there's a lot i want to say so i need to outline this before i forget.
1. spark plug, engine, journey analogy
2. identity
ok nevermind that wasn't as much as i thought.

on to the spark plug and engine analogy. this actually is from mere Christianity but put into my words and metaphors. c.s. lewis talks about marriage and how most people confuse love with "being in love". i heard hulk hogan in an interview about his divorce and the question was, "do you still love your ex-wife, Linda?" he said, "of course i still love her, but i'm not in love with her." it seems most people find that if you're not in love than it's ok to divorce your spouse. c.s. lewis said it best:

"Now no feeling can be relied on to last in it full intensity, or even to last at all. Knowledge can last, principles can last, habits can last; but feelings come and go. And in fact, whatever people say, the state called 'being in love' usually does not last. If the old fairy-tale ending 'They lived happily ever after' is taken to mean 'They felt for the next fifty years exactly as they felt the day before they were married', then it says what probably never was nor ever would be true, and would be highly undesirable if it were. Who could bear to live in that excitement for even five years? What would become of your work ,your appetite, your sleep, your friendships? But, of course, ceasing to be 'in love' need not mean ceasing to love. Love in second sense--love as distinct from 'being in love'--is not merely a feeling. It is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit; reinforced by (in Christian marriages) the grace which both partners ask, and receive, from God. They can have this love for each other even at those moments when they do not like each other; as you love yourself even when you do not like yourself. They can retain this love even when each would easily, if they allowed themselves, be 'in love' with someone else. 'Being in love' first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. It is on this love that the engine of marriage is run: being in love was the explosion that started it."

and on to my unnecessary analogy because who can follow up c.s. lewis, right? anyway. being in love is the spark that starts the engine. accepting Jesus and surrendering to Him and God's will is the spark that starts it all. the engine keeps running and we drive on, we go on the journey for the long haul. road trip. but so often as christians we try to find that spark again. we want to feel that intensity, that fire, that explosion. but we don't realize that the spark was the beginning and we have to move on. what would happen if you kept trying to spark up your engine? yea that's right you'd die. well you wouldn't die, but your car would. people drain themselves, go into depression ::cough cough::, waste time, and lose faith by trying to do this. i pray that people won't do this and keep on fighting the good fight and following the Lord. i know i did this and it kept me from seeing a lot of things. and this leads me to who i am. it's simple. everyone else probably knows this, but i couldn't see what was in front of me. i am simply a Christian. and i know there are many stereotypes and negative views on that word and what kind of person is associated with that word. i believe that people don't know the full meaning and what that word captures and defines. even Christians don't know or people who claim they are. but that's another entry. and i'm happy right now to just know this.

i'm on fire. liar liar pants on fire. that kind of fire. and at the same time the fire of passion. lustful kind. this fire has been burning for years and i've never had the guts to put it out afraid of what i would burn on, feed on if there was no more. but i want to put it out. i will, God willing. i need to move beyond this, this mentality, this prison of mine. the freedom people say we have in choosing what is right and wrong for us has become my shackle. this sin in me that burdens me has become heavy and i can't bear it any longer. when this fire has had its fill i feel i can do more. that God has a plan and i'm alright. but soon after the fire returns to burden me and i don't trust God anymore, i don't see anything ahead of me except the heavy load that is on me. i want to look beyond all this. to have faith and trust in all times, good and bad. i want to trust so badly in God. this fire that burns in me isn't the fire that i need. i want true fire that will burn in me a passion that is pure and simple in heart. right now the fire has had its fill and i am a hypocrite because i hate the fire and yet i feed it when i want to feel its warmth. God i'm sorry for it all. i'll face the cold as long as it's with You. and i'll wait for the true fire. send down your spark.

lost

sorry i couldn't think of any movie title to fit the mood except the word lost which happens to be a tv show, a bad tv show which i think should be canceled anytime now. anyway onwards we go...

i remember growing up in the church and going to my first retreat. it was winter and it was the first time i was away longer than a sleepover, in fact it was a sleepover times 3. i was there for 3 nights or 2, my memory's a bit fuzzy. the important thing is that at that retreat i experienced God for the first time and unfortunately i also experienced my first spiritual high. i only say unfortunately because after that first high you only want more and the only time you look forward to it is at retreats. thus began a long, vicious cycle of dissatisfaction, loneliness, and sin which continues to this day. for the most part i've grown up. i'm in college, i'm on the verge of change as i switch majors and step into new responsiblities as a president of a fellowship. i have a lot on my plate and all i can think of is myself and my problems and how i'm going to do nothing about them.

needless to say i am lost. i used to look for those moments, those times of spiritual high when you feel God's presence and just feel at peace. i used to look for insight, for wisdom that would take all my problems away. i wanted that one moment where my life would change and i would be perfect.

i now know that i cannot be perfect and that Jesus is the solution for that incapability. Jesus is my cornerstone to a strong, healthy, godly life. and i know that having Jesus doesn't mean problems go away, but He'll work with me to overcome them. all i need to do is seek His kingdom, to do His will, to obey, to love. the worst part of me is that i can't, i won't do that. i find myself measuring myself by God's perfect standards and am disappointed when i fall, feeling like i'm going to hell. i feel like i'm making my own hell here on earth. but i can't shake these sins and i wish there was that one moment when everything would be ok. all i feel now is alone. i can't even meet God halfway. my sins have entangled me to the point where i am left looking at these hopeless shackles, wondering if i can be saved.

i see people still looking for those bits of insight, that moment when they fall to their knees and cry and praise God for His goodness and will and plan for them, that moment when their addictions loosen up on them, when answers to problems show up on a silver platter. i admire them because they're seeking something. they're looking. they look to God, they desire what He has to offer. i sit, i read the Word forgetting it after, i pray words wondering if they're heard. i don't look or search for God's will. i haven't desired God in a while, maybe i haven't desired Him at all, all i wanted was a way out of my problems i wanted to use God as that way.

now i'm lost.