higher

i remember this dark, green radiator hidden behind a giant oak tree in front of the apartments i used to live in when i was a kid. it was probably only 7 or 8 feet tall, but when you're a 3 or 4 foot kid it's a climb. i used whatever nook i could find on this radiator to get my hands on the edge of the top and pull myself up with the little upper body strength i had. before climbing i would imagine what lay up there, so high above me. i wondered if there would be a chair waiting for me or a secret treasure that only i could find, something to reward my efforts because on the ground i was just a dreamer. but if i went higher i would be what happens when dreams come true. i would be happily ever after, i would be a king, i would be content. i climbed up this radiator to get away from wishful gazing, to be off the ground, to be closer to the dream, to be higher. i remember reaching the top and taking a look around. the top was decorated in fall leaves and dirt from other kids' shoes who had climbed before me. i crawled away from the edge to be closer to the heart of the radiator and i sat down. i wasn't disappointed, in fact, i was quite joyful. there was no treasure or chair waiting for me. there was no pat on the back or praise from the radiator or the trees surrounding me. just me breathing in the cool air as i stared into the branches, leaves, nature around and above me. i had done what i set out to do. i had climbed higher and was where i wanted to be. and that was enough. i was content.

i wonder why i want this so badly.
to feel and be felt. i tell myself
i want to be free from this fire,
my desire, but i go back to it
because i think i need it. maybe
i do. then after i tell myself
i want to be free. i am free.
but i am free from touch in this
touchless world and i want
to go back. but i want to be free
from the touch of my mind.
the illusion of my fantasy.
i need to feel.

when i am done
i sober up and
i see things as
they are
as they should be
but before and during
i am lost in what
could be and what cannot
and i wonder why
i want this so badly.

forgive/forget

how can i repay,
compensate,
relieve this
burden on
my shoulders.
i walk with a
heavy heart
worried if bad
luck will follow
me until my
debt is paid.
how can i get
up from this
guilt that
will crush me.
will i be overcome
by evil or
overcome by evil.
fire with fire.
because sometimes
all i can see is
the evil in me.
and i feel that
i have ruined everything
for me.
but nothing else matters
except You.
i need You.
i need Your mercy.
i'm forgetting my
forgiveness.
i need Your forgiveness.
i find that i cannot carry
on without it.

trying

that is all that i am.
i try to live, to love,
to hate evil, to seek
justice. when will
i be? love, seek, live as
i am supposed to.
when will i be human?
to be who i was
created to be.

spare change

i could spare some change,
to change your circumstances
so you would know that you
are loved.

you could spare some change,
but you don't want to.
stay in your bubble,
justify yourself, all the same.

we have spare change.
only God can change us,
give up our rights,
sacrifice what we call life.

could we spare some change?

this is all in my mind

you. you beautiful, you sick,
you crying, you healthy, you
laughing, you alive, you dead,
you better, you worse, you
kissing, hugging, loving me.

your scent, your touch, your
porcelain skin, you mouth, your
hips, your spirit, your everything.
i want to kiss your everything.

your image, you beautiful,
i'm with you. we're one.
this is all in my mind.

i am weary.
i am so sick of being weary
and so weary of being sick.

this sin of mine has blocked,
imprisoned,
killed me.

i am alive, but i am dead.
this sin of mine has killed
what makes me
me.

i find i have no clever remarks,
nothing worthy to say. i have been
reduced to an unoriginal, caged
animal.

i do what i hate. i am dying.
O God, save me!
Have mercy on me!
I desire mercy, not sacrifice.
Your words, not mine.

* * *

I find that sin in me is the death of me.
no longer just right and wrong, but a
darkness that will
do whatever it takes to
cover me, to
hide me, to
make me forget
who i am, to make
me just another patch
in a quilt of black.

where is the light?
show me what i am.
whether i am a conformist,
a plagiarist,
another lost soul.
show me how to be me.
to be original, to be who
i was created to be.
show me, that i may
change.

i want to live!
i want to love!
i want to play
my guitar!
whether i am
on key or off!
i want to feel
joy, depression,
loss, and hope.
i want to taste
the Son.
i want to smell
the earth.
i want to touch
the stars.
to see the things
unseen.
to hear and to
understand.
i want to hold, to
be held, to be let
go, to let go.
i want to be.