failure

i've always been afraid of failure.
failure at being cool. at athletics.
at being good looking. these were
all superficial and i don't really
care much about them as i used to.

but now i find myself scared to fail
at life. at love. at being a person.
God i am scared to death. i'm scared
to die for love, for hope, for this faith
that millions have died for.

i am so scared that i have limited myself
to things that i can do without much effort.
and when i fail i just say i wasn't trying.
that i'll do better next time. that i'll soak in
more information about this and that

and next time. next time i'll be ready.
i'll be so strong and courageous and
perfect. but i'm never stronger.
i am full of fear. flawed. i don't try
my best for fear that my best won't
be enough. even though i know
my best can never be enough.

my self-pity is the worst. when i feel
sorry for myself, i am already defeated.
i don't even try at all. i don't even hope
for anything to come rescue me because
i know that nothing will. because the one
in the way is me. i am afraid to let in
the pain, the suffering that accompanies
failure.

but i have to. i have to let failure and its
friends destroy me, shake me, break me
so that i can be molded into something
better. someone stronger. God i feel
weaker than ever. i am scared more
than ever. but i know that this is
necessary. that i need this more than
anything else right now.

my only hope is that i do what is right.
that i won't sin despite pain. that i won't
fall however weak i get. i hope i fight
the easy way out which is no way out
at all. facing failure is the only escape
from myself. and when i escape i will
see Your face realizing that You were
here all along.