porn

i don't know what i was thinking. i really wonder if i even know what love is or if i actually like a girl for who she is and not who she is in my fantasies. for me i daydream and fantasize a lot before i fall asleep. i think of marriage. i don't think of white dresses, doves, or anything like that. i think about being with someone and enjoying just being close. like every other man my thoughts get the best of me and they go towards thoughts that i'm not proud of, but i imagine what it would be like to actually be with someone that enjoys being with you. no awkwardness, no fidgeting, and no galloping towards each other in a field with that cliche love music in the background. just me and her holding each other up. i think about the physicality of it all. and the emotional security that that physicality provides in someone. then i realize that this isn't what i'm supposed to be doing. i realize that this is porn. this is porn in my mind. i'm just getting my hopes up. yes porn is porn in the real world with all its graphic depictions, and that is something i will get over God willing, but this porn in my mind is something entirely different and yet it isn't really. to the core i'm just stimulating my desires even more with these thoughts. emotionally and spiritually i am ruining myself with these fantasies. and i know i need to stop. i want to. it's not as easy as i would like it. but without my physical, emotional, or spiritual states in the right. i, as a person, am failing. i am missing God's big picture. i am dying. God is smart. smarter than i know and more real than i lead myself to believe. so i give up. i give it all up. all my burdens and my heavy load. i hope for healing and for rest. God just say the Word and i'll be healed.