hunger

i always want to read new books. even when someone buys me new books, i have a desire to go to the bookstore and devour even newer ones. i want sit all day in that bookstore and eat up the greatest literature, ancient and contemporary. but therein lies my problem.

i want to devour. not read, not learn, but consume.

i have this hunger and it's to complete something. to completely be done with something. i've never been a finisher. never beaten a video game on my own (thanks cheatcc.com), never mastered an instrument or a genre of music, never written anything as complete as i wanted it to be. to be more specific, i have a desire to completely own and finish something and on a grander scale than one could imagine.

i want to watch every great film ever made, to master every note and nuance of jazz guitar, to read every single masterpiece ever written, to be really amazing in just one thing.

of course, i've thought of putting in the work. and then i change my mind.

the hunger subsides and then it comes back when i feel i can satisfy it.

my hunger is satisfied by my imagination and fantasies. dreams of success, of living a comfortable life with hardly a struggle. i fantasize about writing, but never revising. i fantasize about the critical success, but never what it takes to get there.

i think about how no one's ever gotten full off of thinking about a hamburger or pizza.

i think about how hungry i'm going to be when i wake up from all these delusions and i can't wait to try again. only this time i won't get lost in the dreams, i'll be set in reality.