learning

you know how in disney movies the supposedly nonredeemable character goes through obstacles and circumstances that he or she would never have gone through before to come out transformed, a new character with new actions.

in beauty and the beast, the beast was "unlovable" until belle loves him and he's transformed into a handsome, white (i think he should've been black because of that manly, soulful voice, but disney, right?) prince.

the old dude in Up is turned from a bitter old man into a mentor/father figure at the end of the film because he realized that all the adventure that he needed and wanted with his wife already happened while she was alive.

in freaky friday, the mother and daughter switch bodies, so that they will learn what it's like to be in each others' shoes and to understand, hence growing closer together.

and in blah blah blah. the list goes on forever and will continue to grow.

my question and sort of pondering is this.

am i going through that same thing right now?

for the past 6 months almost, more likely 5, i've been in pain and don't get me wrong i'm way better off now than 4 months ago, but am i missing a lesson here?

i believe things happen for a reason and that God's got a lesson to be learned in all circumstances. the most apparent lesson that i need to learn is patience.

i am impatient. not with waiting for my hot pocket to be done or waiting in line at the dmv, but with learning lessons themselves. i want to know it all, do it all, and be done with it all.

but i'm not done. not as close to done as i would want to be, which would be to be done.

i am impatient. i've come to terms with that. i want to say that i've gotten more patient in the past few months, but at the same time i ask myself how much patience do i need?

and that is where the problem lies.

love God and love people? ok. how do i do that? how much? what do i do? when is it enough? when will my quota of love be fulfilled?

tithe? how much? 10%? every week? every paycheck? what my heart allows me to give? to charities? organizations?

go on missions? share the Gospel? how many people? pray for her? him?

what do i have to do to earn God's love? His favor? when will He be happy with me? i'll do whatever it takes. i'll work all my life to earn it. when i sin and He doesn't like me anymore, i'll make it up to Him. i promise. He'll be proud of me. one day, i'll be worthy.

i'll work 'til the day i die. i'll do whatever He wants. as long as He promises to love me and accept me.

i'll do anything and everything. but i'll fail. like i always do. i'll say i'm sorry and ask You to forgive, but i won't feel forgiven. i'll pray to love more, but i don't feel loved. i'll remind myself of truth, but i will believe the lie.

i tell myself that i will learn. God will teach me. i'll learn and never forget. but i do. will i ever really learn? or will i constantly struggle to accept the truth? will i be too late in the end?

i know that i will always be learning, but never fully learned. and i'm ok with that now. i just want to know the Truth. i don't want to keep asking the same questions anymore.

i think i think too much

i really do. whether the devil is coaxing me and tempting me with unreasonable and illogical thought patterns or whether i'm just paranoid and fatalistic, i spend most of my time in my thoughts. and i buy into many of them. some are ambitious. some say that i'll be famous one day, that i'll be a good writer, that i'll have a lot of money, and live a good life. i want to believe them. some others say that i'll be alone, that the worst is yet to come, and that i will die miserable, unloved and unknown. i fight to not believe them.

if i choose not to believe any of these thoughts, will i be better off? i believe that God can work in these thoughts. but at the same time they get the best of me and i find myself believing lies and irrational prophecies of my own deduction. do i turn it all off? i don't have the power to do that. you say don't think about it, i think harder. the more i think about ambitious thoughts the more i realize that it can't come true. the more i think about evil ones the more i realize how powerless i am to keep them from coming true. the more i realize how powerless i am the more i feel that they are inevitable.

the harder i think and the more i lose hope. the more i think the more i think about evil days. the more i think the more my jealousies rage. the more i think the more i think "i'm not worth it. the world's better off without whatever i am."

i get sucked into these delusions, but i've found strength to fight them. but i feel if any of my horrible thoughts would come true i would lose once and for all. if one thought came to be i would realize my worst fears and find that it was true all along.

i've found myself at a point of surrender. if i give up these things to God, then i may have hope. the remnants of fear or worry may linger, but if i can have hope in One who can redeem me i feel that i can go on no matter what thoughts may come true. i find that it's really not complicated. it's simple. at least i think it is.