learning

you know how in disney movies the supposedly nonredeemable character goes through obstacles and circumstances that he or she would never have gone through before to come out transformed, a new character with new actions.

in beauty and the beast, the beast was "unlovable" until belle loves him and he's transformed into a handsome, white (i think he should've been black because of that manly, soulful voice, but disney, right?) prince.

the old dude in Up is turned from a bitter old man into a mentor/father figure at the end of the film because he realized that all the adventure that he needed and wanted with his wife already happened while she was alive.

in freaky friday, the mother and daughter switch bodies, so that they will learn what it's like to be in each others' shoes and to understand, hence growing closer together.

and in blah blah blah. the list goes on forever and will continue to grow.

my question and sort of pondering is this.

am i going through that same thing right now?

for the past 6 months almost, more likely 5, i've been in pain and don't get me wrong i'm way better off now than 4 months ago, but am i missing a lesson here?

i believe things happen for a reason and that God's got a lesson to be learned in all circumstances. the most apparent lesson that i need to learn is patience.

i am impatient. not with waiting for my hot pocket to be done or waiting in line at the dmv, but with learning lessons themselves. i want to know it all, do it all, and be done with it all.

but i'm not done. not as close to done as i would want to be, which would be to be done.

i am impatient. i've come to terms with that. i want to say that i've gotten more patient in the past few months, but at the same time i ask myself how much patience do i need?

and that is where the problem lies.

love God and love people? ok. how do i do that? how much? what do i do? when is it enough? when will my quota of love be fulfilled?

tithe? how much? 10%? every week? every paycheck? what my heart allows me to give? to charities? organizations?

go on missions? share the Gospel? how many people? pray for her? him?

what do i have to do to earn God's love? His favor? when will He be happy with me? i'll do whatever it takes. i'll work all my life to earn it. when i sin and He doesn't like me anymore, i'll make it up to Him. i promise. He'll be proud of me. one day, i'll be worthy.

i'll work 'til the day i die. i'll do whatever He wants. as long as He promises to love me and accept me.

i'll do anything and everything. but i'll fail. like i always do. i'll say i'm sorry and ask You to forgive, but i won't feel forgiven. i'll pray to love more, but i don't feel loved. i'll remind myself of truth, but i will believe the lie.

i tell myself that i will learn. God will teach me. i'll learn and never forget. but i do. will i ever really learn? or will i constantly struggle to accept the truth? will i be too late in the end?

i know that i will always be learning, but never fully learned. and i'm ok with that now. i just want to know the Truth. i don't want to keep asking the same questions anymore.