sorry i couldn't think of any movie title to fit the mood except the word lost which happens to be a tv show, a bad tv show which i think should be canceled anytime now. anyway onwards we go...
i remember growing up in the church and going to my first retreat. it was winter and it was the first time i was away longer than a sleepover, in fact it was a sleepover times 3. i was there for 3 nights or 2, my memory's a bit fuzzy. the important thing is that at that retreat i experienced God for the first time and unfortunately i also experienced my first spiritual high. i only say unfortunately because after that first high you only want more and the only time you look forward to it is at retreats. thus began a long, vicious cycle of dissatisfaction, loneliness, and sin which continues to this day. for the most part i've grown up. i'm in college, i'm on the verge of change as i switch majors and step into new responsiblities as a president of a fellowship. i have a lot on my plate and all i can think of is myself and my problems and how i'm going to do nothing about them.
needless to say i am lost. i used to look for those moments, those times of spiritual high when you feel God's presence and just feel at peace. i used to look for insight, for wisdom that would take all my problems away. i wanted that one moment where my life would change and i would be perfect.
i now know that i cannot be perfect and that Jesus is the solution for that incapability. Jesus is my cornerstone to a strong, healthy, godly life. and i know that having Jesus doesn't mean problems go away, but He'll work with me to overcome them. all i need to do is seek His kingdom, to do His will, to obey, to love. the worst part of me is that i can't, i won't do that. i find myself measuring myself by God's perfect standards and am disappointed when i fall, feeling like i'm going to hell. i feel like i'm making my own hell here on earth. but i can't shake these sins and i wish there was that one moment when everything would be ok. all i feel now is alone. i can't even meet God halfway. my sins have entangled me to the point where i am left looking at these hopeless shackles, wondering if i can be saved.
i see people still looking for those bits of insight, that moment when they fall to their knees and cry and praise God for His goodness and will and plan for them, that moment when their addictions loosen up on them, when answers to problems show up on a silver platter. i admire them because they're seeking something. they're looking. they look to God, they desire what He has to offer. i sit, i read the Word forgetting it after, i pray words wondering if they're heard. i don't look or search for God's will. i haven't desired God in a while, maybe i haven't desired Him at all, all i wanted was a way out of my problems i wanted to use God as that way.
now i'm lost.
1 comment:
you're intrinsically motivated.
in an effort to reach your own intangible goal, you've moved on to the point that everyone should if they take the reasoning seriously, "i want to do my best to be perfect, but i'm human and never going to be perfect, so... where does that put me?"
how many people have been/are affected by your life and presence? how many people have you met that you've left an imprint on?
..how can you tell?
God loves you and always will. you do your conscience a disservice by doubting yourself and being less proud of yourself than you should be; you've come to a point where you have to decide whether or not you're proud of yourself and what kind of person you're developing into.
and why waiver? that peace you get from reaching a spiritual high -- something doesn't always have to happen, does it? do you have to go through rising action and climax and falling action until you reach your goal?
you're reaching a new level of awareness; you can't be blind your whole life..
now that you're seeing the world with a more experienced eye and understanding yourself better, who are you?
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