i think i think too much

i really do. whether the devil is coaxing me and tempting me with unreasonable and illogical thought patterns or whether i'm just paranoid and fatalistic, i spend most of my time in my thoughts. and i buy into many of them. some are ambitious. some say that i'll be famous one day, that i'll be a good writer, that i'll have a lot of money, and live a good life. i want to believe them. some others say that i'll be alone, that the worst is yet to come, and that i will die miserable, unloved and unknown. i fight to not believe them.

if i choose not to believe any of these thoughts, will i be better off? i believe that God can work in these thoughts. but at the same time they get the best of me and i find myself believing lies and irrational prophecies of my own deduction. do i turn it all off? i don't have the power to do that. you say don't think about it, i think harder. the more i think about ambitious thoughts the more i realize that it can't come true. the more i think about evil ones the more i realize how powerless i am to keep them from coming true. the more i realize how powerless i am the more i feel that they are inevitable.

the harder i think and the more i lose hope. the more i think the more i think about evil days. the more i think the more my jealousies rage. the more i think the more i think "i'm not worth it. the world's better off without whatever i am."

i get sucked into these delusions, but i've found strength to fight them. but i feel if any of my horrible thoughts would come true i would lose once and for all. if one thought came to be i would realize my worst fears and find that it was true all along.

i've found myself at a point of surrender. if i give up these things to God, then i may have hope. the remnants of fear or worry may linger, but if i can have hope in One who can redeem me i feel that i can go on no matter what thoughts may come true. i find that it's really not complicated. it's simple. at least i think it is.