i hear a lot about living under grace. i've been hearing that lately and asking to do that in my prayers, to live under grace. but i'm not sure exactly what it means. i can't really say i know what grace is by definition. i think i know what grace is not and maybe from there i can conclude something definite.

grace isn't something that you take advantage of and use to your selfish gain. i think a lot of people do this and i used to as well. we say God will forgive me and we do whatever we want. i don't believe that grace is that. if it was we'd have murderers, rapists, and thieves out here while we locked ourselves away in an upstate prison. there isn't a supply of grace that we get every year to use sparingly. it's more of a second chance, grace is a gift.

grace also isn't limited. we say God gave me a second chance, so i can't screw up anymore. but we do and we destroy ourselves. i've been there too. if that was true, grace would be the leading cause of preventable death in the country. everyone would be killing themselves out of fear of screwing up again. grace isn't just one "get out of jail free" card. it's a lifetime of bail outs that we will need. grace is freedom.

grace is a free gift. so, why do i have so much trouble forgiving myself, why do i feel sometimes i'm on my way to hell, why do i have trouble accepting grace, of living under it. i sinned today. i know i will sin again, but today i was filled with grief and horror and wanted to be punished to be justified. i kept telling myself of grace, of living under it, of love. i wondered what love looked like, what grace looked like. and i kept telling myself that Christ on the cross was it. i told myself it was a cliche and doubted, i wanted a feeling, some emotion to help me get through. but the more i thought about it, it made sense. Christ on the cross. died for my sins. forgave all my sins. to give me grace to move on. so that i don't have to suffer. so that i can be different from the rest. grace is making me new.