forgive/forget

can i move on from this?
can i forgive and forget?
or will i forgive to forget
or forget to forgive?

are they one and the same
or steps toward some
recovery? if i forget
won't i do it again,
if i forgive won't i
forget the lesson?

forgive/forget
forgive/forget
forgive/forget
forgive/forget
forgive/forget
forgive/forget
forgive/forget

if i sin for the 8th
time, will you still
forgive/forget
or have i reached
the limit?

is there any end to your
forgiveness or have i lost
count? i want to move on,
but echoes of my sins
still resound.

kiss/idle

it's all that's left
when you've given
your everything
to a fantasy

i gave it all away
to pictures in
a magazine,
videos on a
computer screen

i'm drained and
i'm on my way
out and all i wanted
was someone to
kiss goodnight.

* * *

i raised you up
and gave you praise.
you filled me for a
moment, nothing
gained.

i've learned that i can't
fill the void with you,
but you know that i'll
try again and again.

i felt for a moment,
but now i'm ice.
my wound feels numb,
but i'll scratch it until
it bleeds or until i can
feel it again. but you
don't care because you
don't feel at all.

i made you my idol,
but now i'm idle.

for my brothers and sisters

shoes

these shoes have kept my feet safe
they have been faithful
through rain and shine
i have walked and ran
without trouble
these shoes have stepped
on foreign soil. they have
become international.

they have taken me where i
wanted to go. from China
to the Tibetan grasslands.
from learning to dance with
orphans to dancing in circles
with kind strangers who gave
us something to eat.
these shoes have stepped in puddles,
in waste, on soil, on stone.
these shoes have been faithful.

i like to believe that these shoes still
have hints of those memories in the
soil, debris, feces that linger on the
bottom. i like to believe that at
times i'm in two places at once.
i think about where these shoes
have been and where they are now.

i like to think that they connect me
to where i was, to the people i've
touched. i hope they think of these
shoes when they think of me
because i like to think that they
are a part of me.

an extension, an ambassador overseas.

we drive in circles

i think we attach ourselves to the scenery we grow up around. i used to look forward to going home and seeing familiar faces. i used to want to stay. i wanted to eat and drink and make music and laugh about the things that unfolded throughout the night and the day after to repeat, repeat, repeat. i still have love for these things, although it is a different love, an evolved love. it is no longer the clingy, depressing, teary, woe-to-loss-of-tomorrow love. it has become something deeper, something mature, a love with purpose, a love that can carry on. many things have contributed to this change, but i like to compare it to a blind man getting his sight back, a deaf man hearing for the first time, a dead man rising again. i believe one day my eyes were opened to the fact that we were driving in circles all along. the fast food joints that we invested so much time in would remain, would expand, would follow me through my college degree, my 9 to 5 job, my 4 bedroom house, my 2.5 children, and it would continue forever through my descendants if they chose to continue the path that i was on. i've found that i don't mind driving in circles as long as there is meaning and i am not sure if there is any so far. sometimes i just want to get out of the car and walk. to not pay so close attention to where my feet will step and look around at the new scenery even if i may fall. i've found that it is all about the heart. and i pray for change to come so that out of that root may come good fruit. to be righteous, not fighting to be right; to love, not condemn; to know the difference between right and wrong and the courage to say so, not accepting all, not rejecting all; to be faithful, not to be blindly believe; and to live in hope, not to die in defeat. i realize that i want to follow, not lead; i want to point others in the right direction then maybe the places and things we used to love would follow us to where we're going rather than us chasing them. the path will be narrow and rough compared to the smooth, wide road that we drive on, but at least the path will be straight and take us to new places, new experiences, to life.

lyrics: take one

i was done for, Lord
i was dead in my inability to save
strong enough to dig my own grave
there was nothing left
all of my promises, never kept

so i gave up, i stopped trying
to earn my rights
you are the light, help me to
live in it

all i was was trying on my own
just fighting. denied that i had
limits but he was just lying
but i've found that we're all
just lost in this empty sound

so i gave up, i stopped trying
to earn my rights
you are the light, help me to
live in it

there is nothing else, there is nothing else
nothing else but you

photograph

for over 2 weeks my passport, old tickets, and a tibetan handcrafted pencil and pen case lie on top of my pillowcase on the floor of my room. and your picture lies hidden in my notebook; the picture is of me and you with my arm around your shoulder and we're making a peace sign or victory sign or just sticking two fingers up in a pose depending on what country we're in. i see the picture sometimes when it falls out of the notebook and i look at it and i put it right back where it was. i told myself i would frame the picture, but i haven't. it's not because i don't want to, it's not because i want to forget about you, but i want to protect you.

ever since i came back i have fallen back into my old ways. my sins, my lusts, all these things that i am ashamed of, that i don't want you to know about, that i wish that you will not even come across. but i know the things you will have to go through. the obstacles, the trials, the temptations, but you won't be aware of what they really are because you don't know. your eyes aren't open, but i hope they will be. i hope that God will call out to you, that He will make you aware of the emptiness and hopelessness that lies inside all of us, and i hope that you will go out and seek Him out. but i know that it will be hard, that you will fall, that unless God keeps you that you will die. so i hide you. i hide you in my notebook so you can't see the struggle, the hardships, the doubts, and the evil all around and inside me.

i want to save you. but i can't. i know only one who can, so i pray. i'm afraid that my sins have clouded me and have made me forget about you and all the love and good things that we had. i'm sorry, please forgive me. all i can do is give up. i give up trying to protect you and save you because i know that i am powerless to even save myself. so i give it all up to God and i hope that you will too one day. i pray for that. may love bind us all. God, have mercy on us all.

want

you know for the longest time
i had trouble thinking about you.
i still do sometimes and i think
it's getting worse and then better,
but now it's different.

i don't know what these other boys,
if there are any, think about you
or if there is a divine plan that
doesn't involve me and you.
but i've finally found the difference.

i've always fantasized about you
and me, but now i'm content to
stop. not as if i've had enough of
you, but because of the reason
to think of you as you are.

maybe one day a man will say
"i know you, i love you, marry
me." and maybe he does know
you and love you and that
satisfies him to be secure enough
to marry you.

but for me i'm not satisfied and
i won't be, not even if we were
married because i want to know
you. i will never know everything
about you, but i will keep wanting to.
when we are 20 years deep i want
to be surprised when you say,
"i really like orange."

i'm not sure if i love you, but
i want to and that has made all
the difference to me. and i hope
that it will be enough for you too.
you are my want, you will always
be my want, and that is my
commitment to you.