diversion

distract me from what i really am
hide me behind laughter and silence
i want to be covered up; blanket me in
what i'm not, what i desire to be
because i don't want to feel the pain
of knowing what i'm not capable of

but that's not what i really need
take all these diversions from me

burn me up
burn me until i stop screaming
burn me until you see what i really am
burn me raw

i will be happy when i am refined
when i am refined i will have nothing
to be sad about so i won't cry
when i am refined there will be no
excuse for me to commit crimes

that's what i really need
take all these diversions from me

burn me raw
burn me until i shine
burn me until you see what i really am
burn it all away

worship

"There are only two kinds of people in the end: those who say to God, 'Thy will be done,' and those to whom God says, in the end, 'Thy will be done.'" -C.S. Lewis

we're all worshipers. i believe we grow up worshiping an ideal version of "you" whatever or whoever that might be. i grew up wanting to be a rich, good looking businessman that had the prettiest girl on his arm living happily ever after. i wanted to be the guys in the movies; i wanted to be james bond, rambo, the athlete, the romantic, the hero. i wanted to be the best, the richest, the most attractive. i wanted to be the desire of everyone's heart. i wanted to be a god. i wanted to be worshiped.

and now at 22 i find myself at these odds. the odds of self-worship against worshiping God. i thought that worshiping God would be easier; it's reasonable enough. give glory to the one who created you, but i find myself desiring my own praise. isn't this evil? doesn't all the evil in the world come out of some form of self-worship? people kill each other because something doesn't go their way; they're not pleased with another person, so they end it. people rape because they want pleasure and will do anything to get it. people steal to satisfy a desire. people cheat, abandon, lie to get their way. because at the center of it all it's a desire to please one's self above all. the devil has the same problem and now he's trying to feed that lie to as many as he can to drag down as many as he can to the hell that he's heading towards. worshiping God requires self-sacrifice; losing yourself; putting others before you. people don't like that. why? because you ask yourself, "well, what do i get out of it?" which is missing the point. i believe that when Jesus said that whoever keeps his life for himself will lose it and those who lose their life for me will find it, he meant that living for yourself isn't the way to live. that by worshiping God, the Creator, and losing yourself in Him you will find who you really are. you will find life in your death. that in self-denial; dying to yourself you will find what it means to truly live, to be like God, but not being God. it's not easy. i find myself natural becoming a devil, while struggling to worship and be like God. i'm happy to have this struggle though. it lets me know that i'm on the right track. that this struggle is the beginning of something that, when finished, will be my natural state, who i really am.

wedding

a man weds a woman. a woman weds a man. there is a wedding ceremony, wedding cake, wedding guests, wedding cards, wedding gifts, wedding pictures, wedding decorations, wedding reception, wedding vows. i think about all these things. the details of a wedding. i never think about what it really means to wed. i never thought about it as an action, just a bunch of details that people put so much care into. what does it mean to wed, to be married. there's a nice ceremony where people are dressed in their best, a reception where there is celebration for the honored couple, but we forget about the details that have become redundant over the years. the vows, the kiss, the guests. what does it all mean?

the vows. aren't vows for knights? for samurais to honor and would fight to the death for? isn't it for that one guy who gets saved by a kung fu master and is indebted to him for life? vows are forever, right? when the action hero takes a vow of vengeance upon the person who killed his family, we expect the hero to follow through. he may get tired, weary, discouraged, but we expect fully that he will get his revenge and that he will make good on his vow. but of course we expect that in a movie. it wouldn't make much of a film if he changed his mind or found another woman to start a family with and forgot about his vow. we'd have serious questions about his character and his intentions. why is it so different with marriage. people are getting divorced left and right. have they forgotten their vows? when they made them, didn't we expect them to follow through? when they said that they would be together until death no matter what circumstances would arise, did we just think that it was a euphemism? maybe i didn't take it so seriously because no one else did. but it just makes us out to be liars. the vows are real. there may be times when you wish you weren't married, when you wish the person you were married to were different, when you want to cheat, when you want to leave, when you want to end it. we want the easy way out. but when we don't keep the vows it kills the relationship and the people involved in it. it hurts the other person when you want to be selfish and break the vows. but remembering them and keeping them keeps the marriage intact. the vows keep the couple alive. the vows are for life.

the kiss. i don't have much experience in this department. i think every kid knows kisses are sometimes wet and sloppy, but the people that kiss you care for you. one day you're too old to be kissed good night and its time to find someone else that you can kiss. the kiss isn't just a physical sweet gesture that lets everyone know that you are together or that you care or that you share the same bed. i believe its symbolic. when you kiss at your wedding you're saying this is my spouse whom i love and will love until death and the only one who i will kiss as long as i live. i don't think its a sin to kiss your parents and your children or a close friend, but that's why the bride and groom kiss lips. i don't know how the kiss came about. maybe adam and eve were hanging out and one of them suggested to the other if they wanted to touch mouths. "like the thing i use to put food into and chew and swallow?" "well, maybe not teeth, but just the outer part of the mouth." and the kiss was born. or maybe they didn't find touching nostrils and ears quite the same thing as touching lips. i figure you don't kiss everyone you meet and that it's reserved for someone you care about and want to share your life with. maybe that's why the kiss comes after the vows. it's a seal. a promise to keep the vows.

the wedding guests. yes, you will invite people that you have never seen before, but at least you can get wedding gifts or money to pay off the wedding from them. but the guests are more than guests. they're witnesses. your best man, maid of honor? men and women to keep you accountable, to make sure that you are making a lifelong choice and that you must keep it. the guests testify to your vows, your kiss, and your lifelong journey together as one. the witnesses are going to be one of the reasons that you keep your vows. you don't want to tell everyone that you have broken your vows that they were witness to. it's shameful and you become a liar. you break the faith that they had in your marriage bond. they don't know all the details of your married life. they don't know what he's really like. they don't know how she treats me. but they care. they care enough to be there to see you join together as one. but i don't want to stay with her or him for their sake, what about what i want? this is what you wanted. you wanted forever. you wanted vows, kiss, the witnesses, and everything. if you didn't mean it, then you shouldn't have. this is why there are no divorce ceremonies. we don't celebrate it. we say forever and mean it. weddings are the beginning of no end.

i am scared to be happy. i used to be scared of thunder storms. i remember one time i was at my grandmother's house and i was lying on the couch as it began to thunder and rain. i could feel the dampness in my hair as sweat seeped through my nervous pores. i heard cracking as an unfortunate tree got hit by lightening and i saw severed branches on the ground where it didn't belong. the wind began to blow and rain started to pour and every so often a flash of light alerted my attention and fears towards the storm. i imagined my father, who was coming to pick us up, in a horrible accident. maybe a tree limb fell on his car, maybe the car slipped on the road, maybe lightening struck him, who knew? but he came. and i was relieved as me and my sister left to go home where it was safe, where i knew everything would be in its right place and be there to stay.

i realize that i wasn't so much scared of the lightening, the rain, and the wind themselves. i was scared of the effect that they would have on me. and the same fear grips me now. happiness? happiness i can't grab, i can't hold onto, and no matter how tight i may grip it it can go away. i am scared to be happy because i know that at any instant it can be taken away. of course, this is true in all things. i can lose any part of my body to disease or accident; i can lose my family or friends through death; i can lose myself in my depression. so why happiness? why does it matter so much? maybe i've grown up listening to too many happily ever afters. no one tells you what happens after happily ever after because happily ever after means forever. people living happy forever. but the more i've grown up the more that isn't true. disappointment, failure, crushed hopes have all the more watered my fear making it grow into this giant tree whose shade i'm under, not allowing any sunlight to touch me for fear of being burned.

the more i stay under this tree, the more i feel the vines of pride strangle me and hold me down to where i don't belong. i don't belong under this tree of fear. i want to be free and i want to cut these vines that are holding me down. cutting them hurt because it seems that they have become a part of me, stuck on me like tape, like a bandaid i don't want to rip off because it'll pull out some of my hairs with it, but wounds need to breathe to heal. and i want to breathe and heal and i may get burned, i may fall, i may lose it all, but God will help me rise again. the God of redemption and hope in whom we can't be disappointed in, in whom there can be no failure. so God help me to lay it all out there. cut these vines so i can cut down this tree and give me seeds that will grow to bear fruit.

the great impression

what is this that presses itself on me so heavily. am i pressing down on myself or is it something else. this fear, this worry, this depression leaves a great impression on me. i have food, water, clothes, a bed, parents, an education. i have no reason to be depressed. no reason to be greatly depressed. but i feel without hope. where is my God. is He above watching me in my misery or is He next to me as i begin to grow numb to the distractions that i surround myself with, that i fill my eyes with. i am afraid that one day i will wake up alone. and i am afraid that i will say to myself, "see, i told you so." because i expect the worst. i expect the worst in every situation.

people say to me that i am relaxed and cool when things don't bother me the way they bother others. i am not relaxed or cool. i am expecting worse. i still do. i am expecting everyone to leave me one day because of the impression of my depression and i look forward to that day because the worst will be over and i will be at the bottom. i will no longer have to fear anything worse because it has already happened. and once i am at the bottom, i will stay there because to climb is to fall.

i want to enjoy the time God has given me. no matter how short. sin and sorrow hide in dark corners and i may lure myself to their familiar grasp. so i've already lost precious time. God desires perfection and so do i. His Son will stand in my place when all is said and done because i'm broken. i wonder if He's disappointed in me. i know i am. i wonder why i can't stop doing the things i hate. i wonder if i truly hate them.

i'm hoping that love will kick in the door sometime soon to pull out from the bottom. but i'm afraid of being dropped back in. God is good i've learned. He isn't tempted by evil. but He can redeem it for His good. how i desire this. how i desire to be impressed by Him rather than my depression.

i see your body
your everything
i see my desire
i devour

but i don't see
beyond your flesh
i don't see what
drove you to
this

i see my lust
and the means
to an ugly end
i'm unfocused
breathe
focus

i know who
you are
a daughter
a sister
a lover

i see what
i've become
selfish
weak
a sinner

i walk away
and pray
for forgiveness
for love
for strength

i walk away
and i die
to rise again
anew
because
i don't want
to hear
a father's cry