i wonder if this is what people had in mind
back in the day when they realized they
wanted a better future for their children.
maybe they weren't thinking of their children,
just living in their now.
but it saddens me to know that this is the world
that they created, the now we live in.
they didn't know that loneliness would be our
Great Depression. they didn't know that our
World War would be a war against our ourselves.
the world now has cashed in on our loneliness, or
at least the feeling of it. every corner, every ad,
every movie, tv show, book, magazine, and even
people promote security in sexual relationships.
i wish it wasn't so. i wish people knew that they
don't need the girl with the seductive smile on
her lips beckoning you to buy more of the stuff
you don't need. i wish they knew that all "good"
guys aren't as good looking, athletic, or talented
as they should be. i wish that we knew that girls
and guys don't look like all the models in the magazines.
i hope that one day guys won't need to numb their
loneliness by looking at girls on the screen who are
actually worth more than the clothes they take off.
i hope that girls will find what they need in guys, not
what they want.
i wonder if the freedom that Kinsey and Hefner gave
to us was freedom at all. all i see are people who
want more and more distractions to keep them from
facing truth. we have become trapped, shackled by
our desires to compromise. to give to each individual
the right to do whatever they want as long as it
doesn't hurt anyone else.
half of marriages end in divorce, porn as become a
multi-billion dollar industry, teen pregnancies are
higher than they were 50 years ago. since when did
sex become as casual as sharing a drink.
i would like to go back to that time when someone
had the choice, had the voice to decide our future
and tell that person about the world we live in.
i'd ask him if he'd want to live in this world. if
he'd want this children and grandchildren to live
in this world.
Friday, October 24, 2008
Saturday, September 6, 2008
i've been thinking. i am a 3rd year in college. i have one more year. i'm not sad about leaving or anything, i'm worried, pressured about what to do after college. why'd i go to college in the first place, right? aren't you supposed to find what you're supposed to do for the rest of your life in college? ask yourself the same question with more emphasis on "the rest of your life". the rest of my life. i feel that life is too big and too unpredictable and too short to be compressed under a job title. i've been given advice, suggestions from the people that i care about. "you should be a doctor, it matches your personality... your major should be what you want to do and what God wants you to do... just wait for God, you'll be who He wants you to be." so i guess my dilemna isn't that i don't want to be compressed under a job title, it partly is, but mostly it's that i know what i want to do and i'm afraid of failing. my parents believe that i'm in the major i'm in for a reason and i should do my best and i agree. i believe that if i chose english as a major and that would be what i want to do and God could use it for His glory. i believe that i will end up as what God wants me to be. but all this doesn't take my fear away, it just makes me more scared and more pressured to just give up. i just want a purpose, a reason, but maybe this is all beyond me, beyond the fear, the worry, the problems.
Monday, August 18, 2008
vertical limit
actually i have seen this movie, i think i still have the stub from watching it in the theaters all those years ago. not a great movie, but been collecting ticket stubs ever since so i guess it has a sentimental value. anyway onto the entry...
i've been reading a book called into the wild by jon krakauer. i saw the movie, which was based off the book, with the same name. the movie really spoke a message to me and my spirit. a message that got across to me saying that no matter how successful we are by the world's standards of money, power, and sex we are still dissatisfied and look for more. we look for something greater than what we see around us and something that is greater than us. needless to say, i loved the movie and the book as well and i'm not even done with the book yet. i am in the final 50 pages of the book and i was reading about the author's relation to the inner depths of chris mccandless (the young man of which the book is about) and a few passages caught me and how i've been feeling lately. the passage is taken from the author describing his obsession with climbing a summit called the Devil's Thumb in Alaska and about how he kept failing, but eventually found a way to climb the summit successfully.
"...At dusk I watched, transfixed, as the lights of Petersburg blinked on in the west. The closest thing I'd had to human contact since the airdrop, the distant lights triggered a flood of emotion that caught me off guard. I imagined people watching baseball on television, eating fried chicken in brightly lit kitchens, drinking beer, making love. When I lay down to sleep, I was overcome by a wrenching loneliness. I'd never felt so alone, ever."
"...When I decided to go to Alaska that April, like Chris McCandless, I was a raw youth who mistook passion for insight and acted according to an obscure, gap-ridden logic. I thought climbing the Devils Thumb would fix all that was wrong with my life. In the end, of course, it changed almost nothing. But I came to appreciate that mountains make poor receptacles for dreams. And I lived to tell my tale."
"At that stage of my youth, death remained as abstract a concept non-Euclidean geometry or marriage. I didn't yet appreciate its terrible finality or the havoc it could wreak on those who'd entrusted the deceased with their hearts. I was stirred by the dark mystery of mortality. I couldn't resist stealing up to the edge of doom and peering over the brink. The hint of what was concealed in those shadows terrified me, but I caught sight of something in the glimpse, some forbidden and elemental riddle that was no less compelling than the sweet, hidden petals of a woman's sex.
In my case-- and, I believe, in the case of Chris McCandless--that was a very different thing from wanting to die."
i started feeling this loneliness the author spoke about and when i felt that, i stopped my habitual sin for a week or so. i saw things clearly. i see how futile this world is. then i delved back into sin and i got muddled, saw myself return to my old self. i couldn't take it, so i cried out to God saying i didn't want to go back. and i feel that same loneliness coming back. this void. this need to have everything wrong in my life to be fixed, to be perfect. realizing that everything this world offers is a distraction from reality. the reality being that we're imperfect souls incapable of anything truly good. i want to see the edge of doom, but i know all that i'll find is truth that i already know. the truth being that this world is not it, that eternity lies in the wake. eternity in darkness or eternity in light is our choice. so this is me wanting to come clean. this is me giving up. not to the world. but to God saying i don't know what else to do. and i hope that everyone will experience this. and make it through. i don't know if i'm making it through or not. God, save us because of your great love.
i've been reading a book called into the wild by jon krakauer. i saw the movie, which was based off the book, with the same name. the movie really spoke a message to me and my spirit. a message that got across to me saying that no matter how successful we are by the world's standards of money, power, and sex we are still dissatisfied and look for more. we look for something greater than what we see around us and something that is greater than us. needless to say, i loved the movie and the book as well and i'm not even done with the book yet. i am in the final 50 pages of the book and i was reading about the author's relation to the inner depths of chris mccandless (the young man of which the book is about) and a few passages caught me and how i've been feeling lately. the passage is taken from the author describing his obsession with climbing a summit called the Devil's Thumb in Alaska and about how he kept failing, but eventually found a way to climb the summit successfully.
"...At dusk I watched, transfixed, as the lights of Petersburg blinked on in the west. The closest thing I'd had to human contact since the airdrop, the distant lights triggered a flood of emotion that caught me off guard. I imagined people watching baseball on television, eating fried chicken in brightly lit kitchens, drinking beer, making love. When I lay down to sleep, I was overcome by a wrenching loneliness. I'd never felt so alone, ever."
"...When I decided to go to Alaska that April, like Chris McCandless, I was a raw youth who mistook passion for insight and acted according to an obscure, gap-ridden logic. I thought climbing the Devils Thumb would fix all that was wrong with my life. In the end, of course, it changed almost nothing. But I came to appreciate that mountains make poor receptacles for dreams. And I lived to tell my tale."
"At that stage of my youth, death remained as abstract a concept non-Euclidean geometry or marriage. I didn't yet appreciate its terrible finality or the havoc it could wreak on those who'd entrusted the deceased with their hearts. I was stirred by the dark mystery of mortality. I couldn't resist stealing up to the edge of doom and peering over the brink. The hint of what was concealed in those shadows terrified me, but I caught sight of something in the glimpse, some forbidden and elemental riddle that was no less compelling than the sweet, hidden petals of a woman's sex.
In my case-- and, I believe, in the case of Chris McCandless--that was a very different thing from wanting to die."
i started feeling this loneliness the author spoke about and when i felt that, i stopped my habitual sin for a week or so. i saw things clearly. i see how futile this world is. then i delved back into sin and i got muddled, saw myself return to my old self. i couldn't take it, so i cried out to God saying i didn't want to go back. and i feel that same loneliness coming back. this void. this need to have everything wrong in my life to be fixed, to be perfect. realizing that everything this world offers is a distraction from reality. the reality being that we're imperfect souls incapable of anything truly good. i want to see the edge of doom, but i know all that i'll find is truth that i already know. the truth being that this world is not it, that eternity lies in the wake. eternity in darkness or eternity in light is our choice. so this is me wanting to come clean. this is me giving up. not to the world. but to God saying i don't know what else to do. and i hope that everyone will experience this. and make it through. i don't know if i'm making it through or not. God, save us because of your great love.
Monday, August 11, 2008
signs
no. not the movie.
you know when you're at the club or the bar and you see a girl you like. you buy her a drink and introduce yourself. you tell her jokes and charm her until she smiles and gives you her number. you know what i'm talking about? yea well me neither. i pulled that out from a movie called swingers. i'm sure that's how it goes down in hollywood and other hot spots, but it sure doesn't in my life. i had a conversation with my friend while we were having dinner at chick fil a and continued the talk about girls all the way to taco bell to finish off a fast food dinner with more fast food. we talked about signs. about how you know whether a girl likes you or not. well there are tell tale signs like she smiles and laughs at every joke you have or she touches you a lot or she does something nice for you. this may help out a lot of guys, but not me. in christian circles all of the above means absolutely nothing. except for the touching part, that's probably frowned upon. anyway girls that you meet in christian circles do nice things for you like bake a cake for your birthday when everyone forgets, they laugh at your jokes or at least smile because they don't want to make you feel bad, and they always say hi to you no matter what because again they want you to know that yes people care about you. this is all awesome and it's great to be loved, but it's confusing as hell when you like a christian girl and the obvious signs aren't signs anymore. they're the norm. so what signs do you look for that is out of the ordinary, that tells you, "yea, man she digs you. go for it." there's nothing in the Bible that tells you how to date. no manual to tell you how to pick up the signs if there are signs or how to even tell if a girl is flirting or just being nice. we had a whole conversation about it and about situations where you end up in the friend zone and you're just the gay best friend who's not really gay, but still goes shopping with her and tells her she looks good in those jeans. what happened. i'm just venting sad to say. and even sadder nothing insightful is in this entry. it's just me surrendering saying that i don't know anything about girls or how to tell one you like her. of course this will just end up with me admitting my fear of rejection. and that's what it is. fear. even if i knew the signs it wouldn't make it easier to tell her. it's hard. rejection. can't be worse than shopping, right.
you know when you're at the club or the bar and you see a girl you like. you buy her a drink and introduce yourself. you tell her jokes and charm her until she smiles and gives you her number. you know what i'm talking about? yea well me neither. i pulled that out from a movie called swingers. i'm sure that's how it goes down in hollywood and other hot spots, but it sure doesn't in my life. i had a conversation with my friend while we were having dinner at chick fil a and continued the talk about girls all the way to taco bell to finish off a fast food dinner with more fast food. we talked about signs. about how you know whether a girl likes you or not. well there are tell tale signs like she smiles and laughs at every joke you have or she touches you a lot or she does something nice for you. this may help out a lot of guys, but not me. in christian circles all of the above means absolutely nothing. except for the touching part, that's probably frowned upon. anyway girls that you meet in christian circles do nice things for you like bake a cake for your birthday when everyone forgets, they laugh at your jokes or at least smile because they don't want to make you feel bad, and they always say hi to you no matter what because again they want you to know that yes people care about you. this is all awesome and it's great to be loved, but it's confusing as hell when you like a christian girl and the obvious signs aren't signs anymore. they're the norm. so what signs do you look for that is out of the ordinary, that tells you, "yea, man she digs you. go for it." there's nothing in the Bible that tells you how to date. no manual to tell you how to pick up the signs if there are signs or how to even tell if a girl is flirting or just being nice. we had a whole conversation about it and about situations where you end up in the friend zone and you're just the gay best friend who's not really gay, but still goes shopping with her and tells her she looks good in those jeans. what happened. i'm just venting sad to say. and even sadder nothing insightful is in this entry. it's just me surrendering saying that i don't know anything about girls or how to tell one you like her. of course this will just end up with me admitting my fear of rejection. and that's what it is. fear. even if i knew the signs it wouldn't make it easier to tell her. it's hard. rejection. can't be worse than shopping, right.
It's a humid summer night. One of those nights when you can taste the air. The trees stand still as they struggle to take in the thick air and behind them is a playground. Cigarette butts and discarded dimebags litter the mulch laying beneath the playground made of recycled material as if to say, "Thank you, Earth for giving us the trees and mulch. Here's something that can't decompose or become part of you again. It's for the kids."
A cigarette glows in the dark. Another cigarette lights up as two figures emerge.
One is seated on the bench overlooking the playground. One is sitting across from the bench on the slide.
The one sitting on the slide stands up as he sees a firefly light up and he takes a drag and blows a draft disturbing its flight.
Sam: "It's sticky as hell. Freakin' mosquitos."
Wes looks at Sam.
Sam slaps his left arm with his cigarette in his mouth.
"Got you, you bastard."
Wes squints his eyes condescendingly at Sam and takes another drag.
Wes: So, yesterday Jane got in a fight with her parents. Like a big fight. She said her parents said that she wasn't their daughter and I guess she felt...
Sam: Disowned?
Wes: Yeah, i guess. it was pretty messed up. So she calls me and i tell her to calm down and she says she needs to get out of the house. So i say ok i'll be there.
Sam: But you don't have a car.
Wes: ...So, i call Ryan, right? ::Sam laughs:: And i ask him for a favor and he says yea. He picks me up and we go to her house. She comes out and i get in the back of the car with her. She's crying and i don't know what to do. so i just hold her and say everything's going to be alright.
So Ryan drops us off at my place...
Sam: wait, she slept over?
Wes: yea.
Sam: where'd she sleep?
Wes: in my room.
Sam: where'd you sleep?
Wes: in my room.
Sam: Ohhh, i see. so you guys slept together. in the same bed together.
Wes: yea... so i locked my door. and we...
Sam: played monopoly? ::Sam laughs::
Wes laughs: so we're lying on my bed and she's cold. i put the blanket over her. and she comes in closer...
Sam: sex?
Wes: yes, but with my mouth.
Sam: huh? ooooh. awww. ok enough.
Wes: yea.
Sam and Wes take a drag. Sam looks at his cigarette.
Sam: i'm never sharing a cigarette with you again.
Wes: ::laughs::
Headlights shine through the trees. Wes picks up his phone.
Wes: Let's go.
They both flick their cigarettes on the mulch. the cigarettes glow in the night as they walk away. the headlights disappear as the cigarettes burn out.
A cigarette glows in the dark. Another cigarette lights up as two figures emerge.
One is seated on the bench overlooking the playground. One is sitting across from the bench on the slide.
The one sitting on the slide stands up as he sees a firefly light up and he takes a drag and blows a draft disturbing its flight.
Sam: "It's sticky as hell. Freakin' mosquitos."
Wes looks at Sam.
Sam slaps his left arm with his cigarette in his mouth.
"Got you, you bastard."
Wes squints his eyes condescendingly at Sam and takes another drag.
Wes: So, yesterday Jane got in a fight with her parents. Like a big fight. She said her parents said that she wasn't their daughter and I guess she felt...
Sam: Disowned?
Wes: Yeah, i guess. it was pretty messed up. So she calls me and i tell her to calm down and she says she needs to get out of the house. So i say ok i'll be there.
Sam: But you don't have a car.
Wes: ...So, i call Ryan, right? ::Sam laughs:: And i ask him for a favor and he says yea. He picks me up and we go to her house. She comes out and i get in the back of the car with her. She's crying and i don't know what to do. so i just hold her and say everything's going to be alright.
So Ryan drops us off at my place...
Sam: wait, she slept over?
Wes: yea.
Sam: where'd she sleep?
Wes: in my room.
Sam: where'd you sleep?
Wes: in my room.
Sam: Ohhh, i see. so you guys slept together. in the same bed together.
Wes: yea... so i locked my door. and we...
Sam: played monopoly? ::Sam laughs::
Wes laughs: so we're lying on my bed and she's cold. i put the blanket over her. and she comes in closer...
Sam: sex?
Wes: yes, but with my mouth.
Sam: huh? ooooh. awww. ok enough.
Wes: yea.
Sam and Wes take a drag. Sam looks at his cigarette.
Sam: i'm never sharing a cigarette with you again.
Wes: ::laughs::
Headlights shine through the trees. Wes picks up his phone.
Wes: Let's go.
They both flick their cigarettes on the mulch. the cigarettes glow in the night as they walk away. the headlights disappear as the cigarettes burn out.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
her
hey i have something to tell you
umm. i uh ... screw it
i think you're the most awesome
person i've ever met.
i know that you don't feel the
same way that i feel about you
and i can't say that i can picture
you and me together.
i'm sure you can do better
than me. whatever i am.
when i think about love
and its application i think
of you. not in a sensual way,
but in the purest way i can.
love is not about just me and you.
it's about God, me, and everyone
we know. so it's selfish of me.
because i just want you and me
to be. i've always thought you
were great. and back then
i was naive thinking that any girl
that talked to me for more than
5 minutes liked me. i know different
now.
i know that you were just being yourself.
you treat everyone the same. you love
everyone. and i hope that things work
out with that guy who likes you so much.
i always saw you two hanging out and
never thought much about it because
i was too engulfed by my lust and pride.
now that i can see a little clearer
i see everything i've missed out on.
and i'll keep all this with me, because
i don't want to ruin any good thing that
might happen between you two.
i know this all sounds stupid and
unexpected and completely random.
i feel a little dumb writing this.
i just needed to let it out.
and last of all i'm sorry for this
if it made you feel weird and
awkward. and yea. i'm just going
to go. have a good life.
umm. i uh ... screw it
i think you're the most awesome
person i've ever met.
i know that you don't feel the
same way that i feel about you
and i can't say that i can picture
you and me together.
i'm sure you can do better
than me. whatever i am.
when i think about love
and its application i think
of you. not in a sensual way,
but in the purest way i can.
love is not about just me and you.
it's about God, me, and everyone
we know. so it's selfish of me.
because i just want you and me
to be. i've always thought you
were great. and back then
i was naive thinking that any girl
that talked to me for more than
5 minutes liked me. i know different
now.
i know that you were just being yourself.
you treat everyone the same. you love
everyone. and i hope that things work
out with that guy who likes you so much.
i always saw you two hanging out and
never thought much about it because
i was too engulfed by my lust and pride.
now that i can see a little clearer
i see everything i've missed out on.
and i'll keep all this with me, because
i don't want to ruin any good thing that
might happen between you two.
i know this all sounds stupid and
unexpected and completely random.
i feel a little dumb writing this.
i just needed to let it out.
and last of all i'm sorry for this
if it made you feel weird and
awkward. and yea. i'm just going
to go. have a good life.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
love actually
i actually have not seen the movie, love actually, yet. i should though since the dvd is in my house. i'll get around to it one day, but for now another insightful entry by yours, truly.
today was routine for me. i woke up and heard my uncle painting the walls. he's been doing it for the past few weeks and it's become routine for me to wake up, walk the dog, try to go back to sleep, get up, read the Word, and turn on my laptop. everything was going according to plan until... i fell. i didn't literally fall. i fell as in i sinned. sin, to the world, isn't a serious a word as it should be. due to the reputation of Christians especially those to the far right, the televangelists, the people with picket signs saying "the end is near" sin has become sort of a long, lost, mythical word that used to be used by primitive people when they thought they angered "God". but to me and a lot of other people sin simply means that we fell short of the way God had planned us to live. yes there is a God and not a "God". He's real, whether if you believe or don't believe is a concern of mine and if you'd like to know more be free to ask. i sinned. i didn't meet God's standards. thank God for Jesus, but i still felt horrible. i felt wrong and dirty. i felt stressed. so stressed that i consumed a store bought Uno's pizza by myself, leaving me feeling dirty and fat. i felt depressed to say the least. i should've accepted my mom's offer to go eat jja jjang myun (noodles in black bean sauce) and i shouldn't have eaten that pizza, but what i really wished was that i could go back in time and not sin. but none of those things happened. i sinned, i felt bad, and we were out of bottled water. so i volunteered to go get water and other things that my mom required. i went out because i wanted some time alone. funny as it sounds, i was alone the whole day besides my uncle in the morning. you think i wanted some noise in the house, but i just wanted to wallow in my guilt and feel sorry for myself. as i was driving home i was wondering about love. how commercialized it was. how no one could possibly know the real definition. to find out you probably had to go back in time and ask someone in the beginning. or ask God himself. as i was getting out of the car i carried the 24 pack of water and sesame oil up the stairs to the door, i fumbled for my keys and put the water against the door and me hoping someone would open the door. no one did. and me feeling depressed found the key and opened the door and i realized that i could handle it. if i had one arm my parents would've been waiting for me to get home to help me, but they weren't because i could handle it. out of a random notion i found that God doesn't give us a load heavier than we can carry. i could've fought that temptation and won, but i didn't, i chose to give up. i walked upstairs and began reading the second to last chapter of Where Is God When It Hurts? by Philip Yancey and the last page struck me. God answered my question of what love really was.
"This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers. If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him? Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth."
1st John 3:16-18
Sacrifice is what i get from those words. i just pray that God is my strength and He uses my weaknesses. In Jesus' name. Amen.
today was routine for me. i woke up and heard my uncle painting the walls. he's been doing it for the past few weeks and it's become routine for me to wake up, walk the dog, try to go back to sleep, get up, read the Word, and turn on my laptop. everything was going according to plan until... i fell. i didn't literally fall. i fell as in i sinned. sin, to the world, isn't a serious a word as it should be. due to the reputation of Christians especially those to the far right, the televangelists, the people with picket signs saying "the end is near" sin has become sort of a long, lost, mythical word that used to be used by primitive people when they thought they angered "God". but to me and a lot of other people sin simply means that we fell short of the way God had planned us to live. yes there is a God and not a "God". He's real, whether if you believe or don't believe is a concern of mine and if you'd like to know more be free to ask. i sinned. i didn't meet God's standards. thank God for Jesus, but i still felt horrible. i felt wrong and dirty. i felt stressed. so stressed that i consumed a store bought Uno's pizza by myself, leaving me feeling dirty and fat. i felt depressed to say the least. i should've accepted my mom's offer to go eat jja jjang myun (noodles in black bean sauce) and i shouldn't have eaten that pizza, but what i really wished was that i could go back in time and not sin. but none of those things happened. i sinned, i felt bad, and we were out of bottled water. so i volunteered to go get water and other things that my mom required. i went out because i wanted some time alone. funny as it sounds, i was alone the whole day besides my uncle in the morning. you think i wanted some noise in the house, but i just wanted to wallow in my guilt and feel sorry for myself. as i was driving home i was wondering about love. how commercialized it was. how no one could possibly know the real definition. to find out you probably had to go back in time and ask someone in the beginning. or ask God himself. as i was getting out of the car i carried the 24 pack of water and sesame oil up the stairs to the door, i fumbled for my keys and put the water against the door and me hoping someone would open the door. no one did. and me feeling depressed found the key and opened the door and i realized that i could handle it. if i had one arm my parents would've been waiting for me to get home to help me, but they weren't because i could handle it. out of a random notion i found that God doesn't give us a load heavier than we can carry. i could've fought that temptation and won, but i didn't, i chose to give up. i walked upstairs and began reading the second to last chapter of Where Is God When It Hurts? by Philip Yancey and the last page struck me. God answered my question of what love really was.
"This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers. If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him? Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth."
1st John 3:16-18
Sacrifice is what i get from those words. i just pray that God is my strength and He uses my weaknesses. In Jesus' name. Amen.
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