freed slave

freedom. that's what people think of when they think of America.
"I believe in America..." that's the first line to the Godfather.
believing in America means believing in the American dream.
start from scratch and become rich.

but it's not enough. you want your kids to live the dream too.
start from riches and become richer. from generation to
generation, it becomes more about the individual.
it used to be about family.

each generation gets more selfish. looks for its place
in the world. for purpose. so they look to pleasure,
luxuries, and if anything gets in the way of it
they will fight for the freedom to have them.

the freedom to do what you want. to play video games
all day. to eat what you want and when you want and however
much you want. to have sex with whomever you want.
if it doesn't hurt anyone then it's ok.

i wonder if people see what i see.
this freedom that has enslaved us.
why do we smoke, drink, pleasure.
because we can.

i challenge you to stop. why?
because i can and i don't think you
can. try to stop. you'll find yourself
to struggle. as i do.

is this the freedom that our forefathers
dreamed about? it used to be simple.
work hard. love your wife. teach your
children. help your neighbor.

these aren't enough anymore. we are taught
to want more. there has always been a desire
in us for more. this longing to know why you
are here. who created you.

the longing for God is still here. it is filled
with cars, shoes, clothes, money, and other
things. but when you are old and gray and
your lust for women is gone

where will you turn to. retired, living off
your pension, collecting seashells on a
seashore. maybe you'll enjoy it, or you
will realize that you've done nothing with life.

find freedom. it isn't this. whatever this is.
look for freedom and escape the prison
of your mind and spirit. there's more.
there has to be.

there's a lot i want to say so i need to outline this before i forget.
1. spark plug, engine, journey analogy
2. identity
ok nevermind that wasn't as much as i thought.

on to the spark plug and engine analogy. this actually is from mere Christianity but put into my words and metaphors. c.s. lewis talks about marriage and how most people confuse love with "being in love". i heard hulk hogan in an interview about his divorce and the question was, "do you still love your ex-wife, Linda?" he said, "of course i still love her, but i'm not in love with her." it seems most people find that if you're not in love than it's ok to divorce your spouse. c.s. lewis said it best:

"Now no feeling can be relied on to last in it full intensity, or even to last at all. Knowledge can last, principles can last, habits can last; but feelings come and go. And in fact, whatever people say, the state called 'being in love' usually does not last. If the old fairy-tale ending 'They lived happily ever after' is taken to mean 'They felt for the next fifty years exactly as they felt the day before they were married', then it says what probably never was nor ever would be true, and would be highly undesirable if it were. Who could bear to live in that excitement for even five years? What would become of your work ,your appetite, your sleep, your friendships? But, of course, ceasing to be 'in love' need not mean ceasing to love. Love in second sense--love as distinct from 'being in love'--is not merely a feeling. It is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit; reinforced by (in Christian marriages) the grace which both partners ask, and receive, from God. They can have this love for each other even at those moments when they do not like each other; as you love yourself even when you do not like yourself. They can retain this love even when each would easily, if they allowed themselves, be 'in love' with someone else. 'Being in love' first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. It is on this love that the engine of marriage is run: being in love was the explosion that started it."

and on to my unnecessary analogy because who can follow up c.s. lewis, right? anyway. being in love is the spark that starts the engine. accepting Jesus and surrendering to Him and God's will is the spark that starts it all. the engine keeps running and we drive on, we go on the journey for the long haul. road trip. but so often as christians we try to find that spark again. we want to feel that intensity, that fire, that explosion. but we don't realize that the spark was the beginning and we have to move on. what would happen if you kept trying to spark up your engine? yea that's right you'd die. well you wouldn't die, but your car would. people drain themselves, go into depression ::cough cough::, waste time, and lose faith by trying to do this. i pray that people won't do this and keep on fighting the good fight and following the Lord. i know i did this and it kept me from seeing a lot of things. and this leads me to who i am. it's simple. everyone else probably knows this, but i couldn't see what was in front of me. i am simply a Christian. and i know there are many stereotypes and negative views on that word and what kind of person is associated with that word. i believe that people don't know the full meaning and what that word captures and defines. even Christians don't know or people who claim they are. but that's another entry. and i'm happy right now to just know this.

i'm on fire. liar liar pants on fire. that kind of fire. and at the same time the fire of passion. lustful kind. this fire has been burning for years and i've never had the guts to put it out afraid of what i would burn on, feed on if there was no more. but i want to put it out. i will, God willing. i need to move beyond this, this mentality, this prison of mine. the freedom people say we have in choosing what is right and wrong for us has become my shackle. this sin in me that burdens me has become heavy and i can't bear it any longer. when this fire has had its fill i feel i can do more. that God has a plan and i'm alright. but soon after the fire returns to burden me and i don't trust God anymore, i don't see anything ahead of me except the heavy load that is on me. i want to look beyond all this. to have faith and trust in all times, good and bad. i want to trust so badly in God. this fire that burns in me isn't the fire that i need. i want true fire that will burn in me a passion that is pure and simple in heart. right now the fire has had its fill and i am a hypocrite because i hate the fire and yet i feed it when i want to feel its warmth. God i'm sorry for it all. i'll face the cold as long as it's with You. and i'll wait for the true fire. send down your spark.

lost

sorry i couldn't think of any movie title to fit the mood except the word lost which happens to be a tv show, a bad tv show which i think should be canceled anytime now. anyway onwards we go...

i remember growing up in the church and going to my first retreat. it was winter and it was the first time i was away longer than a sleepover, in fact it was a sleepover times 3. i was there for 3 nights or 2, my memory's a bit fuzzy. the important thing is that at that retreat i experienced God for the first time and unfortunately i also experienced my first spiritual high. i only say unfortunately because after that first high you only want more and the only time you look forward to it is at retreats. thus began a long, vicious cycle of dissatisfaction, loneliness, and sin which continues to this day. for the most part i've grown up. i'm in college, i'm on the verge of change as i switch majors and step into new responsiblities as a president of a fellowship. i have a lot on my plate and all i can think of is myself and my problems and how i'm going to do nothing about them.

needless to say i am lost. i used to look for those moments, those times of spiritual high when you feel God's presence and just feel at peace. i used to look for insight, for wisdom that would take all my problems away. i wanted that one moment where my life would change and i would be perfect.

i now know that i cannot be perfect and that Jesus is the solution for that incapability. Jesus is my cornerstone to a strong, healthy, godly life. and i know that having Jesus doesn't mean problems go away, but He'll work with me to overcome them. all i need to do is seek His kingdom, to do His will, to obey, to love. the worst part of me is that i can't, i won't do that. i find myself measuring myself by God's perfect standards and am disappointed when i fall, feeling like i'm going to hell. i feel like i'm making my own hell here on earth. but i can't shake these sins and i wish there was that one moment when everything would be ok. all i feel now is alone. i can't even meet God halfway. my sins have entangled me to the point where i am left looking at these hopeless shackles, wondering if i can be saved.

i see people still looking for those bits of insight, that moment when they fall to their knees and cry and praise God for His goodness and will and plan for them, that moment when their addictions loosen up on them, when answers to problems show up on a silver platter. i admire them because they're seeking something. they're looking. they look to God, they desire what He has to offer. i sit, i read the Word forgetting it after, i pray words wondering if they're heard. i don't look or search for God's will. i haven't desired God in a while, maybe i haven't desired Him at all, all i wanted was a way out of my problems i wanted to use God as that way.

now i'm lost.

i wonder if this is what people had in mind
back in the day when they realized they
wanted a better future for their children.
maybe they weren't thinking of their children,
just living in their now.
but it saddens me to know that this is the world
that they created, the now we live in.
they didn't know that loneliness would be our
Great Depression. they didn't know that our
World War would be a war against our ourselves.
the world now has cashed in on our loneliness, or
at least the feeling of it. every corner, every ad,
every movie, tv show, book, magazine, and even
people promote security in sexual relationships.
i wish it wasn't so. i wish people knew that they
don't need the girl with the seductive smile on
her lips beckoning you to buy more of the stuff
you don't need. i wish they knew that all "good"
guys aren't as good looking, athletic, or talented
as they should be. i wish that we knew that girls
and guys don't look like all the models in the magazines.
i hope that one day guys won't need to numb their
loneliness by looking at girls on the screen who are
actually worth more than the clothes they take off.
i hope that girls will find what they need in guys, not
what they want.
i wonder if the freedom that Kinsey and Hefner gave
to us was freedom at all. all i see are people who
want more and more distractions to keep them from
facing truth. we have become trapped, shackled by
our desires to compromise. to give to each individual
the right to do whatever they want as long as it
doesn't hurt anyone else.
half of marriages end in divorce, porn as become a
multi-billion dollar industry, teen pregnancies are
higher than they were 50 years ago. since when did
sex become as casual as sharing a drink.
i would like to go back to that time when someone
had the choice, had the voice to decide our future
and tell that person about the world we live in.
i'd ask him if he'd want to live in this world. if
he'd want this children and grandchildren to live
in this world.

i've been thinking. i am a 3rd year in college. i have one more year. i'm not sad about leaving or anything, i'm worried, pressured about what to do after college. why'd i go to college in the first place, right? aren't you supposed to find what you're supposed to do for the rest of your life in college? ask yourself the same question with more emphasis on "the rest of your life". the rest of my life. i feel that life is too big and too unpredictable and too short to be compressed under a job title. i've been given advice, suggestions from the people that i care about. "you should be a doctor, it matches your personality... your major should be what you want to do and what God wants you to do... just wait for God, you'll be who He wants you to be." so i guess my dilemna isn't that i don't want to be compressed under a job title, it partly is, but mostly it's that i know what i want to do and i'm afraid of failing. my parents believe that i'm in the major i'm in for a reason and i should do my best and i agree. i believe that if i chose english as a major and that would be what i want to do and God could use it for His glory. i believe that i will end up as what God wants me to be. but all this doesn't take my fear away, it just makes me more scared and more pressured to just give up. i just want a purpose, a reason, but maybe this is all beyond me, beyond the fear, the worry, the problems.

vertical limit

actually i have seen this movie, i think i still have the stub from watching it in the theaters all those years ago. not a great movie, but been collecting ticket stubs ever since so i guess it has a sentimental value. anyway onto the entry...

i've been reading a book called into the wild by jon krakauer. i saw the movie, which was based off the book, with the same name. the movie really spoke a message to me and my spirit. a message that got across to me saying that no matter how successful we are by the world's standards of money, power, and sex we are still dissatisfied and look for more. we look for something greater than what we see around us and something that is greater than us. needless to say, i loved the movie and the book as well and i'm not even done with the book yet. i am in the final 50 pages of the book and i was reading about the author's relation to the inner depths of chris mccandless (the young man of which the book is about) and a few passages caught me and how i've been feeling lately. the passage is taken from the author describing his obsession with climbing a summit called the Devil's Thumb in Alaska and about how he kept failing, but eventually found a way to climb the summit successfully.

"...At dusk I watched, transfixed, as the lights of Petersburg blinked on in the west. The closest thing I'd had to human contact since the airdrop, the distant lights triggered a flood of emotion that caught me off guard. I imagined people watching baseball on television, eating fried chicken in brightly lit kitchens, drinking beer, making love. When I lay down to sleep, I was overcome by a wrenching loneliness. I'd never felt so alone, ever."

"...When I decided to go to Alaska that April, like Chris McCandless, I was a raw youth who mistook passion for insight and acted according to an obscure, gap-ridden logic. I thought climbing the Devils Thumb would fix all that was wrong with my life. In the end, of course, it changed almost nothing. But I came to appreciate that mountains make poor receptacles for dreams. And I lived to tell my tale."

"At that stage of my youth, death remained as abstract a concept non-Euclidean geometry or marriage. I didn't yet appreciate its terrible finality or the havoc it could wreak on those who'd entrusted the deceased with their hearts. I was stirred by the dark mystery of mortality. I couldn't resist stealing up to the edge of doom and peering over the brink. The hint of what was concealed in those shadows terrified me, but I caught sight of something in the glimpse, some forbidden and elemental riddle that was no less compelling than the sweet, hidden petals of a woman's sex.
In my case-- and, I believe, in the case of Chris McCandless--that was a very different thing from wanting to die."

i started feeling this loneliness the author spoke about and when i felt that, i stopped my habitual sin for a week or so. i saw things clearly. i see how futile this world is. then i delved back into sin and i got muddled, saw myself return to my old self. i couldn't take it, so i cried out to God saying i didn't want to go back. and i feel that same loneliness coming back. this void. this need to have everything wrong in my life to be fixed, to be perfect. realizing that everything this world offers is a distraction from reality. the reality being that we're imperfect souls incapable of anything truly good. i want to see the edge of doom, but i know all that i'll find is truth that i already know. the truth being that this world is not it, that eternity lies in the wake. eternity in darkness or eternity in light is our choice. so this is me wanting to come clean. this is me giving up. not to the world. but to God saying i don't know what else to do. and i hope that everyone will experience this. and make it through. i don't know if i'm making it through or not. God, save us because of your great love.

signs

no. not the movie.

you know when you're at the club or the bar and you see a girl you like. you buy her a drink and introduce yourself. you tell her jokes and charm her until she smiles and gives you her number. you know what i'm talking about? yea well me neither. i pulled that out from a movie called swingers. i'm sure that's how it goes down in hollywood and other hot spots, but it sure doesn't in my life. i had a conversation with my friend while we were having dinner at chick fil a and continued the talk about girls all the way to taco bell to finish off a fast food dinner with more fast food. we talked about signs. about how you know whether a girl likes you or not. well there are tell tale signs like she smiles and laughs at every joke you have or she touches you a lot or she does something nice for you. this may help out a lot of guys, but not me. in christian circles all of the above means absolutely nothing. except for the touching part, that's probably frowned upon. anyway girls that you meet in christian circles do nice things for you like bake a cake for your birthday when everyone forgets, they laugh at your jokes or at least smile because they don't want to make you feel bad, and they always say hi to you no matter what because again they want you to know that yes people care about you. this is all awesome and it's great to be loved, but it's confusing as hell when you like a christian girl and the obvious signs aren't signs anymore. they're the norm. so what signs do you look for that is out of the ordinary, that tells you, "yea, man she digs you. go for it." there's nothing in the Bible that tells you how to date. no manual to tell you how to pick up the signs if there are signs or how to even tell if a girl is flirting or just being nice. we had a whole conversation about it and about situations where you end up in the friend zone and you're just the gay best friend who's not really gay, but still goes shopping with her and tells her she looks good in those jeans. what happened. i'm just venting sad to say. and even sadder nothing insightful is in this entry. it's just me surrendering saying that i don't know anything about girls or how to tell one you like her. of course this will just end up with me admitting my fear of rejection. and that's what it is. fear. even if i knew the signs it wouldn't make it easier to tell her. it's hard. rejection. can't be worse than shopping, right.

It's a humid summer night. One of those nights when you can taste the air. The trees stand still as they struggle to take in the thick air and behind them is a playground. Cigarette butts and discarded dimebags litter the mulch laying beneath the playground made of recycled material as if to say, "Thank you, Earth for giving us the trees and mulch. Here's something that can't decompose or become part of you again. It's for the kids."
A cigarette glows in the dark. Another cigarette lights up as two figures emerge.
One is seated on the bench overlooking the playground. One is sitting across from the bench on the slide.
The one sitting on the slide stands up as he sees a firefly light up and he takes a drag and blows a draft disturbing its flight.

Sam: "It's sticky as hell. Freakin' mosquitos."
Wes looks at Sam.
Sam slaps his left arm with his cigarette in his mouth.
"Got you, you bastard."
Wes squints his eyes condescendingly at Sam and takes another drag.
Wes: So, yesterday Jane got in a fight with her parents. Like a big fight. She said her parents said that she wasn't their daughter and I guess she felt...
Sam: Disowned?
Wes: Yeah, i guess. it was pretty messed up. So she calls me and i tell her to calm down and she says she needs to get out of the house. So i say ok i'll be there.
Sam: But you don't have a car.
Wes: ...So, i call Ryan, right? ::Sam laughs:: And i ask him for a favor and he says yea. He picks me up and we go to her house. She comes out and i get in the back of the car with her. She's crying and i don't know what to do. so i just hold her and say everything's going to be alright.
So Ryan drops us off at my place...
Sam: wait, she slept over?
Wes: yea.
Sam: where'd she sleep?
Wes: in my room.
Sam: where'd you sleep?
Wes: in my room.
Sam: Ohhh, i see. so you guys slept together. in the same bed together.
Wes: yea... so i locked my door. and we...
Sam: played monopoly? ::Sam laughs::
Wes laughs: so we're lying on my bed and she's cold. i put the blanket over her. and she comes in closer...
Sam: sex?
Wes: yes, but with my mouth.
Sam: huh? ooooh. awww. ok enough.
Wes: yea.
Sam and Wes take a drag. Sam looks at his cigarette.
Sam: i'm never sharing a cigarette with you again.
Wes: ::laughs::
Headlights shine through the trees. Wes picks up his phone.
Wes: Let's go.
They both flick their cigarettes on the mulch. the cigarettes glow in the night as they walk away. the headlights disappear as the cigarettes burn out.

her

hey i have something to tell you
umm. i uh ... screw it
i think you're the most awesome
person i've ever met.

i know that you don't feel the
same way that i feel about you
and i can't say that i can picture
you and me together.

i'm sure you can do better
than me. whatever i am.
when i think about love
and its application i think

of you. not in a sensual way,
but in the purest way i can.
love is not about just me and you.
it's about God, me, and everyone

we know. so it's selfish of me.
because i just want you and me
to be. i've always thought you
were great. and back then

i was naive thinking that any girl
that talked to me for more than
5 minutes liked me. i know different
now.

i know that you were just being yourself.
you treat everyone the same. you love
everyone. and i hope that things work
out with that guy who likes you so much.

i always saw you two hanging out and
never thought much about it because
i was too engulfed by my lust and pride.
now that i can see a little clearer

i see everything i've missed out on.
and i'll keep all this with me, because
i don't want to ruin any good thing that
might happen between you two.

i know this all sounds stupid and
unexpected and completely random.
i feel a little dumb writing this.
i just needed to let it out.

and last of all i'm sorry for this
if it made you feel weird and
awkward. and yea. i'm just going
to go. have a good life.

love actually

i actually have not seen the movie, love actually, yet. i should though since the dvd is in my house. i'll get around to it one day, but for now another insightful entry by yours, truly.

today was routine for me. i woke up and heard my uncle painting the walls. he's been doing it for the past few weeks and it's become routine for me to wake up, walk the dog, try to go back to sleep, get up, read the Word, and turn on my laptop. everything was going according to plan until... i fell. i didn't literally fall. i fell as in i sinned. sin, to the world, isn't a serious a word as it should be. due to the reputation of Christians especially those to the far right, the televangelists, the people with picket signs saying "the end is near" sin has become sort of a long, lost, mythical word that used to be used by primitive people when they thought they angered "God". but to me and a lot of other people sin simply means that we fell short of the way God had planned us to live. yes there is a God and not a "God". He's real, whether if you believe or don't believe is a concern of mine and if you'd like to know more be free to ask. i sinned. i didn't meet God's standards. thank God for Jesus, but i still felt horrible. i felt wrong and dirty. i felt stressed. so stressed that i consumed a store bought Uno's pizza by myself, leaving me feeling dirty and fat. i felt depressed to say the least. i should've accepted my mom's offer to go eat jja jjang myun (noodles in black bean sauce) and i shouldn't have eaten that pizza, but what i really wished was that i could go back in time and not sin. but none of those things happened. i sinned, i felt bad, and we were out of bottled water. so i volunteered to go get water and other things that my mom required. i went out because i wanted some time alone. funny as it sounds, i was alone the whole day besides my uncle in the morning. you think i wanted some noise in the house, but i just wanted to wallow in my guilt and feel sorry for myself. as i was driving home i was wondering about love. how commercialized it was. how no one could possibly know the real definition. to find out you probably had to go back in time and ask someone in the beginning. or ask God himself. as i was getting out of the car i carried the 24 pack of water and sesame oil up the stairs to the door, i fumbled for my keys and put the water against the door and me hoping someone would open the door. no one did. and me feeling depressed found the key and opened the door and i realized that i could handle it. if i had one arm my parents would've been waiting for me to get home to help me, but they weren't because i could handle it. out of a random notion i found that God doesn't give us a load heavier than we can carry. i could've fought that temptation and won, but i didn't, i chose to give up. i walked upstairs and began reading the second to last chapter of Where Is God When It Hurts? by Philip Yancey and the last page struck me. God answered my question of what love really was.

"This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers. If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him? Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth."
1st John 3:16-18

Sacrifice is what i get from those words. i just pray that God is my strength and He uses my weaknesses. In Jesus' name. Amen.

the cable guy

again, no this isn't about that movie. i've never seen it actually, but i hear good things. anyway the tv upstairs wasn't working and i called cox and they sent a cable guy pronto because that's how i roll. i own cox. that sounded terrible. and cox sent the cable guy the next day which was today, but i digress. i was having a talk with my bro, kevin and we always have cool conversations about God and life. we were talking about fasting and cookies and freaks and geeks. earlier we talked about how God works in our lives through people and how great He really is so i should've expected what happened today. i was almost done with another episode of freaks and geeks until the doorbell rang and my dog started yapping. i answered with the dog in my arms and it turns out to be an asian dude. the first thing i notice is his tattoo, i tell him i gotta put the dog away so i put him in my room. i get back to the cable guy, point out the problem with the cable box, and he asks me if i'm korean. i say yea. and the most interesting convo i've ever had with a stranger ensues. i'll probably fill in the details later, but i was blessed in a way and also struck with fear. the dude's name was paul and i know God sent him here for something. other than fixing my cable. but for now i must run.

::update::
he asked me if i was korean and i say yea. i ask him and he says hes korean too. cool, i thought, but not uncommon. he asks if the tv downstairs in the basement works and i say my dad was watching it but it stopped working. so we go downstairs and the tv is fine. it works. he points to my guitar and asks if i play. i say i dabble. he looks at the song i'm trying to learn: bold as love. jimi hendrix? he asks. tough song i say, its real hard, i can't really play it. we go back upstairs and i ask him if he wants anything to drink. he says anything cold, so i get a bottle of water. he says thanks and goes on talking about his guitar and how it's tough to play. the sounds, the tone, its hard, man, he says. that's all i did for 6 months, everyday i'd rip movies and try to learn some riffs and pentatonics. i say that's good, pentatonics are all you need to solo. he goes back to his van to get something. i stay busy coiling up the vacuum cord. he comes back with another cable box and a small laptop. he sets it up and i wait. your parents hardcore christians? he asks pointing to the cross on my couch. my uncle was painting the living room and everything had to be taken down from the walls. the wooden cross was sitting up on the couch in front of the tv. i say yea we're christians. i ask him, what about you. he chuckles and says his parents aren't christians, well they don't follow the path of Christ, but they go to church. i say yea thats the story with a lot of koreans around here. we go into this conversation about koreans and the church. he says I don't believe in the church. i mean i believe in Christ, i'm a Christian, but the church is a man made thing. i notice some profanities as he speaks, but i don't mind. maybe he's just passionate about what he believes. we talk about the youth. he mentions jama, a christian conference up in pennsylvania. i say i heard of it. my friend went to volunteer for it. well it turns out so did he. his aunt and uncle were pastors up there and his cousin was a youth pastor and he went to help him out. he talks about how the kids don't know what's going on. that the same message is spoken about how you're all worthless and you're no good and Jesus died for you. i agree and say i grew up in the church and as a kid when people tell you you're a sinner and Jesus died for you, you don't know what it means. he agrees completely. he talks about how he told his kids in his group at jama to not listen to a certain speaker, that it was bs. he goes into how we need to teach kids how to live. how to fight, how to deal in certain situations. i disagree with some of the things he says, but i don't say it. he talks about how he met a pastor and how he turned out to be the son of the guy who runs jama. he talks about how the pastor he met requested prayer on the same topics that he spoke to the pastor about, the same things he was talking to me about. i say that's God working. he says yea, man. he finishes with the cable. the tv works now. i walk him out and he introduces himself, paul. i'm ryan, i say. nice to meet you man. i say i'll see you around, God bless. he says bye, he doesn't say God bless back.

i realize that God wanted that conversation to happen. i saw that cross on the couch the day before. and i had an urge to put it somewhere else because it was just taking space on the couch. but i didn't. i left it right where it was. that conversation happened because God wanted it to. maybe i'll see paul again, or maybe that conversation was enough for him to start something else. maybe God wanted me to love my neighbor. maybe God wanted me to learn something. i don't have answers. i have questions. why is the most frequent question on my mind. i realize that everything is part of a bigger picture. it's all part of the plan. i used to come up with false revelations to make myself feel better, by answering questions i had that i felt God wouldn't answer. now i'm ok with not having answers. i'm fine knowing that God is in control. i know God will let me know when He wants me to and that i can't make myself grow more than i can make a plant grow. i can say that God is humbling me, that God wants me to love more, that God wants me to do this and that. but God has spoken. God will just us remind us if we forget. if you look in the Bible God didn't give out revelations like they were free samples. also people didn't change overnight. i've struggled with this. telling myself that this was what God was trying to say, all these little nuggets of "wisdom". i'm just waking up to everything around me. God wants me to love Him, love people. and in doing that i know one day i'll look back wondering how i got to that point, how i've changed. but we all have the choice, for better or for worse. hard or easy. right or wrong. i'll look at the cross. that helps.

realize

no this isn't about colbie caillat's song, but yes she is very pretty and talented. anyway if you just realized what i just realized... just kidding.
i realized that i'm a loser. not a loser in the typical sense. i mean i am a loser in the sense of unathletic, doesn't try hard enough, wastes time, feels sorry for himself sometimes, doesn't have a girlfriend, whose highlight of the summer will be watching The Dark Knight in Imax and then some. i am a loser on the outside, but i am a loser on the inside. the outer loser doesn't care. the inner loser cares about becoming nothing. i don't want to die on the inside. but i am. my sins are catching up with me. these past few years are catching up with me. i'm only getting older. and i have no direction. i'll pray. for forgiveness and then some. but i will keep praying. and waiting. but i am anxious. patience is hard to attain for me. the years i've wasted, doing nothing, self-pity, passiveness, what do i do to get out. to escape the cycle. i'm scared of not knowing what to do after breaking out. maybe that's why i keep sinning even though i don't want to or need to. gotta take risks don't i? depend on God. let's do it.

colorquiz.com

Ryan's Existing Situation

Is seeking a solution to existing problems or anxieties, but is liable to find it difficult to decide on a right course to follow.

Ryan's Stress Sources

Wishes to be independent, unhampered, and free from any limitation or restriction, other than those which he imposes of himself or by his own choice and decision.

Ryan's Restrained Characteristics

Feels that he cannot do much about his existing problems and difficulties and that he must make the best of things as they are. Able to achieve satisfaction through sexual activity.

Egocentric and therefore quick to take offense. Able to obtain physical satisfaction from sexual activity but tends to hold aloof emotionally.

Ryan's Desired Objective

Strives for a life rich in activity and experience, and for a close bond offering sexual and emotional fulfillment.

Ryan's Actual Problem

Fights against restriction or limitation, and insists on developing freely as a result of his own efforts.

i took this for fun, but was surprised and freaked out by the accurate tellings. i don't know what to think of this. i feel kind of sad, really. haha. but God is here, so i got no worries.

failure

i've always been afraid of failure.
failure at being cool. at athletics.
at being good looking. these were
all superficial and i don't really
care much about them as i used to.

but now i find myself scared to fail
at life. at love. at being a person.
God i am scared to death. i'm scared
to die for love, for hope, for this faith
that millions have died for.

i am so scared that i have limited myself
to things that i can do without much effort.
and when i fail i just say i wasn't trying.
that i'll do better next time. that i'll soak in
more information about this and that

and next time. next time i'll be ready.
i'll be so strong and courageous and
perfect. but i'm never stronger.
i am full of fear. flawed. i don't try
my best for fear that my best won't
be enough. even though i know
my best can never be enough.

my self-pity is the worst. when i feel
sorry for myself, i am already defeated.
i don't even try at all. i don't even hope
for anything to come rescue me because
i know that nothing will. because the one
in the way is me. i am afraid to let in
the pain, the suffering that accompanies
failure.

but i have to. i have to let failure and its
friends destroy me, shake me, break me
so that i can be molded into something
better. someone stronger. God i feel
weaker than ever. i am scared more
than ever. but i know that this is
necessary. that i need this more than
anything else right now.

my only hope is that i do what is right.
that i won't sin despite pain. that i won't
fall however weak i get. i hope i fight
the easy way out which is no way out
at all. facing failure is the only escape
from myself. and when i escape i will
see Your face realizing that You were
here all along.

porn

i don't know what i was thinking. i really wonder if i even know what love is or if i actually like a girl for who she is and not who she is in my fantasies. for me i daydream and fantasize a lot before i fall asleep. i think of marriage. i don't think of white dresses, doves, or anything like that. i think about being with someone and enjoying just being close. like every other man my thoughts get the best of me and they go towards thoughts that i'm not proud of, but i imagine what it would be like to actually be with someone that enjoys being with you. no awkwardness, no fidgeting, and no galloping towards each other in a field with that cliche love music in the background. just me and her holding each other up. i think about the physicality of it all. and the emotional security that that physicality provides in someone. then i realize that this isn't what i'm supposed to be doing. i realize that this is porn. this is porn in my mind. i'm just getting my hopes up. yes porn is porn in the real world with all its graphic depictions, and that is something i will get over God willing, but this porn in my mind is something entirely different and yet it isn't really. to the core i'm just stimulating my desires even more with these thoughts. emotionally and spiritually i am ruining myself with these fantasies. and i know i need to stop. i want to. it's not as easy as i would like it. but without my physical, emotional, or spiritual states in the right. i, as a person, am failing. i am missing God's big picture. i am dying. God is smart. smarter than i know and more real than i lead myself to believe. so i give up. i give it all up. all my burdens and my heavy load. i hope for healing and for rest. God just say the Word and i'll be healed.

gold rings

my mother would take off her ring sometimes to wear other ones.
my father never took off his ring. it stayed on his left ring finger.
when i was a kid i'd wonder if it was uncomfortable to have on
all the time. i wasn't sure if i could take the burden of wearing
a ring like that all day, everday, forever. but my father did.
he does. he continues after 20 years.

i'm curious to see if i'll have what it takes to be like him.
to wear that ring. to other women it means that a man
is taken. to other men it means that a man's life is over.
to a lot of people it doesn't mean as much as it did when
they wore it that first day of marriage. to me it means
forever. from beginning to no end.

and for everyone who wears the ring it should mean
that they wear it willingly. that they love nothing more
than to bear this burden of wearing this ring that means
much more than "taken", "life over", and "first time."
that ring means you're me and i'm you. we were two
people when we met and now we're one.

Burn

Remember that lonely summer

when you seared your skin

trying to pick up that frozen

piece of pepperoni on the hot

coil? You ate that pepperoni

and now it’s a part of you. The

burn also became a part of you

and left a lasting impression

on your wrist. A scar.

Remember when she called almost

every day. Remember how she asked

you to take her to her prom and you

took her doing your best to keep

your hips to the beat.

Remember the day when she was

packing up, leaving for college

and all you could do was hug her

and say goodbye.

Remember the disappointed look on

her face when you wished her good

luck at college and left her standing

in her driveway. That summer

ended when she and her

boyfriend posted pictures of

their good times online.

All you got from that summer

was a lasting impression, a scar.

going green

Thanks Al Gore for opening up my eyes.
I knew too much of anything was bad, but
carbon dioxide really takes the cake.

Global warming is all the buzz and if
everything happens according to plan
we won't have much of a planet left.

It's a good thing we have 8 other planets
or else, man, we'd be screwed. Oh wait,
those planets aren't habitable.

I wonder what the other countries
are doing to stop global warming.
I've got a few bright American ideas of my own.

I guess we all gotta go green.
Stop cutting down trees, stop using
gasoline, and stop making babies.

I just hope it isn't too late or else
we'd just have to stop breathing.
It's time to give back to the planet

that's been so giving. But then again
this could be the beginning of the end
and who knows when Jesus is coming back.

Maybe we'll all start over again. Live in caves
like way back when, and hunt for our food,
the only difference is that we'd leave better

cave drawings. Or we could all build a giant boat,
put all the animals in and God will make it rain for a
while, and when we come out the other side

everything will be better than before. Or
we can just do what the rest of the world
is doing and start consuming a little less.

everywhere

"it's the same thing every week."
"yea i hear you." i said as i just walked out of an intense prayer and worship time. i cried, i prayed, i walked out to go to the bathroom to find my old church friends waiting around. i said hi and asked how they were doing. "fine," they said. the question to the first line went something like this, "so, do you go out to the fellowship at your colleges?" "no." and the first line was the reasoning. after all that praying and crying i went through. i sobered real quickly. was it the same every week? what i felt in worship was real. i guess they meant that it was just the same thing. Jesus. Jesus this and Jesus that. we grew up in the same church. maybe they had enough or they got the point.
"uh oh we got another crier." as a girl walked out of worship to go to the bathroom. i knew her and i knew that Jesus was working in her. i couldn't help but sit there and take in the cynicism.
"i never cry. i tried to cry in worship and stuff, but i couldn't."
"some people cry and some don't," was the best reply i could come up with.
was Jesus something or someone that we could get sick of. had people had enough of Him. i heard a message this past week which the main point of it was to invite Jesus in everything we did. i know i don't do that. maybe that's a big thing that we're not doing. what do i have to lose. Jesus, i cordially invite You to my life.

break

what will break me? i wonder.
i feel lonely. i feel beyond the reach
of Jesus. i find comfort that vanishes
as soon as it appears. the girls on the screen
don't know me, but they know how to use
what they've been given.

i want to stop this vicious cycle. this cycle
of abuse, depression, conviction, and recession.
i want to love. in the purest of ways. i want
to love. i want to know how it feels to give it
and receive it. but i'm afraid i'm too numb.

i will keep hoping that i will quit. i always say
"next time." and i wonder, "if not now when?"
i know the time is now. i know that after every
time i sink into loneliness again. i hope that one of
these days instead turning full circle into abuse
i will straighten out into redemption.

one waterfalls

there were 3 water falls
each one had a distinct character to it
one had misty -almost like vapor- water floating down
one had beautiful blue water pounding the rocks below
the last had thick crystal clear water pure as snow trickling down

each waterfall was different and beautiful in its own way
each waterfall flowed down a different way
but each waterfall flowed into the same pool
the same pool where all men came to drink its living water

i take advantage. i take advantage of God's forgiveness. in taking advantage i find myself sinning over and over and over not realizing what sin really is. sin is ugly. it's more than ugly. it's the worst thing imaginable. and why do i keep on sinning? besides my sinful nature i think after a cycle of sin has taken place and forgiveness is asked from God over and over, sin loses its sinfulness to us. i find that when my sin is exposed for the world to see i can feel the weight of the sin. the shame and embarassment of it. the regret and guilt of it. the feeling you have when you are caught. the unforgiving hearts of people. then i turn to God and realize that the definition of sin has not changed in His eyes. i am even worse off because in God's eyes sin is even more of an abomination to Him than it is to the world. i am put to more shame, more embarrassment, more guilt, and more regret. the difference is that God will forgive and forget every time because of Jesus. He is that good.

i've been sick for the past few days. i hate being sick. i hate that tickling feeling in the back of your throat when you breathe in the cold air around you realizing that maybe you should've slept with your clothes on that night. the worst feeling is when you try to deny that you're sick and tell yourself that maybe you caught one of those 24 hour colds that'll go away as easy as you caught it. it's rare though. my head is congested. all i taste is mucus going down my throat. i'm more tired than usual and all i want is to feel better. still hasn't happened yet. i wonder why i get sick sometimes. sometimes i think it's punishment for a sin i committed. sometimes i think it's because i slept in my underwear with only a blanket to cover me from the frosty air that encompasses my room. i've been wondering a lot about whether things happen for a reason or if it's all just coincidence and consequence. then i wonder maybe my sin has effected me in a way that i felt i had to sleep in my underwear to catch this cold. maybe it's subconscious self-punishment. maybe it's God.

when you're sick you don't feel like doing anything except eat of course. i've been meaning to work out, but due to my condition i feel dizzy from the blood rushing to my head when i'm doing handstand pushups. i could suck it up and do some pushups, but why punish myself further? i'm already sick. i bum around my house looking for something to do. after finishing The Lovely Bones i'm looking for more to read. my return to literature is exciting, but reading such an achievement as The Lovely Bones for my first book back wasn't as good an idea as i thought. my passion to read is there, but i'm afraid as i read more and more books i might be disapointed as each book will fail to rise up to what The Lovely Bones was. i want to read The Godfather next.

i'm on the computer a lot these days. scratch that. i'm on the computer a lot. i always sign onto instant messenger and look to see if anyone cares enough to say hi. i end up signing off an hour after i realize that no one does. this day i get imed by Cody. Cody is a girl that i go to school with. we went to the same high school and attend the same university as it happens. in high school me and my friends used to make fun of her outer appearance and mannerisms which happened to lremind people of a penguin. she used to tell us to shut up with a giggle and glitter in her eye that said she didn't really care if she did look like a penguin. a penguin doll in her car seemed to prove her pleasant indifference. it seems that after joining the corps in college has changed her and now instead of laughing along she gives us the finger or doesn't laugh at all. i guess she started caring. i don't see the penguin in her car anymore. she tells me that she wants to eat pho. pho is a vietnamese food, noodles in some kind of msg infused broth served with your choice of meat. i'm not that big a fan of pho, but due to my condition i welcome the hot, flavorful broth this day. she picks me up and we're on our way to the pho house. i order pho tai which is served with raw meat that is cooked in the broth as it is being served and eaten. Cody gets the same thing. we eat and we don't say much. the rare times we do open our mouths is to slurp in the steaming noodles or drink the broth. the times we open our mouths to talk is to talk about parenting. we see a kid eating pho while listening to his ipod at the same time, i wouldn't have a problem with it, but his dad is right across him eating too. i don't know about other families, but in mine my dad would rip the earphones out of my ears and make me listen to him talk instead of whatever rock anthem i was listening to.
"Man, my dad would slap me if i was listening to music while eating," i say.
"Yea, it's just disrespectful. That's the thing with kids these days, they don't listen to their parents." Cody says.
"What do you mean?" i ask.
"Like, they don't listen to their parents at all."
"What. Like... give me an example."
"Well, i'm not going to tell you their name and say they did this and that."
"No, i mean like a general example like of people you've seen or something."
"Well, they don't listen. Like they don't care. They ignore their parents."
"I see. Man i would beat down my kid if he did that. Well if i had kids i'd have to rule with an iron fist, you know?"
she laughs.
"I would instill fear into them. My dad used to lecture me and took me and my sister into a room to lecture us. He'd drag my sister into the room and she'd start crying before she got into it. If i cried, he'd remind me i was a man."
she laughs.
"Yea, my parents stopped with the spanking early on, but man one day my brother and his friends got caught skipping school and going to the mall. Well, they skipped school and they got caught stealing clothes at the mall. My dad got all of them on their knees and just beat the crap out of them. I wish i'd seen it." she says with a cynicism in her eyes.
i drink the rest of my water which is trapped between the ices and the lemon in the glass. i tip the glass almost vertically as the ice crashes down my face.

we pay our check and leave to get some bubbletea. bubbletea is a frozen or liquid drink that is served with tapioca balls at the bottom ("bubbles") that you slurp up through a huge straw. it comes in a variety of flavors. green tea, black tea, mango, strawberry, coconut vanilla. i liked the sound of the last one. a tropical flavor mixed with a traditional vanilla appealed to my senses. i'm told that they don't have that flavor. i get green tea bubbletea by default. i'm not disapointed. i call wes to see if he wants bubbletea. i ask out of politeness. taking advantage wes says he would like a bubbletea. i ask him what kind he wants. he trusts me to choose for him. i decide on a red bean bubbletea. knowing wes i know he likes things out of the ordinary. i would even go far enough to call him an anti-bandwagoner. while i listened to fall out boy and thrice he listened to the pietasters and dispatch. the difference between punk rock and ska or the difference between boring music and good music as he'd say. one time he called me boring for ordering a pho tai while he ordered pho with-every-meat-that-you-have-in-it. cody calls winnie to see if she wants to join us for bubbletea. winnie is a smart girl who used to believe in God. i'm not sure what happened to make her disbelieve. maybe she decided that smoking and partying was something that God didn't agree with while she did. winnie shows up as i'm finishing up my bubbletea. she gets a vanilla frozen yogurt. she takes small bites to ease in the cold. i slurp away at my frozen mix realizing that i drank down all the bubbles.

winnie and cody converse about their drunken escapades. i don't drink or party so i listen with curiosity trying to join in the conversation with a few comments to get some laughs. everytime i try to say something i'm cut off and ignored as winnie and cody converse back and forth.
"Dude, i passed out." winnie says.
"Haha, i stayed up the whole night." cody says.
"Oh my gosh. what did you do?" winnie asks.
"What did i do? i played beer pong, then i went out for a smoke a few times, and watched people sing. that's it."
"No. that sounds fishy. i mean you couldn't have done just that and stayed up the whole night. did you like just stare at a wall for 3 hours?"
"Basically."
"Haha. that does sound fishy." i say trying to contribute to the conversation.
they continue on with their conversation until we realize that it's almost 5 and that wes's break ended at 5. that and the way the bubbletea was melting and was on the verge of overflowing. the bubbles were probably frozen. we left to get to the ruby tuesday's before it was too late.

i sit in the back while cody and winnie continue their conversation in the front.
"Dude when i woke up i was looking for you for like 15 minutes and you were right in front of me." winnie laughs.
"Oh yea." cody laughs along.
They keep talking and laughing while i drown out the noise losing myself in my thoughts. i realize that as much as i try i won't contribute to the conversation or even relate to their lives. as much as i love my friends and enjoy spending time with them i will be shut out. not because they hate me or because they want to make me feel bad. we're different. they enjoy laughing about how much they drank and how much they don't remember about a certain night. i find myself laughing along with them as well. why? i don't agree with partying. i find it a bit silly and a waste of time. i don't mean to judge, but unintentionally i find myself doing the exact opposite. why do they find drinking until you pass out fun? why don't i? why don't i drink? is it really because i find it a waste of time? everyone else does it and finds it a great way to spend their weekend. is it because i'm a Christian? i've got my own problems and my own sins that i wish i didn't have and i guess i don't want to add drinking to the list? i find that i am a stranger to these friends in ways that i haven't thought of before. i am just realizing that the sin that i've been stuck for the past 7 years is truly and utterly dispicable. i hope i realize how sinful sin really is. and i hope that's it's not too late. for me or for them.