another year over

another year of sins forgiven. God thank you, let me start again.

grace

i believe we're all in need of grace. in a world where everyone's right; where some believe in fate, destiny, religion, or chance there's a desperation in all of us. of course, we don't always recognize it as it is. our desperation takes different shapes and forms in all of our lives.

in my life i have a desperation to be famous, to be popular, to be noticed by somebody, by everybody. i grew up watching movies where the toughest guy always saved the girl; where the loser became the winner; where the richest guy led the richest life, and i wanted all of that. i wanted to be rich, good looking, and able to out-fight/drink/lift/eat/ski/throw/catch/shoot anyone. i wanted to be the guy that every guy wanted to be, that every girl wanted to be with, to be happy. i wanted to be worshipped. i became my own idol and sometimes i still struggle with this, so i get lost in my fantasies waiting for them to come true. but i know if they ever became reality i'd revert to being a scared boy not knowing what to do with all these met desires. i know i would find another idol to worship because it never ends.

whether its the ideal of having a family, a girl, money, success, fame, image we all worship something. we worship not being alone, not being poor, not being failure. we want to avoid what we fear, so we worship the opposites of what we fear.

our idols are no longer made of stone or gold or wood; they are made up of longings. they are made up of our good deeds and the works of our hands.

but trust me when i say that there is nothing else, but Jesus. Jesus Christ. God incarnate. Savior. Lord. Friend. Master. Everything.

the world we live in will deny this, dismissing it as an outdated, primitive, religious, oppressive, superstitious "god" that weak people worship to sooth their conscience or to give them purpose or reason to live. we've all had bad experiences in the church. hypocrisy, judgments, hate, anger, bigotry, the list can go on forever. all i can do for you is the same thing i do for myself: point to Jesus.

you may think you have heard it all. you know the Gospel message. it's not for you. it doesn't make sense to you. you can't believe in it because it's ridiculous. but i know the reason is that you're scared. i'm scared too. i don't want to face my demons let alone admit them. the same as you. but the truth is you have to. in order to grow, to become human, to realize your purpose and your place in life. you have to face your demons, you have to try and fight them. fight off your demons. but i know you will fail because i have so many times and i still do. i still sin and find myself picking up the pieces, but i know i'm not alone. because of grace.

i'm dissatisfied and scared about the future, about now, about my past, about my situation, about events that surround me. and all this can drive me to disbelieve in God, in Jesus, but it does the opposite. why?

maybe it's because i am weak and i refuse to believe that after one dies they cease to exist. maybe it's because i'm not open minded enough and refuse to believe in other religions. maybe because i was raised Christian and it's a part of my identity.

i know it's because of this void in me. this desperation. this disease. this death. i know i can never debate Christianity into you. i can't save you. you want your own belief, your own story, your own philosophy. all i can do is pray. pray for that desperation in you and pray that God will save you. that He will open your eyes and your ears and your heart. all i can tell you to do is seek the truth.

it's hard, painful, frustrating, but it's about endurance. and when all is said and done it's worth it. people will say you're closed minded, judgmental, unloving, a horrible person. we're all evil, we all want to live our own way. i'm telling you to look for God, for meaning, for life. you can't truly live on your own. you need grace. i need grace. pray for me.

God is love.

a change of heart

i don't know if i've had a change of heart or maybe a misdirection of worry and fear. big difference, i know. i imagined myself traveling around the world like some kind of nomad or wanderer. but i find myself wanting to settle. to settle down and start a family sounds like the normal thing to do, but i think it's an insane adventure that people choose to go on. people have always been looking for a purpose, a reason to exist, and have gone around looking and seeking for meaning to life and naturally it makes sense for all of us to wander, exploring the world. isn't it against our nature to settle; to mate with one person for the rest of our lives and raising kids to do the same. isn't that boring and wrong and unnatural? the more i think about it, i get scared. scared that i won't be able to provide, to nurture, to love. the more i think about it, i settle for the 9 to 5 job, the 2.5 kids, and house with a picket fence. the minivan, the family trips, and the holiday visits to grandma and grandpa. maybe it isn't so bad. and then i think about 20 years from now and whether i'll look back and say what could've been. hopefully i'll look at my family; my wife and kids and say i wouldn't have it any other way.

snow

i want to be

clean
pure
perfect

like untouched snow.

refreshing

you're the cool side of a pillow against my warm body.

rebirth

people are reborn every day
new faces, new noses, new lips,
new chests. regenerated with
new parts because you didn't
like the ones you were born
with.

breaking bones

you're taking everything i own
you're taking away my home
now i have no place to go
you're slowly breaking my bones

you're slowly breaking me down

at the bottom

at the bottom
i hope i find You
but i've hit rock.

i built and built
only to fall.
i was trying to get
by the skin of
my works,
but i've barely
escaped the flames.

but You're not
done yet. you've
saved me, so
let me begin again.
i will build on the Rock.
on this Rock that you
have graciously let me
fall on. build me up, so
i can build. i don't
want to barely escape,
but to hear that i
was faithful.

half fullempty

half full
half empty
half optimist
half pessimist
half our wits

lusts

we don't have needs
we just have lusts
i've sown no seeds
and now i'll return to dust
my eyes, plucked
my hands, cut
no we don't have needs
we just have lusts

oh, God i know i'm wrong
oh, i fell and now you're gone
oh, how can i pay back what i owe?
oh, i fell, i should have known
oh, how can i atone?
oh, i've reaped what i've sown
you can write my sins on my tombstone
you know there's nothing good in my bones
i hope you can make good of my soul

foundation

pull me apart
brick by crumbling
brick.

i won't fall
i promise
i won't fall

let the storms
come and
wash away
what i thought
i believed

i won't fall
i promise
i won't fall

let the winds
blow and tear
me down
i am built on
my good deeds
so

i won't fall
i promise
i won't fall

my house
has fallen
and i've
found that
my foundations
were built on
sand

i will fall
i promise
i will fall

seasons

seasons come and go.
seasons change into another.
people come and go,
some say we don't, that
we just change into another.

like leaves in fall and spring
we change colors, prettiest
as we near our end, we all
fall and become the ground
for others to grow in.

as the sun shines on
the ocean, we sparkle, we
glimmer, and enjoy our
glorious days. but we
will rise above as vapors
in the wind, like ghosts
above the earth, but
below the heavens
with nowhere to go.

but we will continue to rise
towards the Son, to become
a part of the clouds, to fill
them up until they become
heavy with gray. and we will
rain down upon the earth
so more trees can spring
and resurrect to life.

the new leaves will take in the bad
and breathe out good wind.
at the same time the wind
blows away decay in the fall,
but carries life to the flowers
in the spring. the wind carries
vapors above the earth and
towards the Son as the Spirit
so the cycle may continue its end.
believe in love or die in sin.

forgive/forget

can i move on from this?
can i forgive and forget?
or will i forgive to forget
or forget to forgive?

are they one and the same
or steps toward some
recovery? if i forget
won't i do it again,
if i forgive won't i
forget the lesson?

forgive/forget
forgive/forget
forgive/forget
forgive/forget
forgive/forget
forgive/forget
forgive/forget

if i sin for the 8th
time, will you still
forgive/forget
or have i reached
the limit?

is there any end to your
forgiveness or have i lost
count? i want to move on,
but echoes of my sins
still resound.

kiss/idle

it's all that's left
when you've given
your everything
to a fantasy

i gave it all away
to pictures in
a magazine,
videos on a
computer screen

i'm drained and
i'm on my way
out and all i wanted
was someone to
kiss goodnight.

* * *

i raised you up
and gave you praise.
you filled me for a
moment, nothing
gained.

i've learned that i can't
fill the void with you,
but you know that i'll
try again and again.

i felt for a moment,
but now i'm ice.
my wound feels numb,
but i'll scratch it until
it bleeds or until i can
feel it again. but you
don't care because you
don't feel at all.

i made you my idol,
but now i'm idle.

for my brothers and sisters

shoes

these shoes have kept my feet safe
they have been faithful
through rain and shine
i have walked and ran
without trouble
these shoes have stepped
on foreign soil. they have
become international.

they have taken me where i
wanted to go. from China
to the Tibetan grasslands.
from learning to dance with
orphans to dancing in circles
with kind strangers who gave
us something to eat.
these shoes have stepped in puddles,
in waste, on soil, on stone.
these shoes have been faithful.

i like to believe that these shoes still
have hints of those memories in the
soil, debris, feces that linger on the
bottom. i like to believe that at
times i'm in two places at once.
i think about where these shoes
have been and where they are now.

i like to think that they connect me
to where i was, to the people i've
touched. i hope they think of these
shoes when they think of me
because i like to think that they
are a part of me.

an extension, an ambassador overseas.

we drive in circles

i think we attach ourselves to the scenery we grow up around. i used to look forward to going home and seeing familiar faces. i used to want to stay. i wanted to eat and drink and make music and laugh about the things that unfolded throughout the night and the day after to repeat, repeat, repeat. i still have love for these things, although it is a different love, an evolved love. it is no longer the clingy, depressing, teary, woe-to-loss-of-tomorrow love. it has become something deeper, something mature, a love with purpose, a love that can carry on. many things have contributed to this change, but i like to compare it to a blind man getting his sight back, a deaf man hearing for the first time, a dead man rising again. i believe one day my eyes were opened to the fact that we were driving in circles all along. the fast food joints that we invested so much time in would remain, would expand, would follow me through my college degree, my 9 to 5 job, my 4 bedroom house, my 2.5 children, and it would continue forever through my descendants if they chose to continue the path that i was on. i've found that i don't mind driving in circles as long as there is meaning and i am not sure if there is any so far. sometimes i just want to get out of the car and walk. to not pay so close attention to where my feet will step and look around at the new scenery even if i may fall. i've found that it is all about the heart. and i pray for change to come so that out of that root may come good fruit. to be righteous, not fighting to be right; to love, not condemn; to know the difference between right and wrong and the courage to say so, not accepting all, not rejecting all; to be faithful, not to be blindly believe; and to live in hope, not to die in defeat. i realize that i want to follow, not lead; i want to point others in the right direction then maybe the places and things we used to love would follow us to where we're going rather than us chasing them. the path will be narrow and rough compared to the smooth, wide road that we drive on, but at least the path will be straight and take us to new places, new experiences, to life.

lyrics: take one

i was done for, Lord
i was dead in my inability to save
strong enough to dig my own grave
there was nothing left
all of my promises, never kept

so i gave up, i stopped trying
to earn my rights
you are the light, help me to
live in it

all i was was trying on my own
just fighting. denied that i had
limits but he was just lying
but i've found that we're all
just lost in this empty sound

so i gave up, i stopped trying
to earn my rights
you are the light, help me to
live in it

there is nothing else, there is nothing else
nothing else but you

photograph

for over 2 weeks my passport, old tickets, and a tibetan handcrafted pencil and pen case lie on top of my pillowcase on the floor of my room. and your picture lies hidden in my notebook; the picture is of me and you with my arm around your shoulder and we're making a peace sign or victory sign or just sticking two fingers up in a pose depending on what country we're in. i see the picture sometimes when it falls out of the notebook and i look at it and i put it right back where it was. i told myself i would frame the picture, but i haven't. it's not because i don't want to, it's not because i want to forget about you, but i want to protect you.

ever since i came back i have fallen back into my old ways. my sins, my lusts, all these things that i am ashamed of, that i don't want you to know about, that i wish that you will not even come across. but i know the things you will have to go through. the obstacles, the trials, the temptations, but you won't be aware of what they really are because you don't know. your eyes aren't open, but i hope they will be. i hope that God will call out to you, that He will make you aware of the emptiness and hopelessness that lies inside all of us, and i hope that you will go out and seek Him out. but i know that it will be hard, that you will fall, that unless God keeps you that you will die. so i hide you. i hide you in my notebook so you can't see the struggle, the hardships, the doubts, and the evil all around and inside me.

i want to save you. but i can't. i know only one who can, so i pray. i'm afraid that my sins have clouded me and have made me forget about you and all the love and good things that we had. i'm sorry, please forgive me. all i can do is give up. i give up trying to protect you and save you because i know that i am powerless to even save myself. so i give it all up to God and i hope that you will too one day. i pray for that. may love bind us all. God, have mercy on us all.

want

you know for the longest time
i had trouble thinking about you.
i still do sometimes and i think
it's getting worse and then better,
but now it's different.

i don't know what these other boys,
if there are any, think about you
or if there is a divine plan that
doesn't involve me and you.
but i've finally found the difference.

i've always fantasized about you
and me, but now i'm content to
stop. not as if i've had enough of
you, but because of the reason
to think of you as you are.

maybe one day a man will say
"i know you, i love you, marry
me." and maybe he does know
you and love you and that
satisfies him to be secure enough
to marry you.

but for me i'm not satisfied and
i won't be, not even if we were
married because i want to know
you. i will never know everything
about you, but i will keep wanting to.
when we are 20 years deep i want
to be surprised when you say,
"i really like orange."

i'm not sure if i love you, but
i want to and that has made all
the difference to me. and i hope
that it will be enough for you too.
you are my want, you will always
be my want, and that is my
commitment to you.

hope

today. today, i sinned against God, against myself, against people that i care about. i came back from china two days ago. for 3 weeks in china i woke, i ate, i drank, i conversed, i taught, i played, i read, i worshipped, i slept, and did it all over again. every day for nearly 3 weeks i did what i couldn't do here, in america, in a free country where millions of immigrants including my parents have sacrificed their today for their children's tomorrow. thousands of miles away in an oppressed, communist country i lived life for 3 weeks, i truly lived, i lived with purpose, something i couldn't do here.

and today. today, i sinned. i was scared. i was scared of going back to my old habits, my old self, my faithless living so i fell back into it to get it over with as if eventually i would've fell regardless of what i did in china, how my faith grew, how i loved God and people in china like i couldn't here. i didn't believe that i could move forward with everything i learned. i couldn't believe that things could be as good or better here than there. i lost faith. so i fell.

today i sat shirtless on the fairly new deck that my parents had built while i was away at college reading yesterday's Washington Post Magazine. the magazine featured an series of pictures that a woman had taken of kids in her old neighborhood in the late 80's and compared them to the pictures of the grown up kids taken as recently as last year. 20 years separated those pictures and the subjects of those pictures wrote little paragraphs of how they were and how they are now. they wrote about what is important in their lives now: about how love is the solution, if they are ready for the change that having kids will bring, about seeing past the surface into the inner depths. the sun beat down on my white chest, the same sun that beat down on me in the Tibetan grasslands. every single picture of these kids that have grown up seemed so disatisfying. i found no hope in any of these pictures or in any of these people that have grown up. ever since i came back i have felt empty and alone because i fear that there is no purpose here, no hope.

i have seen the desperation, the hope, and the joy on the other side of the world for something more, something that this life cannot offer. i was there, we were there desiring the same thing for them and for us. and now that we're back, i'm back, i lost that desperation. the same sun beats down on both sides of the world, it rises on the good and the evil, and we are all lost in the sound of separation. but here, in this country, we don't care, we'll find what we need on our own to drown out that sound. but i have seen good people and i have felt that nothing can drown out that sound except the desperation all people share in desiring God. there is nothing else. and i, i sinned today, but there is hope. the hope of glory in the end. Christ in me. and i'm desperate for that.

higher

i remember this dark, green radiator hidden behind a giant oak tree in front of the apartments i used to live in when i was a kid. it was probably only 7 or 8 feet tall, but when you're a 3 or 4 foot kid it's a climb. i used whatever nook i could find on this radiator to get my hands on the edge of the top and pull myself up with the little upper body strength i had. before climbing i would imagine what lay up there, so high above me. i wondered if there would be a chair waiting for me or a secret treasure that only i could find, something to reward my efforts because on the ground i was just a dreamer. but if i went higher i would be what happens when dreams come true. i would be happily ever after, i would be a king, i would be content. i climbed up this radiator to get away from wishful gazing, to be off the ground, to be closer to the dream, to be higher. i remember reaching the top and taking a look around. the top was decorated in fall leaves and dirt from other kids' shoes who had climbed before me. i crawled away from the edge to be closer to the heart of the radiator and i sat down. i wasn't disappointed, in fact, i was quite joyful. there was no treasure or chair waiting for me. there was no pat on the back or praise from the radiator or the trees surrounding me. just me breathing in the cool air as i stared into the branches, leaves, nature around and above me. i had done what i set out to do. i had climbed higher and was where i wanted to be. and that was enough. i was content.

i wonder why i want this so badly.
to feel and be felt. i tell myself
i want to be free from this fire,
my desire, but i go back to it
because i think i need it. maybe
i do. then after i tell myself
i want to be free. i am free.
but i am free from touch in this
touchless world and i want
to go back. but i want to be free
from the touch of my mind.
the illusion of my fantasy.
i need to feel.

when i am done
i sober up and
i see things as
they are
as they should be
but before and during
i am lost in what
could be and what cannot
and i wonder why
i want this so badly.

forgive/forget

how can i repay,
compensate,
relieve this
burden on
my shoulders.
i walk with a
heavy heart
worried if bad
luck will follow
me until my
debt is paid.
how can i get
up from this
guilt that
will crush me.
will i be overcome
by evil or
overcome by evil.
fire with fire.
because sometimes
all i can see is
the evil in me.
and i feel that
i have ruined everything
for me.
but nothing else matters
except You.
i need You.
i need Your mercy.
i'm forgetting my
forgiveness.
i need Your forgiveness.
i find that i cannot carry
on without it.

trying

that is all that i am.
i try to live, to love,
to hate evil, to seek
justice. when will
i be? love, seek, live as
i am supposed to.
when will i be human?
to be who i was
created to be.

spare change

i could spare some change,
to change your circumstances
so you would know that you
are loved.

you could spare some change,
but you don't want to.
stay in your bubble,
justify yourself, all the same.

we have spare change.
only God can change us,
give up our rights,
sacrifice what we call life.

could we spare some change?

this is all in my mind

you. you beautiful, you sick,
you crying, you healthy, you
laughing, you alive, you dead,
you better, you worse, you
kissing, hugging, loving me.

your scent, your touch, your
porcelain skin, you mouth, your
hips, your spirit, your everything.
i want to kiss your everything.

your image, you beautiful,
i'm with you. we're one.
this is all in my mind.

i am weary.
i am so sick of being weary
and so weary of being sick.

this sin of mine has blocked,
imprisoned,
killed me.

i am alive, but i am dead.
this sin of mine has killed
what makes me
me.

i find i have no clever remarks,
nothing worthy to say. i have been
reduced to an unoriginal, caged
animal.

i do what i hate. i am dying.
O God, save me!
Have mercy on me!
I desire mercy, not sacrifice.
Your words, not mine.

* * *

I find that sin in me is the death of me.
no longer just right and wrong, but a
darkness that will
do whatever it takes to
cover me, to
hide me, to
make me forget
who i am, to make
me just another patch
in a quilt of black.

where is the light?
show me what i am.
whether i am a conformist,
a plagiarist,
another lost soul.
show me how to be me.
to be original, to be who
i was created to be.
show me, that i may
change.

i want to live!
i want to love!
i want to play
my guitar!
whether i am
on key or off!
i want to feel
joy, depression,
loss, and hope.
i want to taste
the Son.
i want to smell
the earth.
i want to touch
the stars.
to see the things
unseen.
to hear and to
understand.
i want to hold, to
be held, to be let
go, to let go.
i want to be.

more

as you get older you have more responsibilities,
more freedom. you can do more.
stay out late, eat what you want, work, buy, exercise,
choose. smoke, drink, sex. all of the above.

more choices = more freedom

there is freedom in less.
there is freedom in not having to do
any of it. having the freedom to say no
i don't want to.

more freedom = harder to say no

m ss ng l tt rs 2

v w ls r mp rt nt

m ss ng l tt rs 1

m ss ng l tt rs ar l ke m ss ng t eth
y ur t ng e w ll f ll in the g ps.

all dogs go to heaven

if only my mistakes could be unmade by an oxy spray

is saying sorry

really enough? i didn't think you were one of those
who cared what people did with time. maybe you
care about what people do with your time and
i was too selfish to say that that time was yours.

i read poetry the entire time while you spoke
and others spoke about things that i thought
i knew enough about. you approached me
and i didn't see it coming.

all i saw were heels that looked too
old to be worn by my peers. you said
"outside is a nice place to read"
i said "i'm sorry"

you walked away as you said "it's okay,
well it's not okay, but..." and you stopped.
you left me hanging on your words.
i wonder if sorry was enough for you

the feeling of sorry or being sorry
or saying sorry. knowing that i can't
give you back your time or the respect
that i took from you.

all you had to say was "i forgive you"
or "it's okay" and you did, but you
didn't. "...well it's not, but..." doesn't
sit well with me.

and i deserve it. all i am now is sorry
in every way, shape, form and i can't
stop because i didn't hear "forgive"
like a song on repeat i keep repeating

sorry, sorry, sorry until you press the
"forgive" button and all is well with me.

monsters

live in the mind and in the
dark you seek them.
your hope is in your
blanket and your
nightlight.

as the blanket becomes
foggy and it gets
harder to
breathe.

what will you do?
you must
breathe.

in one
motion.

uncover.

breathe
slowly.

open your eyes
and see
nothing.

get up and wipe off your
sweat and turn on
the light that
reveals.

the light blinds and then you see
the monster beside your bed.
now that you see him
are you not
scared?