the lives of flies

the lives of flies are no different from ours
one clap and you'll be gone for good
buzz buzz buzz while you still can
one day you won't escape, it'll be over
your life taken by a hand

so talk to that girl you've had a crush on since 1st grade
live for today because you won't always have tomorrow
who cares what people think, they're just as flawed as you
and most of the time what you're thinking is what they're thinking too

The Doctor was a shy boy. He never spoke much unless spoken to. Whenever a conversation came about a movie or a musician he knew much about, he stayed quiet afraid to voice his opinions because of what others might think. The Doctor wasn't a handsome boy at this point. Acne had started its reign on what used to be smooth, pale skin. Perhaps his inability to voice his thoughts came from the insecurities of his appearance. The Doctor was not the doctor he would someday become, but just a Boy. The Boy had short jet black hair, but was long enough in the front to cover the acne on his forehead. The Boy had a high and thick nose with big lips below that would rarely curl into a smile. He had full cheeks, almost chubby, and had average size eyes that would shrink when he smiled which was not often. The Boy wasn't overweight, but was certainly not in shape. His arms had no shape, just long and loose and the only exercise his legs had ever got was from walking. He had a stomach that stuck out, but he wouldn't need to suck it in. The Boy was not attractive. If one could imagine him without the previously mentioned features one could find something enjoyable on his surface. For now however that was difficult to imagine since one could not stare at this Boy and not feel a bit repulsed. The Boy walked into the high school for his first day. Nervous and alone he walked to his first class. The Boy was the only one in the class, even the teacher was not present. The Boy sat at a desk near the back and waited for more students to fill up the class. As time passed and it came for the class to begin, the Boy found something strange. He found that he was still the only one in the class. Obviously the Boy began to panic wondering all sorts of possibilities to explain this strange event. Perhaps the school was being evacuated or he was being set up for some freak experiment or perhaps, just maybe he was on a hidden camera show. As soon as he thought these things no sooner had the teacher walked in, a middle aged woman who showed no interest on her face whatsoever. She had straight brown hair that came down to her shoulders, a sharp nose, thin lips, and glasses that looked as though she stole them from Harry Potter himself. The Teacher wore no makeup and her clothes did not make up for what she lacked in her physical features. The suit she wore was gray and looked as though it was bought 10 years ago at a thrift store never to be washed or ironed again. The Boy was less than excited.
"Welcome to Advanced Biology. As you can see you were the only one brave enough to face the demanding hours of effort required in this course."
"Or the only one brave enough to face you," thought the Boy.
"Do you have any questions?"
"Uhh, no."
"Good, here's a syllabus, you may read it later at home before you do your homework. Now let's begin. Now, biology is..." No sooner had she uttered those words another stepped into the classroom. The Boy sighed with relief that there was another soul to bear with him the torture that was sure to bestowed upon him as the class progressed. He looked up and whatever breath was left in him was knocked out of his body. For before him was not merely another soul, but a female soul. The Boy knew he was far from perfection, but realized that this girl was the closest he could ever get to perfection. The Girl had fiery, red hair that came a little past her shoulders, hazel eyes that penetrated the core of anyone who dared to stare into them, a high and straight nose, full, pink lips that glistened, and porcelain skin. Softly she asked, "Is this Advanced Biology?"
"Yes, you're late. Sit down."
As the Girl went to sit down the Boy could not help but stare at her body. Lean and smooth, every curve flowed effortlessly to the next. To say this was an hourglass shape would not suffice. The Girl's body was a roller coaster and the Boy wanted to ride it. To be the only boy, much less the only other student, in class with this girl was a blessing the Boy couldn't believe. To say the least the Boy was looking forward to Advanced Biology.

The Doctor

The Doctor sat in his room waiting. He sat in the chair behind his desk where he had filled out prescriptions and conversed over with his patients. The sun shone through the windows and the dust floated through the air as the light made it visible. The Doctor sat in the shadows as to avoid the light which was no easy task as the light broke through in all directions. It was now just dawn and the Doctor had been up the night pondering, staring blankly in one direction. The Doctor wasn't an insomniac, to the contrary, the Doctor was exhausted and yet he could not sleep. All he could do was think. Think. Think. Think. He had stayed up for a reason. That reason was that the Doctor had found out the previous day that he was dying. "The irony," he thought. For years he had helped countless patients with whatever illnesses that ailed them. For years he had given good news and bad. For years he had dealt with death, but never thought that one day he would also taste of the same cup that so many of his patients had. Cancer. How could he of all people get cancer? The Doctor had been on a diet for most of his medical life. College was the worst part of his life when it came to his diet, but surely that was forgivable as everyone lived off ramen and pizzas. Of course the Doctor had had his share of fast food, alcohol, and an occasional cigar, but in moderation. The Doctor didn't have a gym membership anymore, but rather worked out at home doing mostly calisthenics that wouldn't wear and tear his body like weights used to. The Doctor had no immediate family, no wife, no children, and therefore no stress. The cancer was a shock to all of his friends, well to the medical staff at the hospital who were not really friends, but mostly acquaintances forced to convene with the Doctor out of work ethics. The Doctor's friends had all married off and went their own ways. The Doctor did not bother to keep in touch, for what had he in common with them anymore? They were married, he wasn't. They had children, he didn't. They cared, he didn't. The Doctor wasn't a mean person, he was rather nice to the children that he treated, and treated everyone else with respect. The Doctor was just indifferent to many things. He had given good things without sounding happy and without a smile. He had given bad news with neither a sympathetic tone or even a merciful one. The Doctor did his work with diligence and did not converse unless spoken to. The Doctor was a ghost in the hospital, almost invisible to many of the staff members. Many did not know that he had worked in the hospital for years, but accepted that the Doctor liked to keep to himself and no one would refuse him that wish.
On this particular day the Doctor was overcome with emotion. No emotion came from his expression, but from his eyes. The eyes that have never glimmered or given a hint of satisfaction now revealed sorrow. The Doctor had always felt alone, but now facing death he was shaken by the fact that he was indeed alone. This was not the only thing that had kept him up all night of course, but everything else stemmed from this one fact. After realizing his death was a reality, the Doctor had realized that he had no one to tell. Well he had people to tell such as the people he worked with, but he had no one to care. There was no one that cared about what happened to the Doctor. He, in the first time in years, felt the overbearing loneliness that would consume him and he did not like it. The Doctor stayed up all night thinking and remembering his life. Life, is said, to flash before one's eyes right before death. The Doctor was not right before it, but was running towards it. So his life also will not flash before his eyes, but will be played as a film in his mind. The Doctor played all the times in his life that seemed important to him, all the times in which he was not alone. The first memory started playing several hours earlier the previous night. He was in high school then...

Jesus Christ i'm alone again
could You spare some blood for my sins
before it's too late
because i can't take
any more of what i'm asking for

Father i'm doubting again
i can't see what's ahead
i don't care if anyone knows my name
as long as i have someone to share my pain

no one prepares you for this. when lives are taken there's no manual that says "in case of shooting, step 1..." some people curse to express the shock, to just relieve their emotions. some people cry, some people pray, some people feel numb. i prayed. i feel numb. i tried to feel. all i could think of was myself. what about the dead? what about the families? i am indifferent. i am selfish. i don't feel anything. i did something when i should've done nothing. i did something to feel. if only i didn't i would something.

woke up at 7 got dressed for a test
walked past my other class
it was back to my bed

woke up at 10 and heard the ring
picked it up and all i hear
a madman on a killing spree

i was indifferent
didn't feel bad about it
but now i'm sorry
sorry for what i did (nothing)

went back to bed at 30 after
tried to go to sleep
but all i could think of was me

got up couldn't take it
relieved myself of this
took a shower to wash away the sin

i was indifferent
didn't feel bad about it
but now i'm sorry
sorry for what i did (nothing)

here i am, part of the crowd
wondering how it all happened
and how it's going to go down

does sin lead to sin
i did something when i should've done nothing
and now i wait for it to be over, to be forgiven

it's all the same

hey i have a question
is murder worse than cheating on your wife
or is it worse to take your own life

will i go to hell for killing myself and being subtle
or will i live by saving you the trouble

it's all the same to me
from stealing to blasphemy
you know it's true
you just deny the truth

is it worse to have sex
or to have 2 men wed
is it wrong for me to judge
when i am better then some

i haven't killed but if thoughts count
than send me to jail and don't let me out
i haven't touched only looked but if thinking's the same
then call me a criminal and take me away for rape

i know i'm no good but i've only done a few bad things
but if one bad thing corrupts the whole
God have mercy on my eternal soul

addict

it feels too good to stop
i know it's wrong
it's all i have relieve me
i've been addicted too long

i need a quick fix
just this once
last one i promise
just this once

it fills the void in me
even if it's just for a second
i feel alive and loved
even if it's just for a second

i need more, it isn't enough
i need to feel something
i want to stop, i've had enough
i need to feel something

i'm going to quit
i'm going to be free
i'm going to feel alive
good riddance to the old me

it's harder than i thought
i've failed more than i like to admit
it's going to take something more
but someday i will quit

...

Peace

exalt yourself
be humbled
humiliate yourself
be exalted

pride is on the rise
this is the start of my demise
i won't make it
i won't get the prize

it's worth my life
i tell myself time to time
i don't make it
i feel a part of me die

i haven't won
i don't feel love
will i make it
i won't give up



i don't hate my sin enough
maybe that's why i can't let go
i don't love God or people enough
that is why i'll never know

i can't shake that feeling
temptation gets the best of me
i want to believe
i need to be relieved

i'm addicted, i can't stop
i want to, but i forget about what's involved
i only see the end and not the struggle
i'm missing a piece of the puzzle

i don't get it

i don't understand grace
i don't understand love
why would God care enough
to be put up on a cross?

i do what i want
i do what i hate
i want to do right
i have a choice everyday

i always choose now
i don't care about the future
i'm not scared to die
i'm scared of what come after

am i a walking disease
is there a cure for me
is it ever too late
i won't know until i'm dead

is it possible to be perfect
is it possible to be truly good
well i haven't met anyone perfect or good
i've only seen pride and lust

will faith do me good
will hope do me justice
have i ever tried?
will i ever try?

out of faith, love, and hope
love is the greatest
i'm so desensitized
i can't feel it

love to obey
obey to love
where do i begin
i have none of the above

for now i can't feel
i can't see
i feel bad
because nothing bad happens to me

i do bad, but good happens to me
is this love?
guilt overwhelms me, but i still do bad
i feel the same after confession

i don't understand faith
if i just believe
will everything be ok
or will my sins haunt me

i have a choice everyday
i can choose faith
or choose the same fate
it's not a hard choice

i choose the same fate
i feel guilty again
i choose faith
i live

i have a choice everyday
the decision isn't hard to make
i want to live
but today i feel guilty again.

Crime and Punishment

“If there is no God, everything is permitted.” Fyodor Dostoevsky said this with words, but illustrated it through his book Crime and Punishment. The first laws given to man are known as the Ten Commandments, given to man by God. If God does not exist what room is there for morality or law of any kind? What is man that he has the right to tell other men how to live? Fyodor Dostoevsky articulates, through Raskolnikov’s struggle with guilt and pride, that God must exist.
After Raskolnikov kills the pawnbroker and her sister, Raskolnikov is struck with panic and paranoia. Raskolnikov is sometimes delusional in his ways because of his crime. Raskolnikov tried to be “extraordinary” in trying to overleap the boundary that stood in his way of committing a lesser evil for the greater good. Raskolnikov indirectly tried to deny God’s existence by being a logical thinker. By being reasonable Raskolnikov tried to permit his criminal actions by justifying it through what the world deemed “good intentions.” Napoleon was used as a figure to represent the world and secular desires. Napoleon murdered millions of people to bring peace to the land and was therefore justified. Raskolnikov tried to do the same thing, but he did not get to justify his means because he never got to them. Raskolnikov was overwhelmed by the murders that he left the scene as soon as he could. The initial thought would be that Raskolnikov fled the scene and did not steal much from the pawnbroker because of guilt, but that that is not so much the case. It is pride that has struck Raskolnikov, and his failure to justify the means with the end sickens him to the point where he walks around delusional with a guilty conscience damaging his pride.
The concept of guilt is that it is what makes humans, humans. When a person does something wrong, the initial feeling is guilt, a feeling of repulsiveness and regret. The feeling of guilt indicates that something is wrong, that a law or unwritten rule has been broken, that something did not go as it was intended. Guilt indicates something deep down inside a person, something that has always been there. Guilt indicates that man was meant to live in a certain way and if man doesn’t live that certain way then man feels as if something is wrong, that a law or rule has been broken. Guilt proves if an action committed is wrong or not. If someone has killed another and is not guilty, the world would deem that person mad. This is why people such as Napoleon and Hitler are looked down upon rather than admired. Napoleon tried to bring unification to the land by murder and Hitler tried to cleanse the world by murder. Both tried to justify their actions through their “good intentions.” Both are looked upon by the world as mad men while ironically both men thought they were doing the world good. Both men did not feel guilt. This is where Raskolnikov differs, he does feel guilt, he is haunted by the actions he committed. Napoleon is looked upon by Raskolnikov as something more than a man. Raskolnikov sees Napoleon as a god because Napoleon has overstepped the boundary set by God, do not murder. Raskolnikov thinks something is wrong in that he cannot bring himself to overstep the boundary. Raskolnikov’s pride is injured in that he is not more than a man, that he is not a god.
Raskolnikov realizes that he is just a human, an ordinary man who is subject to God’s law. It is shown that while overstepping God’s law may make someone more than a man, it is not intended for man to become something more, and being more is not always meant to be good. Keeping the boundary of God’s law gives man freedom to live life as it was intended and though it may not seem noble to live within the boundaries of law; that is what sets man free from not only guilt, but of pain and suffering. Raskolnikov realizes that he is dead, that committing crimes has killed him on the inside. Raskolnikov wants to live, to be resurrected. Sonya is the messenger of good news, telling Raskolnikov that the only way to live is to confess and suffer for one’s misdeeds. Raskolnikov is yet too stung by his pride to do anything about it, but because of Sonya Raskolnikov confesses and suffers. Raskolnikov is man, and man would’ve lived in peace for eternity if man hadn’t fallen into sin, trying to overstep the boundary of God’s law. Now man must live to endure the pains of life and all else to live within the boundary of God’s law, to be resurrected into the eternal life that man once had.
There are many Biblical allusions in Crime and Punishment to Christ and Lazarus involving death and resurrection. Crime and Punishment’s themes involves the death of man due to sin, but also the redemption of man through suffering. Dostoevsky incorporates Christian ideology into a story that says pride is man’s downfall and there is redemption through self-sacrifice. As God created man to be good, Raskolnikov is not shown as an evil person. Raskolnikov helps out Marmeladov and his family by giving the family money and trying to get a doctor to save Marmeladov’s life. Dostoevsky shows that man was initially good through Raskolnikov’s good nature. Through Raskolnikov’s theory that a man can become “extraordinary”, something more than a man, he falls into sin, out of morals, and out of place with God. Raskolnikov becomes worldly by thinking he can be more than a man, thinking he can set up his own rules and live in his own world. By murdering, Raskolnikov admits that he thinks he can be more than he was meant to be. The guilt and pride of Raskolnikov prove to him that he is not, that no one is “extraordinary” and if that person is then that person is not human. Sonya is an example of a sinner not yet resurrected, but knows the way to freedom, to life. Sonya leads Raskolnikov to repentance, confession to make peace with God. Raskolnikov’s way to confess the crime is, as Gibian said, suggestive of “Christ’s passion on the road to Golgotha.” Raskolnikov voluntarily goes to confess and takes his punishment like Christ to be resurrected. To make a new life for himself, Raskolnikov sacrifices himself for the sake of others like his sister, Dunya, who was willing to marry Luhzin for money. Even though Raskolnikov confesses he does it unwillingly, accepting Sonya’s ideology hesitantly. When Raskolnikov goes to confess and finds out that Svidrigailov has committed suicide, Raskolnikov walks out without confessing, but seeing Sonya in the distance he goes back to confess.
There is no remorse in Raskolnikov, no regret, his pride is still hurt and he has not gotten over it. Raskolnikov confessed for Sonya and his new convictions of Sonya’s beliefs in redemption. There is still something missing. It is only because of Sonya that Raskolnikov has hope. Through all his agony of living with the consequences of his actions, Raskolnikov still lacked one thing. Raskolnikov was haunted by images of the victims of his crime, he walked around delusional and anxious with paranoia, and he couldn’t take it all by himself. Raskolnikov went to Sonya thinking she could relate with him and she led him in the right direction. Raskolnikov suffered mentally for his actions, and he was willing to take in the new ideals and beliefs that Sonya offered to be redeemed, but he lacked an emotion. That emotion is love. Without love or any kind of selfless emotion, Raskolnikov couldn’t have changed or resurrected even if he tried.
When Raskolnikov is sentenced to prison, he doesn’t feel any repentance, no change. Raskolnikov feels as if an error has been made on his part and that his crime was no more than a miscalculation. Pride has made Raskolnikov think that his confessions were a result of a weakness rather than an honest attempt of living a new life. When Raskolnikov dreams of a virus that sweeps the world into thinking that everyone is “extraordinary”, Raskolnikov realizes the error of his ways. If everyone in the world was “extraordinary” everyone would destroy one another. Raskolnikov meets with Sonya and realizes that he loves her and through love Raskolnikov is able to change, to resurrect himself to redemption.
The entire theme and main point of Crime and Punishment is to prove that indeed God exists. Deep down inside, man knows when something is not right and something is not going the way it was supposed to. Guilt and pride makes everyone human, and also flawed, but love redeems the worst of men. Man fell from God trying to be “extraordinary” and suffered the consequences of man’s own actions. Man realized that trying to be more than what man was created to be was wrong and tried to start fresh, anew. Man realized that man could not do this alone and certainly without paying the price. Man pays the price, to suffer for man’s sins, to repent, and to love. Love brought hope and that brought light to an end of a dark tunnel. Through deep psychological and emotional characterization in Crime and Punishment Dostoevsky said simply man may not see the evidence of an existing God physically, but through actions and consequences every human holds the evidence of an existing God in his soul.









Bibliography

George Gibian, "Traditional Symbolism in Crime and Punishment," PMLA, Vol. LXX, No. 5, December, 1955, pg. 970-996.

Francis Hackett, "Crime and Punishment,” Horizons: A Book of Criticism, B.W. Huebsch, 1918, pg. 178-185.

J. Middleton Murry, “Fyodor Dostoevsky: A Critical Study,” Martin Secker, 1916, pg. 263

Will I?

will i go to hell for the things i've done
or will i go to Heaven by giving one confession
will i die at any given moment
or will i die on my bed
and repent with my last breath?

will i always fall to temptation
or will i make up for time wasted
will i replace my sin with good deeds
or will i continue to slip
is repentance a myth?

will i be forgiven
or will i continue to sin
will i get what i deserve
or will i be saved
by just accepting grace