wedding

a man weds a woman. a woman weds a man. there is a wedding ceremony, wedding cake, wedding guests, wedding cards, wedding gifts, wedding pictures, wedding decorations, wedding reception, wedding vows. i think about all these things. the details of a wedding. i never think about what it really means to wed. i never thought about it as an action, just a bunch of details that people put so much care into. what does it mean to wed, to be married. there's a nice ceremony where people are dressed in their best, a reception where there is celebration for the honored couple, but we forget about the details that have become redundant over the years. the vows, the kiss, the guests. what does it all mean?

the vows. aren't vows for knights? for samurais to honor and would fight to the death for? isn't it for that one guy who gets saved by a kung fu master and is indebted to him for life? vows are forever, right? when the action hero takes a vow of vengeance upon the person who killed his family, we expect the hero to follow through. he may get tired, weary, discouraged, but we expect fully that he will get his revenge and that he will make good on his vow. but of course we expect that in a movie. it wouldn't make much of a film if he changed his mind or found another woman to start a family with and forgot about his vow. we'd have serious questions about his character and his intentions. why is it so different with marriage. people are getting divorced left and right. have they forgotten their vows? when they made them, didn't we expect them to follow through? when they said that they would be together until death no matter what circumstances would arise, did we just think that it was a euphemism? maybe i didn't take it so seriously because no one else did. but it just makes us out to be liars. the vows are real. there may be times when you wish you weren't married, when you wish the person you were married to were different, when you want to cheat, when you want to leave, when you want to end it. we want the easy way out. but when we don't keep the vows it kills the relationship and the people involved in it. it hurts the other person when you want to be selfish and break the vows. but remembering them and keeping them keeps the marriage intact. the vows keep the couple alive. the vows are for life.

the kiss. i don't have much experience in this department. i think every kid knows kisses are sometimes wet and sloppy, but the people that kiss you care for you. one day you're too old to be kissed good night and its time to find someone else that you can kiss. the kiss isn't just a physical sweet gesture that lets everyone know that you are together or that you care or that you share the same bed. i believe its symbolic. when you kiss at your wedding you're saying this is my spouse whom i love and will love until death and the only one who i will kiss as long as i live. i don't think its a sin to kiss your parents and your children or a close friend, but that's why the bride and groom kiss lips. i don't know how the kiss came about. maybe adam and eve were hanging out and one of them suggested to the other if they wanted to touch mouths. "like the thing i use to put food into and chew and swallow?" "well, maybe not teeth, but just the outer part of the mouth." and the kiss was born. or maybe they didn't find touching nostrils and ears quite the same thing as touching lips. i figure you don't kiss everyone you meet and that it's reserved for someone you care about and want to share your life with. maybe that's why the kiss comes after the vows. it's a seal. a promise to keep the vows.

the wedding guests. yes, you will invite people that you have never seen before, but at least you can get wedding gifts or money to pay off the wedding from them. but the guests are more than guests. they're witnesses. your best man, maid of honor? men and women to keep you accountable, to make sure that you are making a lifelong choice and that you must keep it. the guests testify to your vows, your kiss, and your lifelong journey together as one. the witnesses are going to be one of the reasons that you keep your vows. you don't want to tell everyone that you have broken your vows that they were witness to. it's shameful and you become a liar. you break the faith that they had in your marriage bond. they don't know all the details of your married life. they don't know what he's really like. they don't know how she treats me. but they care. they care enough to be there to see you join together as one. but i don't want to stay with her or him for their sake, what about what i want? this is what you wanted. you wanted forever. you wanted vows, kiss, the witnesses, and everything. if you didn't mean it, then you shouldn't have. this is why there are no divorce ceremonies. we don't celebrate it. we say forever and mean it. weddings are the beginning of no end.

i am scared to be happy. i used to be scared of thunder storms. i remember one time i was at my grandmother's house and i was lying on the couch as it began to thunder and rain. i could feel the dampness in my hair as sweat seeped through my nervous pores. i heard cracking as an unfortunate tree got hit by lightening and i saw severed branches on the ground where it didn't belong. the wind began to blow and rain started to pour and every so often a flash of light alerted my attention and fears towards the storm. i imagined my father, who was coming to pick us up, in a horrible accident. maybe a tree limb fell on his car, maybe the car slipped on the road, maybe lightening struck him, who knew? but he came. and i was relieved as me and my sister left to go home where it was safe, where i knew everything would be in its right place and be there to stay.

i realize that i wasn't so much scared of the lightening, the rain, and the wind themselves. i was scared of the effect that they would have on me. and the same fear grips me now. happiness? happiness i can't grab, i can't hold onto, and no matter how tight i may grip it it can go away. i am scared to be happy because i know that at any instant it can be taken away. of course, this is true in all things. i can lose any part of my body to disease or accident; i can lose my family or friends through death; i can lose myself in my depression. so why happiness? why does it matter so much? maybe i've grown up listening to too many happily ever afters. no one tells you what happens after happily ever after because happily ever after means forever. people living happy forever. but the more i've grown up the more that isn't true. disappointment, failure, crushed hopes have all the more watered my fear making it grow into this giant tree whose shade i'm under, not allowing any sunlight to touch me for fear of being burned.

the more i stay under this tree, the more i feel the vines of pride strangle me and hold me down to where i don't belong. i don't belong under this tree of fear. i want to be free and i want to cut these vines that are holding me down. cutting them hurt because it seems that they have become a part of me, stuck on me like tape, like a bandaid i don't want to rip off because it'll pull out some of my hairs with it, but wounds need to breathe to heal. and i want to breathe and heal and i may get burned, i may fall, i may lose it all, but God will help me rise again. the God of redemption and hope in whom we can't be disappointed in, in whom there can be no failure. so God help me to lay it all out there. cut these vines so i can cut down this tree and give me seeds that will grow to bear fruit.

the great impression

what is this that presses itself on me so heavily. am i pressing down on myself or is it something else. this fear, this worry, this depression leaves a great impression on me. i have food, water, clothes, a bed, parents, an education. i have no reason to be depressed. no reason to be greatly depressed. but i feel without hope. where is my God. is He above watching me in my misery or is He next to me as i begin to grow numb to the distractions that i surround myself with, that i fill my eyes with. i am afraid that one day i will wake up alone. and i am afraid that i will say to myself, "see, i told you so." because i expect the worst. i expect the worst in every situation.

people say to me that i am relaxed and cool when things don't bother me the way they bother others. i am not relaxed or cool. i am expecting worse. i still do. i am expecting everyone to leave me one day because of the impression of my depression and i look forward to that day because the worst will be over and i will be at the bottom. i will no longer have to fear anything worse because it has already happened. and once i am at the bottom, i will stay there because to climb is to fall.

i want to enjoy the time God has given me. no matter how short. sin and sorrow hide in dark corners and i may lure myself to their familiar grasp. so i've already lost precious time. God desires perfection and so do i. His Son will stand in my place when all is said and done because i'm broken. i wonder if He's disappointed in me. i know i am. i wonder why i can't stop doing the things i hate. i wonder if i truly hate them.

i'm hoping that love will kick in the door sometime soon to pull out from the bottom. but i'm afraid of being dropped back in. God is good i've learned. He isn't tempted by evil. but He can redeem it for His good. how i desire this. how i desire to be impressed by Him rather than my depression.

i see your body
your everything
i see my desire
i devour

but i don't see
beyond your flesh
i don't see what
drove you to
this

i see my lust
and the means
to an ugly end
i'm unfocused
breathe
focus

i know who
you are
a daughter
a sister
a lover

i see what
i've become
selfish
weak
a sinner

i walk away
and pray
for forgiveness
for love
for strength

i walk away
and i die
to rise again
anew
because
i don't want
to hear
a father's cry

to new

i'm having this mental block. this barrier that i can't seem to let go or get through or break. i just want to breathe but i can't even do that. i think. i constantly think about everything. i think about thinking. maybe it's satan's attempt to get me to fall backwards. to get me to my old ways again. but i want to move on. to new.

my old ways were denying me. i was listening to people all around me, but i wasn't really hearing Him, i was hearing them. i was told all these things and i tried to do them, but it shouldn't have been me doing in the first place. i was blind and deaf and i wasn't understanding. but all fingers pointed to You. now i'm ruined. nothing can stand in comparison to You.

so i find myself beginning a journey. of seeking on my own. walking and living out my own story in His light. i still have troubles, i still have questions, but that doesn't matter anymore. i don't want to worry about what others say unless it brings me closer to You. but now i know i must seek You alone. without anyone telling me how it is, just You guiding me into new.

i hear a lot about living under grace. i've been hearing that lately and asking to do that in my prayers, to live under grace. but i'm not sure exactly what it means. i can't really say i know what grace is by definition. i think i know what grace is not and maybe from there i can conclude something definite.

grace isn't something that you take advantage of and use to your selfish gain. i think a lot of people do this and i used to as well. we say God will forgive me and we do whatever we want. i don't believe that grace is that. if it was we'd have murderers, rapists, and thieves out here while we locked ourselves away in an upstate prison. there isn't a supply of grace that we get every year to use sparingly. it's more of a second chance, grace is a gift.

grace also isn't limited. we say God gave me a second chance, so i can't screw up anymore. but we do and we destroy ourselves. i've been there too. if that was true, grace would be the leading cause of preventable death in the country. everyone would be killing themselves out of fear of screwing up again. grace isn't just one "get out of jail free" card. it's a lifetime of bail outs that we will need. grace is freedom.

grace is a free gift. so, why do i have so much trouble forgiving myself, why do i feel sometimes i'm on my way to hell, why do i have trouble accepting grace, of living under it. i sinned today. i know i will sin again, but today i was filled with grief and horror and wanted to be punished to be justified. i kept telling myself of grace, of living under it, of love. i wondered what love looked like, what grace looked like. and i kept telling myself that Christ on the cross was it. i told myself it was a cliche and doubted, i wanted a feeling, some emotion to help me get through. but the more i thought about it, it made sense. Christ on the cross. died for my sins. forgave all my sins. to give me grace to move on. so that i don't have to suffer. so that i can be different from the rest. grace is making me new.

a time for pain

6 weeks. that's how long i've been in pain. every morning, afternoon, and night has been slightly uncomfortable to excruciating and the pain doesn't seem to be letting up. about 3 months ago i injured my lower back. after a game of basketball i went back to my cozy apartment hoping to enjoy a hot glass of cocoa while watching a movie on the projector. as soon as i bent over i felt a sharp pain in my lower back and i found that i couldn't bend or move i normally could. i'm no gymnast, but sitting down without groaning in pain and bending my back were things i used to be pretty good at. i put some icy hot on my back and hoped for the best. my back got better slowly over time, but i decided to go back home and get acupuncture to speed up the recovery. i went back and got 3 sessions of sweet needle sticking and suction cupping (for the bad blood) and i was almost 100% without pain. it was great. it was a miracle. it was really Asian. so i went back to school feeling fine, but had some discomfort in my legs. the concept behind acupuncture is to bring the pain out, so the pain in my lower back was moving down my legs to go out through my feet? i think. i'm still not sure, but like an idiot i went back to what i loved to do, which is being manly. and what do manly men do? go back to lifting really heavy weights to impress girls and boys alike.

i wanted to see if i could deadlift what i could before, so i could prove to myself that all that time wasted in the gym wasn't about to go to waste. i did what i had hoped to do, but not without sacrifice. as the days went on, pain in my legs started to get increasingly worse. sharp pain would go down my left leg whenever i sat down on my toilet. sorry for the image. weeks went by without it getting better. i thought it was bad circulation and put my feet in warm water, but it didn't really help. i walked around with the pain like a bleeding wound that no one could see, but i felt. i immediately thought of acupuncture. the promise of instant relief gave me hope, so i dealt with the pain any way i could. i hit my leg to numb the pain, i tried to ignore it hoping it would go away as if my unresponsiveness would bore it into leaving me alone. nothing worked and the pain worsened as i walked, as i woke up every morning to find the same gnawing pain in my leg, and as i woke up a little bit more hopeless every day.

i went home and received the acupuncture treatment i so desired. my mom called the acupuncturist and told her about my condition; she laughed and told me to come if i wanted. i went and explained my pain. she stuck needles in me, but this time i felt no instant relief. i walked out feeling the same. feeling more hopeless. the pain remained and i did not want to waste more money on a treatment that didn't work. then i got a phonecall from my awesome mentor/medical advisor/brother kevin lee and i was pretty stoked to go eat with him. we enjoyed a nice indian lunch buffet while the pain nagged at me reminding me that it was still very real and present. we ate and talked and i held back from getting a 3rd plate that most likely would've put me to sleep. i told him about my symptoms and he said that i had a herniated disc, although not a severe case. the pain in my legs was because the disc was pinching a nerve in my back which connected to my legs. it was called sciatica. well, now i knew my enemy's name. he told me to go google and find exercises to do to treat my back. i had hope again, so i went home to google this pain away.

i found exercises that were painful for me to do. i felt my back bone crack into place, but the pain was still there, but at least there was something i could do now. i went to get acupuncture at a different place. my aunt recommended him to my mother, so i went with my mom and dad hoping for instant relief. i wondered what was different about this man's methods that made him better. i soon found out. painfully. he stuck needles in places that i didn't expect. my wrist, middle finger, foot, arm, and the area between my nose and upper lip. he stuck one in my wrist and twisted it until i hissed in pain. he then grabbed the needles in my arm and above my upper lip and said this was going to hurt. he told me to move my hips in a motion that would stretch my lower back as he twisted the needles. it hurt. a lot. but it got better because i could feel my back loosen up a little. at the end i was glad i went. i was supposed to go again, but i figured it'd be fine. he told me to rest my back and take it easy for a while. that translated to me as: don't exercise, but it's totally cool if you want to go out and eat and drink beer. he actually told me to stop drinking beer because he said that it was bad for my large intestine and he pointed at my acne ridden face saying that it was connected to my large intestine. i appreciated the advice, but i took it with a grain of salt.

i went out and drank and ate and the pain got worse and worse. i went back to the acupuncturist and he said my back was really swollen because i hadn't rested. fantastic. i'm an idiot. so i go home and i do absolutely nothing. but its good for my back, so i don't complain. i ice the back, eat, get fat, and do it all over again. my mom is concerned and she wants me to get an x-ray. she sets up an appointment at the chiropractors. i go and i get bad news. my spine is tilting to the left because my muscle spasms are pulling it that way. i have a disc problem between my L4 and L5 bones. he puts me through a series of tests and then he puts me through a series of massaging. after that, he twists me and cracks my bones to "relieve the symptoms." i'm grateful, but still in pain and i go home. the pain is now in my right leg and it's worse off than before. i can't bend over, i can't make any sudden movements, i get muscle spasms in my butt and leg and all i can do is wait out the pain, i can't squat or even sit without a pain attack. my mom says not to go back to the chiropractor because the acupuncturist said its just going to put me through more pain and money since i don't have insurance. i wish i knew that before. i wish i didn't take x-ray. i wish i didn't waste 130 on that torture doctor they call a chiropractor. i wish that i didn't feel knifes in my legs and butt every time i made a sudden move. i wish i never deadlifted that fateful day in november. i wish i wasn't in pain.

where does that leave me? i was feeling hopeless as i was told that the recovery was going to take a long time. i couldn't imagine a pain free day anytime soon. i felt depressed. my dad spoke up and said there are times in life when you're going to be in pain and times when you're not, don't despair.

and i haven't. this has actually turned out for my benefit. i've been spending time by myself, with God, taking things slow. sleeping early, waking up early. i've spent my mornings and afternoons with a beautiful girl gracious enough to visit me in my misery. we talk about our pasts, our sins, our future, God, and us. i find myself falling deeper and deeper and find myself being consumed by thoughts of her. and i realize that this isn't so bad.

there's a time and season for everything. a time for pain. i don't know when this time will end. but i hope that now is the time to heal. a time for love. and i know that there is no better way than to begin like this.