. weddings are the beginning of no end.

i am scared to be happy. i used to be scared of thunder storms. i remember one time i was at my grandmother's house and i was lying on the couch as it began to thunder and rain. i could feel the dampness in my hair as sweat seeped through my nervous pores. i heard cracking as an unfortunate tree got hit by lightening and i saw severed branches on the ground where it didn't belong. the wind began to blow and rain started to pour and every so often a flash of light alerted my attention and fears towards the storm. i imagined my father, who was coming to pick us up, in a horrible accident. maybe a tree limb fell on his car, maybe the car slipped on the road, maybe lightening struck him, who knew? but he came. and i was relieved as me and my sister left to go home where it was safe, where i knew everything would be in its right place and be there to stay.

i realize that i wasn't so much scared of the lightening, the rain, and the wind themselves. i was scared of the effect that they would have on me. and the same fear grips me now. happiness? happiness i can't grab, i can't hold onto, and no matter how tight i may grip it it can go away. i am scared to be happy because i know that at any instant it can be taken away. of course, this is true in all things. i can lose any part of my body to disease or accident; i can lose my family or friends through death; i can lose myself in my depression. so why happiness? why does it matter so much? maybe i've grown up listening to too many happily ever afters. no one tells you what happens after happily ever after because happily ever after means forever. people living happy forever. but the more i've grown up the more that isn't true. disappointment, failure, crushed hopes have all the more watered my fear making it grow into this giant tree whose shade i'm under, not allowing any sunlight to touch me for fear of being burned.

the more i stay under this tree, the more i feel the vines of pride strangle me and hold me down to where i don't belong. i don't belong under this tree of fear. i want to be free and i want to cut these vines that are holding me down. cutting them hurt because it seems that they have become a part of me, stuck on me like tape, like a bandaid i don't want to rip off because it'll pull out some of my hairs with it, but wounds need to breathe to heal. and i want to breathe and heal and i may get burned, i may fall, i may lose it all, but God will help me rise again. the God of redemption and hope in whom we can't be disappointed in, in whom there can be no failure. so God help me to lay it all out there. cut these vines so i can cut down this tree and give me seeds that will grow to bear fruit.

the great impression

what is this that presses itself on me so heavily. am i pressing down on myself or is it something else. this fear, this worry, this depression leaves a great impression on me. i have food, water, clothes, a bed, parents, an education. i have no reason to be depressed. no reason to be greatly depressed. but i feel without hope. where is my God. is He above watching me in my misery or is He next to me as i begin to grow numb to the distractions that i surround myself with, that i fill my eyes with. i am afraid that one day i will wake up alone. and i am afraid that i will say to myself, "see, i told you so." because i expect the worst. i expect the worst in every situation.

people say to me that i am relaxed and cool when things don't bother me the way they bother others. i am not relaxed or cool. i am expecting worse. i still do. i am expecting everyone to leave me one day because of the impression of my depression and i look forward to that day because the worst will be over and i will be at the bottom. i will no longer have to fear anything worse because it has already happened. and once i am at the bottom, i will stay there because to climb is to fall.

i want to enjoy the time God has given me. no matter how short. sin and sorrow hide in dark corners and i may lure myself to their familiar grasp. so i've already lost precious time. God desires perfection and so do i. His Son will stand in my place when all is said and done because i'm broken. i wonder if He's disappointed in me. i know i am. i wonder why i can't stop doing the things i hate. i wonder if i truly hate them.

i'm hoping that love will kick in the door sometime soon to pull out from the bottom. but i'm afraid of being dropped back in. God is good i've learned. He isn't tempted by evil. but He can redeem it for His good. how i desire this. how i desire to be impressed by Him rather than my depression.

i see your body
your everything
i see my desire
i devour

but i don't see
beyond your flesh
i don't see what
drove you to
this

i see my lust
and the means
to an ugly end
i'm unfocused
breathe
focus

i know who
you are
a daughter
a sister
a lover

i see what
i've become
selfish
weak
a sinner

i walk away
and pray
for forgiveness
for love
for strength

i walk away
and i die
to rise again
anew
because
i don't want
to hear
a father's cry

to new

i'm having this mental block. this barrier that i can't seem to let go or get through or break. i just want to breathe but i can't even do that. i think. i constantly think about everything. i think about thinking. maybe it's satan's attempt to get me to fall backwards. to get me to my old ways again. but i want to move on. to new.

my old ways were denying me. i was listening to people all around me, but i wasn't really hearing Him, i was hearing them. i was told all these things and i tried to do them, but it shouldn't have been me doing in the first place. i was blind and deaf and i wasn't understanding. but all fingers pointed to You. now i'm ruined. nothing can stand in comparison to You.

so i find myself beginning a journey. of seeking on my own. walking and living out my own story in His light. i still have troubles, i still have questions, but that doesn't matter anymore. i don't want to worry about what others say unless it brings me closer to You. but now i know i must seek You alone. without anyone telling me how it is, just You guiding me into new.

i hear a lot about living under grace. i've been hearing that lately and asking to do that in my prayers, to live under grace. but i'm not sure exactly what it means. i can't really say i know what grace is by definition. i think i know what grace is not and maybe from there i can conclude something definite.

grace isn't something that you take advantage of and use to your selfish gain. i think a lot of people do this and i used to as well. we say God will forgive me and we do whatever we want. i don't believe that grace is that. if it was we'd have murderers, rapists, and thieves out here while we locked ourselves away in an upstate prison. there isn't a supply of grace that we get every year to use sparingly. it's more of a second chance, grace is a gift.

grace also isn't limited. we say God gave me a second chance, so i can't screw up anymore. but we do and we destroy ourselves. i've been there too. if that was true, grace would be the leading cause of preventable death in the country. everyone would be killing themselves out of fear of screwing up again. grace isn't just one "get out of jail free" card. it's a lifetime of bail outs that we will need. grace is freedom.

grace is a free gift. so, why do i have so much trouble forgiving myself, why do i feel sometimes i'm on my way to hell, why do i have trouble accepting grace, of living under it. i sinned today. i know i will sin again, but today i was filled with grief and horror and wanted to be punished to be justified. i kept telling myself of grace, of living under it, of love. i wondered what love looked like, what grace looked like. and i kept telling myself that Christ on the cross was it. i told myself it was a cliche and doubted, i wanted a feeling, some emotion to help me get through. but the more i thought about it, it made sense. Christ on the cross. died for my sins. forgave all my sins. to give me grace to move on. so that i don't have to suffer. so that i can be different from the rest. grace is making me new.

a time for pain

6 weeks. that's how long i've been in pain. every morning, afternoon, and night has been slightly uncomfortable to excruciating and the pain doesn't seem to be letting up. about 3 months ago i injured my lower back. after a game of basketball i went back to my cozy apartment hoping to enjoy a hot glass of cocoa while watching a movie on the projector. as soon as i bent over i felt a sharp pain in my lower back and i found that i couldn't bend or move i normally could. i'm no gymnast, but sitting down without groaning in pain and bending my back were things i used to be pretty good at. i put some icy hot on my back and hoped for the best. my back got better slowly over time, but i decided to go back home and get acupuncture to speed up the recovery. i went back and got 3 sessions of sweet needle sticking and suction cupping (for the bad blood) and i was almost 100% without pain. it was great. it was a miracle. it was really Asian. so i went back to school feeling fine, but had some discomfort in my legs. the concept behind acupuncture is to bring the pain out, so the pain in my lower back was moving down my legs to go out through my feet? i think. i'm still not sure, but like an idiot i went back to what i loved to do, which is being manly. and what do manly men do? go back to lifting really heavy weights to impress girls and boys alike.

i wanted to see if i could deadlift what i could before, so i could prove to myself that all that time wasted in the gym wasn't about to go to waste. i did what i had hoped to do, but not without sacrifice. as the days went on, pain in my legs started to get increasingly worse. sharp pain would go down my left leg whenever i sat down on my toilet. sorry for the image. weeks went by without it getting better. i thought it was bad circulation and put my feet in warm water, but it didn't really help. i walked around with the pain like a bleeding wound that no one could see, but i felt. i immediately thought of acupuncture. the promise of instant relief gave me hope, so i dealt with the pain any way i could. i hit my leg to numb the pain, i tried to ignore it hoping it would go away as if my unresponsiveness would bore it into leaving me alone. nothing worked and the pain worsened as i walked, as i woke up every morning to find the same gnawing pain in my leg, and as i woke up a little bit more hopeless every day.

i went home and received the acupuncture treatment i so desired. my mom called the acupuncturist and told her about my condition; she laughed and told me to come if i wanted. i went and explained my pain. she stuck needles in me, but this time i felt no instant relief. i walked out feeling the same. feeling more hopeless. the pain remained and i did not want to waste more money on a treatment that didn't work. then i got a phonecall from my awesome mentor/medical advisor/brother kevin lee and i was pretty stoked to go eat with him. we enjoyed a nice indian lunch buffet while the pain nagged at me reminding me that it was still very real and present. we ate and talked and i held back from getting a 3rd plate that most likely would've put me to sleep. i told him about my symptoms and he said that i had a herniated disc, although not a severe case. the pain in my legs was because the disc was pinching a nerve in my back which connected to my legs. it was called sciatica. well, now i knew my enemy's name. he told me to go google and find exercises to do to treat my back. i had hope again, so i went home to google this pain away.

i found exercises that were painful for me to do. i felt my back bone crack into place, but the pain was still there, but at least there was something i could do now. i went to get acupuncture at a different place. my aunt recommended him to my mother, so i went with my mom and dad hoping for instant relief. i wondered what was different about this man's methods that made him better. i soon found out. painfully. he stuck needles in places that i didn't expect. my wrist, middle finger, foot, arm, and the area between my nose and upper lip. he stuck one in my wrist and twisted it until i hissed in pain. he then grabbed the needles in my arm and above my upper lip and said this was going to hurt. he told me to move my hips in a motion that would stretch my lower back as he twisted the needles. it hurt. a lot. but it got better because i could feel my back loosen up a little. at the end i was glad i went. i was supposed to go again, but i figured it'd be fine. he told me to rest my back and take it easy for a while. that translated to me as: don't exercise, but it's totally cool if you want to go out and eat and drink beer. he actually told me to stop drinking beer because he said that it was bad for my large intestine and he pointed at my acne ridden face saying that it was connected to my large intestine. i appreciated the advice, but i took it with a grain of salt.

i went out and drank and ate and the pain got worse and worse. i went back to the acupuncturist and he said my back was really swollen because i hadn't rested. fantastic. i'm an idiot. so i go home and i do absolutely nothing. but its good for my back, so i don't complain. i ice the back, eat, get fat, and do it all over again. my mom is concerned and she wants me to get an x-ray. she sets up an appointment at the chiropractors. i go and i get bad news. my spine is tilting to the left because my muscle spasms are pulling it that way. i have a disc problem between my L4 and L5 bones. he puts me through a series of tests and then he puts me through a series of massaging. after that, he twists me and cracks my bones to "relieve the symptoms." i'm grateful, but still in pain and i go home. the pain is now in my right leg and it's worse off than before. i can't bend over, i can't make any sudden movements, i get muscle spasms in my butt and leg and all i can do is wait out the pain, i can't squat or even sit without a pain attack. my mom says not to go back to the chiropractor because the acupuncturist said its just going to put me through more pain and money since i don't have insurance. i wish i knew that before. i wish i didn't take x-ray. i wish i didn't waste 130 on that torture doctor they call a chiropractor. i wish that i didn't feel knifes in my legs and butt every time i made a sudden move. i wish i never deadlifted that fateful day in november. i wish i wasn't in pain.

where does that leave me? i was feeling hopeless as i was told that the recovery was going to take a long time. i couldn't imagine a pain free day anytime soon. i felt depressed. my dad spoke up and said there are times in life when you're going to be in pain and times when you're not, don't despair.

and i haven't. this has actually turned out for my benefit. i've been spending time by myself, with God, taking things slow. sleeping early, waking up early. i've spent my mornings and afternoons with a beautiful girl gracious enough to visit me in my misery. we talk about our pasts, our sins, our future, God, and us. i find myself falling deeper and deeper and find myself being consumed by thoughts of her. and i realize that this isn't so bad.

there's a time and season for everything. a time for pain. i don't know when this time will end. but i hope that now is the time to heal. a time for love. and i know that there is no better way than to begin like this.