i think it'd be easier if karma was real.
maybe not karma in a what comes around goes around. maybe more of a you reap what you sow. maybe they're similar to each other in a lot of ways like people say that Buddha and Jesus are. maybe i'm being blasphemous right now. forgive me, Lord, if i am. now that brings me to my point, which is what if God worked on a rewards based "relationship." kind of like an employer/employee thing.
you clock in. you put in your "good" work and you clock out hoping that the "bad" won't be enough to outweigh the hard work you put in earlier. i used to live like this. maybe i still do.
i live like i can do enough to good to tip the scales in my favor of salvation, blessing, love, grace, etc. when i sin, i feel lower than low. i feel like there's no hope. i ask for forgiveness, but i just write a mental i.o.u. to God hoping that i can pay Him back for his forgiveness. but by now, the i.o.u.'s have piled up like late bills and i have no idea how to pay them off.
it'd be easier to ask for mercy and to be forgiven of all this debt, but then again i think wouldn't it be easier to just keep the reward/punishment program to continue. i can always file for bankruptcy later when i'm at my end, but for now i can grind it out. a couple of big payments and i'll be out of the hole... for a little while.
it's difficult because with grace i take advantage of it and i use it as an excuse to sin, but with works i'm trying and trying to save myself like i'm trying to keep from drowning on dry land.
it'd be easier if i gave up. it'd be easier if i kept fighting. it'd be easier if i did both. it'd be easier if i wasn't making it so hard.
God, please help.
