what is this that presses itself on me so heavily. am i pressing down on myself or is it something else. this fear, this worry, this depression leaves a great impression on me. i have food, water, clothes, a bed, parents, an education. i have no reason to be depressed. no reason to be greatly depressed. but i feel without hope. where is my God. is He above watching me in my misery or is He next to me as i begin to grow numb to the distractions that i surround myself with, that i fill my eyes with. i am afraid that one day i will wake up alone. and i am afraid that i will say to myself, "see, i told you so." because i expect the worst. i expect the worst in every situation.
people say to me that i am relaxed and cool when things don't bother me the way they bother others. i am not relaxed or cool. i am expecting worse. i still do. i am expecting everyone to leave me one day because of the impression of my depression and i look forward to that day because the worst will be over and i will be at the bottom. i will no longer have to fear anything worse because it has already happened. and once i am at the bottom, i will stay there because to climb is to fall.
i want to enjoy the time God has given me. no matter how short. sin and sorrow hide in dark corners and i may lure myself to their familiar grasp. so i've already lost precious time. God desires perfection and so do i. His Son will stand in my place when all is said and done because i'm broken. i wonder if He's disappointed in me. i know i am. i wonder why i can't stop doing the things i hate. i wonder if i truly hate them.
i'm hoping that love will kick in the door sometime soon to pull out from the bottom. but i'm afraid of being dropped back in. God is good i've learned. He isn't tempted by evil. but He can redeem it for His good. how i desire this. how i desire to be impressed by Him rather than my depression.
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